Week Twenty: Summary of Series

Sass lose to cheating commissioner again
But at least they’re not slaughtered this time
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

BALTIMORE -- The Here for the Sass management was frightened going into the series against SBGF’s Assassins. The last time the Sass played the Assassins, it resulted in a total slaughter in a score that shock therapy has removed from the memories of both Beth and Dawn.

“Don’t remind me of it. It’s almost starting to come back! Happy place! Happy place!” Beth said, when the previous series was mentioned. She was then unavailable to the press for the remainder of the evening.

Allegations of cheating by SBGF have not been confirmed, as he unsurprisingly refuses to allow an investigation.

Justin Duchschererererer confirmed that he and Beth were keeping track of former Sass pitcher R. Johnson versus now Assassins pitcher Esteban Loaiza. The Sass tried to make a trade for Loaiza when he played with Team neut, and were told the trade was completely unfair. Again, the Sass are fairly certain no investigation will take place, but Beth wants to know for her own purposes.

“I would never cheat to win. I would never insist on having my way. I am the height of morality, so much so that I’ve been entrusted with making sure that no one ever hurts anyone’s feelings, and that I get my way--I mean, and that nothing unfair happens to me--err, to anyone,” SBGF responded to questions of the refusal of investigation.

The final score of the Sass-Assassins series was 5-7, which was infinitely better than the 1-11 final score last time the Sass played the Assassins. The individual category scores were: runs (38-40), home runs (11-9), RBIs (37-24), stolen bases (2-4), walks (14-27), batting average (.289-.262), wins (4-5), saves (1-3), strike-outs (36-56), holds (2-1), ERA (4.50-3.48), and WHIP (1.19-1.33).

The individual leaders in hitting were: runs, Rocco Baldelli (7) with an honorable mention to Edwin Encarnacion (6); home runs, e.e. (3), with honorable mentions to Adam Dunn and Jermaine Dye (2); RBIs, e.e. (8) with an honorable mention to Michael Cuddyer (7); stolen bases, Rocco (2); walks, Carlos Guillen (3); and batting average, Michael (.375). On the bench, Mark Grudzielanek added a home run, with 2 runs and 4 RBIs, with a .412 batting average.

“I probably could’ve hit a little better,” Jermaine said, “But [catcher] A.J. [Pierzynski] and I had to face Beth’s pitching boyfriend, Bradke, at one point this week, and we were working on charitable causes. Every time you strike out in the Dome, they donate something like $100 to fight ALS, and every time you strike-out against Bradke he donates $50 to the Brad and Heather Radke Foundation, which donates to the HCMC neonatal unit. How can you not strike out with causes like that?”

The pitchers behaved like their usual selves. The leaders among the starters were :wins, Kristin Benson and Aaron Harang (1); strike-outs, Aaron H. (13, two starts) and Kristin (5, one start); ERA, Tomo Ohka (1.29) with an honorable mention to Kristin (2.57); WHIP, Tomo (0.71) with an honorable mention to Kristin (0.86). Among the relievers, the leaders were: wins, Ambiorix Burgos (1); saves, Justin (1); strike-outs, Ambiorix (4); holds, Ambiorix and Jon Rauch (1); ERA, Rheal Cormier and Matt Guerrier (0.00); and WHIP, Ambiorix (0.60) with honorable mentions to Matt (0.67) and Jon (0.86).

“I really put my full effort into my pitching. I knew in order to keep Beth and Dawn happy, I have to pitch poorly next week, because I have to face the Twins, and pitching well against the Twins? Well, that’s grounds for me cleaning the toilets or something. I hate that. My hands get all dirty and the chemicals are so harsh, and then I have to schedule extra time getting my manicure,” Kristin said.

The Sass are in 14th Place in the BFL, despite being tied in wins with the 12th place team, and having more wins than the 13th place team.

“I think there’s something about being a commissioner that makes people desire ties,” Dawn said, “Because first it was Bud Selig in the All-Star game a bunch of years ago, and now SBGF placing other teams ahead of us in ranking because we don’t have as many “ties”. Like that matters.”

This week, the Sass are facing Baja Manitoba, run by frightwig. Baja Manitoba is in 7th place. Last time the two teams competed, the final score was a close 5-7, with Baja Manitoba walking away with the win.

“I hope we do better this time,” said outfielder Juan Encarnacion. “Last time, our hitting was just starting to get into a grove. Actually, our entire line-up is so vastly different, that in some ways it’s like we’re a whole new team…but we’re having just as much fun as we were then.”