Notes: Intruder in stable condition

"Oops, my bad," says LNP
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

DETROIT -- Little Nicky Punto noticed Saturday, before the game, that there was a man in the clubhouse who did not seem to belong. In short, there was no reason for a sumo wrestler to be in the clubhouse--or, at least, there was no reason for a sumo wrestler to be in the Sass clubhouse. Punto tapped the man on the shoulder. The man immediately collapsed in agony.

"I was just going to ask him if he was lost," Putno said in disbelief. "I did not mean to hurt him."

Punto has been cleared of all charges of violence, as there were plenty of witnesses of his activities. The wrestler was taken to a local hospital, where he was listed in stable condition last Saturday.

"It's expected that Psycho Sumo from Norway will be in the hospital until next Thursday," a spokesperson from the hospital announced.

It was later discovered that the wrestler was one of Commissioner SBGF's sumo wrestlers, who was going to perform the national anthem before the game. The Sass has been getting thank you notes ever since everything was reported by the press.

"Did you know I lived in England, which is near the European continent, and Norway is in Europe?" SBGF said.

"Did you know we didn't care?" Dawn muttered, referring to Brian's previous homes.

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part XXI: Sass pitcher took his temper tantrum to the mound on Saturday, where he hit Sass outfielder R. Johnson twice with pitches.

"The punk deserved it!" Johnson said, "He earned an award for Children's Literacy Advocacy last year, and I didn't even get nominated."

Johnson readily admits he's never read a children's book in his life, but feels that's no reason not to get nominated.

"It was weird. Every time I was up to bat--well, the first three times, anyway, I was staring at Jerk-Face," Johnson said, "I tried to get out of the way, but he threw at me with such aggression that I could not move that fast."

An Evil teammate of Johnson's also hit Johnson with a pitch later in the game. Johnson has reported that he is okay, and there is no need for x-rays.

Beth and Dawn are considering benching Johnson, but at this point just aren't sure which of their pitchers should be benched.

Brother facing brother: The Sass clubhouse is often said to be like one big happy family, but when a Sass teammate faces a Sass teammate, it's very comparable to brothers competing. On Sunday, besides the Johnsons facing each other, Sass second baseman P. Polanco and Sass shortstop C. Guillen faced Sass pitcher C. Silva. In a fight of the Carloses, Guillen won handily, going 2-2 against Silva, both being home runs. Polanco went 1-2, scoring once.

"Someone is getting his bed shortsheeted tonight," Silva vowed. "Actually, two someones." Silva then made the reporters take a vow of silence.

Beth and Dawn were unavailable for comment, but the sobs coming from the managers office were a bit telling. After they left, a picture of Johnson and SBGF hugging was on the center of the dart board.

"I think they need help," said a concerned A. Pierzynski, "They usually can't stand picture of either of those guys--even on a dart board--so it's a bit scary when they willingly admit to the existence of either of them."

Pierzynski, along with Punto and Sass pitcher M. Guerrier all removed the picture and destroyed it. Due to the slightly tense relationships between the thee men, stemming around their love of Dawn, it was very touching for all other members of the Sass.

"It reminds me of some book--I forget which one," Dunn said, "But it was awesome watching those three men, who by all rights should hate each other, working together to help the woman they love."

An apology: Beth sent the following memo to all members of the Sass team on Saturday: "Sorry for the lack of update on Saturday. I was tired."

Sass players were a bit concerned, although Beth has not necessarily written Sass Notes every weekend since the season started, she had indicated that she would be writing this weekend. However, when the game was over on Friday night, she felt no energy to write, and the games on Saturday started at noon, and it's well-documented that she doesn't get up early on Saturdays unless there's a very, very good reason. Apparently, the Sass team found out, "writing Sass Notes" doesn't qualify as a very, very good reason.

"I'm kinda hurt," outfielder J. Dye said., "I mean, we know she loves us, but it doesn't take her that long to write these, and she still couldn't manage to write them."

Beth had no explanation why there was no writing, and made no promises about future writing.

Kyle Lohse spoke for the whole team, "It's not that we're insulted. We're just confused. There's always a story to tell with us, and we know she enjoys writing. We're hoping there's nothing seriously wrong that prevented her from writing."

Coming up: Sunday, Sass pitcher K. Lohse will take the mound.

"I'm so not watching this one," Beth said. "Every other outing, Lohse's given up 8 runs, and he's due again. Actually, I will not be able to watch. Hooray for special church services that won't get out until after the game is over. I hope."

Nick beats R. Johnson

By Nick / Mockball Madness Owner

The 2005 version of Sass pitcher R. Johnson was infuriated on Thursday evening after a 2-1 loss to the Twins in MVP Baseball 2005.

"What's up with my team's ass-bats?" he snarled. Indeed, the Twins'
Johan Santana, under the control of owner Nick, made the Yankee batters look like fools. Blah blah blah Derek Jeter, a teammate of Johnson's before he joined Sass, went 0-for-4 with three strikeouts. More telling, though, was the Twins' ability to hit rockets off of Johnson.

"We could have easily scored four or five runs off the 'great' R.
Johnson," Nick said. The Twins smashed several hard line drives right at people. One of their best scoring chances was dashed when Nick put on a hit and run with Leewwwww Ford at first and Beth's boyfriend DJ Cuddles at the plate. DJ smoked a ball up the middle that was caught by Mr. Blah only because he was coming to cover second on the steal attempt. Ford was 4-for-4 on the night, and Cuddles later smashed a double off the baggie in right field, just missing an opposite-field homerun.

"In the end, El Presidente just pitched a lot better than R. Johnson," Nick concluded.

R. Johnson disagreed. "I am clearly the best pitcher in the history of baseball, with the possible exception of E. Loaiza," he whined. "And how am I supposed to start on Friday if I just started on Thursday? Oh, wait, that was the 2005 version of me. All this time travel... does this mean I was never born? colonconfusedcolon I'm going to report this to SBGF!"

Notes: New pending investigation by commissioner

SBGF suspicious about trade
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

KANSAS CITY -- On Wednesday, the Sass team made a trade with Mmmm...Guinness to nab Little Nicky Punto in exchange for Rob Mackowiak. The Mmmm...Guinness team immediately turned around and placed Mackowiak on waivers. He has returned to the Sass team to take over assistant coaching duties.

Commissioner SBGF is irate. "This is a clear case of collusion between owners of teams. Acting without their full intent of the result of the trade on the table is very unfair to all the other teams in the league."

Heraldguy, owner of Mmmm...Guinness is agog with the allocations. "I was planning on dropping LNP anyway," he told the press. "I knew the relationship between LNP and Dawn was very close, and I thought I'd give Dawn an opportunity to prevent the indignity of the waiver wire for her boyfriend."

Dawn and Beth both agreed that the trade was a very friendly gesture, and accepted it with pleasure. When questioned, Beth did not remember if she knew before the trade that Mackowiak would be cut from the Mmmm...Guinness team or not.

"This is all utter nonsense," Beth said, "All we did was trade from one guy who we mostly just let sit on the bench, for another guy whom we will probably mostly let sit on the bench. Stats are totally irrelevant. Either way, we'll have a utility player on the bench. I'm pretty sure there weren't people out there begging to get Little Nicky on their team, so it's not like the result is much different than if HG had just dropped Little Nicky, and we would've picked him up dropping Mackowiak. Except now we look nicer in 'Wiak's eyes."

Although the moves seemed to affect no other team in the league, and none of the standings, SBGF has insisted that a thorough investigation will be made.

Put me in coach! Mackowiak, who had only just landed to join his new team, was informed that he had been placed on waivers. "I knew immediately that I needed to call Beth and Dawn. I know my agent is looking fervently for a new position for me, but for now, I'm perfectly content."

Beth and Dawn offered Mackowiak a job as a fielding coach, which he accepted gratefully. "My job, pretty much, is to help figure out where the guys should be standing for defense against various hitters in the league. It's actually fascinating to me. Every night I watch a multitude of games so I can learn the different styles of the different hitters. Sometimes you want to be prepared for those infield hits, but sometimes you want to defend against harder-hit balls."

His current contract with the Sass has him working closely with the bench coach, Al Newman, and with each player. At such a time as he is actually signed on by a new team, the Sass will release him from his coaching contract.

"We fully support 'Wiak. We know he wants to play, and he deserves to play. If he's ever given the opportunity, we're not going to hold him back," Dawn stated.

The players are quite glad to have Mackowiak back--the closeness of the Sass clubhouse means that any time a player leaves, there's a feeling of extreme loss. They're happy to welcome new players, but they hate to let go of old friends.

"I'm so happy 'Wiak's back," Sass outfielder F. Catalanotto said, "We always had a good time on the plane, in the hotel, in the clubhouse. He was a great teammate to have in Trivial Pursuit! Besides, he really has thrown himself into this coaching role with enthusiasm that's positively inspiring."

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part XX: Sass pitcher R. Johnson was upset Thursday afternoon because Beth and Dawn have refused to reconsider pushing back Johnson's next start until Saturday.

"He was completely exhausted after his last start, and it was quite obvious Monday morning that he would not be ready by Friday. There's no real room for argument," Beth said.

Johnson insists that he feels fine and is perfectly ready to pitch today. His arm was tired after his last start, he admitted, but it has since recovered, and there is no reason to hold off his start until Saturday.

"I don't think so," Rachel said. "He made it through a bullpen session today, but I'm sure he'll feel it tomorrow. He really needs a day of rest.:"

Collectively, on strike: With most of the team having the day off today, a usual Thursday event, the Sass put many of their back-up players in the line-up today. Of those who were scheduled to play today, a few asked for, and were granted, a day off. First baseman D. Mientkiewicz and outfielder R. Johnson both took the day off; Mientkiewicz said he was tired after spending the entire night up with his son, Jimmy Grudzielanek-Mientkeiewicz-Pierzynski, while Johnson had been asked to spend the afternoon reading at a local library.

Of the five hitters who actually played today, Catalanotto and Punto both walked, and there was not one hit recorded in the 19 official at-bats. However, Catalanotto had two RBIs, and outfielder J. Encarnacion scored twice.

"There was some horrendous fielding tonight," outfielder E. Brown said, "There's no way that a team can have at-bats like ours and still score runs. Kristin [Benson] is kinda amazed he got a win out of this."

Benson went 7 innings, giving up 3 hits, 3 walks, and 2 runs, while striking out 4 in his winning effort.

“After last week, I knew I owed it to my team to put forth a good effort,” Benson said, “It was fun competing with the other guys last week, but now I’d really like to earn the respect of the league again.”

With all of this, the Sass are currently losing 5-6 to the Baja Manitoba team. They’re leading in the category of runs, RBIs, wins, Ks, and WHIP. They are tied for saves.

“It’s kinda funny,” Beth said, “Last week, our ERA was through the roof, but this week, the team ERA currently sits at 0.99 and we’re still losing in that category. You'd think--hey, cool! Dawn, look! They sell Twins fleece at the fabric store here!”

Punto was the only man in the clubhouse to be a bit surprised by that outburst.

“Beth? She’s easily distracted. That’s why we have to keep shiny things out of the clubhouse and dugout,” relief pitcher M. Guerrier said.

Notes: Pranks are nothing but air

Mackowiak has trouble cleaning out his locker
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

KANSAS CITY -- Sass pitcher C. Silva has long been known as a prankster, so as a final farewell gift to departing Sass utility player R. Mackowiak, he gave a final gift. However, as Silva’s final gift was 100 balloons, all stuffed in Mackwiak’s locker, it really was a final gift.

“It’s easier to pop balloons that are filled full,” Silva said, “So I made sure that they weren’t fully inflated--the rubber stretches, and it’s not easy to pop them!”

Mackowiak said that further problems were caused when Lohse, Silva, and Guerrier all were all distracting him and re-filling his locker as fast as he could empty it. “Those Twins players--you just never dare turn your back. They’re always thinking of something!” Mackowiak told the press, not noticing that Silva was adding rocks to his suitcase.

Beth and Dawn both expressed a desire to see Mackwiak come back and assist in coaching if his new team did not work out for him.

Beating up the commissioner: When the owner of the Mmmm... Guinness team offered a trade to the Sass Team, of Little Nicky Punto for Mackowiak, Dawn and Beth were ready for immediate acceptance. Unfortunately, any trades in the BBL must go through an approval process from the commissioner. In the past, SBGF has denied the Sass a major trade. Naturally, Beth was quite surprised at how quickly SBGF approved the Mackowiak-Punto trade.

"I may have threatened to fly out to NYC and kick him if he didn't," is all Dawn would say.

It was also noted that immediately after the trade was submitted to SBGF for approval, Dawn and outfielder J. Encarnacion were missing for seven hours--the exact amount of time it would take to get to the airport, fly to NYC, beat up SBGF, and fly back. However, there has been no investigation by the rest of the Sass staff.

"I'm sure she wouldn't actually do that," Beth said, with a forced straight face. "I'm sure that the entire Sass team wouldn't not commend her for that behavior, either."

The Sass team welcomed Punto with open arms and lots of balloons from Ghetto Cub. Ghetto Cub mentioned briefly that they'd never known they'd export so many balloons until the Sass team started celebrating.

Future troubles? There was some definite suspicious eyeing going on between Sass catcher A. Pierzynski and Punto.

Pierkzynski is Dawn's ex-boyfriend, while Punto is her current boyfriend. Punto has long known about Pierzynski, and said he accepted their relationship. However, he's always been a little bit wary about Pierzynski being on Dawn's team.

"I'm kinda glad my manager was willing to make this trade. I'm just so much happier close to Dawn so I don't have to be so far away letting my imagination get the better of me," Punto said, with a happy smile on his face.

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part XIX: Sass pitcher R. Johnson was irate on Wednesday evening as the chair in front of his locker was not perfectly balanced.

"This chair wobbles! I will never be able to sit here comfortably and admire all of my baseball cards from this seat. I demand a new seat," Johnson bellowed.

Clubhouse manager Rach noted that the wobble was only slightly perceptible. "I'm not even sure if the princess from the Princess and the Pea would notice it," she said in disgust.

Punto leaned over to relief pitcher M. Guerrier and asked, "Is Johnson always like this?" Guerrier confirmed but said that Punto would get used to it--he should just ignore it.

Today’s game: Trailing the Baja Manitoba team 4-7, the Sass are going to take another day to rest. K. Benson will get the start, but they will not have a catcher or third baseman (although Punto, who will start at short, can also fill in at third).

“We’re giving many of our bench players a chance to play. E-mail Brown, Mark Grudzielanek, Little Nicky Punto--all those guys are fine players, but we just don’t have enough places in the line-up to play them as often as we’d like,” Beth said. All three will be in today’s line-up.

Farewell Party for departing players deemed a success

Beth Sass/hereforthesass.blogspot.com

The farewell party for departing players R. Mackowiak and B. Looper was held Wedenesday night during the game. Balloons from Ghetto Cub were on hand, as all players smiled and laughed as they remembered teh good times. Looper, who was cut to make room for Medders is still hanging out with the Sass until he catches on with a new team. Mackowiak left immediately after the game to join his new team; however, rumors say he will be cut from that team, soon. If that is the case, he will re-join the sass as an assistant coach.

"I will always remember the laughter in the clubhouse. And now I don't think any party can be complete without Dawn and Beth and balloons from Ghetto Cub," Mackowiak said, fondly.

Breaking news: Commissioner suspected in toilet-papering hotel rooms of Baja Manitoba players

rachel breimeier/clubhouse manager

Batling Baseball League commissioner SBGF has been named as the chief suspect in the Monday toilet-papering of the hotel rooms of several members of the Baja Manitoba team.

The Kansas City Police Department initially suspected members of the Sass team, but cleared team members when they discovered that the brand of toilet paper that was used is only sold in New York. “Once we realized that it’s only sold in New York, the focus of the investigation shifted significantly,” a spokesman for the department said. “After all, we all know SBGF lives there. The guy never shuts up about it.”

Baja Manitoba players are still traumatized by the incident. “Every time I open the door to my room, I just… freeze,” J. Posada said. “I’m so afraid that there will be more toilet paper there. It-it was everywhere, man! I didn’t know what to do!” Posada then ran off to hide.

Meanwhile, SBGF has released this official statement:
I had nothing to do with the toilet-papering of those hotel rooms. It had to be someone from the Sass team. I mean, really. All signs point to them. Besides, I live in New York. I’m waaaaaay too cool to spend my time toilet-papering someone’s hotel room. I’m also really busy doing all kinds of cool actor stuff. Have I ever mentioned that I’m an actor? I am. As if living in New York and being an actor wasn’t cool enough, I also work for the World Sumo League. That’s right, I work with sumo wrestlers.

There was probably more to SBGF’s statement, but most of the reporters realized it was pointless to listen to him anymore.

Notes: Managers realize error in slump

Pitchers stayed in clubhouse for hitting lecture
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

KANSAS CITY -- Beth and Dawn admitted they made a vital managing mistake last week.

"We held a meeting for our offense in the clubhouse. However, except for Burgos, all the pitchers were in there as well. Although they were not part of the meeting, and merely sitting by their lockers, they were listening," Dawn said.

In the meeting, Beth and Dawn demonstrated to the hitters that the ball and the bat needed to come together in such a way that it was not caught. Unfortunately, they didn't realize the pitchers were listening to the lecture, and applying it to their performances as well.

"Well, why didn't they tell us that we weren't supposed to do that?" T. Ohka said. "It would've nullified our contest--we thought we were doing a good thing, not seeing who could suck the most."

A turnaround! After last week's demonstration on bad pitching, the Sass managed to turn things around so far this week. On Tuesday night, they pitched a total of 15 1/3 innings, giving up only three runs. They often found themselves pitching out of jams, so the WHIP wasn't superb, but the ERA was wonderful. On Monday, they pitched 2 scoreless innings.

"This is amazing," Ohka said, "Watching Lohse out there early in the game, I thought we didn't have a chance, but somehow he managed. It was an inspiration for me when I went out there later."

This means the team ERA for this week is at 1.56 so far, calling for Ghetto Cub balloons to be delivered after the game.

Right now there's a little concern that the hitting may be going into a mini-slump. However, outfielder J. Encarnacion almost hit for the cycle last night--only missing a single, offering hope that there was still some life in the line-up. There are no pending changes to the line-up today.

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part XVIII: Sass pitcher R. Johnson was upset on Monday night to learn that Sass management had decided to push back his next scheduled start on Friday to Saturday.

"Just because I'm old and tired doesn't mean that I can't pitch," Johnson said, although only gesturing with his right arm, and not moving his pitching arm at all. "I can still throw a ball hard! I could go out and pitch right now. The arm would pick up in a minute with no problems and I'd be striking people out!"

Clubhouse manager Rach said that all day she had to have a batboy assigned to Johnson to help him with most simple tasks--including tying his shoes, as he was unable to move his left arm.

"I don't know who he's fooling. Probably only himself. Only a person with a brain his size would believe that he could still grip a baseball," Rach reported.

Babysitting services provided: Looking to make an extra dollar, Dawn volunteered to babysit young Jimmy Grudzielanek-Mientkeiwicz-Pierzynski (the adopted child of second baseman M. Grudzielanek, first baseman D. Mientkiewicz, and A. Pierzynski. Also, Pierzynski's 6-month-old daughter and Mientkiewciz's 4-month-old son were there, giving Dawn a handful for a couple of hours.

"I was lucky all three children behaved well, but I still felt like I was changing diapers all afternoon," Dawn said.

While the infants spent most of the afternoon napping, Dawn was able to work organizing her shoe collection. She also reorganized Grudzielanek's box of video tapes, which included Barney (for Jimmy) and The Young and the Restless, his personal favorite.

A different take on clubhouse training: Third baseman E. Encarnacion and relief pitcher A. Burgos both spent the extra time before the game on Tuesday putting together a new train for the Lego(tm) train set they're building in the clubhouse.

"This is so much fun!" Encarnacion said. "We were at the toy store here this morning, and found the awesomest pieces to build new cars from. That's the best part of being a ballplayer. We totally get to hit toy store all over the U.S. and find all the unique pieces."

Burgos and Encarnacion both were scheduled to play in tonight's game, so Beth made them pick up their Legos early so that there was no mess before they went outside to play.

What color is E-mail? Brown. Dawn and Beth explained their decision to keep Sass outfielder E. Brown on the bench.

"Announcers often mispronounce his name so it sounds like 'e-mail Brown'," said Dawn, "I was unaware until Nick [manager of Mockball Madness] warned me. We put him on the bench to avoid the embarrassment."

Brown was grateful. "My name isn't that hard to pronounce, so it always amazes me when people manage to do it. And then when my friends here it, I suddenly get all sorts of bad jokes. 'No wonder you struck out--e-mail can't hit!' and 'Hey, e-mail me that!' It's really annoying," Brown said.

Notes: Quiet day to relax

Most of the Sass enjoy day off
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

KANSAS CITY -- Mondays are usually off-days for the Sass--not that they're schedule gives them the off-day, but that management picks a lucky few to take a day of rest; oftentimes, those who play will get to take off Thursday, but not always.

"It's kinda random," Beth said, "We don't play favorites. Everything is done by the schedule. If their real team is playing, then they're playing. We want it to be completely out of our hands."

Even though outfielder J. Dye's team was playing on Monday, he was one of the luck ones with the day off. He joined pitchers K. Benson and M. Guerrier, as well as manager Dawn, for a day of shopping in the malls local to the Kansas City area.

"We made it back in time to watch the game, but we had just made it to the dugout in uniform when the first pitch was thrown. [First baseman D.] Mientkiewicz told us that we missed the worst possible rendition of the Star Spangled Banner in existence. Shaggy [Guerrier] was quite relieved--he has a very musical ear. We could tell by Dougie's shuddering that it was bad," Dye said.

Under the influence of Dawn, all three men returned from the excursion with new suits, shirts, ties, and shoes. Dawn returned with a new pair of shoes, as well as a new skirt.

Mientkiewicz and second baseman M. Grudzielanek both spent the day at the local elementary school, teaching phonics to underprivileged students; they used connections for outfielder R. Johnson, whose "Reed to Kids" program is one of the most well-known children's literacy programs in the United States and Canada. Outfielder E. Brown joined Johnson and introduced simple poetry to the students.

F. Catalanotto spent his time out at a local ranch riding horses. "I actually helped one of the ranchers in breaking a young horse. It's a little dangerous, but I've got plenty of experience. It all turned out okay," he said.

Pitcher K. Lohse was invited to speak at a luncheon regarding mentorships for children in poverty. His work as a public speaker often brings him invitations to various events. "Children in poverty are a special concern of mine," he said, "I didn't grow up rich, but I grew up with enough advantages in life that I'm glad I had. I see these kids who don't even have an opportunity to use their skills, and it's such a waste. I'm always happy to speak at these events. I hope others can see my work, and take action," Lohse said.

Pitchers C. Silva and A. Burgos spent the day toilet-papering the hotel rooms of the Baja Manitoba players, who all left for the stadium earlier in the day. The had stolen some of SBGF's personal toilet paper during their recent series against the Assassins, so they're pretty sure the Baja players will not suspect them.

"SBGF, he keeps that TP under a lock and key. I can't say how I managed to get some, but it was a pretty daring robbery," Silva said.

Burgos, being a young player, appreciated Silva's allowing him to help with the prank. "Being a young guy, I always feel a little bit like I don't quite belong. All these guys are established stars, and then there's e.e. [Sass third baseman E. Encarnacion] and me--we're new to the scene. To have the Ace of the Staff invite you to hang out with him on your off-day is pretty special."

A new week: What does it hold? As a new week of play started on Monday, Beth and Dawn waited anxiously to see how their team would face up against Baja Manitoba, run by manager frightwig.

"We're a little nervous, not gonna lie," Dawn said, "After last week's contest, I'm a little wary coming into a new week."

The pitching started very positively with J. Duchschererererer pitching one inning, without giving up a hit or run, and striking one out, earning him a well-deserved save. Meanwhile, non-Sass pitcher E. Guadardo blew yet another save in Seattle, allowing Sass pitcher J. Mateo to come in for the tenth inning and pick up a win. The fact that the team ERA and WHIP both currently sit at 0.00 allowed for champagne in the clubhouse after the game.

"I. Can. Not. Believe. It," was the response from the stunned Beth, "I don't expect it to last, but for now, I'm having champagne!"

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part XVII: Sass pitcher R. Johnson declared he was going on strike on Monday, and refused to show up for the game.

"I need a nap," he said, glaring at the press. "I work hard for this team. I think I deserve a day off once in a while. I don't know why I have to show up every single day."

Update on the DL: Beth took the opportunity of an off-day to jet over to Nice for the day to check up on the guys on the DL. "Rocco [Baldelli] and Grant [Balfour] are doing fine. They're progressing Nice-ly." Beth was then hit multiple times by her team for the bad pun. She was rushed to Health Midwest Medical Center to check for a concussion. She was pronounced fine after a battery of tests.

There is no indication of how soon Baldelli could join the team--he's doing well in his re-hab assignment, but trainers are still discussing how soon they want to him to play.

No one is, at present, even considering the possibility of Balfour joining the team anytime in the next month. Indications are still pointing to June, at the earliest, but no one is taking those odds to Vegas, yet.

Week Three: Summary of Series

Sass fall in amazing meltdown
Pitching failed; hitting just missed
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

The Sass team were overly surprised that they were not shut out. Coming into the series, they felt they had a very good chance of a good competition, and facing SBGF’s team, they really wanted to do well. However, this week the balls didn’t fall their way. It started with a horrible collapse by the pitching staff, and added to the horror were some slumps by some hitters. However, the bats picked up as the week ended. While the Sass only pulled off one point--in batting average--they unfortunately were very close in many other categories.

The statistics--Sass totals first, are as follows: Runs (35-36), HR (5-11), RBI (30-38), SB (3-4), BB (32-33), and Average (.284-.250).

The Sass team owed a lot of kudos to their Cincinnati Reds contingent, as between Sass third baseman E. Encarnacion and Sass outfielder A. Dunn, they scored over half the total walks (17--12 by Dunn alone), almost half the RBIs (14--11 by Encarnacion), and almost half the runs (14-10 by Encarnacion) It made Sass management wish reliever G. Balfour had been able to pitch--besides his ex-boyfriend status.

“Well, I did my part in the walks category,” Dunn said, laughing. “I dunno, I just never got a pitch to hit out of there. I think they were scared of my home run streak from the first two weeks of the season. It sucks, though, to not hit.”

Encarnacion led the way in RBIs, Runs, and Home runs (2).

“Man, just pulling off one or two more walks would’ve given us another point. Maybe next week they’ll be walking me!” Encarnacion said.

Beth admitted being a little proud of picking him, after watching his spring training performance.

“It was a huge risk, really, because he’s so young, but when I watched him, I saw he was a spunky kid,” Beth said, “And his hard work really impressed me--I know he’ll probably go through some rough times--his defense needs work--but we’re happy with how he’s responding to the majors so far.”

Shortstop C. Guillen, and outfielders J. Encarnacion and R. Johnson all had one stole base; no one had more than one.

The batting average leaders were outfielder R. Johnson (limited at-bats) at .500. A.J. Pierzynski did admirably, batting .389 for the week--although he was facing batting practice pitchers for the three-game weekend series he played in, which helped. Outfielder E. Brown and second baseman M. Grudzielanek had the lowest batting average, in their limited at-bats, by not getting a hit. Dunn ended the week with only one home run and a .150 batting average--but his 12 walks likely contributed to his lack of hits. It was outfielder J. Encarnacion who had the worst batting average with significant at-bats, as his average was a lowly .143.

“He’s going through a rough time,” Dawn said, “We might bench him a couple of games this week--we’ll decide on game days, probably.”

J. Encarnacion’s hitting was just a minor blip on the screen when compared to the pitching.

“I don’t know where to even start with that one,” Beth said, shaking her head. “It was so impressive. I have never seen a group of people collapse that much that quickly.”

Beth was apparently a little stunned by her pitching deciding to hold a contest over “who could do worse.” With the exception of reliever A. Burgos, not a single pitcher did anything commendable--as not one of the categories was even close. The Sass didn’t take a single category: Wins (3-6), Saves (0-3), Ks (25-47), Holds (1-3), ERAs (8.08-4.31), WHIP (1.97-1.18).

The wins were attained by starters R. Johnson and K. Benson, as well as reliever J. Duchscherererer. Johnson led the team in strike-outs with 7 in 2 starts (Benson had 4 in one start), while J. Mateo had 3 in relief. B. Medders had the lone hold. The ERA leaders for the starters was Benson, at 5.06, and in reliever, Burgos held opponents scoreless. Burgos also led the team with 1.29 WHIP, while Johnson led the starters with 1.32 WHIP. K. Lohse and Medders had ERAs of 21.60 and 13.5, respectively, while Lohse had the worse WHIP of the starters at 2.40. Medders and Duchscherererer led the team with 3.00 WHIP.

“I guess all I can say is, ‘tomorrow’s just another day’,” Beth said, “I think the stress of the allegations and taunting really got to the guys this week. They weren’t enjoying the game on the field quite as much having to listen to the opposing manager yell and curse his players out.”

“Baseball is supposed to be fun,” Dawn said, “So we’ll try to continue having fun, despite what happens on the field. In fact, a bunch of the guys are taking the day off with me and we’re totally checking out the shopping in Kansas City!”

It’s reported Beth will be heading out to check on the condition of the guys on the DL.

Notes: Dress code for traveling revealed

Explanation for the nice dress
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

KANSAS CITY -- The Sass players are always regarded as the best dressed team of any in the BBL. Other owners assumed that Beth and Dawn imposed a strict dress code on their players, so Sunday night the press was offered a rare glimpse at the owners' dress code. They were surprised to find that it was only five words long: "Don't be a fashion victim."

Outfielder J. Encarnacion has always been considered a gentleman who always dressed nicely, so that didn't surprise the press at all that he always showed up in suits and ties. But the press was shocked to discover utility player R. Mackowiak, a man who was more comfortable gutting a dear than sitting down to a five-course meal, would also be found wearing a suit and tie under so loose a dress code.

"To be honest, I had no idea what to wear," Mackowiak said, "So I grabbed a couple of the guys--Kristin [Sass pitcher K. Benson] and JEn [Encarnacion]--and we went out shopping. They knew that Beth and Dawn would appreciate the suit and tie look, so we got a bunch of those."

Every player now wears a suit and tie when traveling--and that includes traveling to the stadium and back on game days--and when doing any official team business, even when going out to sign autographs.

"There's a great advantage to doing that," Sass first baseman D. Mientkiewicz said, "Beth and Dawn are so busy admiring our suits that we're giving a reprieve from discussing official club business whenever we have a suit on. We're all thinking we might use this to our advantage next year when discussing contracts."

Beth and Dawn might want to re-think their dress policy during negotiations--maybe require t-shirts and casual jeans.

Happy Birthday! Sass pitcher C. Silva celebrated his 27th birthday on Sunday. Due to the excessive amounts of cake served in the dugout, Silva found himself tiring earlier.

"I suppose we should've waited until the end of the game to serve cake, but we decided we were hungry. And we were able to import balloons from Ghetto Cub," Dawn said. Dawn also ordered Pancake Cake (Butter Pecan). Due to the overall yumminess, the entire team felt a little lethargic. This effected their play today. Outfielder A.
Dunn had trouble swinging the bat at all, and had to walk three times in order to get on base--running just wasn't happening.

SBGF tried to call interference for the balloons in the Sass dugout, but the umpires declared that as long as no balloons escaped, they were perfectly legal. The Assassins players were starting too look a little green with envy, as SBGF took out his aggressions on his team, berated them for not living in England, NYC, or being actors.

Pitching contest results for the week: Sass reliever A. Burgos was disgusted when awards were handed out in the pitching contest in a red-carpet television special on Sunday night.

"I thought the contest was a huge joke, perpetuated by Silva!" he said, in obvious shock, as he was announced the all-out loser. His final ERA was 0.00 and his WHIP was a 1.29. "I mean, I pitched like it was a normal week--and now my stats look totally out of place."

With the next lowest ERA Benson’s 5.06, and among relievers it was Both M. Guerrier and J. Mateo pulling in at 6.75.

The relief pitching winner for WHIP was both J. Duchschererererer and B. Medders with their amazing 3.00 WHIP, while Medders took the reliever ERA title with his amazing 13.50. While the relievers won the WHIP overall title, it was the starters who showed what ERA’s could look like. K. Lohse pulled off an amazingly impressive 21.60 ERA, with 2.40 WHIP. Lohse was obviously delighted with his award.

"The best part is that my cousin, L. Kohse, actually pitched for me, because he hates me and wants me to do bad. He’ll be very upset tomorrow when he finds out that he helped me succeed!" Lohse said, gleefully.

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part XVI: Sass pitcher R. Johnson threw a tantrum late Sunday night after his game against the Orioles. He did not feel it's fair that he has to go to Kansas City, because he will not be pitching there.

"What's his problem?" Silva asked, watching the ranting and yelling coming from the manager's office. "I'm not pitching there, either, but I want to be there to support my team."

Johnson's rant in the manager's office lasted over a half hour. Neither Beth nor Dawn were in the office to witness the rant, so neither could comment on it.

Final score: The Here for Sass management was also able to celebrate when the final results came in on Sunday night that they had not been shut out by the Assassins.

"A 1-11 loss isn’t something to celebrate, but in light of our weak pitching, I think the fact that we didn’t get shut out is absolutely amazing," Dawn said.

And the Ball is out! Mientkieiwicz has apparently come to terms with his former team about what to do with the 2004 World Series ball. Mientkiewicz will donate it to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.

"That’s so typical of an east coast team," said Beth, "An over-developed sense of self-importance--no one knows exactly what happened to the ball that made the last out of the Twins 1991 World Series--it was just one ball. Former Twins manager Tom Kelly has the winning balls from the pennant games and 1987 World Series, I think. But the Red Sox? Theirs is important enough to go into the Hall of Fame. They somehow think because they did it, it’s important enough that everyone needs to see it."

Upon being pointed out that her comments about the east coast teams could also apply to the east coast team the Sass recently faced--or at least their manager--Beth assured the press that it was unintentional. "Although," she said with a grin, "If the shoe fits, wear it."

Notes: No Saturday night party

Medders holds true to Sass pitching problems
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

CHICAGO -- Beth and Dawn had to quickly remove all party decorations before the end of Saturday night's game. They had decorated the entire locker room to celebrate a historical night, but things fell apart late that evening.

"We were coming so close to celebrating a night without craptastic pitching," Beth said, "But Medders came in to pitch. He managed to pitch only 2/3rds of an inning, giving up one hit, one walk, and one run. That's not a pretty ERA or WHIP."

Reliever J. Mateo also pitched yesterday. However, since he went 2 full innings, giving up only 1 run, 4 hits and 1 walk, that actually would've qualified as a very good outing, at least compared to the rest of the Sass team this week. In fact, he also managed to get a "Hold" for his outing, which was not enough to have the full celebration, but it was enough for the champagne to be served. Although Beth and Dawn have fully supported the pitching competing in a "Who can do worse" contest, they admitted they were weary of it.

"There are only so many ways to suck," Dawn said, "And it would be really nice to have one night of not watching them pitch like crap."

Beth was watching the games and stats with high hopes, knowing that the Sass team had no starters, and many of the relievers had worked yesterday.

"Pretty much, it came down to the fact that Medders was the only guy with a chance. We have high hopes for the guy, so I'll admit to some unwarranted optimism," Beth admitted to the press.

Medders, on the other hand, was quite pleased with his debut performance.

"It's a lot of pressure to join a team in this situation," he said, "I'm feeling pressure to perform well for Beth and Dawn, but then there's the entire deal of wanting to compete with my fellow pitchers. I finally decided it was in my best interest to not show them up."

However, despite their outings, the Sass team ERA remained before 10 for the second days running.

Scoooooore The Sass Team managed to pull ahead in batting average yesterday, so the current standings against the Assassins is 1-11. Leading the way was catcher A. Pierzynksi, who went 3-for-4 yesterday, outfielder R. Johnson who went 2-for3, and outfielder J. Dye, who went 3-for-5.

"When I checked the standings against the Assassins this morning, I almost had a heart attack," Beth said, in amazement.

Dawn agreed, "I think someone should do the math. I know our hitting hasn't sucked as much as our pitching, but that's a little suspect."

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part XI Sass pitcher R. Johnson was very upset last Tuesday night because Sass outfielder J. Encarnacion had more pairs of shoes in his locker.

"I should have the most pairs of shoes! I should have more pairs of shoes than even Dawn has! It is an outrage that JEn brought in another pair of shoes, so he has more than me. I think he should have told me, so I could bring in another pair!"

Dawn and Encarnacion both got up early on Saturday to check out the shoe shopping in Chicago, where the Sass team is on their latest road trip, and Encarnacion had just picked up two new pairs of shoes. Encarnacion admitted he was unaware of how many shoes he had in his locker, as well as being unaware of how many pairs of shoes Johnson had.

"Man, I just bring in the shoes I want to wear--the ones that go best with whatever outfit I'm planning on wearing out of the stadium. When we're on the road, it's not unusual for me to carry an entire suitcase entirely for my shoes--even on the tree-day road trips, and this road trip is ten days."

Laughter in the dugout: During the game Saturday night, Beth was heard saying, "Someday I want to know as much about baseball as SBGF." The Sass team had to take a ten minute break in the game to recover their breath from the laughter sustained from the comment; cleaning crews will be needed, as some members of the Sass were drinking and eating when Beth muttered here statement. Play continued, although The Assassins were seen looking very jealous of the camaraderie and laugher seen in the Sass dugout.

"You just never know what's going to come out of Beth's or Dawn's mouths," Sass outfielder R. Johnson said, "But you can depend on it being sarcastic and funny. We love it when they show up in the dugout."

One of SBGF's commentaries tonight was when he took the opportunity to explain how the Minnesota Twins choosing J. Mauer was not a no-brainer, because of "[the Cubs' M.] Prior and [the Rangers' M.] Texiera". Both Beth and Dawn admitted that had they not been laughing so hard, they might have mentioned to SBGF that the players' name was spelled Teixeira.

Coming up: Today, again both Silva and Johnson are expected to take the mound. It's uncertain which relief pitchers are available, as Sass photographer Bobbi and Clubhouse Manager Rach were still giving them massages when this article went to press. It's assumed J. Duchscherererer and J. Mateo will be available, but uncertain whether or not they'll be used.

Notes: New scandal rocks the team

Misinformation causes tension with management
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

CHICAGO -- Sass management, already dealing with more scandals and problems this year than they could imagine, were again taken by surprise. Surfing the internet, Beth was checking out different sites to find player statistics when she came across an interesting tidbit about Sass reliver A. Burgos.

"We drafted some of these guys based on their names. Burgos was drafted with high points in favor of his name--Ambiorix. Does it get any cooler than that? So imagine my surprise yesterday when I'm looking up his stats, to see when he pitched last and how the game went, when I happen to glance up to his full name. His middle name is the common "Wayne". I'm not sure how I feel about this," Beth said, still quite obviously stunned.

Burgos admitted that he had kept that information from management before being drafted.

"I knew that Beth and Dawn were really looking at my name, and I really wanted to play for them. They're the absolute perfect managers and every team is jealous, so I knew that my middle name had to be kept a secret," Burgos admitted. "Besides, they drafted Casey Blake and Adam Dunn and Emil Brown and they're worried about my middle name?"

Sass management pointed out that Dunn and Brown were not hired for their names, and Casey Blake was dropped before the season started to be replaced with E. Encarnacion.

Management held a brief meeting and noted that he could improve his standing on the team by wearing tall socks. Burgos said he was thinking about it.

Pitcher competition update: "Oh, man, I can't believe I failed the team like that," were the words heard from Sass pitcher K. Benson this evening. Benson was the only Sass pitcher to start tonight, and the only Sass pitcher who had yet to start. Benson managed only 5 1/3 innings tonight, giving up 4 earned runs for a 5.06 ERA, while his WHIP was 2.06.

Dawn was appalled by Benson's performance: "craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaptastic. bad kristen. no buscuyt" she said upon hearing the news; she was well hydrated at the time.

"We will be having a chat with Benson," Beth told the press, "This kind of defiance cannot continue as long as I'm managing this team. On top of his ace-calliber ERA, he managed to pick up a win. I'm very displeased."

Pitcher B. Looper made his final appearance with the team tonight, as B. Medders forgot to pack his glove and will not be available for play. Looper tried to join the competition, but found himself only able to bring a WHIP of 2.00 to the plate, without giving up any runs, or getting a win.

Reliever M. Guerrier took his brief opportunity to pad his stats by giving up one run and two hits in his inning of work. Unfortunately, while he brought his ERA up to 6.75, he dropped his WHIP down to 2.25.

"I guess I'll have to try harder next time," he said sadly, "I'm glad my ERA went up, but I'm sad it was at the expense of my WHIP."

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part XV: Beth informed Johnson Thursday morning that he would be moved from the starting rotation to the bullpen, which led the expected shouting session. As the day developed, different problems started developing with the planned move.

"I speak for the entire bullpen--including the new kid [B. Medders] and the guy on the DL who isn't even here [G. Balfour]," said Sass reliever M. Guerrier. "We don't want him. We have our own fun and games, and just from stuff we know in the clubhouse, it would completely wreck the great chemistry and fun we have in the bullpen."

Johnson took offense at this. "Are they saying that I'm not fun? Would I wreck the chemistry? I don't think so. They all respect me, so it would work out just fine. I don't know why they're complaining!"

Beth and Dawn held a meeting yesterday afternoon, and have re-instated Johnson into the starting rotation. At present, he is sitting on the bench. They're undecided if they'll let him make his next start, which they believe is scheduled for Sunday, but they haven't gotten around to checking.

Guerrier would not elaborate on the fun in the bullpen.

Game over? The DL Boys of relief pitchers B. Medders and G. Balfour, and outfielder R. Baldelli had been playing Chutes and Ladders. With Medders being declared healthy and called back to the team, they needed to declare a winner. Baldelli was leading the group, having won eight more games than Balfour and six more games than Medders.

"Grant and I were talking," Baldelli said, "It's just to the two of us in the Sass Villa in Nice [France]. We've got plenty of time still, so we've decided that was Round One, and we'll start a new round today. Any time anyone joins us, a new round will be declared."

Baldelli said he has no idea when he'll be back. "I'm feeling better, obviously, but part of it depends on how well I do in the minor league games here--and how much they need me back on the Sass Team. It looks like our outfield is doing pretty well, so that's discouraging."

Medders said that he's glad to be back up, but it's a tough re-adjustment.

"The entire bullpen knew each other, obviously, and had their own dynamics. I had to walk in just when they were going through a crisis--loosing one of their own [former reliever B. Looper], and then almost ending up with a problem-pitcher. I left behind a group that I really felt like I fit in, and now I have to adjust to this new group. They're great guys, so I'm sure it won't take long," Medders said.

But what does Medders miss the most about being on the DL with Baldelli and Balfour? "Baldy's cooking. Man, the dinners we had were amazing," Medders said, sheepishly.

White Sox Scandal II confuses nations: The entire south side of Chicago was confused this morning when it was revealed that there was no Ozzie Guillen. Apparently, Sass and Twins pitcher C. Silva has simply put on a uniform for the Chicago team, and taken over the helm. Dawn actually noticed the uncanny resemblance on Friday night, and made an off-handed comment, which alerted the ever-suspicious commissioner, who broke the scandal later in the evening.

"On days I pitched, it was not so easy, like when we were in different cities. But I was able to work things out," Silva said. "It's been fun. I'm sorry I got caught and I can't do that any more."

The leagues are trying to work things out, but as of yet, no one is quite sure if he did anything wrong--or why he can't continue.

One cheating scandal cleared as another develops: The owner of the Waukesha Nosaurs has been cleared of all cheating allegations. An investigation was led by an independent source when the commissioner of the BBL would not start one, saying "Fine. Do whatever you want. I don't care anymore." However, new leaks from the Commissioner's office are showing that SBGF had his own reasons for not calling for an investiation.

There is circumstantial evidence that The Assassins cheated. SBGF apparently drafted much better players. The commissioner refuses to allow an investigation, saying that all was equal in the draft and Beth and Dawn just suck. The Sass players immediately stood up for their manager, pointing out how they were totally awesome and lovable.

A. Pierzynski was adamant in his defense of his ex-girlfriend Dawn, "She's as good as they get. During all my down years, she supported me. I know SBGF is only trying to make trouble. And they call me annoying!"

The Sass are currently being shut-out by The Assassins, 0-12.

Notes: Starting rotation competition gets tougher

Ohka adds to the stats
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- Sass pitcher Tomo Ohka was working as hard as he could to keep up with the other Sass pitchers. It just seemed for naught, but he got a hand from the least likely sources: his own teammates.

"I was so proud of them for coming forward for me like that. It was like Mercutio and Benvolio sticking up for Romeo. Even though I'm not even close to taking this competition, e.e. [Sass third baseman E. Encarnacion] and [Sass outfielder A.] Dunn totally gave me a hand," said Ohka.

In a twist, Dunn and Encarnacion were hitting against their teammate Ohka. Both of them walked once and got one hit off Ohka, and neither accounted for Ohka's three strike-outs, and Encarnacion was responsible for one of Ohka's four earned runs.

"It was my pleasure to help a teammate compete against the other pitchers," Encarnacion said, gleefully. "That totally rocked--he was so excited when I came back to the dugout after hitting my home run-- even though I hit it off the relief pitcher, one of Tomo's runners was on base when I hit it. It was just too awesome for words."

Encarnacion's home run also ensured that Ohka could not get a win.

"I couldn't be prouder of the effort these guys are putting into their competition," Beth said with a smile. "If you're going to lose, you gotta do it with style."

The Pitching Meltdown Update: Sass pitcher K. Lohse still leads the starters in ERA, at 21.60. Since he will not get another start this week, he only had one chance, and he made it good.

"I'm a bit nervous. Another really bad outing by Jerk-Head and I'd lose," Lohse said.

Ohka's also only had one chance, and ended the week with an ERA of only 9.00, but his WHIP was an impresive 3.00. Among the starters, only R. Johnson's WHIP is higher.

J. Duscherererer was very proud of himself, pitching only 1/3 of an inning last night. "Oh, wow! I was so excited how well things went now that I knew I was competing in this contest!" Duchschererer said, "I did my best, and the results are so there!"

Duchscherer's ERA sky-rocketed to 11.57, with a team-leading 3.86 WHIP. As a reliever, he knows it's entirely possible that he'll get into another game this week, with a chance to even out-score Johnson.

The only pitcher that's holding out is A. Burgos, who has not had an opportunity to pitch since he learned about the contest, making his 0.00 ERA and 1.50 WHIP look sadly out of place.

Supper Time! With some extra time to spend around town after this afternoon's game before heading out on their next road trip, the Sass were looking for something to do. They wanted to eat before getting on the plane, so they convinced Sass management to take them out for supper. After putting all the suggestions into Sass utility man R. Mackowiak's fishing hat, it was decided that McDonald's was the place to go.

Dawn rounded out the players, and they adjourned from the clubhouse to the local McDonald's. Sass reliever A. Burgos was disappointed that there was no PlayPlace, although Sass pitcher K. Lohse reminded him that he was too tall.

After all the orders were sorted out, the team sat down to eat.

"The biggest trouble," Dawn said, "was trying to get e.e. [Sass outfielder E. Encarnacion] and Ambiorix [Burgos] to sit down and eat. I finally had to take their toys from their Happy Meals away until they finished eating--they were so busy playing and not eating that I was afraid we were going to have to hold the plane."

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part XIV: Beth informed Johnson last Thursday that he was being demoted to the bullpen. Johnson, who has started 517 of the 527 games he was in, last made a relief appearance in 2001. The only year in his career that he's made more than one relief appearance was in 1996.

"I'm appalled. Looking at my long track record of starting and dominance as a starting pitcher, this is an insult of the top degree!" Johnson stormed out of the room.

"Dude, you suck," responded Dawn. It is unknown if she was talking about his last pitching performance, or just about him in general. Either could apply, and she did not elaborate.

Cutting their losses: With reliever B. Medders coming off the DL, the Sass management had to make a decision on who to cut. B. Looper was placed out on waivers.

"It's not that we didn't like him, or didn't want him. In fact, I was really liking the guy, but it came down to the fact that someone had to be cut, and Looper lost the round of rock-paper-scissors," Beth said, "If someone else gets injured, we'll take Looper back.

Tonight: Tonight, K. Benson will take the mound, in an effort to boost his stats.

Currently, the Sass are being shut-out by SBGF's team, and see no hope in any pitching categories.

"It is that bad," Beth said. "I can't see any way his team could meltdown in such a fashion that we could beat him in any of those categories. There's a little more hope from our hitters--in a few categories we're only losing by one or two."

Notes: Management error assists in loss

Owner misplaces the line-up
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team management took responsibility for the loss on Wednesday. Apparently Beth was supposed to change the line-up to put F. Catalanotto in the outfield, but accidentally A. Dunn as an outfielder, and M. Grudzielanek as the utility man.

"Adam was supposed move the utility, and Mark to the bench. But when at the last minute, I couldn't find the line-up card, so I just picked out an old one and threw it at the umpire. By the time the error was noticed, the games had started, and it was too late. It's no excuse, but I was rather upset this morning with the commissioner, and I took it out on the team," Beth told reporters.

Catalanotto, who previously was hitting .409 for the team went 3-4.

"Beth is in so much trouble for this," Dawn said, "She told me she had the line-up ready and then we went to lunch. I wish she had checked a second time."

As her punishment, Dawn made Beth tell Sass pitcher R. Johnson that he came in second as the Boston Phoenix's Unsexiest Man in the World.

“My Twins boyfriend hits a walk-off home-run in the bottom of the tenth, and I’m supposed to care what Catal--whatever did?” Beth said, “Hey, at this point I’d walk up to Johnson and tell him he’s being demoted the bullpen. In fact, I think I will.”

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part XIII: Johnson, upon hearing the news that he was named the second in the Unsexiest Man in the World, immediately took offense.

"There is no way I belong on that list. Women are attracted to me. C'mon, do you think that Wiak [Sass utility player R. Mackowiak] is sexier than I am?" Johnson ranted to reporters. The reporters all immediately shifted their eyes and started talking about what their favorite brands of shoes.

The higher, the better: It's appropriate for the Sass team to be filled with, well, sass. It's thusly right that the entire pitching staff of the Sass team decided that they were going to reverse the usual competitions and see how high they could bring their ERAs and WHIPs. Sass pitcher R. Johnson thought he had managed win in quite handy fashion with his 18.90 ERA, and his WHIP of 3.30. While he still holds the record for the WHIP, he didn’t count on Sass pitcher K. Lohse’s performance Wednesday night, ending him with an impressive 21.60 ERA.

"Jerk-head and I pitched the same day," said Sass pitcher C. Silva, "I thought for sure I had him beat in the ERA, giving up eight runs, but it took me 9 2/3 innings, so that brought my ERA down to a 8.31 ERA. At least I only have one strike-out. Poor Jerk-head has two. I thought that was the competition right there. I bow in the presence of a master like Lohse. Wow."

Starters K. Benson and T. Ohka have yet to pitch this week, so there’s still plenty of time before a new winner is declared. Ohka will start in a game this evening. Benson will likely start tomorrow, although he may be pushed off until Saturday’s game.

On the relievers side, M. Guerrier leads with his 2.40 WHIP, while J. Mateo has things in check with his 9.00 ERA. But things aren’t so smooth for all the relievers.

"Man, I'm totally losing this contest," lamented Sass reliever J.
Duchscherererer. "They never told me they were starting it, so I started to pitch like every other game I'm in. My ERA is a pathetic 0.00 and my WHIP is 1.50--I mean, higher than my other team wants it, but certain no way I can win this contest. And my other team managed to score while I was pitching, giving me the win. Oh man, I just can’t win at this."

Relievers A. Burgos also has a 0.00 ERA and 1.50 WHIP, but he does not have a win, hold, or save.

Manager Beth is irate. "Oh, I was starting to get so angry with our pitching staff. I drafted them in all good faith--well, except Tantrum-Man over there--and this is how they reward me? I was so mad. Now I'm mad at them for not telling me. This contest might be the sassiest thing they've done, and I'm quite proud of them."

Beth said she would be talking to the offense of the team, as she's pretty sure that they're doing the same thing with the lowest batting averages. An abashed offense admitted that they actually started it on Monday, when the pitchers took the day off, and with few exceptions, they're doing quite well.

“What was JEn [outfielder J. Encarnacion] thinking? He stole a base yesterday, which currently allows for our only point in an 1-11 loss to The Assassins,” Lohse said, “He’ll never win the offense competition like that!”

Offensive offense: Sass second baseman P. Polanco and Sass shortstop C. Guillen looked a little ashamed after Monday’s performance. Polanco went 4-5 with 3 RBIs. Guillen went 3-4 with 3 runs scored, 1 RBI, and a walk. Encarnacion was declared a sassy winner, in that he went 0-4, with no walks, and still managed to steal a base.

“That’s some serious sass,” third baseman E. Encarnacion said, “I mean, it’s awesome. Who else but our JEn could add insult to injury by getting on base without the benefit of a hit or walk, and then have the audacity to steal a base?”

Commissioner problems: BBL Commissioner, SBGF, has been under a lot of criticism for the decisions he has made. There have been allocations of cheating, lying, and most recently, unsportsmanlike conduct. Many members of the media--even the media in NYC--have been questioning the umpires who’ve been officiating in The Assassins games.

There have been no official investigation--obviously--but the bravado of SBGF has many concerned. He will mercilessly taunt his opponents, even when he is directly responsible for handcuffing the team from making player moves. It is deemed unfortunate by the press that too many owners of BBL teams are on friendly terms with SBGF to call for mutiny.

Meet the sass:

We here at “here for the sass” (dawn doesn’t like capitalized names. It’s a little bit of e.e. cummings in her) thought we’d take a moment to introduce ourselves. Just a little glimpse into the mechanics behind the team.

beth: beth sass is joining here for the sass in her first year with the team. Well, that’s no surprise since it’s the first year we’ve had a team. beth is excited about her role as co-owner/manager. “I like that our team has so much personality. I mean, we have a pink and purple locker room! Well, and some aqua highlights.” beth looks forward to the upcoming season for many reasons, among them, her hopes that a certain DL pitcher will be able to make it back up and spend some quality time with her. beth would like to thank wee sister and darcy for their continued support of her love of the game, and also throw a little shout out to michael cuddyer: “michael, I love you, you know that, but there just wasn’t a place for you on our team! Kisses!”

dawn: dawn sass is excited about being co-owner/manager as well. “I don’t really have to do anything, beth does all the hard work, the lineups, etc, and I just get the glory. Plus, I get to hang out with baseball players! Even if one of them is my ex!” Maybe we’ll all go to McDonalds together this season. I bet Jen would like a happy meal!” dawn would like to recognize her “lawyer” for standing by her through the early season scandals, and her mother, and of course, beth.

rachel: rachel braeiou is thrilled to be a member of the clubhouse staff. She has never before worked in a clubhouse as a manager, or really at all. She is grateful to beth and dawn for giving her the opportunity to be the boss, despite her zero clubhouse experience. “I used to work in a hotel, so I’m all over the towels and stuff. It’s not that different.” rachel wishes to thank her father, and wants to make sure that everyone knows she does NOT thank her sister, S.

bobbi: bobbi mijares is the resident photographer; you can thank her for the fantastic locker room picture. Bobbi became interested in photography at a young age, when she discovered her innate ability to capture things on film, and make them look real even if they weren’t. bobbi would like to thank her mother, her brother, and that baseball player with the same last name.

r. johnson: ron is in his first year, like everyone else on the here for the sass beat. He has a degree in journalism from the University of something. Ron’s scariest experience so far this year has been seeing r. johnson on the posted lineups, and thinking he was being called in to pitch or run around in left field. ron was hard to pin down, so we don’t know who he’d like to thank.

Notes: Public apology to Sass Team

Umpire publicly admits mistakes
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team was pleasantly stunned late Tuesday night when that night’s home plate umpire, J. Meals walked into the clubhouse and apologized.

“When I ejected Silva from the game last night, it was because I really wanted to eject myself. I made too many bad calls while he was pitching, particularly in the ninth inning. I looked at the video from the ninth and I’m actually impressed that Silva did not get more upset than he did--I know I would’ve,” Meals said to the team.

Beyond not calling a third strike to end the top of the inning, Meals also admitted that he changed his strike zone for the two teams. “I know I called [Minnesota Twins catcher Joe] Mauer out on a called third strike. I just started using [Twins center fielder Torii] Hunter’s strike zone on Mauer. I forgot that Hunter occasionally swings at pick-off throws, so he’s not a very good model of the team’s usual strike zone.”

As Meals left, he looked around at all the pink and purple, shook his head, and started to say something before thinking better of it.

“I was going to comment on all the pink and purple, but I then realized Kristin Benson was on the team, and that really explained things to me,” Meals said.

Now if only Commissioner SBGF, who would not let the Sass team trade pitcher R. Johnson for E. Loaiza would apologize, that would release a lot of the team's anger. Unfortunately, the ego of the Commissioner no doubt will not allow him to apologize. Before the Sass management could even speak to him, he had contacted them saying, "Not one word."

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part XII: Sass pitcher R. Johnson was very upset after Tuesday’s game. He felt that the apology to Silva was unnecessary, as Silva only had 1 walk in 8 2/3 innings, while Johnson had 2 walks in 3 1/3 innings.

“Obviously, the umpire totally messed up his strike zone. If I would’ve had a normal strike zone, there’s no way they would’ve gotten as many hits,” Johnson said.

The entire clubhouse bit their tongues to refrain from reminding Johnson that, as a Yankee, he already had a larger strike zone than most.

A win? Seriously? Sass management was very surprised on Wednesday morning to find out that they had a win. With their two starters--Silva and Johnson--having such poor showings on Tuesday, they assumed that it was a lost cause.

“I should’ve known [Sass reliever J.] Duchschererererer would come through for me,” Beth said, fondly, “With a last name like that, how could he fail us?”

Duchscherererer’s win is the only win the Sass team has this week.

“He totally is responsible for our only point in our 10-1 loss,.” Dawn said.

Relief for down moods: Sass pitcher T. Ohka pulled out his collection of stage productions of Greek Tragedies Tuesday after the game. The entire team sat and watched six of them before leaving.

“Man, I’ve never watched any of those before,” Sass second baseman M. Grudzielanek said, “But they’re really the precursors to today’s soap operas, so it was really cool to see them. They fit the mood of the clubhouse completely.”

Beth and Dawn did not join the team. Reportedly, they said they were going to go home to drown their sorrows and plot death against the commissioner, but there was no confirmation of that report.

“I’m kinda thinking that we should call somebody,” Sass pitcher K. Lohse said, concerned, “Beth was looking pretty upset, and I’m afraid she might do something we’d all regret.”

Notes: Pitchers Take the Day Off

Bonding brings staff closer together
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- Sass pitchers found themselves at a bit of a loss on Monday.

"Ambiorix [Burgos], Mateo, and I were the only pitchers who had a chance of pitching today, and we just didn't quite feel up to it, so we asked our team's managers for a day off--none of the other relievers had to work, and none of the starters had starts scheduled, it just wasn't fair. The pitching staff decided it was a day for a group-bonding. Yesterday's team bonding of re-doing the locker room was a great delight to all of us, that we decided to see what we could do together while our offense was out there on the field," relief pitcher B. Looper said.

Starting pitcher K. Benson led the team to a day of pampering, as the guys used mud masks and gave each other manicures and pedicures. While Benson said he'd often done these activities with his sometimes-estranged wife Anna, the other guys admitted they'd never tried this.

"JEn [outfielder J. Encarnacion] said that he has a facial on every off-day, and said that he feels so refreshed when he'd done, we figured we could give it a try," relief pitcher J. Mateo said.

All turned out well--there was laughter and joshing as they tried different products for softer skin. C. Silva led the way by picking out different colors of mud masks to create a clown face. While the guys had fun, there were some serious results.

"My girlfriend often complains that I don't take good care of myself. I keep in shape for pitching, but if I'm not working out or playing a game, I'm usually found in front of my computer. I don't take a lot of time for hygiene other than showering," J. Duchscherererere said, "It actually feels nice and it was a lot of fun. Most of us guys never touched any of this stuff before. The wives and girlfriends really pitched in to make sure we had everything we needed."

The bonding worked well, as many pitchers said afterwards that they felt like they'd gotten to know one another better--who likes dark beer, who likes imported beer, what they did in the off-season. With a clubhouse of guys, most of whom had never played together before, there was much to learn.

"I'll admit that I thought it was a little strange," K. Lohse said, "I mean, we're a bunch of guys--some of us are more in touch with their feminine side, like Kristin, but most of us are just your average jocks. But it really was a lot of fun and it was nice to get to know each other."

There were only a few things that made it different from the typical "girls' night". First, there were no chick flicks in the background--unless The Usual Suspects has been re-classified as a chick flick. Secondly, there was beer--not a usual staple of a girls' night out. And the end results were a little different.

"There was absolutely no nail polish. I refused to allow it. That would just be wrong," Lohse said.

Not to mention probably illegal by major league baseball rules, which are quite specific on what constitutes a distraction to the hitter.

DL Competitions: The three men on the DL, outfielder R. Baldelli, and relief pitchers B. Medders and G. Balfour are all working together at the Sass Spring Training facility, which doubles as their re-hab center, in Nice, France. Being separated from the team for so long has left the men feeling a little antsy.

"We hear about all the fun activities going on over there in Minneapolis, and realize we're stuck here in Nice, and it's just not fair," Baldelli said.

To relieve their boredom, the DL Boys, as they call themselves, decided they were going to have their own competition.

"We originally thought we'd have a competition of Who Gets Off the DL First, but we decided that was unfair to Grant [Balfour]. Baldy [Baldelli] and I are only on the 15-day, and Grant's on the 60-day," Medders told the press, "So we've decided it has to be something entirely unrelated to our injuries. We were going to play scrabble, but we'd have to break the language barrier--Grant would spell things differently than Baldy and I--and they said my language studies gave me an unfair advantage."

So what was decided on?

"We're playing Chutes and Ladders. The Assassins M. Bradley set us up with a couple of boards," Balfour explained, "We play about five games each day, and are keeping a tally of who's winning. A winner will be declared as soon as the first of us gets off the DL. If someone else joins us here, then we'll add them to the competition. It might just be a year-long thing."

So far, Baldelli is wining the competition by four games.

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part XI: Sass pitcher R. Johnson was upset on Monday afternoon when he discovered that the team would wear their purple pin-stripe home uniforms, rather thank the pink uniforms.

"The pink ones look so much better on us. I'm sure Silva picked the stripes because they make him look thinner, but I still think it's wrong. I also think it's wrong that he's the ace of the rotation when my numbers are clearly better. Even Kristin's numbers are better, so I'm not sure what makes him so special."

Beth and Dawn started giggling when they heard about the latest outburst. Neither were able to recover sufficiently to explain their position. Clubhouse manager Rachel finally explained, "It's so obvious to them that Johnson will always be their last choice. They just don't like him. And, well, you can't have the ace of your rotation named Kristin. It just doesn't happen."

Pitching help needed: With the entire Sass pitching staff taking the day off, the Sass hitters felt a little lost.

"Joe Mays was pitching, and all [outfielder J.] Dye and I could think about was the fact that no one was pitching for us," Sass catcher A. Pierzynski said. It was noted that of the eight plate appearances Pierzynski and Dye had, they managed one walk between them--this on team that collected 12 hits, total. D. Meintkiewicz and E. Brown had five plate appearances without a hit or walk.

"Whoa, it looks like little e.e. [Sass third baseman E. Encarnacion] and I had to carry the team today," Sass outfielder A. Dunn said. Encarnacion led the team by scoring two runs and one RBI--qiute a feat for a guy who only had one hit and no walks, while Dunn collected two RBIs, scoring once on a homer, and walking twice. Sass shortstop C. Guillen also hit a home run, collecting an RBI and run, while walking once. Unsurprisingly, the Sass did not steal a single base.

"My mom told me stealing is bad," Sass reliever A. Burgos said, "So I'm glad that none of our guys were doing that!"

Tonight's probables: Tonight the Sass will try to make up for their lack of pitching Monday by sending pitchers R. Johnson and C. Silva both to the mound.

"It should even out," Beth said, "Tantrum-boy is supposed to strike out a lot of people--if he's not too worn out from all his crying--and Silva rarely strikes anyone out."

Johnson is trying to bounce back from being taken from a game early last week due to fatigue, and Silva is just trying to bounce back from his slow start to 2006.

Locker room redo deemed a success under slight controversy.

Team builder makes for unique results
by dawn sass/hereforthesass.blogspot.com

Monday morning's teambuilder was deemed a success by all. There was some debate over the proper colors to choose, but in the end, K. Benson won the right to choose the scheme, and the results are calming for all to see.

"I tell you, that's the last time Kristen gets to make any decisions." M. Grudzielanek was overheard saying.

A player who chooses to remain anonymous assured this reporter that "I like it, it's calming, reminds me of my mommy."

Carlos Silva waas unable to comment due to the laughing fit he was having as he surveyed the new surroundings.

Beth and Dawn stayed out of the decision making process. "This was a team building exercise. We wanted them to be a team, and learn to make decisions as a team. We just followed along with the credit card to pay for the paint." Beth commented as Dawn hovered in the background, snickering behind her hand.

Week Two: Summary of Series

Sass fall in another heartbreaker
Slumps in hitting and pitching key to loss...again
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- For the second week in a row, the Sass have lost the series to their opponent, in this case, the Waukesha Nosaurs, with a 4-7 final score.

"We were doing so well up until the very end, and then on Sunday our pitching went awry--Matt [Guerrier] gave up sixty bazillion hits, raising our WHIP. I mean, we knew we had no chance in the saves or holds, but we figured we had all the other stats down pat. And starting on about Friday, our hitting went on vacation, and we lost a couple of those by one!" Beth lamented late Sunday night.

Pitching gave the Sass team three of their four points, winning in the categories of Wins (7-2), Ks (34-33), and ERA (4.25 to 7.31). However, the Nosaurs picked up the points in Saves (0-3), Holds (1-2), and WHIP (1.42-1.33). Hitting was a little bit further behind, prompted mostly by a surge by the Nosaurs and a stumble by the Sass. The Sass only won one category--BBs (24-20). The Nosaurs took the Runs (37-31), RBI (27-28), SB (3-6), and Average (.289-.358). Both teams had 9 home runs.

"If I had just hit one more home run," Sass outfielder A. Dunn lamented, "We could've won the home run, tied the RBI--or even gone ahead if someone was on base."

Dunn, incidentally, led the team in home runs--hitting 5 of the team's nine home runs. Both Dunn and outfielder J. Dye had 5 walks to lead the team. Dunn scored a team-leading eight runs, and Dye had a team-leading seven RBIs. Infielder C. Guillen, Dye, and outfielder R. Johnson each had one stole base. The highest batting average was by Johnson at .667.

As far as pitching goes, All five starters had one win (K. Benson, R. Johnson, K. Lohse, T. Ohka, C. Silva), as well as relievers J. Mateo and B. Looper. The team had no saves, and J. Duchscherererer had the only hold. Among the starters, Johnson led the team in ERA (1.80) and WHIP (0.80), while Ohka led the team in strike-outs (7). Among the relievers, Duchscherererer and Mateo had lowest ERA (0.00), while Mateo had the lowest WHIP (1.00). Duchscherererer and Looper had 3 strike-outs each.

"It's still early in the year," Silva said. "I'm definitely not at my top form. I'm hoping I can get command of my fastball and really pitch like I did last year."

Beth and Dawn were disappointed in their loss, and made public apologies to E. They said they would not be yelling at their team.

"The boys played hard," Dawn said, "No one slacked off--we just couldn't get any hits later in the week."

To encourage the team to do better, the team is taking time Monday morning to go shopping at Home Depot's paint department to pick out new colors for their locker room. As a team-building exercise, the entire locker room will be redecorated. Sass outfielder J. Encarnacion and Sass pitcher K. Benson have embraced the idea.

"The colors in here are so last week," Encarnacion said, "It will be nice to have an updated look."

Benson agreed, "Every time I walk in here and try to imagine painting any walls in my house that color. I couldn't picture it."

Notes: Battery resting

To rest their catcher, sass rest their pitching
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team is known for making unconventional moves when it comes to setting their line-up. They have an extra challenge by not having a back-up catcher, so they often pull one of their non-catchers to fill the role when A. Pierzynski needs a rest. On Friday, however, they tried a new approach.

"Our pitching staff was feeling a little tired, too, so we decided we'd just do without the entire battery," Beth said.

Despite the bold move, the Sass managed to hang onto a very slight lead against the Waukesha Nosaurs for Friday's game, although Beth and Dawn have misplaced the scores from all the weekend games. This is partly due to personal issues, but more due to the fact that the Twins were playing the Yankees and it being Easter weekend.

"We can only do so much," Dawn said, "We love our boys here, but they're big boys. They can take care of themselves."

J. Duchschererer had been keeping track of the scores for Beth and Dawn, but a hard drive failure has caused all of his data to disappear.

"I just bought this one last week to replace another one that wasn't working well, so this really sucks," Duchschererer said, "I think I'm going to scrap this one and re-build."

R. Johnson throws a tantrum, Part X Sass pitcher R. Johnson was heard screaming in the dugout on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

"I don't know," Sass pitcher K. Lohse said. "I think on Friday it was when Twins pitcher Young Scott Baker three-hit his Yankees--he thought it was very unfair for a 24-year-old rookie to do that. I tried to explain to him that Baker pitched too many innings last year and is not a Yankee, but that just wasn't sinking in."

The problems on Saturday seemed to stem from a broken shoelace in Sass infielder R. Mackowiak's shoes. Johnson took offense that Mackowiak did not replace the shoelace in his street shoes, but instead knotted the lace.

Sunday's problem was completely inexplicable.

"I have no idea," Sass outfielder J. Encarnacion said, "I heard him shouting something about shampoo and conditioner and Brad Radke's hair. I thought about asking, but I really don't want to know. I use the same stuff as Bradke, and I've never had a problem, so I'm guessing that not even Bradke's hair products will help Johnson, and that annoyed him."

Commissioner scandal! As the Sass this week gear up to face the Commissioner of the BBL's team, a new scandal has broken out. BBL Commissioner SBGF has been reportedly lying about his age. Rather than the 30 years he tries to pass off as, it's been reported that he's really 14 years old.

"Well, he kinda acts like it," Beth told reporters when the rumors broke, "I mean, the insecurities, the bravado. It's all very much like a sullen teenager. On the other hand, maybe that's just the way he is."

The front offices of the BBL are scrambling trying to find evidence of SBGF's real age, but so far have found no proof either way.

"Dude, there is no way I'm 14. I'm a good actor--unlike that hack Tom Hanks. I live in NYC, and I lived in London and I work for MLB.com. No 14-year-old kid would know as much as I do about the world," Brian responded to the allegations.

We have a winner: Sass outfielder Frank Catalanotto apparently took first place in a horse show during an off-day last week.

Catalanotto said that he's been riding horses and competing in various events since he was seven years old. "I've always loved riding horses. I still remember the first time I got on a horse by myself--it was a very thrilling moment. For me as a child, every day was a decision: to play baseball or ride horses. I guess I probably played more baseball, but I was always kinda glad when the Little League season was done, and the neighbor kids were on vacation, so I could get down to the barn and ride."

The race was sponsored by the Northern Outfitting Club in Minneapolis, to which Mackowiak is a key member. Mackowiak attended the event, but said he spent more time helping get the animals lined up to actually watch the event.

"Seriously, I know nothing about horse racing and showing horses and all of that stuff," Mackiowack said, "But Cat there has been talking about nothing more than describing barrel racing--y'know, I'm pretty sure if you put me against a barrel, I'd win too."

Clowning around: Sass pitcher C. Silva showed up with an addition to Sunday's uniform attire. In honor of the Easter holiday, Silva chose the home white uniform--which is rare with him--and handed everyone a headband with bunny ears on it. The BBL didn't have time to forbid the wear of the ears before the game started. The Waukesha Nosaurs complained that it was distracting, but the umpires couldn't find a rule to specifically forbid it, since it was uniform throughout the entire team.

Notes: Owners drooling over boyfriends

Twins take priority over Sass
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The highlight of Thursdays action came from Sass boyfriends, Little Nicky Punto and Michael Cuddyer. LNP finished the afternoon going two-for-four with a double and a triple, while Cuddles McDimply finished his day going one-for-three with a walk and a home run. Both men made good plays in the field, as well. There was much rejoicing by Sass management. At time of submission of this article, Beth and Dawn noted the only thing they knew about their team was that "Kyle and Shaggy had great days. But did you see LNP and Michael? Wheee!"

Sass Team members were a little bit stunned by the reaction of their owners, but laughed it off.

"Man, those two will always be those two. I'm just really glad I hold the position of former Sass boyfriend, so there's a chance Dawn will notice how well I did today," Sass Catcher A. Pierzynski said. Pierzynski went 2-for-5, with a single and a double, scoring once and getting an RBI. Sass Bullpen Boyfriend M. Guerrier pitched one inning of relief work, giving up one hit and striking out two.

When informed that the Sass team played today without a third baseman, the response by Beth and Dawn was, "So? Did you see what LNP did? Did you see Michael?"

It's in the numbers: The Sass team as a whole did their part to contribute to their 8-4 win over the Waukesha Nosaurs on Thursday, with a final score of 8-4. Both K. Lohse and R. Johnson pitched spectacularly, going six and five innings, respectively, that both were credited with the win. Relief pitcher J. Mateo did so well that the BBL tossed in a third win for him. The team gave up a total of 3 runs, 14 hits, and 2 walks in 13.67 innings, giving them a combined ERA of 1.98, and a WHIP of 1.17. A total of 9 strike-outs were recorded. Of the 2 relief pitchers to work, either Mateo nor M. Guerrier received credit for a save or hold.

Sass hitting held up their end of the bargain, scoring 8 runs on 16 hits, with 1 home run, 4 walks, and 9 RBIs (one run was removed by the league commissioner because Sass outfielder J. Dye happened to mention he liked Tom Hanks), all in just 40 at-bats, leading to a .400 batting average for the team. No one got around to stealing a base.

Mixed up names: The wrong numbers were sewn onto the backs of the jerseys of Sass first baseman D. Mientkiewicz's and Sass second baseman M. Grudzielanek's uniforms--or the wrong names were sewn onto the back. The last couple of days Mientkiewicz was seen wearing Gruzielanek's name and his own number #15. Grudzielanek's locker held jerseys with his own #11, but with Mientkiewicz's name. Their road jerseys had their correct names and numbers.

"To be honest, I never noticed the home jerseys were wrong," Grudzielanek said, sheepishly, "I mean, there's a my number and long name on the back, so that's good enough for me."

Clubhouse manager Rach is baffled, "I didn't think I needed to check every jersey--I thought it was pretty easy to match names and numbers on jerseys, but apparently I'll have to watch my staff more closely."

There will be no investigation into how the error happened; presumably once the error is fixed, the episode will be forgotten. "They wore those uniforms for two nights and no one noticed. Obviously it doesn't make any difference," Dawn said.

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part IX: Sass pitcher R. Johnson threw a fit on Thursday, when both he and Lohse were scheduled to pitch. While it's happened before that more than one Sass pitcher is scheduled to pitch on the same day at the same time, this has never been a problem before. However, Johnson was upset with sharing a the limelight with, "a head-case, hack pitcher who's never had a winning record in his life!"

When it was pointed out to him that in both 2002 and 2003 Lohse had winning records, Johnson scoffed. "Two years of his career? Who cares?"

Johnson then went on a rant how he only gave up one run, while Lohse gave up two whole runs, and how he struck out five, while Lohse only struck out two. He did not, incidentally, bring up the fact that Lohse pitched six innings and got a quality start, while Johnson only pitched five.

"We both got wins," Lohse responded. "That's all that really matters."

Competing for a money: Sass relief pitcher B. Looper earned a $5,000 bonus to his contract on Thursday for finishing the New York Times crossword puzzle in less than five minutes. Beth had challenged him, and he gleefully accepted.

"I've been doing crossword puzzles since I was eight years old. It's my addiction. It really helped me in my schoolwork, too, because by default my vocabulary had to expand--it made reading and comprehension much better. It's something I would encourage all kids to look into--there's plenty of time at the ballpark before games to get a few done. They're hard at first, but it's amazing how fast you learn," Looper told the press, holding up the completed crossword puzzle, which he plans on autographing and framing to present to Beth at the end of the year. Looper reported later that half of the bonus will be donated to Sass outfielder R. Johnson's "Reed to Kids" children's literacy foundation.

Beth later beat J. Duchscherererer in a competition on the Cryptoquip from the Minneapolis Star and Tribune, although there are rumors of unfair play, as she had Star Wars running in the background while they were competing. Duchscherererer said next time he'll play Pride and Prejudice to see how Beth reacts to a turnabout.

Young players still learning the rules: Thursday the Sass played without a third baseman, as Sass third baseman E. Encarnacion was grounded by his mother for failing to pick up his toys before he left to play baseball with his friends.

Tonight, the sass will play without a starting pitcher. The starters have felt overworked in the last couple of days, so they're all getting the night off. Dawn and Beth will take over duties on the mound, but no stats will be assessed.

Notes: To everything there is a season

A time to change for the Sass
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team lived up to their name during their game on Wednesday.

"Things were getting a little dull in our playing, so we decided it was time to mix things up a bit," Dawn said, "[Pitcher Carlos] Silva wanted to see what it was like for a catcher. He's not as sassy as my A.J. [Pierzynski], but he did manage to bring opposing batters to tears of laughter."

The Sass line-up today looked normal, but when the players took the field, things seemed drastically awry. D. Mientkiewicz trotted out to center field, and A. Dunn was seen patrolling the SS position. M. Guerrier was in right field, while C. Silva enjoyed his time as catcher--seeing the battery from the other position--and with A. Pierzynski pitching. Second baseman P. Polanco and outfielder R. Johnson both got to try their skills on the mound, filling in for relief appearances in the later innings, while relief pitchers B. Looper and J. Duchscherererererer were playing first base and right field, respectively.

The rest of the field looked like this: E. Brown was at second base, J. Dye was at third, C. Guillen played left field, and E. Encarnacion filled in time as the utility player.

In spite of the chaos on the field, the Sass still managed to beat the Waukesha Nosaurs with an 8-3 victory.

"It was a ton of fun," Looper said. "I'm usually out there on the mound feeling all the pressure of the game, so it was fun to see Pole [Polanco] and Johnson on the mound. On the other hand, I realized how much I really enjoy pitching. On the mound, I'm always part of the action. At first base, there are times when I'm just standing there. I heard [former Twins first baseman] used to play tic-tac-toe on the ground around first, so I started writing crossword puzzles. Too bad they kept getting messed up."

Because the statisticians couldn't handle the chaos of the mixed up player, Silva was given the win for Pierzynski's performance on the mound.

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part VIII: Sass pitcher R. Johnson was upset on Wednesday. "It's three days before Easter and they're making me play in a night game? This is an outrage!"

It was pointed out to Johnson that he did not have to pitch on Wednesday night, but he still found the indignity of being forced to wear a uniform and sit in the dugout to be a torture.

"Right now, I need to be home with my family, going to church, and doing all those family things that we should do. I shouldn't be sitting with a bunch of men--pranksters, jokers, no one is taking anything seriously but me!"

Johnson's teammates were filled with confusion by this outburst.

"But..but...but," K. Benson said, "He wouldn't be with his family anyway!"

Team spokesman, K. Lohse, added, "Kristin is right. Johnson is a ballplayer. Even though we're on a home stand right now, Johnson's family doesn't live in Minnesota, so he wouldn't see them even if we had a day game. When he calms down, I'm going to talk to him to figure out exactly what the root of this latest outburst was."

Lohse later admitted he's not sure Johnson ever calms down.

To be, or not to be: Pitcher T. Ohka amused his teammates Wednesday before the game by reciting Shakespearean soliloquies paraphrased to fit into the baseball theme.

"I think his best was Romeo and Juliet's 'But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East and Juliet is the sun! Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon!' I can't remember what he said, though," Brown said.

Ohka tried to remember what he said, "'But strike! What pitch to yonder catcher glove? It is the curve and called strike three is the call! Arise, batter, and kill the opponents pitch!' But I don't remember exactly. That seems a little lame. Tomorrow I might try 20th century plays, because there are plenty of opportunities to paraphrase famous plays to fit the day."

The bonds of the injured: Injured Sass players are getting antsy. They're all working very hard in re-hab, but are finding the process slow and grueling.

"We're all dealing with problems on the right side," outfielder R. Baldelli said, "I've got the hamstring, [pitcher Brandon] Medders has his shoulder, and [pitcher Grant] Balfour has his elbow, and kinda his shoulder, too, from Tommy John. It's kinda funny that none of us managed to injure anything on the left side."

Because the three are together all day working on rehab, they've formed a close bond.

"It took us forever to understand Balfour's accent, but now we can't remember when we didn't understand a word he said. It's been fascinating, really, with all of us speaking English, but I've got the southern United States, and Rocco has the east cost, and then Balfour has Australia. Language is constantly changing, so it's fun to see how it's changed being in different parts of the country, but moreso how much a continent apart things have changed," Medder said, excitedly. "We have an exorbitant amount of fun together. We never stop laughing when we're all in the gym together. We've formed a pretty close bond. It's not the way I'd want to form relationships with my teammates--I'd rather be in the bullpen or on the field, but it's not bad. Besides, Rocco cooks for the three of us every night, and the food he makes are simply delightful to the palate."

Coming next: The sass team again face off against the Waukesha Nosaurs today. The Sass will send Lohse and Johnson to the mound, while the Nosaurs will counter with C. Zambrano.

"Zambrano should be ours, and Johnson should be theirs," Dawn said, "But he wouldn't trade. That was mean."