Sass Worldwided

Like trees, Sass branches out - Here for the Sass, LLC announced earlier today their intentions for this fantasy year. Parting ways with Dawn's personal screenname, they've created a sports conglomerate. Beth will continue to mastermind Here for the Sass baseball and football, while Dawn is itching (literally, see earlier release regarding penniciliin) to try her hand at Golf. She admits to knowing very little about the sport, but know that Phil Mickelson and Justin Leonard are on the team.

Plans are in the works for other sports, pending manager availability and interest.

Out of Office Auto Reply - HftS would like it known that Dawn will be out of the office beginning April 2nd through April 16th. She has "rather important plans" for April 5th, and will shortly after take a scouting trip to Mexico. All inquiries should be directed to Beth.

NOTES: Team bonding

And a history lesson to boot
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Sass decided their team-building this year will be to gather before every game for a rousing round of “Ring around the Rosie.” The younger boys particularly enjoyed dramatic falls at the end, while the older guys tended to drop to a sitting position in a more controlled manner.

“Well, I can see it’s a fun game for kids, so I have no problem indulging them,” said utility player Casey Blake, who will be filling in at third base. “But they bounce back easily. I can’t risk getting injured playing a kid’s game. The press would go insane, to say nothing of Beth, who was panicked about third base until she found out I could still play there.”

“Wheee!” said pitcher Kyle Kendrick, who toppled over with a dramatic fall, “This is the most fun since the last time [outfielder Lastings Milledge] and I put the snake on Beth’s desk.

Manager Beth Sass raised her eyebrows at this, now knowing who was responsible for that little prank.

Tired, but not retired The Sass are usually known for their youth, so it was surprised when they signed on closer Joe Borowski. Joe is the oldest Sassian, nearly a year older than catcher Paul Lo Duca, and anchors a pitching staff of youth. The younger men refer to him as their grandfather, as the next younger guys are Grant Balfour and Matt Guerrier, who are six and seven years younger than Joe.

As a gift, pitchers Kyle Kendrick and Joel Zumaya bought him a rocking chair to keep in the bullpen, and infielder Edgar Renteria is working on crocheting a lap blanket.

Recovered Outfielder Nate McLouth was feeling much better and returned to Sass Spring Training, and is expected to start the year with the team. Zumaya and Andy LaRoche stayed behind in Nice, and expect to spend the early part of the season there.

NOTES: Nice starts to get help

Illnesses and injuries afoot
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- Both managers, Beth and Dawn Sass, both found themselves at the Sass Rehabilitation Facility in Nice over the weekend. Dawn is dealing with allergic reactions to penicillin, while Beth isn’t actually sick--yet. However, since outfielder Nate McLouth showed up at Spring Training with strep throat (and has also reported to Nice for recovery), it was assumed it was only a matter of time before Beth became injured as well. Grant Balfour, who is as of yet undecided whether he’s going to pitch this year or take a position in Nice, joined the ladies and Nate. Relief pitcher Joel Zumaya had already reported to Nice, and was showing some good progress in his ability to play Guitar Hero.

“There’s no way I could’ve started the season as I was,” Joel said. “I mean, there’s no way I could’ve played against the other teams.”

Beth and Dawn were quite pleased. “When we sent Joel down, I think even Beth could’ve beat him on most songs--even if both were playing the easy level. Now he can easily beat Beth, but he’s still not ready for the majors. Sure, Joel playing easy could beat Matt G. playing expert, but he really needs to compete fairly playing the hard level,” Dawn said. It was unclear whether Dawn was speaking of relief pitcher Matt Guerrier or starting pitcher Matt Garza. Sass Notes declared it irrelevant.

Also joining the crew in Nice is third baseman Andy LaRoche, who tore a ligament in his right thumb. Andy should be out six weeks, but presents an odd problem for the Sass in who’s going to play third.

I don’t know’s at third. Beth is unduly amused by Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First” skit, but she’s serious when she responds “I don’t know” when asked which player will be at third base this year. Andy LaRoche is currently out with a torn ligament, and there’s squabbling by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays--with whom Evan Longoria is associated. The Devil Rays have asked that Evan be played in the minor league system to start the year, thus delaying their need to pay him major league salaries by a year.

With Andy out, and Evan a question mark, the Sass may have to put pressure on the Devil Rays to let Evan play in the majors.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow… Sass players were surprised to show up for Spring Training on Saturday to a lovely snow-covered field. Groundscrew was baffled at how it happened. It clearly was fake snow, but how someone managed to cover the entire field was perplexing.

Starting pitcher Kyle Kendrick admitted to pulling the prank. “It snowing in Minnesota, so I thought we should pay homage to our team’s home.” He would not say how he managed to accomplish the feat, however.

Dawn was incensed. Not that Kyle pulled the prank, but rather that he waited until after she left for Nice to do so. “I wanted to see the snow!”

NOTES: Last Week of Spring Training

Can someone spare a lefty?
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Sass approach their final week of Spring Training in 2008, and there are still a few concerns with the team. Relief pitcher Matt Guerrier is the only pitcher that’s left-handed, but he brings in the added quirk that he actually pitches left-handed.

“I need to make up for Joe Mauer,” Matt G. explained. “He’s right-handed, but he hits left-handed.”

Managers Beth and Dawn Sass are almost concerned about that. “To be honest, left-handed people kinda make us nervous,” Beth said, quietly so Clubhouse Manager, Rachel wouldn’t hear. “We’ve only got four lefties on the team, and Matt G. makes up for it by pitching right-handed, and Nick Swisher and Melky Cabrera are both switch-hitters. We’re leaving Andre [Ethier] in Rachel’s hands. We trust Rachel.”

Colors… Another problem the Sass is facing is that outfielder Aaron Rowand painted a picture to present to the Sass team, to decorate the clubhouse. Unfortunately, he painted it before realizing the Sass colors were purple and pink, and the colors he used clashed with the lockers.

“I’ve been painting with watercolors for a long time,” explained Aaron, “And I’ve never really painted anything with a purpose before--most of it is just for fun, and my wife finds places to put them, or I donate them to various charities. It never occurred to me that people actually had to find places for my paintings that would match the room.”

Aaron is now working on a new water-color for the clubhouse, and his original painting was presented to Dawn, because it matched her breakfast porch. Joe and pitcher Jeremy Accardo have suggested a floral painting. Jeremy, who enjoys flower-gardening, said he was planning on growing flowers to complement the Sass clubhouse, and Joe said he could do cut-flower arrangements when the time came. Until then, Joe has been using a combination of flowers from a local greenhouse and silk flowers.

That bugs me! Clubhouse manager Rachel was in the clubhouse on Thursday evening when she noticed an insect crawling across the floor. Before she was about to stomp on it, infielder Andy LaRoche yelled at her to stop.

“I’ll spare you the Latin name,” said Andy, “But trust me when I say that you don’t see a lot of these bugs around here. They’re more native to the western United States.”

Andy rescued the bug, and euthanized it himself to add to his insect collection in his home.

“It’s simply amazing,” said outfielder Nate McLouth, “He has a whole room dedicated to glass cases filled with bugs, all clearly labeled.”

NOTES: New Season, new hopes

Few returning players for 2008
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- Here for the Sass announced Wednesday morning that the 2008 Here for the Sass team has been drafted last Saturday, and Spring Training practice will start "any day now." As per the usual, Beth and Dawn haven't bothered to set any team practices, preferring to let their players practice with their major league affiliates.

"Yet, the pull of the Sass is irresistible," said relief pitcher Matt Guerrier, making his second season with the Sass, after playing elsewhere last year. “I was sad when someone else picked me up last year before the Sass could get to me.” Matt admitted he couldn’t remember what team it was, but that the Sass were always dear to his heart.

Casey Blake returned to the Sass, for hopefully his first full season. “I didn’t make the team out of spring training a couple of years ago, losing a spot to Edwin Encarnacion. It turn, but it turned out okay.” The Sass have assured Casey that, pending getting run over by a train, he should make the team this year.

However, the person who felt the most awkward when the team reported Wednesday morning was relief pitcher Grant Balfour. Sicne Grant has been with the Sass since inception, the other guys on the team look to him for hints on the Sass style of baseball. Grant finds this a little overwhelming, because he’s spent most of his time in the Sass Rehabilitation Facility in Nice, France, and not actually with the team.

When speaking about Nice, the entire Sass team looked to their number one catcher Joe Mauer, and told him that France sucks, and he wouldn’t enjoy it there. Joe has a history of injuries, which is why the Sass picked up back-up catcher Paul Lo Duca.

“On one hand, I’d really like to play. On the other hand, Joe is the better catcher, and I’d rather have the best catcher in the game. It’s all about the team,” said Paul.

Co-owners and managers Beth and Dawn Sass held a short press conference, where they were asked to give their expectations of the Sass this year, Dawn said, “We have Jake Peavy!” When asked to elaborate, she added, “Did I mention we have Jake Peavy?” Beth Sass had no further comments.

Staff for the Year: As far as has been reported, the entire Sass staff will be returning this year. Some of the staff members are required to play for different Batling Fantasy Baseball teams, but have assured the Sass that they will play in their former capacities. Emil Brown (undrafted) and Justin Duchcherererer (Pronto Pups) have both expressed their enthusiasm for continuing to work with the Sass technology department.

Most surprisingly, Sass Notes promised that they’d come back for the regular season. Unfortunately for the team, so far negotiations for Week in Review have not gone well. Sass Notes has promised to fill in on Mondays with notes about how the team had done the past week. It’s possible Week in Review could be re-signed mid-season.

He actually owns 8-Track tapesInfielder Evan Longoria is a bit of an enigma when it comes to the technology department. “The kid can’t handle technology. He doesn’t touch computers, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t own a cell phone. Someone asked him to turn o the TV in the clubhouse and he was completely clueless. He couldn’t find the power button,” Justin said.

Emil added, “We’re not sure if he’s going to be the most painful to work with--because he doesn’t know anything--or the best, because he doesn’t own any technology.”

Evan admitted that he enjoyed woodcarving with his pocket knife, and was really into calligraphy.

Coming up… A pitching rotation has not yet been set, but games will start Monday, March 31. Joel Zumaya is planning on taking at least a few weeks off to perfect his Guitar Hero skills. “I really lost it in the off-season. I now know the importance of following the strict training schedule set up by our staff. I’ve learned my lesson,” Joel said.

The Team, 2008

Joe Mauer, C, MN
Nick Swisher, 1B/OF, CWS
Rickie Weeks, 2B, MIL
Andy LaRoche, 3B, LAD
Edgar Renteria, SS, DET
Aaron Rowand, OF, SF
Melky Cabrera, OF, NYY
Andre Ethier, OF, LAD
Lastings Milledge, OF, WAS
Evan Longoria, 3B, TB
Paul Lo Duca, C, WAS
Casey Blake, 1B/3B/OF, CLE
Nate McLouth, OF, PIT

Jake Peavy, SP, SD
Fausto Carmona, SP, CLE
Matt Garza, SP, TB
Jonathan Papelbon, RP, BOS
Joe Borowski, RP, CLE
Matt Guerrier, RP, MIN
Jeremy Accardo, RP, TOR
Joel Zumaya, RP, DET
Kyle Kendrick, SP, PHI
Grant Balfour, RP, TB

Breaking News: Out of Commission

MINNEAPOLIS - The Here for the Sass team released a press announcement saying that owners and managers Beth Sass and Dawn Sass will both be in Nice for the rest of the week, in preparation for the upcoming draft.

"I don't know if they'll be able to draft me again this year," said pitcher Grant Balfour, "But I'm still in charge of the Sass Rehabilitation Center, so I'm sure I'll see the lovely ladies this year, but hopefully only for vacations. I hope we all survive the season with no injuries or illnesses."

Beth and Dawn should return to the Twin Cities in time for Saturday, March 15th 10:45 AM CDT, draft.