DL Update: Travels in France

Dawn will return to Sass as early as Thursday morning.

Dawn has been ill, not injured for quite some time. After numerous doctor appointments, and a brief foray into alternative medicine, Dawn plans on returning to the sass early Thursday morning.

"I've been gone so long. I'm loving it here in Nice, I mean, how great is it to have some hot young baseball player painting your toenails? But I need to spend some time with the active boys too. I'm feeling much better."

The cause of Dawn's illness has still not been determined, and she may need to return to Nice in the future if her symptoms show signs of regenerating. But for now, she is excited to join the team somewhere in Orange County, CA.

Notes: Extra Fielding Practice Needed

Moral High Ground needed
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

ANAHEIM -- The Here for the Sass Team demands the Moral High Ground, even when victories are sparse, and difficulties arise in the form of injuries or troubles. This high-caliber playing is demanded not only of the Sassians themselves, but it is also demanded of everyone in the ballpark. Earlier in the year, fans were required to show up early for some fielding practice. The Fans Fielding Percentage (FFP) has gone up, and is highest in the BFL, Beth and Dawn noticed something while watching the games on Tuesday.

“The fans were doing okay. We’re still missing a lot of plays we just need to make, but they’re steadily improving. They’re new to this--this is the first year the Sass have been around. However, there is positively no excuse for how poor the ushers and umpires are fielding,” Dawn said.

Oftentimes during games, the umpires will be throwing balls to the Ball Boys, and will need to catch balls the Ball Boys have thrown to them. Ushers, on the other hand, do no regularly need to field balls, which is probably the cause of their laxness in fielding. However, when fans are not near enough to field cleanly, the ushers will need to catch the fouls. While the balls not being fielded cleanly does not affect the play of the game, it does affect the aesthetic pleasure of all watching.

“This is of serious concern to the Sass Management,” Dawn said, “And I’ve scheduled extra fielding practice for the umpires and ushers before the game on Wednesday. I hope that when I’m watching tonight’s game from my suite in Nice, I will see quality fielding.”

Fantasy broadcasting opportunity: When the Sass are on the road, or when a Sass player cannot make a Sass game, the fans love to critique the announcers. No matter how high the caliber of announcers a team has, the fans still feel they could do better. When the Sass return home in a week and a half, the fans can put their money where their mouths are. A fantasy broadcasting booth will be available for fans to show their skills, at a cost of $25 per inning.

“You can broadcast just one inning, or you can broadcast an entire game--if space permits,” Clubhouse Manager Rach said.

The fans will be given the same access to stats as the professional announcers, and, in a twist unseen before, their broadcasting will actually be broadcast live at the Sass Radio Network’s alternate station.

“This way, fans can listen to other fans broadcast, but, more importantly, we will always have our professional broadcasters if any fantasy broadcaster is not performing up to the high standards Sass fans are used to,” Beth said.

Fans can sign up for their fantasy time up to 10 days in advance, by calling the Sass ticket offices, or visiting the Sass web site.

Banned! Sass Stadium now bans the use of speaker phones in the stadium.

“There is positively no reason that any fan should have to listen to someone else’s phone calls. We already ask that any fans making non-baseball related telephone calls during the game please remove themselves from the stands. However, there’s been some reported irritation over the use of speaker phones before the games,” Beth said.

Sass front office was quick to point out that speaker phones themselves were not banned, simply the use of them in the stadium.

Teddy-Bear Give-away Thursday: The next Sass Promotion will be on Thursday, when Teddy Bears dressed as players will be given away. Teddy bears will be the approximate skin color of the player they are representing, and will wear a the players’ uniform. There will be 1,000 of each player, coach, and manager; this will also include the DL Boys and any player who has played for the Sass this year (except pitcher R. Johnson. Marketing analysis showed 97% would be burned before the game ended). The total number of Teddy Bears given away will be 40,000, which means almost all fans entering the ballpark should get one teddy bear.

“It was a bit difficult. Sass Stadium has a capacity of 47,651,” Dawn said, “We usually sell out, even on Thursdays, so we needed to make sure we could get the promotion to as many fans as possible.”

The Sass promotions are only available to Sass fans. Any fan entering the park wearing logos of any other team are given a pocket-sized packet of Kleenex.

“If you’re not a Sass fan, why would you want a Sass branded item?” Beth said. “It makes more sense to give the gifts to those who will appreciate them.”

Tonight: Beth is still recovering from Brad Halsey’s pitching performance on Tuesday, so she is unable to bear the thought of another Sass starter on the mound. For this reason, there will be no starting pitching tonight. It’s entirely possible that a Sass reliever or two could take the mound, as they’ve not disappointed her too much in the last couple of days, but she has not yet decided on that.

“It will depend on how the game is going, I guess,” Beth said, “If we need a pitcher, then I’ll throw one in.”

Mark Grudzielanek confided to the press that he’s pretty sure that Beth will not be able to face having a starting pitcher until Friday, when she’ll be recovered from the recent performances.

"Even the starting pitchers agree: if one of them were to pitch in the next couple of days, it could land Beth on the DL for fatigue. It's better for the pitchers to rest and let Beth recover," Mark said, and then added slyly, "At least until Dawn comes back."

Week Eight: Summary of Series

Sass win again!
Lead held after relaxing weekend
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

The Here for the Sass team reported that they won their second series in a row, this time with a score of 8-4. This also put the Sass up to 14th place out of 18 teams. Because of this, cake and wine (non-alcoholic for the children) were served in the dugout, as well as an order of balloons from Ghetto Cub.

“We’re moving up! This is so totally awesome. Winning is FUN!” Beth said.

Although earlier this week the Sass held a greater lead, they were just pleased to hang on for the win.

“I know we were doing much better earlier in the week, but it was our usual weekend problem. And our pitching melt-down issue,” Beth explained.

Pitching melt-down seems the trouble spot of the Sass. While they are all perfectly capable of putting on a fine pitching performance, once one pitcher has a bad outing, all the other pitchers follow in sympathy.

“Kristin is our reliable guy, but he started out this week with a craptastic performance, and finished the week with a slightly better, but still not even close to stellar, performance,” Dawn said.

The batters finished the week with a sweep, taking all six categories, while the pitchers could only manage two of six. The scores were: runs (26-20), home runs (9-4), RBI (31-20), stolen bases (2-1), walks (21-12), batting average (.290-.279), wins (1-3), saves (0-1), strike-outs (36-40), holds (4-0), ERA (5.62-5.48), and WHIP (1.53-1.62).

“Wow. We hit--and walked--really well,” Adam Dunn said. “Winning two weeks in a row is a bit heady. I know we have a tough competition this coming week, but I hope we can bring out our best game--both sides of the game--and pick up another victory. Because it’s fun to see Beth and Dawn smiling.”

Jermaine Dye was given the Hitter Award of the week, as he had the most runs (5), home runs (3), and walks (8), while tied with Carlos Guillen for the most stolen bases (1). Juan Encarnacion had the most RBI’s, at 7, while Michael Cuddyer had the highest batting average (.316). Among the bench players, Emil Brown led the way with 3 RBIs, while Doug Mientkiewicz had 2 runs, and Mark Grudzielanek had a batting average of .500. Little Nicky Punto did not have an opportunity to play as he spent most of the week putting together the weekend package for Dawn.

“I’m honored to have the Weekly Hitter Award,” JEn said, smiling. “I know I had some pretty poor weeks earlier this year that frustrated Beth and Dawn a lot, so I’m glad I’ve finally come out of that funk. I’m really grateful that Beth and Dawn didn’t give up on me. It would’ve been easy to do. I was ready to give up on myself too many times, but they were always there, giving me another chance.”

The pitchers, on the other hand, made Beth and Dawn cringe--again.

Among the starters, the Weekly Starter Award went to Aaron Harang, who led the starters in every category--except wins, saves, and holds, which no Sassian starter had any. Aaron H. had 8 strike-outs, an ERA of 2.57, and his WHIP was 1.29.

“A whole week without a single win? That’s pretty sad,” Aaron H. said. “We really have to go out this week and get back on track. It’s completely unfair to our batters.”

The relievers did slightly better, with Brandon Medders getting the lone Sass win; Julio Mateo and Matt Guerrier both picking up 5 strike-outs, Matt, Ambiorix Burgos, Carlos Silva, and Julio all picking up holds; Brandon and Julio both had ERAs of 0.00; and Julio’s WHIP was .25.

“Whoa. Those are some good numbers we threw up there,” Brandon said, with a touch of awe in his voice. “If we can keep this stuff up, it will take a lot of pressure off of our starters. If they trust us, they can have more confidence in the games, and they’ll pitch better.”

Beth agreed, “They are doing well. I’m quite impressed with the Sassian relievers. We know we have issues not having a real closer, but it’s quite impressive the Hold Machine they’re turning into. I’m quite pleased with this, and I hope they continue.”

This week the Sass face the Tygers, who are currently in 11th place.

"Let's try for another win," Beth said. "The Tygers like to take weekends off, too, so let's see if we can actually continue to compete through a weekend!"

Notes: Successful tournament after weekend chaos

Mini-golf tournament deemed a success
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

ANAHEIM -- The Here for the Sass team was a bit late coming into Anaheim for their game Monday, because Monday morning many Sassians participated in the First Annual Mini-Golf Extravaganza. Among Sassians, Frank Catalanotto was the winner, coming in 12th overall.

ClosetJaysFan was the ultimate winner, receiving the Augie Ojeda Award. FordHoiberg took the Little Nicky Punto Award for her second-place finish, and “Nick” finished third, earning him the Placido Polanco award. Augie finished sixteenth overall in the competition, Little Nicky finished tied with Dawn for 23rd place, Bobbi finished 29th, Rachel finished 34th, Polanco finished 58th, and Beth came in 897th place, out of 956 participants.

“I didn’t finish last!” she exclaimed gleefully. She took a lot of ribbing from the Sassians, who wondered aloud how anyone could do that poorly at mini-golf.

“You’d think she was playing blindfolded or something. Next year, I think she should just keep score,” Matt Guerrier said. Grant Balfour laughed until his face turned red.

Sass bookkeepers reported that $46,000 was raised for the Sass Charities.

Welcome back to the DL boys! Sassians on the DL joined the team for the event, but flew back to Nice with Dawn Monday evening. None of the boys participated in the event, as it was difficult for them to hold the golf clubs wrapped in bubble wrap. Instead, they put on exhibition games of Chutes and Ladders, where they showed their different styles of play.

“Grant prefers to add the numbers in his head, and move his marker immediately to the square it belongs. Tomo [Ohka] prefers to count the squares with his fingers, looking at the detail of each square he passes, and then move his marker. Rocco [Baldelli] likes to do everything with a bit of a flair, so he pounds his marker on each square he passes, counting aloud. I like to slide mine along until I reach the appropriate space,” Justin Duchscherererer said.

There were rumors that Beth would be placed on the DL, but she has recovered sufficiently that management decided a DL stint would not be necessary.

This was the first visit to Minneapolis by Grant and Rocco, and the team was very pleased to see--or meet--both of them. The “Bal Boys”, as they’re referred to, were around for Spring Training, but the many roster moves have meant that many Sassians had never met them.

“It’s kinda fun to see the guys I’ve never met--and Dawn,” said new Sassian Brad Halsey, who had never met any of the four DL boys, nor Dawn. “I’m kinda excited to see what they can do. I hope I’m not the one cut when they get called up--or, if I am, I’m allowed to stay with the team like Rob Mackowiak.”

Rocco was pleased to announce that he currently was in the lead for the Chutes and Ladders competition in Nice. Tomo Ohka won the exhibition series in Minneapolis.

Poor umpiring: Just two days after Beth was ejected from the game for arguing with the umpire, she made a rare move seen in baseball. In the second inning, after the third blown call by umpire Laz Diaz, Beth walked out onto the field and ejected him.

“I’ve never seen anything like that before,” said Stacy, of StacyTwins733. “I didn’t even know it could be done!”

Diaz will likely be fined for the behavior leading to the ejection, but it is presumed that suspension will not be necessary. The umpiring crew rearranged to allow for Tim Tschida to move from second base to home plate following the ejection.

Pre-game Performances: The Sassians were very fortunate to contact the Aussieaires, formed by Aussie and her team, Johan es mi novio, to perform before Saturday’s game. They also lead the crowd in the singing of the National Anthem.

“It’s very difficult to get their schedule to coincide with ours,” Dawn said, “So while on the DL, I’ve been trying to work out a schedule. When I found on they’d be playing across town on Saturday, I knew it was our golden opportunity. I arranged for their game to start a half-hour later, and everything fell into place. I watched on television, and it was fabulous.”

Dawn’s call was then interrupted, as she had an appointment with Tomo Ohka to find new shoes for tennis.

Umpires practice: Strike-out moves: the only time umpires really have to show any personality. The umpiring crew met early on Friday to practice strike-out moves for the weekend.

“It’s very important that we have good moves,” said umpire Ted Barrett, “Anyone can just throw the arm across indicating a strike-out, but it takes time and practice to do so with flair becoming an umpire in a highly emotional game.”

The umpires worked together giving hints to one another on style. Jacque Jones, from the Wombats, was on hand to offer suggestions. Jacque is very familiar with strike-out moves, although he concentrates more on swinging variety.

Sassian fans judge all umpires on a ten-point system for the quality of their umpiring, with extra consideration given to style. After the weekend, Ted was giving the highest scores, at 9.87, from the fans at Sass Stadium. Rick Reed was given the lowest score, at 7.54.

“It’s not that his moves were bad,” said Will, a fan attending the game, “But that his called strike calls were slow. It makes it very difficult for the fans to sit and wait to find out if a close pitch was in the zone or not. We hate delayed cheering.”

Tonight: Tonight the Sass intend on sending pitchers Aaron Cook and Brad Halsey to the mound.

“Brad’s been struggling a bit in his move from reliever to starter,” Beth said, “While Aaron has been doing fairly well as a starter. Brad actually does well for a few innings, but usually gets hittable in the middle innings. I’m hoping that working together, Aaron can give Brad pointers on how to avoid those big hits.”

Notes: Investigation of drug abuse

Commission accuses Sass manager
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team officially announced Thursday night that BFL commissioner SBGF has begun an investigation on Sass manager Beth for suspected drug abuse. Based on the vast amounts of cold medication, combined with a small quantity of allergy medication, SBGF believes there is strong evidence towards Beth possibly making methamphetamines. Beth has been put on record that the charges are absurd, but the investigation continues. Sass team members are outraged.

"She has a [deleted] cold," catcher A.J. Pierzynski said. "Our managers are delicate women, and I think it’s stupid of SBGF to continue to treat them like suspects. He admits to ingesting mood-altering chemicals himself, so I’m not sure what his justification is in this case."

Other Sassians were equally baffled by SBGF’s actions.

“Obviously, Beth has a tendency to get colds. You know, colds aren’t something that you can just get over; you have to let them run their course. It’s taking a long time, and Beth needs some way to survive. She was coughing pretty badly before she started on cough syrup,” Sass outfielder Michael Cuddyer said.

Mockball Madness manager Nick has agreed to be legal representation for Beth.

And another one bites the dust? Sass Front Office announced Thursday night that if Beth had not recovered by Tuesday, they would place her on the DL and send her to Nice for recovery.

"We want her to battle through this, but there comes a point when our hands our tied. We can't have her just sitting on the bench, so we really need to get her ailments taken care of while someone else takes over her coaching duties," Rach said.

Beth expressed frustration saying that she felt that things were starting to feel better, but she understood the need to make the decision sooner, rather than later. With Dawn also out on the DL, this left the Sass with no other choice for the "manager" position, and will be searching through their minor league systems. Johan Santana has expressed an interest in the position. Talks are currently in place with aussie from Johan es mi novio, whom Johan will continue to pitch for.

”A hit! A hit! A palpable hit!” Beth was surprised when she checked her e-mail Thursday night to see a message from Dawn entitled, “Rocco got a hit!” Rocco Baldelli, an outfielder who has not played anything but spring training games since 2004 was playing with a rehab assignment team on Thursday when he recorded a hit. As it was his first professional--although not major league--in almost two years, it was worth noting.

“I’m quite pleased with the progress,” Dawn wrote, “It’s nice to see him playing again. Because he hasn’t played in so long, though, we’re going to make him play for about three weeks in the minor league rehab assignment.”

Rocco is currently with the Sass’s AA team, the Nice Nice Guys. It was decided that he stay in Nice rather than go to the AAA Vancouver Sarcastics, so he could be near the trainers who worked with him through his rehabilitation.

Charity warms the soul: The Sass have always been very community-minded, and were recently looking for a new charity, when Mark Grudzielanek, Doug Mientkiewicz, and A.J. approached Beth and Dawn and suggested the team do something for children in dire situations. As the three men are still very thrilled with the son they adopted together, it was understandable that they were worried about children not as lucky as young Jimmy.

It was at that point that they decided while they couldn’t adopt all the children--and some children in difficult circumstances actually have families, it was decided that the Sass team would make Project Linus quilts to be given away. Beth and Dawn met briefly on Thursday night to discuss the details of the plan.

Reminder: The Sass remind all fans that Monday, Memorial Day, will be the First Annual Mini-Golf Extravaganza. Please call the Sass front offices by Sunday evening if you wish to participate, although walk-in registration is welcome as long as there is space available. Sass players will only be on-hand until noon, when they will need to catch a flight to Lost Angeles for their game Monday night.

Notes: First BFL ejection

Manager argues with umps; ejected
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- Here for the Sass owner and manager Beth was ejected for the first time in her BFL career Wednesday afternoon. She came out of the dugout to argue a called ball by home plate umpire Andy Fletcher in the fifth inning. Fletcher nearly immediately ejected her.

Catcher A.J. Pierzynski, who was behind the plate at the time and thus was in on the conversation said that Beth came out and said, “I know I’m not supposed to argue balls and strikes, but I could see that was clearly a ball even if I were in the Cheap Seats!”

Matt Guerrier, who was pitching, said he was shocked when Beth popped out of the dugout, but even more shocked when she was ejected. “She’s normally fairly even-tempered so it takes a lot just to get her out there. For her to infuriate the umpire enough to eject her…well, that’s completely out of character.”

Rumors circulated that Beth wanted to be ejected so she could go up to the clubhouse and take a nap. Beth is currently ailing with a cold, and if it lingers much longer, she will be placed on the DL and sent to join Dawn, Rocco Baldelli, Grant Balfour, Justin Duchschererer and Tomo Ohka on the DL.

Opposite Day: Looking at the box scores from Wednesday’s games, Beth realized it was opposite day.

“JEn [outfielder Juan Encarnacion] is usually our least reliable hitter. He hasn’t hit for power or for average so far this year, making him in many ways, the weakest link in our outfield,” Beth said after the game. “However, today he was the only guy on our roster to get multiple hits. Most of our roster didn’t get any hits at all.”

The Sass hitting collectively went 4-for-29, while they were not at all helped by their pitching, who had a collective ERA of 10.97. The pitching paired up nicely, with two starters and two relievers pitching, one each had an ERA of 27.00 and 4.50.

New pricing tiers announced: The Here for the Sass front offices finally have announced the new pricing tiers. All ticket face values will remain exactly as is printed on the schedules. However, anyone showing up wearing Sass team apparel--defined as anything branded with the Sass logo--will be given $2 off per ticket. Mockball Madness fans will get the same discount.

Anyone showing up wearing the apparel of any team below the Sass in the league will get $1 off per ticket. Anyone found wearing the apparel of the Assassins will pay double the face value of the ticket, as well as having their names taken down for ridicule purposes during the game.

Tonight: Tonight there will be limited playing time, due to the players union demanding some guys get days off, so many bench players will take the field. The Sass will only have starting pitcher Brad Halsey on the mound, with Julio Mateo and Ambiorix Burgos ready for relief work. The will be playing with one outfielder in Emil Brown, and the infield will consists of first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz (who will also fulfil the duty as catcher), second baseman Mark Grudzielanek, third baseman Placido Polanco (moving over from his usual second base position), and shortstop Carlos Guillen. Any one of the players may be given a day off to rest, as well, but starting line-ups have not been finalized yet.

Notes: Camping weekend ahead

Plans announced for weekend adventure
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- Camping in the outfield: Major League baseball teams have done it before. Independent League baseball teams have, too.

However, when the Beth and Dawn started making plans for a weekend of camping, they decided to do something different. Rather than just a one-night stay, the weekend of camping will be an entire weekend affair. It will take place June 23-25.

Fans may buy the weekend package (prices vary depending on the seats for the game; contact the ticket office for more information), fans can come Friday night, watch the Sass face the Destroyers. Afterwards, they will be allowed onto the outfield to set up tents and stay the night. While Sassians will not be staying the night with the fans, they will be at the stadium on Saturday morning and will serve breakfast, starting at 9:00 a.m.

“That was a concession to Beth, who didn’t want to get up any earlier than that,” Dawn explained.

Tents will be taken down, and fans will be allowed to store them in specially designated areas. Showers will be available. After breakfast, the Sassians and fans will play in a quick whiffle ball tournament. A Sassy Burger lunch will be provided in the picnic area inside Sass Stadium, with the coaching staff grilling the burgers (Bronson Arroyo may not be available for this). In case of rain, lunch will be served in the seating area. Fans may then watch as the Sass and Destroyers take batting and fielding practice. Sass front office officials will be available for questions. Coaches will intermittently join the fans to explain the nuances of batting and fielding practice.

After the game Saturday, there will be fireworks (in case of rain, Sassians will entertain the fans for an hour with stand-up comedy). Fans will stay the night again, and brunch will be served, again by the Sassians, Sunday morning.

During all three games, camping fans will receive coupons for free Sassy Hot-Dog Meals (hot dogs, chips, a cookie, and a medium drink).

If there is rain, the roof of Sass Stadium will be closed and the camping will go on as planned.

It’s a Small World: Outfielder Adam Dunn and pitcher Brad Halsey were chatting before the game on Tuesday. Both grew up in Houston, TX, but had gone to different schools.

“Adam’s a year older,” Brad said, “But we played against each other in high school. He was good then--the first time I saw him play, I thought ‘Wow. I bet I’ll watch that guy on TV someday.’ I never realized that one day I’d be a teammate of his--and our families would be watching both of us on TV!”

Adam remembered the young Brad impressing him.

“I was a good player, and I knew I had a shot at going pro, but Brad, there was no question in my mind that I was looking at a future star. He had the determination and fight to make it--no matter what he did. And his fastball--even then--was pretty lethal to our hitters!”

However, on Tuesday they realized that they had played for the same T-ball team when Adam was 5 and Brad was 4.

“We lived across town from each other,” Brad said, “Y’all gotta realize that there are a lot of T-ball leagues in the city. I don’t know why I was in the league all the way across town.”

The West Side Rockets were the City Champions that year.

“We were talking on Tuesday about different prized possessions. I started recalling the awesome trophies my t-ball team was given for winning the City Championship. As I described it, Brad interrupted me to say he had the exact same trophy. The trophies every year were different, so it became apparent we were on the same winning team,” Adam said.

Officially, he can play first: Due to BFL rules that all players must have at least 10 MLB starts at a position to play that position in BFL games, utility player Michael Cuddyer had only been available at second base, third base, and in the outfield. That all changed on Friday, when Michael played a game for the Minnesota Twins and played first base, his 10th major league start at first base.

Beth and Dawn received official paperwork from the BFL Headquarters on Tuesday, allowing Michael to play first. Both were quite pleased with yet another option for the already-valuable Michael.

“Well, I don’t know that we’ll ever put him there,” Beth said, “Since we already have enough options between Doug [Mientkiewicz] and Adam. But it’s very nice to know we have the option, should the need arise. What I’d really like is for him to play catcher, though.” She then grinned and glanced mischievously at Michael, who laughed.

Michael has never played catcher in his life, so there’s not a lot of expectation that he’ll get ten games in as catcher this year.

Notes: Prettying up the dugout

Inspired pitcher adds touch of class
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- Here for the Sass pitchers Brad Halsey and Aaron Harang decided the Sass dugout was boring.

“It looks like every other dugout in the major leagues--except the days we have balloons,” Aaron H. said, “I decided it needed a little sprucing up. Besides, Beth and Dawn wouldn’t let me plant flowers around the pitching mound.”

Aaron H.’s favorite activity in his off-time is growing plants. His yard in his house in Minneapolis is legendary for the beautiful flowers--and Sassians who’ve been over to his place for meals say that the fresh vegetables and herbs from his garden taste better than the finest restaurant in France. Harang noticed that there was plenty of sunshine at Sass Stadium, and decided that he could put flowerpots in the dugout with flowers and herbs.

“That was the best idea yet,” said Juan Encarnacion, “This place usually stinks, but with the addition of a few large flowerpots, suddenly the place is a little more classy.”

JEn helped Harang with arranging the plants for the best aesthetic value.

Brad Halsey added his own touch, building a waterfountain.

“Originally I was going to make it so the drinking water flowed through it,” Brad said, showing his design, but eventually I decided that would be an engineering nightmare. It would need to be cleaned and sterilized daily, and, quite frankly, there was always the risk of contamination. It was better to just have it for decoration.”

The fountain is a replica of the fountains that surround Sass Stadium, where fans often wade to cool off in the hot summers.

Bring the Kids! The Sass are reminding fans that children 14 and under are eligible for half-price tickets any day of the week.

“Knothole days on Sundays are nice, but sometimes parents can’t make it to the stadium on a Sunday afternoon--it’s a long drive for some fans, there’s work in the morning, there are just too many things going on,” Dawn said.

The Sassians are very much in favor of well-behaved children attending baseball games at the stadium. There are sections set aside specifically for families with children, all with great views.

“Children can get restless and unruly at times--even the best-behaved kids will sometimes have a bad day. Having other children around can help entertain each other, and it’s less disruptive to childless fans,” Beth said.

While Sass Stadium is one of the few stadiums known for having ample toilet facilities, the family sections are special because not only do they have enough toilets, but the stalls are large enough that parents may enter with their smaller children. The Men’s bathrooms are arranged without urinals, allowing fathers to take their daughters in with them.

New to the grocery stores--Sass M&M’s: Here for the Sass and Mars, Inc. have announced that Sass Stadium will now be selling their own special mix of M&M’s. All M&M’s sold in Sass Stadium will be pink and purple mixes, the Sass colors.

“I adore the new mix,” said Kristin Benson, who does television and radio spots advertising the new snack. “I’m hoping that they’ll start selling them outside the stadium, too. I know color doesn’t make a difference in taste, but I like the colors.”

Book Published: Sass outfielder Emil Brown has spent a lot of time sitting on the bench this year, filling in for players on their off-days.

“At first, I was bored and a little antsy sitting on the bench, and then Bronson [Arroyo] and Mikey [Restovich] asked me to help watch the opposing pitchers and hitters to find any weaknesses that we could act upon. Pretty soon I always had a notebook with me in the dugout, and naturally, that led to writing poems,” Emil said.

Brown collected all the poems he’d written in the dugout, and sent them off to a publisher. The poems were immediately accepted, and Emil’s first book Sunshine on My Face will be available both at Sass Stadium and bookstores throughout Sass Territory.

Catcher in the corner: Sass Catcher A.J. Pierzynski was not available to start the game yesterday. On Saturday afternoon, he got in a fight with the opposing catcher. To punish him, Beth had him sit in the corner for a half an hour. The time was lenghthened as A.J. kept getting up to "go get a drink of water" and "check on the wrestling match." When he finally managed to sit quietly in the corner for a half-hour, Beth let him out, where he was able to return to the game for the last few innings.

"The punishment was deemed severe enough for me and there will be no more. I don't know whether A.J. intentionally instigated the fight or not, but he needs to learn that his brash personality--while loved by us--can sometimes offend the opposing players, and that can cause fights. I don't want him to stop playing with the intensity he does, but he needs to watch what he does so he can check his behavior if it starts getting out of control. I really wish it hadn't gone this far, but there was pressure from the other managers that a punishment was needed. In order to avoid Commissioner SBGF from stepping in, I had to come up with something," Beth explained.

Give-away deadline: Sass season ticket holders who did not get their plastic C.C. Sabathia spider when Team neut was in town two weeks ago are reminded that Friday is the last day to pick them up. After that, they will be available to all fans for purchase.

Week Seven: Summary of Series

Sass Win! Sass Win!!
Champagne, Ghetto Cub Balloons! Pancake Cake!
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- In a miraculous moment, the Here for the Sass teampulled off a 6-4 win over the Mmmm…Guinness team.

“WE WON! WE WON!” was the telephone call to Nice, prompting both Beth and Dawn to fly back to Minneapolis to join the team in celebrating with the fans, as the team finished the series on the road. Over 32,000 fans showed up to celebrate with the Sass at Sass Stadium.

“I was completely shocked to walk into Sass Stadium and see that many people there to cheer for us. I know we have loyal, devoted crowds, and we sell-out every night, but this wasn’t even the World Series, but judging by the fans reactions, it might as well have been,” said Sass first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz. He admitted that tears came to his eyes to see such support.

“It’s Sunday night. They have to get to work or school in the morning, and yet they came out to Sass Stadium, just to celebrate with us. I never knew we meant that much to these people,” said shortstop Carlos Guillen.

The Sass managed to pull out the win with hard work by both the pitching and the offense. The offense won four, while the pitching won two, and tied two.

“If only I had watched for Lyle,” lamented newest Sass pitcher Chan Ho Park, “I might’ve been able to strike out one more, and we could’ve won that.”

Sass first baseman/outfielder Adam Dunn and third baseman Edwin Encarnacion were seen staring at the “win” category realizing that just a couple extra hits by them could’ve given Sass pitcher Aaron Harang another win, rather than a 0-1 loss.

“So close, just…so close,” Adam muttered. e.e. gave Harang a box of Legos in apology.

The hitting could be summed up with: the Michael Cuddyer and Jermaine Dye show, although all Sassian position players worked hard for the 4-2 victory in hitting stats. The breakdown was: runs (24-28), home runs (7-5), RBI (28-24), stolen bases (5-3), walks (24-20), and average (.318-.308).

“There was no one person we could’ve done without. Losing Jermaine or Michael would’ve hurt us the most, but everyone’s stats were important. The races were too close for any one person to not contribute,” Beth said.

The team leaders were: runs, Michael (5); home runs, Jermaine (2); RBI, Michael and Jermaine (7); stolen bases, Michael, Carlos Guillen, and Little Nicky Punto (1); walks, Michael (6); and average, Placido Polanoc (.450).

The pitching scores were even closer: wins (2-2), saves (0-2), strike-outs (37-37), holds (3-4), ERA (4.30-4.81), and (1.38-1.49).

“We were tied in strike-outs? Not one pitcher could get just one more strike-out? That’s amazing,” Dawn said. “They owe me a new pair of shoes for that!”

The individual team leaders for starters were: wins, Kristin Benson and Aaron Cook (1); saves, N/A; strike-outs, Aaron H. (17; two starts); and ERA and WHIP, Kristin (1.00 and 0.78). For the relievers, the leaders were: wins, N/A; saves: N/A; strike-outs, Ambiorix Burgos (4); holds, Brandon Medders (2); ERA, Carlos Silva and Matt Guerrier (0.00); and WHIP, Matt (0.69).

“This was a good showing, even with our usual weekend collapse. C’mon lads! We can do it again!” was the rallying cry from Beth and Dawn, as they got on the plane to return to Nice. Both are expected to return to the Sass later this week, possibly Tuesday.

Notes: Managers on the DL

Mateo returns to team with message
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- Dawn has been on the DL for a couple of weeks now, but on Friday, Beth was placed on the DL. She was temporarily available on Saturday for consultation, but found herself in Nice on Sunday, unable to help the team.

Beth reported from Nice that she was doing okay, and hoped for a quick recovery. It was reported that she could return to the team as soon as Monday, but during Sunday night’s meeting with the press, she seemed to be enjoying the Here for the Sass DL Vanilla Ice Cream, which is only available in Nice. Justin Duchschererererer, Grant Balfour, Rocco Baldelli, and Tomo Ohka were keeping both Beth and Dawn well-supplied in ice cream and assorted beverages during the press interviews.

Homeward bound, I wish I was...Sass pitcher Julio Mateo finally returned to the Sass on Sunday. He was reportedly to return to the team on Thursday, but Dawn said he needed a little extra time at the Sass rehabilitation facility in Nice.

The original plan for Justin to return to the Sassians this week has been delayed. As of yet, he still hasn’t thrown a baseball, as he rests his shoulder in preparation of a possible return to the Sass next week.

Rocco is showing signs of steady improvement, and could return to the Sass within two weeks. He would join the team for the first time, and is rather excited about the prospect. “Dude, all these guys are coming from the Sass, telling me what a great time they’re all having there and how they can’t wait to get back. If a team is so awesome that they don’t want to stay in Nice, well, that team must be pretty special.”

On the other hand, all Sassians returning from the DL seems pretty excited to meet Rocco, as they’ve heard nothing but good things about his cooking abilities.

“That’s all I’ve heard since I joined the team,” Sass utility player Little Nicky Punto has said, “Everyone who’s spent time on the DL, or who were with the Sass in Spring Training has raved about Rocco’s cooking. I can’t wait to try it!”

Welcome to history, kid: Sass pitcher Brad Halsey has been added to the history books in his own special way: giving up home run 714 to that one guy who’s going after the home run record (the author of this article couldn’t remember his name, nor could be bothered to look it up. For more information, contact SBGF). That player tied Babe Ruth with his historic home run on Saturday.

“It’s a bit of an honor, I guess,” Brad said, shrugging. “If anything, it has the potential to drive up the price of my autograph. That should help put my kids through college.”

With that comment, Sass first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz gave Brad a friendly punch in the shoulder and reminded him, “Kid, watch what you flippantly say to the press. They tend to take everything seriously!”

Brad said that he respected the man who caught the ball, who refused to return it to Barry. “I wouldn’t return it. It’s not like Barry would show any appreciation towards the gesture. He’d likely throw a tantrum. He was good friends with that crabby old man we used to have for a pitcher. If two crabby old men can be called ‘friends.’”

Lyle returns: The Sass had been hoping with the banishment of Kyle Lohse to AAA, Vancouver, the Sass would be free from Lyle Kohse. They were a bit surprised not only to see Lyle, but to see him jumping in to pitch for South Korean Sass pitcher Chan Ho Park. Reports from the Vancouver Sarcastics reported that Kyle pitched a complete game (7 innings, due to the double-header), giving up only one run.

“We assumed Lyle would follow Kyle, but apparently we were wrong. We’ll step security back up, as we know Kyle will be staying in Vancouver for at least a while longer,” Beth said, “It was harder for security when Kyle was around because the cousins look so much alike. I’m baffled to know how Bronson [Arroyo, Sass pitching coach], didn’t notice, but maybe he was worrying about his own pitching Monday. It’s an error that’s forgivable when you’re trying to work two jobs.”

Arroyo said he had never met Park before, so he did not know the difference when he went to the mound.

“Although, in retrospect, I should’ve noticed that the guy on the mound wasn’t Asian” he said.

Coming up: Tonight, with limited players available, the Sass were able to eke out an entire line-up for tonight. Technically, that’s not true, as they forgot they’d need pitching. Mientkiewicz and outfielder Emil Brown will do the starting pitching, hoping that a reliever will take over later in the game, but as Bronson is pitching tonight, and both Dawn and Beth are on the DL, that leaves bench coach Al Newman to make the decision. Newmie, LNP, and utility player Michael Cuddyer all played for the Twins before joining the Sass, and will likely be telling stories in the dugout, so whether a pitching change happens or not is still uncertain.

The 16th Place Here for the Sass team will be playing 17th Place StacyTwins733.

Notes: New Ice Cream Announced

Sass follow major league trends
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

DETROIT -- Clubhouse manager Rach announced Wednesday night that the Here for the Sass team will be offering four speciality ice cream flavors starting Thursday.

"MLB teams have their own ice cream flavors, so we decided we'd bring it over to the BFL. I think, though, that our ice cream will be much more visible in the freezers at the grocery store, as all four containers will feature the Sass pink and purple," Rach said.

The four flavors are: Sassy Sorbet, Ghetto Cub Caramel, Pancake Cake, and DL Vanilla.

The Sass team had an opportunity to taste the different flavors Wednesday before the game.

"Pancake Cake is the absolute best," pitcher Aaron Harang declared.

Pitcher Aaron Cook disagreed, and said that you couldn't beat Sassy Sorbet. "The flavor is just delightful--not over-powering, nor is it bland."

The Sass players also had a one-time opportunity to taste DL Vanilla, which will only be available in Nice. When Matt Guerrier said that he liked the plain vanilla flavoring the best of the choices, Beth glanced at him nervously. "Matt, don't get *any* ideas." The Sass players did say that it was the best plain vanilla ice cream they had ever tasted. Beth admitted that DL Vanilla might play a small role in the amount of trips she'll take to Nice this year, and Dawn's reluctance to come home.

The Sass flavors will be available at your local Cub, although possibly not all four flavors. Ghetto Cub will offer all three local flavors, and there's a free balloon with purchase. Sass Stadium will also serve all three local flavors at any of the ice cream concession stands. DL Vanilla, of course, is only available at the Sass rehab facility in Nice.

Scoooore! There was cautious celebrating in the Sass clubhouse again on Wednesday, when it was announced the Sass still held a minor lead over Mmmm...Guiness, 7-4. The Sass managed to take the lead in home runs, thank in part to solo shots by Jermaine Dye and Placido Polanco. Placido, however, was reprimanded for his home run, which was hit off of Twins pitcher Bradke, who is a pitching boyfriend of Beth.

"I apologized, but somehow that wasn't enough. I totally have to clean the shoes of the players this week. It sucks, but I know I deserve it. I don't know what I was thinking," Placido said. An apology letter was sent to Bradke, who accepted it with grace.

No management: The Sass have let their team go to Milwaukee alone this weekend, as neither Beth nor Dawn was available to join the team.

Beth sent Dawn an e-mail to Nice on Wednesday saying that her managing the team was going so sadly--often the bench players were hitting better than the regulars. Her lectures seemed unheeded, despite the current lead the Sass have.

"All I got was an auto-response from Dawn," Beth said, sadly.

Beth reported that she and Dawn will be able to manage the team from afar, communicating via "telephone, e-mail, instant messaging, text messaging, and just yelling really, really loudly." They are sad about the missed opportunity, but are unable to make the trip. Beth expects them to play like they've been taught.

Getting better all the time! Sass outfielder Rocco Baldelli was told he could either continue playing rehab games in Nice, or he could join the Sass AAA team, the Vancouver Sarcastics. He has elected to stay in Nice, to enjoy his time with Dawn, and the close friends he's made there in the past two months.

"The rehab games are just like AAA, so I'm good," Rocco said, "And, quite frankly, Grant [Balfour] and I have been hanging out for a long time. I'm hoping he's going to join the Sass not too long after I do, but so far there's no time table for his return. I'm not going to cut our time short. Besides, one of us needs to take the lead in this Chutes and Ladders competition!"

Sass pitcher Julio Mateo is slated to return to the Sass soon, too, and there's the possibility that Justin Duchschererer could return not long after, as well.

"That will only leave me and Grant," Sass pitcher Tomo Ohka said, sadly. "We'll miss them. But that means we'll get to spend more time with Dawn, so it works out."

Notes: Cautious about lead

A point gained is good, but could be easily lost
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

DETROIT -- The Here for the Sass team was quite pleased Wednesday night to find they had taken the lead in this week’s competition.

“It’s only Thursday. We’ve had leads on Thursdays before only to wither away over the weekend. We’re cautiously celebrating,” Mark Grudzielanek said.

The Sass managed to tie Mmmm…Guinness in runs scored, but still trail dreadfully in RBIs. The Mmmm…Guinness team has more home runs and a better batting average, but the Sass are still leading in stolen bases, thanks to the Minnesota Twin players, and walks.

As of yet, neither team has a win or save, while the Sass have the market on holds (with one). The Mmmm…Guinness team is quick to point out that they also have a lead in strike-outs.

“Oh, that’s funny. Of their six starters, five have pitched. Of our five starters, one has pitched. We’ve got some time,” Beth said. She also admitted that if that many Mmmm…Guinness pitchers have started so far, there’s a high possibility for two starts for some guys this week, giving them the extra edge.

Another teary good-bye: The Sass had to say goodbye to their team spokesperson on Wednesday. Beth, with approval from Dawn in Nice, sent Sass pitcher Kyle Lohse down to the Sass AAA team in Vancouver. Kyle’s pitching was generally good, but too often Kyle’s evil cousin, Lyle, would lock Kyle up and pitch in his stead. After his most recent outing, where Kyle was fine for two innings before Lyle caught him on his way back from the bathroom between innings, Beth decided that Kyle must be sent away from the team.

“Lyle is a huge problem that Kyle needs to work out,” Beth said. “We’ve been making excuses and trying to help him, but ultimately, this is Kyle’s problem. We’ve been able to deal with it so far, but Lyle has started to get greedy, and has been harassing other pitchers. The entire pitching staff is not performing up to par because they know that Lyle could be around any corner. We have some evidence that he’s been attacking other pitchers.”

In the official statement, it was said Kyle would return to the team as soon as Lyle was banished. The Sassians are hoping that, with Lyle out of the picture, that Sass pitcher Carlos Silva will regain confidence and be able to be placed in the starting rotation again.

Dawn reported from Nice that Sass reliever Julio Mateo, who was on the DL due to a sore shoulder aggravated by the shaking with fear of Lyle, had stopped shaking and was looking very good in his simulated games. It’s possible he will return to the line-up on Thursday, now that an open spot has been left by Kyle’s leaving.

Kyle was unavailable for comment.

Welcome? Newest Sass pitcher Chan Ho Park had an interesting welcome to the clubhouse. He was supposed to join the team Monday, but was unable to work out the plane schedule, and didn’t actually enter the clubhouse for the first time until Wednesday.

“I walked in, and there he was, watching that movie,” Chan said. He was referring to Sass outfielder Jermaine Dye, who was watching a Jackie Chan movie.

Jermaine was the only player in the Sass clubhouse then; all the other position players were in the training room or in the batting cages. The pitchers were all in the shower room holding a water balloon fight. Jermaine, who does his own workouts at local gyms before coming to the stadium, and was waiting for Michael Restovich to come so they could watch tapes of at-bats together. In the meantime, he was watching a movie on the clubhouse television.

“Everyone thinks it was on purpose to be funny--watching Chan when Chan came in. Really, I had no idea that Beth and Dawn had signed Chan. It was pretty funny though,” Jermaine said.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder: There had long been a stand-off between Sass utility player Little Nicky Punto and Sass catcher A.J. Pierzynski over the affection of Dawn. However, recently, the two men have been seen going out after games together, coming to the stadium together, and LNP has babysat for A.J.

What started this friendship? Sass pitcher Matt Guerrier, whom holds a lesser position in Dawn’s heart, brought the two together.

“LNP and A.J. were both moping ever since Dawn went on the DL. Every report from Nice and the princess-treatment she was getting there just seemed to depress those two even more,” Matt said. “Something had to be done.”

Matt did not tell either of the two of his plan, but simply invited them both out after a game. Matt had planned with Placido Polanco to get a phone call after an hour, knowing that he could leave--if the other two wanted they could stay. He found out later that LNP and A.J. sat talking for four hours after he left.

“Well, with Dawn being gone, I felt a little lost--like something important was missing,” LNP said. “A.J. was the only guy here who could understand. We just bonded. I think my jealousy was getting in the way before. A.J.’s a pretty interesting guy. Very outspoken and brash, but that’s part of him. He wouldn’t be A.J. without it.”

When Dawn returns, will the rivalry start again?

A.J. laughed. “Well, yes. There will still be moment of jealousy when she picks one of us over the other--it happens at times, even if it’s unintentional. She’ s pretty fair. But I think it will be more of a hurt feeling than bitter jealousy. LNP’s a great guy. I think the friendship we developed will last a lifetime. Besides, when the Sass play Mockball Madness again, we’ll be totally displaced and we’ll need each other!”

Poor management: It wasn’t until Wednesday evening that the Sass realized their management problems this week. Beth had benched regular starting shortstop Carlos Guillen in favor of LNP, which was the final straw.

“We felt kinda dumb,” Sass outfielder Michael Cuddyer said, “We’re playing Mmmm…Guinness. Scott Baker pitches for Mmmm…Guinness. I know I’m Beth’s official boyfriend, but the schoolgirl crush she has on Scott Baker is insane. It’s cute, really, but she really hasn’t been thinking straight, lately.”

Beth had tried to sign with Baker in the off-season, but by the time she got to working out details of a contract, he had already signed with Mmmm…Guinness.

Looking around the pink and purple Sass clubhouse, Scott’s comment was, “I think I made the right decision.” Hearing the laughter from the water-balloon fight in the showers, he added, “Or maybe not.”

Tonight: For the second day in a row, the Sass have no starters scheduled to pitch; yesterday, they had fans filling in from the stands rather than waste the arms of their team. Today there’s a possibility of relievers Brandon Medders, Matt Guerrier, or Ambiorix Burgos pitching briefly, but it will depend on how the children from Washington Elementary perform. If the children pitch well, it’s possible that no relievers will be necessary.

Press Release

The Here for the Sass team has announced that pitcher Kyle Lohse, who recently had been on the team solely to keep the grass in the outfield of Sass Stadium mowed, has been sent down to the Vancouver Sarcastics. The outfield grass there has been getting long recently, and they need some extra help maintaining the field.

"His pitching was okay," owner Beth said, "It's just that too many times, his evil cousin Lyle would kidnap Kyle--or any other pitcher on our staff--and take the mound. This move was really in protection of our entire starting rotation. Watching Lyle pitch had caused great stress to not only our starters, but our relievers were feeling tense, too."

The Sass had already sent reliever Julio Mateo to the DL to protect him from Lyle's vicious attacks, and hope to call him back up in a day or two to take Kyle's spot on the roster. Dawn reported from the Sass rehabilitation facitily in Nice that Julio was quite relieved to hear the news, and the constant shaking seemed to diminish immediately.

Notes: Battle of the Titans off to good start

Match-up of the week on BFL a nail-biter
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

DETROIT -- Here for the Sass faces Mmmm…Guinness this week, in what has been advertised as one of the best match-ups in the BFL to date. Usually, opposing managers start the week by saying, “Wow! The Sass are here to play this week!” before the Sassians relax a bit, allowing the other team to win. There’s no such luxury this week. This week, the Sass are competing for the title of the Worst Team in the BFL. They’ve managed to keep the score tied 5-5 (neither team has a save or a win--unsurprisingly, leaving them tied in those two categories).

“They’ve done exactly what I expected of them,” Heraldguy, owner and manager of Mmmm…Guinness reported, “They’ve got a random group of guys that they put together and pretend are a team. Although why they have their catcher playing left field has baffled me.”

It was reported that Adam Dunn wanted to try catching, and A.J. Pierzynski was hankering to spend some time not behind the plate.

“I really liked my day of pitching a couple of weeks ago,” A.J. said with a grin, “But Beth looked about ready to explode when I suggested it, so I conceded to left field. Besides, Dunn kinda looks like a catcher, so it made more sense for us to switch.”

It amuses players, which is the ultimate goal for the Sass team, although winning would be a very very nice thing, too.

"It'll be a good competition all week. I know I'm leading by a long shot in runs so far, but the week is still early, so we can't give up," Heraldguy said. "I'm hoping for a win here."

The Battle of the Titans continues all week, drawing sell-out crowds. The Sass report that they only home game they’d play during the week was Monday, where they had their first ever sell-out crowd.

“It could’ve been a great week for profits here at Sass Stadium, but it’s not to be,” Dawn said.

Last minute line-up change: Sassians visiting the Mmmm…Guinness stadium were shocked when they saw the starting line-up included Kyle Lohse as a pitcher.

“Even I was shocked,” said Rachel, the clubhouse manager. “I was sure Beth said that Kyle would be back in Minnesota mowing the outfield grass yesterday--there’s been a lot of rain recently, and it was supposed to be nice Tuesday.”

However, when the Sass took the field, a line-up change was announced, and Kyle was not pitching. It was reported that he declared before the game that he did not want to pitch. There was no word on the reasons, but upon his return to Minnesota, he pitched briefly for the Twins, pulling out a performance that even embarrassed his mother.

In the meantime, Carlos Guillen’s snuck in a game against the Minnesota Twins during some down-time. Beth was present for the game, and caught him getting actual real hits off of not only got a hit and walk off of Lohse, but also walked against fellow Sassian Matt Guerrier.

“Matt was there to get a little practice time in,” Beth said, “But Carlos G. was supposed to be back taking fielding practice with Newmie [Sass bench coach Al Neman].”

It was decided that for a punishment, he has to wash all the socks of the Sass players.

Chutes and Ladders update: Reporting from Nice, Dawn has reported that Julio Mateo has managed to take the lead in the DL Chutes and Ladders Competition. Despite being on the DL for a short period, he managed to out-score both Grant Balfour and Rocco Baldelli, who have been on the DL since the season started.

“It is so unfair!” Baldelli said, as he looked at the scoreboard. “No matter what Grant or I do, we just can’t pull out a win! I think Grant was leading for a while after Medders joined the team, but pretty much neither of us have put together any consecutive wins.”

The physicians and trainers in Nice have reported that it’s possible for Mateo to re-join the Sass as soon as Thursday, but Beth and Dawn are thinking about holding him back until Sunday. “It all depends on what our match-ups look like,” Dawn said, sipping a mojito, as Tomo Ohka painted her toenails to match her sundress.

The trainers also said that Rocco Baldelli might be ready to play in some minor league games next week. They suggested two weeks, at least, of minor league games before allowing him to re-join the team, but no time-frame has been decided upon.

Dawn is uncertain when she’ll return from Nice. “I think it’s very important for one of us to be here to keep an eye on the four guys here. The e-mail communication is usually stellar, as well as the occasional pop-ins by Beth, but I think it’s great for me to be here,” she said, as she accepted another piece of cheesecake and a shawl from Justin Duchscherererer, as the evening started to cool.

How low can you go? Sass First Base coach Augie Ojeda said that he prefers it when Adam hits home runs.

“The man is 6’6” tall. When I stand next to him at first base, I feel like we should have cell phones to talk. It sucks that almost all of Aaron H.’s hits are singles. He’s even taller. Fortunately, I don’t usually have to talk to him about plays. When we talk in the clubhouse, we’re usually sitting, so the height different isn’t quite so exaggerated,” Augie said.

Augie, Little Nicky Punto, and Placido Polanco--the only Sassians under 6 feet tall--often harass their taller teammates. They will often ask, “Why don’t you play basketball? You’re so tall!” All three men regularly wear t-shirts that say, “Why, yes, I do play miniature golf”, so the taller Sassians have no come-back line.

Speaking of… The Sass team have announced their First Annual Mini-Golf Extravaganza will take on Memorial Day.

“There are so many golf tournaments, often for charities, that it’s really expected of us. I can’t golf. I have no idea if Dawn can golf. I’m sure there are many fans out there who would like to partake in some of these tournaments, but can’t golf either. Well, anyone can do mini-golf and have fun,” Beth said.

The proceeds from the tournament will go towards charities supported by the Sass, including the American Heart Association and Reed to Kids children’s literacy program.

The awards will be the Augie Ojeda Award for the best score, the Little Nicky Punto award for second place, and the Placido Polanco award for third place.

“It’s according to height; the shorter the Sassian, the higher the level of the prize,” Carlos Silva exclaimed gleefully.

To sign up for the event, call the Sass Hotline, or check their web site. All participants will receive a t-shirt, lunch, and tickets to a future Sass game.

The Sass will also have a silent auction, as well as a raffle with such items as game-worn jerseys, tickets to Minnesota Twins and Swarm games, blankets, bobbleheads, and a chance to be bat-boy for the day.

Week Six: Summary of Series

Taking the weekend off
Good start completely foiled by weekend off
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS - The Here for the Sass team played very well and were very competitive versus Team Neut last week, but a weekend of poor performances by most Sass players meant a poor overall finish. The final score was 3-8.

It was reported that a couple of players were confused by the schedule, and seemed to think that this weekend was just exhibition games. SBGF had released an official announcement saying that the weekend was for exhibition. He later retracted the statement, but the retraction did not reach all members of the Sass before the weekend games commenced.

The Sass managed to win in RBIs (25-21), walks (22-15), and batting average (.266-.262), while tying in wins (4). Their losses came in runs (26-30), home runs (4-6), stolen bases (1-4), saves (1-4), strike-outs (37-42), holds (0-2), ERA (5.19-2.96), and WHIP (1.55-1.41).

“Really, we remained strong all week. We just barely lost a couple of those categories. The guys did well. I’ll admit there was some poor managing on my part,” Beth said.

Injuries also played a role in this past week’s performances, with Justin Duchscherererer going on the DL, and a couple other Sass players being a little worse for the wear, but narrowly avoiding the DL. Because of this, Beth and Dawn were unable to get them in the line-ups.

“Although,” Dawn said, “The Royals sweep of the Indians did help our team immensely.”

The team leaders for hitting were as follows: runs, Michael Cuddyer (6); home runs, A.J. Pierzynski, Adam Dunn, Edwin Encarnacion, and Jermaine Dye (1); RBI, Carlos Guillen, and Jermaine Dye (4); stolen bases, Adam (1); walks, Adam (4); and average, Little Nicky Punto (.667, with limited at-bats), and Mark Grudzielanek (.429, with significant at-bats).

“Jermaine and A.J. are a little upset with their performance, to tell you the truth. They’re glad they helped the team, but they managed to get multiple hits against Twins pitchers this week, and that invokes the ‘No Cookies’ law. Since they both hit home runs against Carlos Silva, they were both banned for a period of one week,” Beth said.

A.J. and Jermaine both sent apologies to Silva, but the damage was done. Mrs. Guillen, wife of Carlos G., fully supports the ruling.

Adam was the most amused by his stats for the week. “I feel kinda powerful, to tell you the truth. My batting average for the week was a paltry .091, and I still walked 4 times. That’s saying something about their fear of my bat!”

The Sass pitchers, on the other hand, would have done well to fear opposing players’ bats. The performances this week only earned them a tie.

The team leaders among the starters were: wins, Kristin Benson, Aaron Cook, and Carlos Silva (1); strike-outs, Aaron Cook (6); ERA and WHIP, Kristin (1.29 and 0.71). Among the relievers, the leaders were: wins and saves, Ambiorix Burgos (1 and 1); strikes-outs, Ambiorix and Brandon Medders (5); ERA, Matt Guerrier and Brandon (0.00); and WHIP, Matt (0.86).

“The consistency we see from Kristin is so nice. He’s a guy we throw out there every week and he’s on top of the game. Like all starters, he’ll have a bad outing here and there, but we always know he’ll keep us in the game,” Beth said. She paused and then said, thoughtfully, “I hope that doesn’t jinx him.”

The Sass are looking forward to some increases performances in pitching this week, although they’re just not quite sure how they’re going to manage with four pitchers on the DL. There is hope that Julio Mateo will return this week. The doctors and trainers in Nice have indicated that he’s been able to throw without pain, but they still have not cleared him to return to the Sass. In the meantime, they have added Chan Ho Park to their roster.

In other news, Carlos S. has been removed from his starting pitching duties. He will spend some time with the Sass doing relief appearances, when needed, and will spend the remainder of the time with pitching coach Bronson Arroyo, both working on pitching and doing back-up vocals on Bronson and Matt’s first collaborative album.

“He will also be required to clean the hot tub morning. We coddle our lads on the DL, but we don’t coddle our players in the big leagues. Clearly, just dragging the field was not enough motivation for Carlos,” Beth said.

Dawn reported that Kyle Lohse will be mowing the outfield at Sass stadium Tuesday, as the Sass team will be away on a road series.

Notes: Weekend of Chaos

Players went on vacation, forgetting games
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team realized Monday morning that a vital error was made.

"I didn't give the team the weekend off. Dawn is in Nice, so she certainly didn't give the team the weekend off, and yet, they took the weekend off. I'm screwed now," Beth said early Monday morning.

Beth was already on probation from Dawn, and was solely in charge of the team while Dawn visited the DL over the weekend. In that time, the Sass went from having a 6-5 lead over the Neut team to end with an 8-3 loss.

"What? We weren't still taking batting practice?" Sass Pitcher Carlos Silva said, incredulously. Upon being informed that the batting practice was over three innings prior, Silva was pulled from the mound. Silva's status on the team is in jeopardy as this is not the first time he's not noticed when batting practice ends and the game starts.

"We're going to sit him for a while," Dawn said, "So he can learn the signs of the start of the game. I know it's confusing--the national anthem, the introducing of the team, the ceremonial first pitch. It's so easy to miss in all the chaos of warm-ups."

Sass pitcher Aaron Harang, who is new to the team, looked at fellow pitcher Aaron Cook, who is also new. "I think she's being sarcastic."

Beth off probation: When called in Nice, Dawn said she was quite enjoying her time there, and felt that recovery was imminent--but not too soon. She mentioned that the DL Boys were so excited that she was staying there long-term (Beth usually only stayed a day) that they begin immediately trying to make her more comfortable.

"It's too bad she's not feeling totally fine," Sass outfielder Rocco Baldelli said, "I would love to cook her some awesome food. I'm dying to try cheesecake, but Julio will have nothing to do with it."

Tomo Ohka, who's in Nice with a bad shoulder and his condition is still unknown, has been entertaining Dawn with modernized versions of Shakespearean plays, although on occasion he can be convinced to do more modern works, and did a one-person show of the popular musical Rent.

Julio Mateo, another Sass pitcher in Nice, usually is known for his stock market analysis, but Dawn discovered that he also adored the popular television show "Lost", and the two have been watching each episode.

"When Justin [Duchscherererererer] went on the DL and came over here to Nice, Beth asked that we return Julio. Not a chance!" Dawn said. She admitted knowing that Beth was feeling a bit of pressure being short a relief pitcher, but felt that temporarily grabbing a new starting pitcher of Chan Ho Park would pacify Beth until she was ready to part with Julio.

LNP and Sass catcher A.J. Pierzynski were both seen to be looking a little green with envy, as Dawn's boyfriends.

You did what?!? Dawn got a brief text message from Beth last Monday night. "I unbenched Kyle Lohse."

"I felt like it was a confession," Dawn said. "Kyle has never pitched well against the Tigers, and suddenly she's unbenching him? He's been benched for weeks and she randomly does that now?"

Beth was not available by phone or e-mail, but Michael Cuddyer, Sass outfielder and Beth's boyfriend, has said that Beth would not be adverse to Dawn re-benching Kyle. "She might end giving in and benching him herself later. I have no idea what Beth will do. I think if Dawn has a preference, Beth will gratefully take her advice."

Dawn said that while she took Beth off probation late last week, she might have to re-instate it for this bone-headed move.

"She has no idea why she did it," Sass pitcher Matt Guerrier said. "Temporary insanity, maybe?"

Stadium rules: Sass Stadium is unlike any other in the BFL. Unlike most parks, where fans simply buy tickets where they like, the Sass have special rules. They have entire sections set aside for serious fans.

"Serious fans aren't the ones that can rattle off Little Nicky Punto's batting average, or JEn's [Juan Encarnacion] stats from AA. Serious Fans is only an indicator of people who are not standing up during innings--between innings is okay, and if your seat is near the end or the pitcher is amazingly slow, you may return to your seat between at-bats."

Any fan found disobeying the rules will asked to leave, and will not be allowed in the Serious Fans section for a period of one week for a first offense, one month for a second offense, and an entire season for a third offense. Beth was heard muttering about "snipers for further offenses" but it's assumed that one never takes what she mutters seriously.

All other fans are in sections designated "Casual Fans." Those who are out for an evening with their friends, to enjoy conversation and the lovely culinary delights found around the concourses. Sass Stadium is known for it's wide range of edible delights, and is often a place for friends to gather for a fun evening. Rocco has stated that after an initial visit to Sass Stadium before the season started, he can't wait to come back and try the food.

"It's really just to make sure everyone has a good time when they come to see the Sass. Some people come for baseball, and some people come for a social outing. We like to make sure both groups feel welcome and have a good time," Dawn said.

Listening to the fans: Frank Catalanotto, Sass outfielder, was standing in left field in the top of the sixth inning on Sunday when he heard fans shouting at him.

"I turned around, like I always do, and waved," Cat said. "They kept yelling, so I tossed them the ball JEn and I were tossing around out there."

Eventually, the fans were able to organize their yelling, and Cat got the message.

"They were telling me that my zipper was down," he said, sheepishly. He did thank all the fans for telling him, as it was a nationally televised game. "That would've been embarrassing next time I came up to bat. I know none of the players would've told me. Silva probably would've gotten a tape of the game just to giggle at me. To say nothing of what the little boys [Edwin Encarnacion and Ambiroix Burgos] would've said."

Notes: Managers reprimanded; DL'ed

Management Issues need to be worked out
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The owners and managers of the Here for the Sass team had a rough day on Thursday. Dawn started the day by placing herself on the DL. She reported to Nice to join the DL Boys yesterday evening. She is not injured, but instead finds her health ailing. The Sassians all sent their condolences. Dawn's boyfriends, A.J. Pierzynski and Little Nicky Punto both sent her "Get Well Soon" cards, as well as combining efforts to send her a basket of flowers and comfy flannel pajamas. Matt Guerrier sent a gift box full of things to keep her entertained, both on the plane and in Nice. Juan Encarnacion sent her a new pair of shoes.

Before she went down, Dawn was forced to make the difficult decision to reprimand Beth. Dawn had asked Beth who Barry Bonds had passed to get to #3 all-time home run hitter, and Beth had no idea.

"I don't tolerate that sort of lack of knowledge from her. I was disappointed. It was difficult, but it needed to be done," Dawn said.

It's uncertain whether the punishment will be a fine, or suspension. They are hoping that if a suspension needs to be served, it will be meted after Dawn returns from the DL. Doctors will checking Dawn out Monday to give everyone an idea of when that will be. Beth, Dawn, and the Sassians are all hoping SBGF does not get involved in this decision.

"This is so dumb," Justin Duchschererererer said, "I mean, Beth's smart, but she can't know everything. Although, I'll admit, I'm a little disappointed that she didn't know it was Willie Mays. Fourth, now fifth, for anyone keeping score at home, is Sammy Sosa. Harmon Killebrew is eighth."

Aaron Harang looked at Justin, "Dude, you're insane."

Painting project underway: Placido Polanco, the resident artist of Team Sass, noticed one thing wrong with Sass Stadium.

"The outfield walls are boring! It's like a large canvas, waiting for beautiful art work!" Polanco exclaimed. Beth and Dawn gave him permission to paint the outfield walls. He had a large mural planned out depicting great plays the Sass have made throughout their history.

"Um, this is our first season," Dawn said. Placido assured her that he could see the future talent of the Sass developing, and could imagine the great plays that would be made in years to come. For the project, Ambiorix Burgos and Edwin Encarnacion volunteered their help.

"It's TOTALLY like graffiti," Ambiorix said, "So e.e. and I were all over that! Placido is a cool guy, too, so we love that he's letting us help with this painting. He does kinda get annoyed when we start painting each other, though."

Still winning? Clubhouse Manager Rach was doing her clubhouse duties, when she looked up at the television, which was showing the Sass game on the SSN (Sass Sports Network). She was pleased to see the Sass took the lead, 5-4, over team neut. She immediately called Ghetto Cub and had a delivery of balloons and pancake cake on the way.

"This is so cool. Two days in a row, we're winning! If only we can take this momentum into the weekend," Rach said, enthusiastically.

Off-day: The Sass had another slow day, with bad weather around the nation interrupting games, meaning the Sass only had three players out in the field today, to avoid others from getting sick from playing in the cold weather. Between Adam Dunn, e.e., and Frank Catalanotto, the team went 3/12, with 2 walks, 2 RBIs, and 1 run.

The rest of the Sass team found other ways to entertain themselves. Juan Encarnacion, Carlos Guillen, Doug Mientkiewicz, and Mark Grudzielanek used the afternoon to spend extra time in the batting cages, with the assistance of hitting coach Michael Restovich. Al Newman was on hand to assist with fielding practice, which worked well. The pitchers worked on their own, as Bronson Arroyo, who flies in from Mockball Madness on days he's not pitching, was one of the the players lucky enough to play today. First base coach Augie Ojeda and third base coach Lewww Ford both put in a little bit of time helping the pitchers.

"Most of the guys are hitting well. I really would've liked to spend some time with Adam, but he was one of the guys cleared for play today, so I'll have to catch them next time," Mikey said.

Community relations: Michael Cuddyer and Little Nicky Punto went out for the evening to hang out with fans. Beth and Dawn were on hand to ensure the evening was successful.

"Well, on one hand, we learned that Little Nicky Punto wears green Speedos under his uniform. On the other hand, we learned that Little Nicky Punto wears green Speedos under his uniform," Beth said. Little Nicky informed the press later that, if he was given a pair, he'd wear pink Speedos. Rach is checking with the uniform crew to see what they can do.

"We also learned that Michael Cuddyer was a Yankee fan as a child. He will be serving a punishment for that one," Beth said. "I'm almost embarrassed to claim him as my boyfriend."

Notes: Home again!

Road trip comes to an end
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

ARLINGTON -- The Here for the Sass team just finished a tough series on the road and are looking forward to returning home to Minneapolis to begin their home stand, still against Team neut. While they were gone, changes were taking place at Sass stadium, most notably to the outfield.

"You mean they finally mowed the grass out there," Michael Cuddyer said, incredulously, "That's great news to hear. Obviously, it's very difficult to field when you're fighting your way through tall grass. You can't pick up speed to run to chase balls, and they don't bounce, and when they do land in the grass, it becomes a treasure hunt to find them."

Beth and Dawn admitted that when they brought the team to the historic Sass Stadium in Minneapolis, they hired everything for the team, except for grounds crew.

"The bullpen and starting pitchers actually do the dragging of the infield dirt--whoever's not pitching is out there. We knew something had to be done about the grass, but we weren't thinking of it when we moved in here," Dawn said.

Because of that, it was decided that the Sass would punish their poor-performers by making them mow the grass, and Kyle got the job. Kyle admitted that his "punishment" for poor pitching wasn't really a punishment.

"I love mowing lawns. It reminds me of being a child. My favorite thing to do on the farm was to mow hay, and mowing the outfield reminds me of that," he said, happily.

When Kyle was done mowing the lawn, he snuck over to join the Minnesota Twins, and ended up starting pitching for them, where he performed excellently.

"I wish I had known he was going to pull a good outing out of his hat. We would've had him down here pitching for us. He said the mowing helped him relax. If that's true, the boy is now in charge of all field maintenance," Beth said.

Winning! Beth and Dawn were a bit stunned, but very pleased, to discover they at the end of their road trip, they had a 5-4 edge over Team neut.

“It’s a bit weird. After all those weeks where we weren’t very good at all, suddenly all the faith I had in the boys is paying off. I knew they were a good group when we drafted them, and it’s good to see them settling in like this. I’m so happy,” said Beth.

The team is tied in saves, wins, and home runs, and is currently leading in runs, RBIs, walks, batting average, and ERA. They are losing in stolen bases, strike-outs, holds, and WHIP.

Bookworm heaven Sass outfielder Adam Dunn admits that focusing while in Arlington is difficult. "There's an awesome used book store not too far from the stadium. I usually pick up at least a couple of books on the way to the game. When I'm down here I always feel inspired to read westerns, and there's no shortage of those. You just can't find the selection in any other city in the BFL."

Beth and Dawn joined Adam in his trip to the bookstore on Wednesday morning, and both were delighted with the charming shop, and the absolutely sweet old lady who ran it.

"We walked in there strangers, but I'm pretty sure we'll be sending Christmas letters from now on," Dawn said. "She immediately knew the exact type of books I like--without me even asking!"

The three also picked up a selection of books to donate to Reed Johnson's "Reed to Kids" program.

Hanging out in the bullpen: The Sass only have four pitchers down in the bullpen, which leads to many dull afternoons and evenings.

"Once a couple of us get called into a game, it could quickly get dull. The bullpen coach and catcher are nice and friendly, so that helps. But still, just sitting and talking is really not something any of us enjoy. So last week, we brought pens and paper down with us. We've now started a hangman competition," Ambiorix Burgos said.

It was reported that Justin Duchscherererer was very good at guessing the words, but had horrid spelling abilities when trying to make his own puzzles. Ambiorix's drawing skills often leave the others in stitches--because he doesn't put much effort into the hanging man, it's often a joke that it's a blob, not a man. Brandon Medders, a linguistics enthusiast, was the the hands-down winner every day, so it has become a competition to see who can beat him.

"Matt [Guerrier] is the easiest person to guess. It's always got something to do with music or bands. But his drawings are the most meticulous, and his handwriting is so legible--it really helps us," Justin said, "I know Ambiorix and I have pretty bad handwriting. Beth would probably kill us if she saw how sloppy we were."

Fans from afar: The Sassians were excited on Wednesday when the Batcave's own mmmarkiep came to watch the game. Beth and Dawn had him set up in the owner's suite, with all the food and drink he could desire--including an unlimited supply of Diet Cherry Coke to spill, should that old superstition be needed.

"Well, last year in the game threads for the Twins, he spilled some Diet Cherry Coke on his pants, and the Twins scored. From that point on, we made him spill every time we were in a clutch hitting situation. I don't remember how well it worked," Beth admitted.

Hormel, who serves hot dogs at Sass Stadium, often brings their Hormel Row of Fame to visiting parks when the Sass play. In honor of mmmarkie, the Sassians had the music stop mid-song, so mmmarkie could once again enjoy "You could win a Hor-"

Beth fell off the bench in the dugout, and ended up rolling on the floor laughing. Injuries were minor, and she's expected to be ready for Thursdays game.

Change of Charities: Kyle Lohse and the rest of the Sassians decided recently that playing at home on Sunday, which is Mother’s Day, as well as the day of the Race for the Cure, that their pink uniforms fit in well with breast cancer awareness, and began planning events around it. However, recently MLB decided to support breast cancer awareness, with some of the players using pink bats.

“We’re unconventional with pink uniforms,” Sass outfielder Juan Encarnacion said, “But there’s just something dreadfully wrong about pink baseball pats. It just makes me shudder to think about it.”

Kyle, after mowing the lawn and pitching for the Twins, started a new campaign for Heart Disease.

“I called some of the guys down in Arlington immediately when I heard about MLB, and we decided that we couldn’t do it. Dawn pointed out to me that heart disease was the number one killer among women. I didn’t realize this, but I think it’s more important that people become aware of heart disease than breast cancer. And, honestly, I think it makes some women a little nervous that we care that much about their breasts.”

In support of the American Heart Association, the Sass uniforms will be fitted with red hearts for the remainder of the year. In honor of Mother’s Day, all women over 18 attending Sunday’s game will receive a “Go Red For Women” wrist band. All profits from the day will be divided among various organizations supporting women.

Fired? BFL commissioner SBGF has declared that Kyle is an imposter, and “sucks”. SBGF said he believes that Kyle should not hold the position of pitcher for any team in baseball and should be replaced by the latest child phenom.

“I did not draft Kyle to be an ace,” Beth said. “I’m as aware as anyone of his failings. I’m also aware that while he is not perfect, he is not the worst pitcher in baseball. I believe somewhere in the past, Kyle hurt SBGF’s feelings--not difficult to do, really--and Brian won’t forgive him.”

Notes: Who are these guys?!

Managers confused at players
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

ARLINGTON -- It seems the Sass were just waiting for pitcher R. Johnson to leave. Celebrating Aaron Harang's birthday yesterday, the team gave him the birthday present of a high-scoring game. The Sass, not exactly known for being power hitters--or for hitting much at all--managed to shock themselves by pulling off an amazing 12/31 night at the plate--a .387 batting average. They managed to score 8 runs, with 7 RBIs and 6 walks.

"Wow. I've never seen a team come out to hit like that. We've got Carlos G. going out there and hitting a bases-clearing double, and Cuddyer himself hitting 3 doubles. Amazing stuff. I can't wait to do my part in pitching for this team!" Harang said, enthusiastically.

Pitcher Carlos Silva, tonight's starter, only made it 6 innings with 4 earned runs (5 total) on 11 hits. Medders came in for relief and pitched 1 inning, with a hit and a walk, but no runs. Carlos S. had 1 strike-out, and Medders had 2. The ERA of 5.14, and the 1.86 WHIP were not pretty, but the win was still on the record books, and that's what mattered in the end.

The Sass, however, managed to drop a point to neut, and are currently down 5-4.

“We just need to keep hitting, and our pitching will come through,” Dawn said.

Boyfriends in the clubhouse: The Sass team has always known that they take second place to the Twins when it comes to manager support. Now that both Sass Boyfriends are also Sassians, it adds a new dimension.

“Y’know, we used to think it was bad when the Twins topped our performance,” relief pitcher Justin Duchscherererer said, “Beth and Dawn would so totally put us in second place. Now we have Little Nicky [Punto] and Michael [Cuddyer] in the dugout, and it just makes things a bit more interesting.”

Both Little Nicky and Michael are engaged, but have confirmed that their fiancés are aware of them being boyfriends of Beth and Dawn.

“Oh, she found it a little weird to be talking about her fiancée’s girlfriend, but now it’s natural and she doesn’t think about it. It does make things a little awkward when she says it off-handedly to someone who doesn't understand the situation, though,” Little Nicky said about his fiancé.

Beth confirmed that last night Michael went 3-5 last night, with three doubles, while Little Nicky was in the dugout looking at shoes catalogs with Dawn. She’s pretty sure there were other great feats by the Sassians, but said she still needed to look at the game log to find out.

Charity begins at home: Having two female managers makes the Sass players all the more aware of issues outside the male realm. After discussing it amongst themselves, Kyle Lohse presented the marketing department and Beth and Dawn with a plan for Breast Cancer Awareness. Sunday, Mother's Day, the Sass will be wearing their home pink uniforms, and encourage all their fans to show up in pink.

"It will support both the Sass and the research into breast cancer. We think this is a great cause for fans to get behind the team and do something for the community--and the world. The faster we find a cure for this, the better we'll all be," Lohse's statement to the press read. Lohse will be in town on Thursday, partly to mow the outfield grass, and partly to get a start on the immediate publicity that needs to start.

Beth and Dawn have declared that all profits from Sunday's game will go to Breast Cancer research. The team has been working on other money-raising ventures for the charity, as well.

Disabled List non-update: There’s been no news from the Sass rehabilitation center in Nice. Julio Mateo and Rocco Baldelli were showing signs of improvement with pending returns, but there was no timeline given to when their possible returns could be. The Sass are still waiting hesitantly to find out of if Tomo Ohka would be able to work through his shoulder injury, or if it would cause surgery. Grant Balfour remains the enigma he always was as to the condition of his arm.

Beth and Dawn tried to contact the guys, but the time difference to Nice caused complications. They finally sent an e-mail asking them if they were still alive. The only response came from Grant, who wrote back, “*nod*”.

Beth has found less urgency to visit Nice lately. Until yesterday, there were allegations that this was based entirely on her boyfriend joining the line-up. Last night, Beth confirmed them.

“Yes, I love Grant. But the highest position he ever held was Bullpen Boyfriend. Boyfriend trumps that. I suppose eventually we’ll have either get a message from our physicians and trainers out there, but until then, it doesn’t matter,” Beth said.

“Although,” she added thoughtfully, “I’d kinda like to know what the Chutes and Ladders score is.”

Notes: Hitting on a tear

Putting in the bench players helps
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

ARLINGTON -- With limited playing time available on Monday, the Sass was forced to pull in many of their bench players, and still had to go without a catcher or third baseman.

“Michael [Cuddyer] was our utility man,” Beth said, “So he had to take over third base. It’s fine, although I like him in the outfield better. That bit about covering for the catcher, well, that was something new to him and he did okay.”

The refugees from the Kansas City Royals, Emil Brown, Mark Grudzilanek, and Doug Mientkiewicz, hit a collective 4/9 with a walk, run, and three RBIs. The Twins representatives, Michael Cuddyer and Little Nicky Punto went a collective 4-7 with two runs and a walk.

Meanwhile, regular players Juan Encarnacion and Frank Catalanotto went 1/6 with a walk.

Ambiorix Burgos went 1.1 innings in relief, picking up two strike-outs and a save. Unfortunately, giving up a solo home run, a single, and a walk meant his ERA soared to 6.75 and his WHIP went up to 3.00.

“Hey, despite having only a relief pitcher yesterday, we’re winning in two pitching categories, saves and strike-outs,” Beth said, “When neut had an actual real starting pitcher pitching against us, it’s pretty impressive that we’re ahead in the strike-outs.”

With Carlos Silva on the mound tonight for the Sass, it would not surprise the Sass to see them losing in the strike-out category--unless a couple of relief pitchers managed to take the mound and help out.

Lawn moving needed: Beth and Dawn sheepishly admitted that the reason for the success of Little Nicky and Michael--who also happen to be their boyfriends--is that they were threatened before the game.

“We noticed the outfield grass was getting long before we left Sass Stadium on Sunday,” Beth said, “So we told them if they didn’t hit well tonight, they were mowing the outfield tonight. We found a couple of old-fashioned push lawn mowers in the shed that they were going to have to use.”

Little Nicky and Michael expressed great displeasure in the idea of push-mowing the entire outfield, and promptly stepped up their hitting. Little Nicky, already the league leader in infield hits, bunted for a hit, and beat out a throw from the shortstop for a second infield hit.

“Little Nicky can fly!” Dawn said, enthusiastically.

Beth and Dawn are already planning on holding back Kyle Lohse from his next start--which they did last time, as well--to allow him time to fly back to Sass stadium and mow the outfield before the Sass return their for their weekend series.

It’s the hair: Sass outfielder Juan Encarnacion has been slumping a bit this year, and Beth and Dawn are clueless how to help him. They’ve spent hours with JEn and Sass hitting coach Michael Restovich, watching tapes of JEn’s at-bats, tapes of other pitchers, but so far have not found anything.

“Right now, everything just seems to be working wrong,” Mikey said, “He’s just not seeing the ball, and is trying to force hits, rather than relaxing in the batter’s box and taking his swings.”

JEn has started to come in for extra batting practice with Mikey, as well as many other coaches on the Sass team. Even Clubhouse Manager Rach has been seen down on the field trying to help. While his hitting has picked up lately, it’s still not quite up to past performances, so it was time to take more drastic measures.

“We decided a system of rewards and punishments was in order,” Dawn said, “We’ve taken away all the hair-care products he gets from Bradke. For each hit he gets, he can have one more back. Each time he hits with ass-bats, we take one away. We’re hoping this helps.”

There’s always time for a party! The Sass had to reasons to celebrate Tuesday morning when they entered the clubhouse in Arlington. First, they found they were tied with neut, the Steinbrenner of the BFL, and it was newest Sass pitcher Aaron Harang’s 28th birthday.

“Aaron H. helped us get rid of pitcher R. Johnson, so we’re deeply indebted to him anyway,” Dawn said, “And we’re always read for a party.”

In honor of the party, Ghetto Cub balloons are being shipped from Minnesota to Arlington. For a change of pace, pancake cake was not ordered, but instead Rachel and Mrs. Guillen both baked--Rachel made German chocolate cake, and Mrs. Guillen made strawberry cheesecake.

Aaron H. will be given the night off from pitching, allowing him to enjoy the food in the clubhouse and balloons in the dugout. Matt Guerrier has said that the bullpen will be playing music in honor of Aaron H.’s birthday.

“I usually don’t bring my guitar down to the bullpen, but today I’ll make an exception. I don’t expect to pitch anyway, because I only pitch when we’re losing, and we’re not going to lose for Aaron’s birthday,” Matt said.

It was also a party to celebrate the current tie the Sass have with Team neut.

"Amazing," was the only word out of Brandon Medder's mouth.

Late posting: The Sass would like to apologize for the late posting of today’s Notes. Blogger was not working. It was discovered to be SBGF’s fault.