Week Twenty: Summary of Series

Sass lose to cheating commissioner again
But at least they’re not slaughtered this time
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

BALTIMORE -- The Here for the Sass management was frightened going into the series against SBGF’s Assassins. The last time the Sass played the Assassins, it resulted in a total slaughter in a score that shock therapy has removed from the memories of both Beth and Dawn.

“Don’t remind me of it. It’s almost starting to come back! Happy place! Happy place!” Beth said, when the previous series was mentioned. She was then unavailable to the press for the remainder of the evening.

Allegations of cheating by SBGF have not been confirmed, as he unsurprisingly refuses to allow an investigation.

Justin Duchschererererer confirmed that he and Beth were keeping track of former Sass pitcher R. Johnson versus now Assassins pitcher Esteban Loaiza. The Sass tried to make a trade for Loaiza when he played with Team neut, and were told the trade was completely unfair. Again, the Sass are fairly certain no investigation will take place, but Beth wants to know for her own purposes.

“I would never cheat to win. I would never insist on having my way. I am the height of morality, so much so that I’ve been entrusted with making sure that no one ever hurts anyone’s feelings, and that I get my way--I mean, and that nothing unfair happens to me--err, to anyone,” SBGF responded to questions of the refusal of investigation.

The final score of the Sass-Assassins series was 5-7, which was infinitely better than the 1-11 final score last time the Sass played the Assassins. The individual category scores were: runs (38-40), home runs (11-9), RBIs (37-24), stolen bases (2-4), walks (14-27), batting average (.289-.262), wins (4-5), saves (1-3), strike-outs (36-56), holds (2-1), ERA (4.50-3.48), and WHIP (1.19-1.33).

The individual leaders in hitting were: runs, Rocco Baldelli (7) with an honorable mention to Edwin Encarnacion (6); home runs, e.e. (3), with honorable mentions to Adam Dunn and Jermaine Dye (2); RBIs, e.e. (8) with an honorable mention to Michael Cuddyer (7); stolen bases, Rocco (2); walks, Carlos Guillen (3); and batting average, Michael (.375). On the bench, Mark Grudzielanek added a home run, with 2 runs and 4 RBIs, with a .412 batting average.

“I probably could’ve hit a little better,” Jermaine said, “But [catcher] A.J. [Pierzynski] and I had to face Beth’s pitching boyfriend, Bradke, at one point this week, and we were working on charitable causes. Every time you strike out in the Dome, they donate something like $100 to fight ALS, and every time you strike-out against Bradke he donates $50 to the Brad and Heather Radke Foundation, which donates to the HCMC neonatal unit. How can you not strike out with causes like that?”

The pitchers behaved like their usual selves. The leaders among the starters were :wins, Kristin Benson and Aaron Harang (1); strike-outs, Aaron H. (13, two starts) and Kristin (5, one start); ERA, Tomo Ohka (1.29) with an honorable mention to Kristin (2.57); WHIP, Tomo (0.71) with an honorable mention to Kristin (0.86). Among the relievers, the leaders were: wins, Ambiorix Burgos (1); saves, Justin (1); strike-outs, Ambiorix (4); holds, Ambiorix and Jon Rauch (1); ERA, Rheal Cormier and Matt Guerrier (0.00); and WHIP, Ambiorix (0.60) with honorable mentions to Matt (0.67) and Jon (0.86).

“I really put my full effort into my pitching. I knew in order to keep Beth and Dawn happy, I have to pitch poorly next week, because I have to face the Twins, and pitching well against the Twins? Well, that’s grounds for me cleaning the toilets or something. I hate that. My hands get all dirty and the chemicals are so harsh, and then I have to schedule extra time getting my manicure,” Kristin said.

The Sass are in 14th Place in the BFL, despite being tied in wins with the 12th place team, and having more wins than the 13th place team.

“I think there’s something about being a commissioner that makes people desire ties,” Dawn said, “Because first it was Bud Selig in the All-Star game a bunch of years ago, and now SBGF placing other teams ahead of us in ranking because we don’t have as many “ties”. Like that matters.”

This week, the Sass are facing Baja Manitoba, run by frightwig. Baja Manitoba is in 7th place. Last time the two teams competed, the final score was a close 5-7, with Baja Manitoba walking away with the win.

“I hope we do better this time,” said outfielder Juan Encarnacion. “Last time, our hitting was just starting to get into a grove. Actually, our entire line-up is so vastly different, that in some ways it’s like we’re a whole new team…but we’re having just as much fun as we were then.”

Notes: Visiting Team Food Quality Down

No real explanation from Sass Front Office
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- SBGF's The Assassins have been a bit confused. They'd heard nothing but praises from other BFL managers and players about the absolute gourmet meals prepared by the Here for the Sass team when visiting Sass stadium.

"There is nothing special about it," said Assassins manager and BFL Commissioner SBGF, "It's just food. It's kinda bland, actually, and I lived in England, so I know what bland food is."

The Sass offered no comments on the situation, but those privy to the clubhouse learned that since he's come off the DL, Sass outfielder Rocco Baldelli has been responsible for preparing meals for the visiting team, and he feels very uninspired when it comes to cooking for the Assassins. Rocco denied that he was purposely cooking poor quality food.

"Cooking can be said to be an art--at least that's how I do it. I rarely take requests because I like to cook whatever food I'm in the mood to cook. If my food is more bland than usual, I can't help it. I'm actually not feeling that inspired this week," Rocco was overheard saying.

The Waukesha Nosaurs, who were in town last weekend said that they were impressed with the quality of the food served by the Sass during their first trip to Sass Stadium earlier this year, but Rocco's cooking was even better.

"On the flight home, our boys were a little sad that we wouldn't be facing the Sass again this year," enginesturn, Manager of the Waukesha Nosaurs, said. "I'd like to hire Rocco myself. His cooking is excellent, and his presentation is top-notch, too. Not only were our plates works of art, but they tasted out of this world."

Returning to form: Manager Dawn is still in Nice recovering from her recent medical conditions. She is expected to return to the Sass for their final week against Mockball Madness next week. In her first rehab appearance with the Nice Nice Guys had a rough outing. After a few scrapes and reported pain, Dawn took herself out the game early. Trainers in Nice said this delay was expected and they fully expected Dawn to be sufficiently recovered to return to the team on Monday.

Lego Night!: Friday night is Lego Night at Sass Stadium. All fans under the age of 14 will be given the newest Lego Baseball set. All fans over 14 will be given a copy of the Lego directions on building their own Lego Sass Stadium. There will also be coupons for Lego products, and all prizes for in-game contests will feature Lego-related rewards.

Reminder to fans: Although it is SBGF’s team, Sass fans are reminded that while taunting is acceptable, there should be nothing that could be construed as vulgar or harassment. The Sass take their image as good family entertainment quite seriously and will remove any fan deemed to be behaving unacceptably.

“I know it’s SBGF,” Beth said, “But he is a person and should not be treated with complete disrespect. Go ahead and taunt him, though. And ask SBGF what he’s doing with Mr. Esteban Loazia, when we weren’t allowed to trade for him.”

Coming up:This weekend will feature a double-header starting pitching performance tonight from Tomo Ohka and Kristin Benson. Saturday will feature Jeremy Sowers, and Saturday Aaron Harang will take the mound. Beth is unsure of the line-ups until she checks the injury reports, with many Sassians feeling banged up, or already on the DL.

“Honestly, I have no idea who’s on our team anymore. Who’s Jeremy Sowers? When did he join our team? I looked at our web site here, and I really don’t know who’s here and who’s not. For example, Placido Polanco went to Nice the other day, but he’s still listed as an active player,” Beth said. “Apparently we need a secretary here.”

Week Nineteen: Summary of Series

Sass fall despite stunning rally
Slumps in hitting keep the win out of reach
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

Heading into their games Sunday, the Sass were behind the Waukesha Nosaurs 2-9. Thanks to some lovely rallying by their pitchers, or more accurately some great sucking by the Waukesha Nosaurs’ pitching staff, the Sass managed to pick up enough points to end the week with a 5-7 score.

“Our pitching sucked this week. On Friday, I gave it up for a lost cause. Our hitting was keeping things close...in fact, they kept a couple of them pretty close, but they couldn’t quite pull it out. I hope E [official Sass heckler] still speaks to us for coming this close,” Beth said.

The final results were as follows: runs (25-31), home runs (7-12), RBIs (27-28), stolen bases (4-9), walks (15-19), batting average (.256-.306), wins (2-1), saves (2-3), strike-outs (31-27), holds (6-0), ERA (5.06-6.60), and WHIP (1.47-1.77).

“We won in strike-outs? What the [censored]?” questioned catcher A.J. Pierzynski. “Were we facing Corky “Corky” Miller this week? There is no way we can win in strike-outs. Most of our staff gets out of innings by putting the ball in play!”

The individual pitching leaders among the starters were: wins, Jeremy Sowers and Aaron Cook (1); strike-outs, Aaron Harang (7); ERA, Jeremy (2.08); and WHIP, Jeremy (1.15). Aaron C’s 2.25 ERA and 1.38 WHIP were worth noting. The worst ERA was recorded by Tomo Ohka with a 9.00, with Aaron H.’s 7.50 nothing to write home about.

Among the leaders in the relievers, we find: saves, Ambiorix Burgos (2); strike-outs, Jon Rauch and Justin Duchschererererer (3); holds, Jon and Justin (2); ERA, Justin, Matt Guerrier, and Darren Oliver (0.00), and WHIP, Justin and Darren (0.00). Brad Halsey managed to have the worst outing of all the Sass with his 33.75 ERA and 4.50 WHIP.

“Wow. Brad made me look good,” Ambiorix celebrated, knowing without Brad, his 8.10 ERA with 2.10 WHIP would’ve easily won the worst award. The Sass management have sent Brad to the Vancouver Saracastics to get some work in, as they will attempt again to get him back to being a starter.

The hitting did not do quite so well, obviously. The individual leaders were: runs, Jermaine Dye (5); home runs, Adam Dunn (2); RBIs, Adam (6); stolen bases, Little Nicky Punto (2), walks, Carlos Guillen and Michael Cuddyer (4); and batting average, Jermaine (.444). From the bench, Edwin Encarnacion contributed a .500 batting average, a home run and 2 runs, while Mark Grudzielanek added 2 RBIs and a run. However, the Sass had 3 players below the Mendoza line in hitting, and 1 player sitting on the line. Michael led the way with his paltry .130 batting average, while A.J.’s .150 and Juan Encarnacion’s .160 weren’t much better. Adam only managed a .200 for the week.

“We might’ve been able to do a little better, but we really hate tying,” said outfielder Rocco Baldelli, “If that’s what’s put us in 14th place in the BFL, so be it. We have more wins than the 13th place team, but our extra losses keep us down. We’ll take it if we don’t end games in ties.”

Beth glared at Rocco and threatened to send him to Nice to have a chat with Dawn.

This week sees Beth again alone with the team, although Dawn will likely be available by phone from Nice. It is hoped next Monday will find Dawn back from Nice. As only Doug Mientkiewicz is left on the DL, and hoping to come back soon, there’s less incentive to stay there, although Little Nicky Punto was given today off of work to visit Dawn.

The Here for the Sass team will be facing SBGF’s Assassins this week.

“There’s nothing more deflating than facing a team who’s anti-fun, complete with the anti-fun manager. It kinda sucks the life out of the field,” Justin said. “We’re hoping to go out there and show them what we have. Last time we faced them, we didn’t have a whole lot--most of us struggled coming out of Spring Training, and we still had that crabby old man that kinda sucked the life out of our team, too.”

Sass fans are reminded that the Sass will be home all this week, so ask that all come out to the park to support their team. Extra standing room will be available.

Week Eighteen: Summary of Series

Sass fall in close game
Hitting held as pitching failed
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

DETROIT -- The Here for the Sass team reported yet another loss, although management optimistically pointed out that they’re losing by less towards the end of the year than they did at the beginning.

“The first time we played DrewHIO Dreadnauhts, we lost by four points. Tonight we lost by two, and we were .001 of tying in one of those two categories,” Beth said.

The final score was 5-7, with the results as such: runs (45-25), home runs (9-5), RBI (38-27), stolen bases (3-4), walks (22-15), batting average (.304-.305), wins (2-4), saves (0-3), strike-outs (29-55), holds (3-1), ERA (5.55-4.24), and WHIP (1.64-1.28).

“Hitting is clearly where it’s at,” said outfielder Rocco Baldelli, “I mean, I was resting most of the week ‘cause my hamstring is sore, but I still added a little bit. All the other guys were positively amazing.”

The individual leaders were helped immensely by Beth and Dawn’s boyfriend, an effort that was much appreciated. Michael Cuddyer led the team with 9 runs scored, while Little Nicky Punto was right behind him with 8 runs scored. Little Nicky led the team in walks with 10--Michael was next with 6. Michael, Adam Dunn, and Jermaine Dye all had two home runs, while Jermaine had 7 RBIs to lead the team, and Carlos Guillen had 3 stolen bases. The highest batting average was recorded by Carlos Guillen at .429, with Rocco’s .417 right behind him.

“Hitting had an excellent week. Even the players who didn’t hit well contributed in their own ways,” Dawn said.

Pitching however, did not do well at all. The Aarons (Harang and Cook) recorded the only wins. Jeremy Sowers and Aaron C. both had 5 strike-outs, to lead the starters. Aaron H.’s 1.50 ERA led the starters, and Aaron C.’s 1.28 WHIP was also the best of the starters. Among the relievers, Jon Rauch, Justin Duchschererererer, and Rheal Cormier all had holds, and Jon’s 0.00 ERA was by far the best, while Darren Oliver’s 0.50 WHIP was the best of the relievers. Ambiorix Burgos, despite blowing at least one save, still managed the team-leading 7 strike-outs.

“From here, I think we just need to move on,” said reliever Matt Guerrier, “I was just coming back, and getting my feet under me, so to speak. I’m ready for some fun with the Sassians and getting the bullpen back to the solid performances that I know they can all do.”

This week, the Sass face the Waukesha Nosaurs, their sworn enemy. Official Sass Heckler E has already declared derision over the Sass’s first loss to the Nosaurs, so the Sass are hoping to gain a little respect in this series.

Update: The Sass Notes were reported missing last Thursday. Authorities have been notified and there is an extensive search taking place. Any fan with any information regarding the whereabouts of the Sass Notes is encouraged to contact the Sass front office immediately.

Notes: New commercial venture for the Sass

Keeping a foot in the business
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass announced their own brand of shoes. The effort to design comfortable and practical, but cute, shoes was the brain child of Dawn and Sass outfielder Juan Encarnacion. Dawn and JEn announced that the plan was to have shoes for every occasion, and nothing unattractive. All Sassians were invited to give ideas for comfort and design.

“I’m kinda impressed,” Beth said, “Naturally, I had to get a pair as soon as they were manufactured, and I’ve never had shoes that were so cute, and still managed to be comfortable to wear. They did a very good job.”

In a moment that amused the entire fashion industry, there are presently no Sass athletic shoes. Many assumed the first shoes to be produced would be baseball shoes. JEn has often complained about the lack of “excellent” baseball shoes.

“The designs of baseball cleats are just horrid. It’s pedestrian. There is no way we should be forced to wear those,” JEn said. “I’m working on getting design and comfort and practicality all in one shoe, but it takes time. I want them to be perfect.”

Sass Shoes will be sold in stores around the nation. They became available today, but many insiders predicted that stores would sell out quickly until production could meet demand.

Names? The Sass have a unique problem. The clubhouse has always been close, with the new additions as Sassians head to Nice, and people leaving to keep the roster at an approved size that keeps BFL Commissioner SBGF at bay. However, Beth is not known for her memory, leading to humorous moments. Yesterday afternoon, Beth needed to talk to a couple of relievers about their bullpen antics. Rheal Cormier reported this conversation was held:

“Oliver. Starts with a D...Dan, right?” Beth asked Sass reliever Darren Oliver.

“No, ma’am, it’s Darren.”

“Oh. Right, so, Dave--“

“You could call me Oliver.”

“No, no. I never do that. It seems too informal.”

Darren immediately reminded Rheal that Beth couldn’t even pronounce his name. Word in the clubhouse is that Beth will remember Darren’s first name by August 16th.

Sass Air pays for itself: Trainers have finally admitted that Sass bench first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz is not feeling better, and likely will not feel better very soon, and have placed him on the DL. He was flown to Nice immediately following the game on Monday. With that flight, Sass Accountant olbiemn informed Beth and Dawn that Sass Air had finally balanced out the costs of running the airline versus chartering or taking commercial flights. Doug reported that he was very much looking forward to challenging Grant Balfour to hold the Chutes and Ladders competition, although it’s felt that win is guaranteed.

“No one can beat him,” said pitcher Tomo Ohka, who only recently returned from Nice, “He’s just played too many games for anyone else to pull off more wins than him. It’s like a pitcher that’s pitched for 20 years will have more wins than a guy who’s only been around for 2 years. It doesn’t mean one is better than the other, it just means he had more time to get his wins. I wish Doug the best of luck, though.”

With Kristin Benson still feeling sore, and possibly missing another start, and down Chan Ho Park, Beth and Dawn chose to call up Jeremy Sowers from the Sass A Snide Kids in Sao Paulo, Brazil to replace Doug. Jeremy has introduced Sass third baseman Edwin Encarnacion and Sass reliever Ambiorix Burgos to model airplanes. The three lads are planning on combining the airplanes with the Legos they already enjoy.

Although Sass reliever Matt Guerrier is eligible to come off the DL any day now, the trainers in Nice and Minneapolis have declared that they do not want him pitching for another couple of days. His last rehab start ended with a Win for the Nice Guys, but the number of pitches thrown places him as unable to pitch for a short period.

Coming up: Beth and Dawn quite certain that they will not send a pitcher to the mound tonight. However, last night she also did not send a pitcher to the mound, but in her absence, Aaron Cook toed the rubber, pulling off a quality start. With that, they really couldn’t tell fans exactly what the future holds.