Week Seventeen: Summary of Series

Sass...tie?
Tough series comes out with a tie
By Beth Sass/ hereforthesass.blogspot.com

On Monday, the Here for the Sass team was feeling a little down-hearted to be losing again. After facing some of the top teams in the division to start the season, the Sass realized that they only had one series left before going back to fighting with the top teams. Unfortunately, the last team had to be the fourth place HoyaDestroya. Early in the week, it seemed a clear-cut case that the Sass would lose…again. Dawn was looking forward to checking out the BFL Wine Cellar again.

The final result was a 6-6 tie, with the scores broken down as follows: runs (38-33), home runs (9-11), RBI (44-37), stolen bases (8-1), walks (18-20), batting average (.333-.294), wins (3-4), saves (2-4), strike-outs (39-69), holds (5-1), ERA (4.13-4.90), WHIP (1.47-1.42).

“Hitting clearly was our strong point this week again,” Dawn said, “But early in the week our relievers kinda sucked. No, they completely sucked. They were subpar. But the hitters were clearly picking each other up--a guy with a low batting average stole bases, hit home runs, scored runs when he was on base. They all made every at-bat count in some way.”

The individual leaders in hitting were: runs, Adam Dunn (8); home runs, Jermaine Dye (3), RBIs, Jermaine Dye (8); stolen bases, Little Nicky Punto and Adam (2); walks, Adam (6); and batting average, A.J. Pierzynski (.591)--although Adam’s .550 deserved mentioning. Mark Grudzielanek played well from the bench, hitting .600 with a run and an RBI.

“It was a great week for Jermaine and I,” Adam said, “He’s catching up with me in home runs, but I swear I will keep the lead.”

Jermaine just laughed gleefully, pointing out that he still had the batting average advantage, which made Adam point out the runs, RBIs, walks, and stolen bases that he leads in. Beth then sent the two off to count the number of stitches in the batting practices balls that had just been received.

The starting pitching actually performed very well, pulling off a couple of quality starts, including an eight-inning shut-out by Aaron Harang earlier in the week. Aaron was the only starter to make two starts. Kristin Benson and Chan Ho Park both found them injured before they could make a second start.

The individual leaders for the starters were: wins, Aaron H. and Chan Ho (1); strike-outs, Aaron H. (15; two starts) and Tomo Ohka (5, one start); ERA, Aaron H. (2.79); and WHIP, Aaron H. (1.29). Unsurprisingly, not a single starter had a Hold or Save. Among the relievers, the leaders were: wins, Darren Oliver (1); saves, Ambiorix Burgos (2); strike-outs, Jon Rauch and Brad Halsey (3); holds, Justin Duchschererererer (2); ERA, Ambiorix and Darren (0.00); and WHIP, Jon (0.90).

There were plenty of upsets this week in the BFL, with low-ranking teams taking over high-ranking teams, so the Sass didn’t make front-page headlines with their tie, but they were quite pleased with the results.

“I was quite shocked as our boys started hitting and pitching…and didn’t stop. We were actually beating the HoyaDestroya briefly,” Beth said, “So to hold on and keep it a tie in the face of stiff competition was fantastic.”

However, despite tying, the Sass fell to 13th place, out of playoff contention. This week thy are facing the DrewHIO Dreadnaughts who defeated the Sass 8-4 to start the year.

“We’ll need to keep fighting our way along,” Beth said, “This is a remarkably different team than the one that faced the Dreadnaughts earlier this year. I have no idea what changes he’s made to his roster, since it’s entirely irrelevant to me.”

Notes: Trade deadline approaches

Sass planning no moves
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- As the MLB trade deadline approaches the Here for the Sass has no intentions of making any moves. Despite that, the Phillies, to whom the Sass had to take orders from regarding the use of Sassian Rheal Cormier informed Beth and Dawn via a memo informing them that they had traded the rights to the use of Rheal to the Reds.

“It works out better. We have a long-standing, close relationship with the Reds,” Beth said, “Right now we have three guys on our staff that we can only use as advised by the Reds. Well, four, if you count Grant Balfour.”

Kyle Lohse, former Sass reliever who is currently pitching with the Vancouver Sarcastics has also had his ownership rights transferred to the Reds, but Beth and Dawn were not foreseeing any issues with the situation.

Beth was just heard mumbling unintelligible phrases, as apparently she has a lot at stake in the MLB market.

There’s someone healthy here, right? The Here for the Sass were originally supposed to start a trifecta of starting pitchers on Sunday, but as the week wore on, it slowly dwindled down to Aaron Harang standing alone on the mound.

Kristin Benson finally publicly admitted that he had been having elbow problems for a number of months, but tendonitis had finally settled in and he missed his start on Sunday. The Sass trainers have no recommendations presently, but if all goes well early this week, he will be able to make his next scheduled start.

The news was not so good for Chan Ho Park, however. He had been feeling unwell, suffering from an unknown lower digestive tract. Doctors have discovered that Chan Ho is suffering from anemia, and was sent to Nice to for recovery. He and Sass Reliever/Nice Coordinator Grant are working to prepare for the future entry of Dawn to the Nice Rehabilitation Facility.

Punishment: Sass second baseman Placido Polanco played with his owning team, the Detroit Tigers, in between his games with the Sass. Unfortunately for Placido, he failed to realize that playing for his owning team when they were playing against the Minnesota Twins was not smart to do.

“It’s a total lose-lose situation,” Placido admitted, “I mean, I hit well, Boom! Beth and Dawn are both on my case for screwing up the Twins. I hit poorly, Beth and Dawn are on my case for screwing up the Sass.”

Placido returned to the Sass Sunday night only to find out how exactly unhappy Beth and Dawn were. “I walked into the clubhouse, ready to play, and they didn’t say a word to me. I was surprised I was still in the line-up, so I figured I must’ve slipped into that magic zone of not playing too well or too poorly. During the whole game, they didn’t say a word to me. However, after the game that Rach walked up to me and informed me that I was to scrub the Sass Shower Room out when all the guys were done. I realized they were more upset with me than I thought.”

Carlos Guillen, who also joined the Tigers, but did not hit overly well and attempted to ground into a double-play when requested, was let go with a milder punishment.

Tonight: Tonight, Beth nor Dawn really don’t know who exactly is playing, who exactly is pitching, and what exactly they’re going to do. The heat in Minnesota will find Dawn voluntarily going to class, and Beth will go watch the Minnesota Twins, because they play indoors. She did overhear some of the bench players mentioning they were planning on hanging out with the penguins during the game to keep cool.

The writer of the Sass notes, in conjunction with the writer of the weekly summary, would like to apologize for the delay in the Notes and Summary. She was up late supervising Sass second baseman Placido Polanco as he scrubbed the showers in the Sass locker room.

The Here for the Sass Front Office are hoping that Mr. Polanco has indeed learned his lesson and will behave better next time Mr. Polanco faces the Twins, in particular Beth's pitching boyfriend.

Notes: Thursday hitting?

Limited players manage to surge
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team announced that, despite having only four players on the field (first baseman Adam Dunn, second baseman Mark Grudzielanek, outfielder Juan Encarnacion, and relief pitcher Justin Duchschererererer), they managed a .692 batting average, with two home runs, five runs, eight RBIs, and two walks. They also managed a 0.00 ERA and WHIP.

“I’m not going to ask how they managed to get eight RBIs and only five runs,” Beth said. “That’s impossible. You can get more runs than RBIs, but each RBI should mean a run. On the other hand, these Sassians manage to often do things that don’t make sense, so I’m not going to question them, either. Right now I'm just going to revel in the fact that it was a Thursday, and the Sassians actually hit!”

In the past, Sassians who played Thursday frequently had bad days, which was cause for some concern. Lately, however, the Sassians have picked up their quality of play. With the hitting and pitching picking up, the Sass managed to tie up the series with the HoyaDestroya at 6-6.

“It’s very close going into this weekend--there are no dominant leads,” Beth said, “But if the guys can keep playing like that, we have a chance even against the HoyaDestroyas. A win by one run is still a win. But a loss by one walk is still a loss, too.”

Fixed! On Thursday morning, Sass clubhouse manager Rach was experiencing computer difficulties, particularly with blogger. A quick complaint had Sass IT personnel Emil Brown on the problem, and it was fixed in moments.

“Wow. It’s so nice now that we have someone hired on full-time,” Rach said, “Before, we were stuck with whatever problem until someone could come around to help us. This immediate attention to problems is the way things should be.”

Injuries abound: The Sass team has been battling injuries all year, although things have picked up recently.

Sass pitcher Kristin Benson is experiencing tendonitis in his right elbow, which will keep him from making his next start.

“Man, that sucks,” said reliever Justin Duchscherererer, who spent a couple of weeks in Nice earlier this year with the same problem. “It’s frustrating. You can’t pitch, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

As of yet, no trip to Nice has been scheduled for Kristin. The Sass are hoping to keep it that way, although Dawn reported it would be nice to have someone else in Nice with her when she reports there in mid-August.

“Last time I was in Nice, it was hopping--I think all five rooms were filled, and there was a ton of laughter and I was treated like a princess. I don’t want to end up there without any Sassians. I don’t want any of them injured, either, though,” Dawn said.

She is currently planning on taking Little Nicky Punto with her, and it’s rumored that Mockball Madness’s manager Nick will either join Dawn, or will take advantage of Sass Air’s daily flights to and from Nice. Trainers are predicting that Matt Guerrier will be back with the Sass some time within the next week, but it was pointed out that Grant would likely still be there.

“Of course Grant will be there,” Dawn said, “He lives there. I was talking about an actual Sassian.”

Trainers took that moment to remind Beth and Dawn that Grant could potentially rejoin the Sass.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Beth muttered.

Coming up: Tonight the Sass will send Tomo Ohka to the mound to face the HoyaDestroya to start the weekend of play. Saturday the Sass will have no starting pitchers on the mound, with the distinct possibility of sending out a some relief pitchers. Sunday will find them with Aaron Harang and Chan Ho Park. Kristin was supposed to join them, but will instead rest his arm that day.

Notes: New exhibit at Sass Stadium

The Kids project deemed a success
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team revealed that there would be another new exhibit available for fans to visit before games. The Kids--pitchers Ambiorix Burgos and Brad Halsey, infielder Edwin Encarnacion, and outfielder Rocco Baldelli--have spent their time on the road trip working very diligently on this secretive project. When they returned home on Wednesday, the final results were shown to the team and front office. The four guys spent the road trip building a Lego replica of Sass Stadium.

“It’s pretty amazing, really,” said second baseman Mark Grudzielanek, “They got all the details down to the last pot of flowers in the Sass dugout.”

The guys said that they begin planning the project during the All-Star break, and had been collecting the pieces needed furiously before leaving on the 6-day road trip. They had Sass reliever and amateur photographer Rheal Cormier taking pictures of all the details of the stadium, although they did not tell him what they needed the photographs for.

“Impressive,” was the response from reliever Justin Duchscherererer, “I actually kinda want to take it apart, because I cant’ decide whether it’s a solid structure, or if under the stands I’ll find the clubhouses and offices.”

The Here for the Sass team hope to have instructions available later this year for anyone else who would like to build their own replica of the stadium. However, it is a large project and requires vast quantities of Legos, making it a project for those who are willing to put the time and effort into building something of such grandiose scale.

Apology: The assigned writer for the Here for the Sass team would like to extend her apologies for the brevity of the Sass notes lately. She finds herself exceptionally busy in her real life job, and her boss fails to understand the importance of the BFL. She also notes that creativity levels have been lower recently, but hopes to find an answer to that soon.

Losing: When the Minnesota Twins swept the Chicago White Sox this week, some Sassians took especial interest in the competition. Jermaine Dye and A.J. Pierzynski played for the Chicago team, while Michael Cuddyer and Little Nicky Punto joined the Sass from the Twins. Before the series started, bets were exchanged. With the Twins sweeping the White Sox. Jermaine will be re-organizing Michael music and movie collections into alphabetical order. A.J. will be cleaning Little Nicky’s SCUBA equipment.

Coming up: Thursday is again a MLB-sanctioned Limited Action day, so the Sass have no choice but to throw the pitching machine out on the mound again tonight, under the care of a couple of relief pitchers, who will be available if things get too rough on the mound for the machine.

Notes: Sass Fishing Extravaganza

Off-Day Free Time Event
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

CHICAGO -- The Here for the Sass team will return to Minneapolis after their game Wednesday, and face another limited-play day on Thursday. With over half of the offense available, and a number of pitchers, there was a lot of free time to kill. To fill the time, the Here for the Sass will be having a fishing extravaganza. Unlike other tournaments held by the Sass and other teams in both the BFL and MLB, this is not a charity event, but more of a chance for people to get together with Sassians and fish.

“Some of the guys will be fishing from the shore, some of them from docks, and some of them will be on different boats. It’s a chance for the players and the fans to connect in a non-baseball setting,” Rach said.

Bait will be provided by the Sass, but fans will need to provide their own equipment.

“I’ve never been a person who’s been huge on fishing,” said pitcher Aaron Cook, “But it’ll be fun to hang out with the guys and the fans. It’ll also be interesting to see if Beth or Dawn even comes close to touching a fish. I really doubt it, but with those two, anything is possible.”

The event will start at 8:00 a.m., and will end at 3:00 p.m. Lunch will be a pot-luck, so anyone planning on attending should also bring with food to share. Sassians will also be bringing food.

“I’m sure the biggest hit will be Rocco [Baldelli]’s contribution. But unless he brings store-bought potato chips, I’d stay away from Aaron C.’s. He can’t cook,” confided pitcher Aaron Harang.

Bullpen Woes: After their stellar performance last week, the bullpen has given up more runs than the starting pitchers so far this week.

“It’s really a baffling situation,” Dawn said, “We had come to depend on our bullpen as the strength of our team, and were very concerned about the state of our starters. And suddenly it’s all upside down.”

In an odd twist, the Sass were again able to use reliever Ambiorix Burgos as their reliever. Earlier in the month, Kansas City had imposed a restriction on Ambiorix’s closing duties, leaving the Sass to try to piece together the ends of games. Ambiorix has responded favorably, picking up a save in his first opportunity. Ambiorix’s pitching has always been a bit suspect. As a young pitcher, he is susceptible to poor outings, but the Sass have no plans to move him out of his closing role.

“Honestly, I don’t think we could do any better on the market without giving up too much talent,” Beth said. “Our minor league system is too valuable. Our market doesn’t allow us to grab the most expensive players, so we really need to build from within.”

Coming up: Tonight, pitcher Aaron C. will try to build on the successes of his fellow Sassian starters, particularly the complete game shut-out by Aaron H.

Notes: Contract arguments

New players and contracts suddenly brought to light
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team has changed their contracts since the beginning of the year, and some of the original team members are feeling left out. The original contracts were on white paper, with Times New Roman font, and the Sass Logo in the upper right-hand corner of ever page. However, when some of the original players saw new reliever Darren Oliver’s contract, immediately jealousy ensured.

“That was so unfair. The paper was the Sass pink, with the Sass purple writing, and the font was one of the fancy Sass fonts--I’m not sure which one, though,” said pitcher Kristin Benson.

Other Sassians found other reasons to feel jealous. “I think what really makes me jealous is that Beth and Dawn signed with glittery pens. When we signed my contract, they just used nice black pens. Glitter is so much more fun,” said outfielder Juan Encarnacion.

Beth and Dawn reported that the Sass paper was not ready before June 1st, and offered to re-do the contracts of any player who wished to have their contract in official Sass colors. A few have declined the offer, but many are requesting new contracts. None of the information in the contracts will change, but the contract itself will be prettier.

Giddy Management: Managers Beth and Dawn were both giddy after Monday's game. Both ladies missed the game, leaving the team under the responsibility of the rest of the front office.

“We had a pitching machine pitching, and we only had about seven players available under the BFL contract with MLB. It’s not like we were needed. I mean, we needed someone to be there, obviously, in case of emergency, and someone had to keep the guys in line, but we didn’t need to be there,” Dawn said.

Beth got out of her meeting to hear that Michael Cuddyer hit a home run, which prompted a quick phone call asking why no one had interrupted her meeting to tell her. Dawn returned from her Monday night class to hear that Little Nicky Punto stole a base, prompting her to question why no one had texted her in class to inform her of this.

Torturing the Kids: Earlier this year, some of the Sassians took to calling to calling a few of the younger Sassians “Kids.” Although none of the front office was involved in this, they were informed by the Sassians that anyone on the team born before 1980 was to get the official designation of “Kid.” The front office is allowing the players to tease one another, but is not partaking in this friendly teasing. Front office members who were born before 1980 are exempt from this ruling, as they should all be properly addressed as the true businesswomen that they are.

“I’m waiting for the day that someone treats me with respect,” Beth said, pulling yet another rubber mouse out of her desk drawer.

The Kids (pitchers Ambiorix Burgos and Brad Halsey, infielder Edwin Encarnacion, and outfielder Rocco Baldelli) have taken the teasing good-naturedly. “It’s cool,” e.e. said, “They buy us Legos and sometimes they even give us their toys from their Happy Meals. I like being one of the Kids!”

However, Rocco got the short end of the straw when outfielder Adam Dunn walked up to him Monday evening after the game with a children’s book tucked under his arm. He grabbed Rocco by the hand, and sat him down and began to read “There's a Wocket in My Pocket!” by Dr. Suess.

“Y’know, it was funny enough as it was, but then I found out the Old Men [as the Kids refer to those born before 1980] had gotten together and re-written the story to include the fact that I was born in Woonsocket, Rhode Island. You think they’d be a little more creative than that!” Rocco said.

Apparently story hour was a group effort that the Old Men had been working on for over a week. The other three Kids are a bit wary of when their turn for Story Hour will come.

"They're boys being boys," Dawn said, "They will always be finding new and creative ways to harass and annoy each other. As long as they don't go over the imaginary line, we're not going to get involved."

Tonight: Tonight’s game will feature not one, not two, but three starting pitching. Beth and Dawn are hoping between the three of them, one of them will do something “pretty”. Aaron Harang, Kristin Benson, and Chan Ho Park will all toe the rubber in this unusual game.

Week Sixteen: Summary of Series

Sass lose by less than they thought
Weekend come-back helps team
By Beth Sass / cheapseatschick.com

CHICAGO -- The Here for the Sass team blinked when the final results of their week-long competition with the Jello Fighters came in early Monday morning.

“We only lost by two?” catcher A.J. Pierzynski was heard saying, rhetorically.

Dawn confirmed it. “We were losing earlier this week by 3-9, and I think it dropped down to 2-10 at one point, but the Sassians rallied and came back to fight. It was surprising.”

Indeed, the final score for Week 16 was 5-7. The final results were: runs (30-34), home runs (2-7), RBI (29-26), stolen bases (3-6), walks (23-14), batting average (.290-.282), wins (2-4), saves (0-4), strike-outs (35-43), holds (5-1), ERA (5.21-5.37), and WHIP (1.57-1.55).

“I can’t believe we won in ERA,” Beth said, “Looking at what our starting pitching did this week, it was very impressive that the relievers could hang on and keep things under control.”

The leaders on the offense were, runs, Little Nicky Punto (6); home runs, Juan Encarnacion (2); RBIs, Michael Cuddyer (8); stolen bases, Little Nicky (2); walks, Carlos Guillen (5); and average, JEn (.500).

“The entire Sass team didn’t have a single home run going into Sunday’s game,” JEn said, “So I figured I could at least prove to the world that we can hit home runs. C’mon, we’ve got guys with 30, 25, and a bunch of us who had 12 and none of us could get one? That was sad.” JEn hit both home runs Sunday afternoon, in the Sass surge to pick up points.

Beth and Dawn were quite pleased to note that their boyfriends, Little Nicky and Michael, were responsible for over one-third of the Sass runs and RBIs.

On the pitching side, the relief corps had a very excellent week. The only allowed one run, and that was a home run given up by Rheal Cormier for the only batter he faced all week, giving him an infinite ERA and WHIP. Amongst the others, they all had three strike-outs, and 0.00 ERAs. Justin Duchscherererer and Ambiorix Burgos had the lowest WHIP of 0.86, while Justin and Brad Halsey both had two holds. Jon Rauch had the only Sass win amongst the relievers.

As for the starting pitching, only Tomo Ohka’s numbers were worth noting. In two outings, he managed a 2.08 ERA, with a 0.85 WHIP, 10 strike-outs, and the lone win among the starters. The other starters weren’t even close to him in any of the categories.

“Well, Chan Ho [Park]’s WHIP of 1.17 wasn’t bad, and his 6 strike-outs were nice, but an ERA of 7.50. I wouldn’t be writing home about it,” Beth said.

The Here for the Sass found themselves retaining their 12th place position, with a .461 win percentage, just ahead of Gassner’s All-Stars, who have a .453 win percentage. Technically, the Sass have 6 more wins and 3 more losses than the All-Stars, but have a league-low 9 ties.

“Honestly, we hate ties,” Beth said, “I’m not sure why the BFL allows ties, what with all the uproar over the tie of the All-Star game in MLB a couple of years ago. I guess SBGF is one of the few people who actually liked that.”

This week the Sass play the 4th place Hoya Destroyas. This will be the last team in the BFL that the Sass have not played.

“We’re hoping for a strong comeback by our starting rotation,” Dawn said, “There were some unfortunate rain delays that affected some of our starters, and it was a bad week in general for them. They’ve been working with Bronson [Aaroyo] so we hope by next week they’ll be ready.”

Notes: Returning to form

Entertaining the clubhouse
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

CHICAGO -- Here for the Sass pitcher Tomo Ohka had the entire dugout in stitches on Sunday. After he finished his masterful pitching performance, he sat to watch the bottom of the ninth. As usual, however, Tomo did not just sit back. He began doing a dramatization of every single play, Shakespearean style. Outfielder did not “range back to catch a fly ball” but rather “Hark! What yonder ball in my sight doth appear? A ball, it comes towards me, but it is there. I must to wall find my feet to tread! There--the ball! I shall catch it in my glove.”

“I missed Tomo,” said first baseman Adam Dunn, who was sitting on the bench to give Doug Mientkiewicz time on the field as a defensive replacement, “Nothing is ever an ordinary play. Usually, first baseman don’t go to meetings on the mound, but when it’s Tomo pitching, I never miss a moment. Even with the bases loaded and no outs, the man can have us laughing. He refuses to take anything too seriously. It’s great to have him back, especially during this last stretch of play.”

Ouch! Earlier in the year, the Here for the Sass team almost picked up Esteban Loaiza in a trade that was vetoed by BFL commissioner SBGF. Esteban has never been quite pleased with the fact that he was not considered of equal value as R. Johnson, and has spent much of the year sulking, and actually ended up injuring himself landing him on the DL. Facing Sass second baseman Placido Polanco in a game Sunday, Esteban admitted he cracked a little bit, and left a pitch up in the zone--in fact, so far up, that it hit Placido in the face. He was rushed to the hospital for x-rays which revealed no broken bones, and CAT scans have turned out negative. It’s believed that Placido should be able to play again soon, but further tests were to be done to ensure a stint on the DL would not be necessary.

Good-byes and hellos: Sass pitcher Carlos Silva has been missing fellow Minnesota Twin and Sassian Kyle Lohse for a while now. After the weekly results were in on Sunday, Carlos S. met with Beth and Dawn, and it was decided that he could join Kyle in Vancouver, pitching with the Sass AAA team.

“If, in the future, both men feel able to contribute positively to the team, it’s entirely possible they could be called back up,” Beth said, “But both have admitted that the pressure of playing in the BFL, which is under the direction of Commissioner SBGF, is a lot of pressure they’d rather not have.”

In his place, the Sass called up reliever Darren Oliver from the AA Nice Guys in Nice, France.

“Darren Oliver had proved his worth. Notification from Kyle and the management of the Sarcastics was that no relief pitcher was quite ready to come up to the big leagues, yet,” Dawn said, “So we moved down a level. In my time in Nice, I saw Darren play often and he was quite clearly in command of his game. I think he’ll do a fine job.”

Most Sassians are welcomed with wide-open arms and cheerful shouts. When new Darren joined the team, Sass pitcher Tomo Ohka brought forward a bowl of gruel. Without missing a beat, Darren looked into the bowl and looked back at Tomo and said, “Please, sir, can I have some more?”

The entire Sass team broke into applause. “When I heard that, I knew he was a perfect fit,” said first baseman Adam Dunn. “Not everyone can get references to Oliver Twist in a split second, and respond appropriately.”

Fan promotion: The Here for the Sass team, as a thank-you to their loyal fans that follow them on away trips, would like to announce a special promotion this week. Any fan who punches a White Sox fan this week in Chicago will receive free tickets to an upcoming Sass game, provided the White Sox fan is not injured. The Sass are not condoning violence, per se, but instead want this as reminder to White Sox fans that punching is not a good thing. This Sass promotion is entirely based upon the White Sox “Punch A.J.” campaign for the 2006 All-Star game final ballot vote.

Tonight: Tonight, the Sass will send three relievers to the mound: Justin Duchscherererer, Rheal Cormier, and Brad Halsey. The three are charged with the duties of acting well enough so the Hoya Destroya team does not realize that the Sass are actually putting a pitching machine on the mound for the evening. Utility player Michael Cuddyer is expected to spend some time at first base, giving both Adam Dunn and Doug Mientkiewicz a rest, per MLB rules.

Notes: Stadium changes during road trip

Improvements for fan enjoyment
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

CLEVELAND -- The Here for the Sass team announced before the team left town on Thursday night that there would be changes made to Sass Stadium in the form of a new concession stand.

“We’re happy to announce that upon the return to Sass Stadium late next week, Mrs. Guillen’s Cookies concession stand should be open. Mrs. Guillen herself will not be actually baking every cookie sold, but she will be directly supervising the hired bakers for at least the first week, or until she’s confident in the ability to make cookies up to her high standards,” Dawn said.

Mrs. Guillen is the wife of Sass shortstop Carlos Guillen. Her cookies became famous when Carlos brought some into the clubhouse early in the season to share. Since that time, she has sent cookies regularly to the Sass clubhouse, and even the Sass Rehab Facility in Nice has been the recipient of her cookies.

Presently, there are no plans to add her famous cheesecake to the menu.

“Cookies are enough, I think,” Beth said, “It’s hard to bake or eat cheesecake at the stadium, so I’m not sure if the quality of the cheesecake could be achieved for a price that’s reasonable for fans to pay.”

Sass Stadium said even with this new concession stand, they remain committed to ensuring the cost of edible items at Sass Stadiums remained the lowest in the league, without sacrificing quality.

Minor News: First round pick for the Sass in this year's draft, Jimmy Grudzielanek-Mientkiewicz-Pierzynski is apparently working hard, although he has not yet been assigned to a Sass minor league team. Beth and Dawn said that he must be walking on his own, and potty-trained, before they consider sending him to a rookie team. His fathers (Sass second baseman Mark Grudzielanek, Sass first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz, and Sass catcher A.J. Pierzynski) have signed the contract on behalf of the six-month-old child. They feel that in fifteen years, he will be ready to play rookie ball, and assume at least one of them will be retired from professional baseball by then and be able to accompany him.

Former Sass pitcher Kyle Lohse, who is now pitching with the Sarcastics (AAA) in Vancouver, has been pitching well, earning rave reviews from the coaching staff there. Kyle still comes up every week to Sass Stadium to mow grass, but has not been recalled. When asked about a possible re-calling of Kyle, Beth looked on in abject terror, "Not a chance. I am not calling him up. If Dawn wants him--and I’m sure she doesn’t--she's welcome to call him up, but that's a risk I'm not willing to take."

Apology Letter:Chan Ho Park, after going 6 innings and giving up 5 runs, becomes the latest starting pitcher to write apology letters to the fans.

“I’m not sure how much longer the fans are going to tolerate this, actually,” Beth said. “Sass fans are great, but I’m not sure how long they’re accept letters of apology when they don’t behave like they’re sorry for their behavior.”

The starting pitchers looked a little sheepish when Beth posted the weekly stats on the wall. Beth has vowed that she will not bring up the issue in the team meetings any longer.

Coming up: Beth is sending Carlos Silva and Aaron Cook out to the mound.

"If they don't pitch well, I'm not sure I'll ever let any of them pitch in tandem again," Beth said..

Tomo Ohka will pitch on Sunday, which will complete the Sass pitching for the week. Saturday will likely see Sass minor league pitchers, who will be visiting the team, filling in.

Possible cheating in BFL

Suspicious activity in the front offices
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass front office reported that they were questioned by investigators Wednesday night after the game.

"They were very vague about what information they were looking for, but in talking, Beth and I have been able to piece some things together," Dawn said.

The questioning led to the quality of play by Sassians in the week they faced BFL Commissioner SBGF's team, the Assassins, and how it's comparing to the play of the Sassians this current week as they face Jello Fighters, run by Babs and Twink.

"It never occurred to us until we started getting questioning that the colossal collapses that week and so far this week might be related," Beth said, "But by our 11-1 loss--our greatest to date--that week, and our so far 'craptacular', as "Nick" would said, performance this week, it just seems a little too much to be a coincidence."

The investigators hinted at the fact that Babs previously dated SBGF and Twink currently dating SBGF might have led to some similar not-quite-fair-play.

Speaking under an anonymous cover, one investigator admitted that there was well-documented animosity towards Beth and Dawn by SBGF, and by extension Babs. Presently there is no information regarding Twink, but the investigators are keeping close tabs on the situation.

"We don't know if they're cheating," Beth said, "But it just seems a little too similar. At the time, we had That Pitcher [R. Johnson] on our team, so it wouldn't have surprised us to find out that he was the culprit in our downfall. However, he's long gone, and we fully trust our current group of players."

Both ladies were unsure if the investigation was because of illegal drugs being secretly given to the Sassians that made their style of play much worse than normal, or if there was paying off of officials to make sure calls did not go the Sassians' way.

Apology Letters: Going a combined 8 innings and giving up 9 earned runs was not the way Beth and Dawn anticipated the starts of pitchers Kristin Benson and Aaron Harang.

Both men were shocked when they received official Sass stationery, pens, and the address list to write apology letters to fans for their performances.

"Whoa. I did not take them seriously when they said we'd have to do this," Aaron H. said in shock. "I think what made it really hit home was when the entire front office was critiquing our writing--from content to grammar to neatness. I had to rewrite a lot of my letters until I got the hang of it. This is truly evil. It makes me realize that I never want to disappoint them again. There's no saying what other evil punishment lurks in their minds."

Beth had no comment, but was heard mumbling unintelligibly and glaring in the general direction of Kristin and Aaron.

Not really hurt: Little Nicky Punto again showed the Sass front office that his knee injury wasn't worth thinking about, going 2-3 in Wednesday's game.

"It hurts, sure, but it's not like I can't play," Little Nicky said.

Ron Gardenhire, of the Minnesota Twins had often dealt with Little Nicky's injuries, and had informed the Sass staff that stopping him was not an option. Nicky's style of all-out play is what attracted the Sass Front Office to him, and why they were quite eager to get him in a trade. They deny it had anything to do with his being Dawn's boyfriend, although other members of the Sass recall him spending a lot of time on the bench when he first joined the team.

"I'm not going to question them, though," said outfielder Juan Encarnacion, "Otherwise, I'd never be allowed to pick what sort of apples we have in the clubhouse again, I'm dying for some Granny Smiths."

Recovering: Relief pitcher Matt Guerrier will be heading to the Nice Guys on Friday to start his rehab assignment. In a simulated game, he threw well. He reported the most amusing part was seeing fellow DLer, Grant Balfour, sitting in the stands, eating popcorn and a hot dog.

"He sang the Sass Theme song, did the Wave all by himself, booed the mock-umpires. I've never seen anything funnier in my life," Matt said.

Matt also reported that he has required Grant to play Chutes and Ladders all by himself as soon as he left the DL.

"It just isn't the DL without Chutes and Ladders," Matt said, "There was no way I was going to let him stop that when he's all by himself."

Outfielder Rocco Baldelli sighed when he heard the report, "Man, I miss those days with Grant, playing Chutes and Ladders, taunting the french, laying on the beach in Nice. Those were good times. I hope he gets better soon." Rocco and Grant spent the first two months of the year on the DL, and got to know one another quite well.

Tonight: Against her better judgment, Beth is sending Chan Ho Park to the mound tonight. It's not that she has anything in particular against Chan Ho, but she's rather perturbed at all pitchers at the moment.

Notes: Letters of apology

Pitchers coming together; management falls
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team has taken to punishing poor pitching by sending pitchers on writing campaigns following bad showings. After each poor performance, the pitchers are required to write letters of apology to the fans. As the team is currently winning the ERA battle, the new form of rewards and punishments seems to work. However, on Tuesday, Beth needed to borrow the address list from the pitchers.

“I assumed Little Nicky [Punto] was going to need to sit out a game after his injury on Monday, so I took him out of the line-up. The medical staff then told me he was okay, so he meandered across town and played a game for the Minnesota Twins, where he played very well. We really needed him on our team last night, particularly after some people didn’t do well at all,” Beth said. “Dawn picked a much better boyfriend than I did.”

Rach and Dawn worked together to make homemade chicken noodle soup, which Little Nicky reported helped immensely in his recovery.

Memo heeded: Mockball Madness manager "Nick", a good friend of the Here for the Sass team, sent a note to the Sassians mentioning, "You'll have to be on your toes against the Jello Fighters. They're capable of turning a big deficit into a big win in a hurry."

The Sassians heeded that memo.

"They decided that rather than getting a big lead and losing it, they were just going to start out far behind so they wouldn't have to worry about it," Beth said, annoyed.

Dawn was heard pondering, "Is it better to have a big lead, and lose it, or to never lead at all?"

How do you like them apples? “I was that close to getting the opportunity to chose the type of apples available after Wednesday’s game,” was the lament heard from outfielder Rocco Baldelli, who hit a single off of Wombats starter Francisco Liriano, allowing for the lone unearned run to mar Frisco’s perfect game. This displeased Beth and Dawn, who are huge fans of the Minnesota Twins, where Frisco is from.

Beth has instated the reward system that whichever Sassian does the best on any night, will pick the type of apples in the post-game celebration the next night. This gives Clubhouse Manager Rach enough time to procure the required apples. Instead of Rocco, the honors when to outfielder Jermaine Dye and Adam Dunn, who both went 2/4. Beth reported that by striking out against Frisco earlier in the game, Rocco had almost earned the honors of choosing apples for the clubhouse post-game the next day.

I want Will: Sassians were a bit confused early Tuesday when Dawn was heard wistfully saying, “I want Will.” Dawn already has a whole crew of males vying for her attention, so the Sassians were taken back by the statement.

“I mean, there’s no question in any of our minds that Nick [of Mockball Madness] wins any sort of competition. Dawn enjoys spending time with Nicky and A.J., too, although not nearly as much. And suddenly she’s wanting yet another guy? I don’t get it,” said second baseman Placido Polanco.

However, when Will showed up at Sass Stadium late Tuesday, Dawn cheerfully led him to the kitchen, where he began to wash the dishes. While Rocco loves to cook, and all Sassians enjoy eating his food, there is very little time for cleaning up. It became clear that Dawn wanted Will to wash dishes. Why Will in particular was chosen was unknown.

DL update: While relief pitcher Matt Guerrier is impatiently waiting his turn to play for the Nice Guys in Nice, it turns out fellow reliever Grant Balfour will also be waiting for his return. Grant has pitched two innings before being sidelined with a sore muscle. The trainers are working with him, and are requiring a bullpen session before he returns to action in his rehab assignment.

Coming up: In a day-night double-header, Kristin Benson will take the mound this afternoon and Aaron Harang will take the mound this evening. Both are hoping to improve their records and help the Sass pick up their pace.

Notes: Welcome Party

Nice loses another player
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass Team announced that starting pitching Tomo Ohka returned to the team late Monday. Tomo had been on the DL at the Nice Rehabilitation Center since early May with a Partial right rotator cuff tear. Recently, he completed a rehab stint with the Nice Nice Guys where he performed admirably.

The Here for the Sass has gone through a number of changes since Tomo left the team, with the constant necessary trips to the DL by other Sassians.

“There are familiar faces of old friends, and there are new faces that I’m sure will be new friends,” Tomo said as he enjoyed one of Mrs. Guillen’s cookies after finishing a home-cooked meal by Sass outfielder Rocco Baldelli. “I missed the guys--both the guys I left behind here, and the guys that I met on the DL that have returned here.”

The Sass needed to cut a player to not go over the stringent rules placed on them by the league commissioner. Reliever Julio Mateo expressed an interest in spending more time taking care of the penguins at Sass Stadium.

“As a child, I always wanted to run a zoo. I’m hoping maybe when I’m done with my baseball career, I can open one, and learning to take care of the penguins will go a long ways towards that goal,” Julio said.

DL updates: After pitching two innings with the Nice Guys, reliever Grant Balfour has reported that he’s starting to feel soreness again. Grant has had two surgeries in the last two years, stemming from feeling soreness when pitching. Grant reported that he felt fine while pitching, but the soreness showed up later. Trainers will be checking out the situation.

Matt Guerrier hopes to join the Nice guys on Friday to begin Rehab work.

"It's weird that it's only Grant and I here," Matt said, "There have been so many guys on the DL this year, that it's odd that it's just us. But, I suppose, that's good news that it is just down to Grant and I."

Grant nodded in agreement.

So far, so good: Sass utility player Little Nicky Punto reported jamming his knee during the game Monday night. Trainers in Minneapolis did not put him on the DL and feel right now he can sit on the bench as day-to-day. He will go for MRIs on Tuesday.

Dawn wanted to make chicken noodle soup for Little Nicky to help him recover, but admitted she did not know how, and turned to Clubhouse Manager Rach for help. Unofficial Sass chef, Rocco, was busy taking extra fielding practice at the time.

Rach quickly got the chicken noodle soup on its way, explain to Dawn that making chicken noodle soup was a three part process: First, open the can; second, pour contents into a pan; and third, heat until warm. Dawn said she was quite certain in the future she could handle such a task. However, it’s hoped this is a skill that’s never needed again.

Upcoming Events: Sass fans are reminded that tonight is the second Sock Night. The first 5,000 adults of either sex to enter the park will receive a pair of Sass Socks. Sass socks for males are in the Sass team colors, pink and purple, and emblazoned with the Sass logo on the ankles The socks for the females are white, with the Sass logo on the ankle. This is directly the opposite of the previous sock night.

The previous sock night was so successful, that the management decided that a second sock night was in order, but decided to switch the colors so that both sexes had equal opportunity for both pairs of socks.

Apology: Sass reliever Rheal Cormier said he would be staying up as late as it took tonight to write neat letters of apology to the fans.

“I know. I gave up one run without getting a single hit. That is completely unacceptable and I’m disappointed in myself for letting the Sass fans down like that. I hope to improve on this in the future and hope that the fans accept my apology,” Rheal said.

Tonight: Tonight the Sass welcome the return of Tomo, who will take the mound against the Jello Fighters. The entire crew of relievers will be available again.

Week Fifteen: Summary of Series

Sass…win? Stunned managers question
Short week helps team pull off victory
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- Beth was sure to send a memo to Dawn informing her on Thursday that the Here for the Sass team was not losing to Go Boom!, managed by goesboom.

“The All-Star Break meant we didn’t actually play until Thursday night, so on Thursday morning, we were technically not losing to them,” Beth said, gleefully.

Beth reported that she entered the competition without very high expectations. “Of course I always want to win, but sometimes you have to face reality. I looked at the line-up that goesboom had, and looked at the motley crew that Dawn and I were sending to the field. It just didn’t seem like a fair competition. I sometimes forget that this is baseball, and anything can happen in baseball.”

The Sass won handily, with a final score of 8-3-1. They won in runs (20-16), home runs (7-1), RBIs (20-12), stolen bases (2), walks (8-6), wins (2-0), strike-outs (26-17), and WHIP (1.17-1.22). The Sass tied in holds (1-1), and lost in batting average (.289-.298), saves (0-2), and ERA (2.44-2.33).

“Yeeha!” shouted Dawn, as Nick informed her that the Here for the Sass team moved up to 12th place, putting them into the consolation round of the playoffs. “Let’s keep rolling, boys!”

The short week seemed to really fit well with the Sass’s style of play. Sassians have short attention spans, and seven days is often too long for them to keep in game mode.

This week’s offense leaders were: runs, Carlos Guillen (5); home runs, Carlos G. and Adam Dunn (2 each); RBI, Adam (4); stolen bases, Adam and Michael Cuddyer (1 each); walks, Carlos G. (3), and batting average, Little Nicky Punto and Adam (.467).

“If you had told me this week that winning the stolen bases competition depended entirely on Adam and Michael, I would’ve said, ‘chalk that up for a loss’,” Beth said, “I mean, Michael might steal every once in a while, but not usually. And Adam, it’s not that he’s overly slow, but he’s just not a base stealer, usually. Were the opposing pitchers not watching him?”

The Sassians were happy that they did not have to face former teammate, pitcher R. Johnson, as it was felt some players might cower in fear. Edwin Encarnacion had a particular fear of Johnson, and was relieved that goesboom benched Johnson for the short series.

As for pitching, the Sassians turned one of their best performances ever, with Aaron Harang leading the way for the starters, with 1 win, 7 strike-outs, and 0.00 ERA with a 0.71 WHIP. It was pointed out that the other Aaron--Aaron Cook--had an ERA and WHIP of 1.29, while Kristin Benson had a 2.00 ERA and 0.78 WHIP and Carlos Silva had 1 win, and a 3.00 ERA and 0.83 WHIP. Only Chan Ho Park had a very poor week.

Among the leaders, Julio Mateo had 3 strike-outs, Ambiorix Burogos had 1 hold, and Brad Halsey had the lowest WHIP at 0.43. Justin Duchschererererer, Julio, Brad, and Rheal Cormier all had ERAs of 0.00.

“Wow, if you pull out Jon [Rauch] and Chan Ho, we had a superb week of pitching,” Beth said, “I hope this trend continues.”

This week, Beth and Dawn face the Jello Fighters, led by Twink and CapitalBabs. Both teams in the BFL who are led by two female managers seem to have been bitten by the injury bug. Presently both teams have three men on the DL, which might be record lows for both, with the Here for the Sass team hoping that they’ll be down to two by Tuesday.

Notes: New Member of Medical Staff Added

Hydration key in summer heat
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass medical staff announced that they have added a staff member. Edward Mujica was on the BFL free agent list, but had not been picked up, so the Sass Medical Staff offered him a job.

“As the days get hot and humid, there’s a large concern about overheating and dehydration. We wanted to have someone in charge of making sure the entire team, including the front office, were well-hydrated, before, during, and after the games. What beverages he serves obviously depends on the timing. A relief pitcher heading to the bullpen will obviously not get the same drinks as a starting pitcher coming into the clubhouse after finishing his work for the night,” said Jason Tyner, who heads the Sass Medical Staff.

Edward is also in charge of making sure that Dawn constantly has a fresh Mojito near her.

Pets: Many Sassians have pets, but super utility player Little Nicky Punto has the oddest collection of all, having three large pet peeves. They are: People who are late, when people aren't courteous on the road, and they cut you off, and when sheets of toilet paper are facing underneath the roll. They should be on top."

The writer of the Sass Notes would like to apologize to Little Nicky for the lateness of this post.

DL Update: Tomo Ohka should rejoin the Sass sometime today. As of yet, it’s uncertain which Sassian will be cut from the team. There are rumors that it could be Chan Ho Park or Julio Mateo, both of whom have expressed an interest in taking care of the Sass Stadium penguins as a full-time job.

Pitcher Matt Guerrier has been with the team the last week so Beth and Dawn could watch him pitch off the mound (they insist it’s purely for observation of his recovery from the injury, but there have been reports to the contrary from other Sassians). If he’s still feeling well when the Sassians leave for their road trip Thursday afternoon, it’s likely that he will fly back to Nice to join the Nice Guys for a rehab assignment.

Dawn had been indicating a trip to the Sass Rehab Facility was necessary for Beth to overcome a codeine addiction, but as of Monday morning, Beth had removed all codeine from her house and was not facing any withdrawal symptoms. Sassians are keeping a close eye on her for relapses, however.

Apologies: Chan Ho was the first Sassian pitcher to be put to work writing apology letters to fans. All four other Sassian starting pitchers did well. Jon Rauch was also required to write a few letters--his pitching was also not up to par, but as a reliever, he does less overall damage to the team.

Tonight: With required limits on players, the Sassians will play tonight without a starting pitcher, shortstop, catcher, or utility player. All six relievers will be available in the bullpen, however. It’s believed that Sass hitting coach Michael Restovich will pitch the first inning, and Sass Translator Sarah will pitch the second and third innings. Clubhouse Manager Rach will pitch the fifth inning, and Uniform and Equipment Manager Kat will pitch the sixth through eighth innings.

Notes: New Additions to Sass Stadium

New mascot requires stadium changes
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- When the Sassians returned to Sass Stadium on Thursday, they found some changes had been made to the ballpark. In the clubhouse and in an area just off the third base line, there have been glass-walled rooms set up for penguins. Beth and Dawn announced that that Here for the Sass's official team mascot was a penguin, and they felt like sharing the joys of penguins with all fans and players at Sass Park.

"We couldn't decide whether we wanted the penguins back in the clubhouse, where we would see them often, or if they should be somewhere where the fans could see them. After talking with contractors to build the cooled rooms, it was discovered that it was feasible from an architecture standpoint to do both. Our accountant, olbiemn, informed us that our budget would allow to create enclosures in both places," Dawn said.

The starting rotation has volunteered to care for the penguins.

There are various images and statues of penguins throughout Sass Stadium, including the outfield wall being covered with pictures of penguins.

“It looks like I’m being surrounded by penguins when I’m standing out there--they totally look real,” outfielder Michael Cuddyer said. “But, hey! It’s penguins. I don’t mind it at all. But I’m kinda glad they didn’t pick tigers that were crouched to pounce.”

Monopoly Champion crowned: The Here for the Sass All-Star Break Monopoly Tournament was finally finished before the first game of the second half on Thursday. Dawn was declared the ultimate winner of the game, but spectators did say that it was quite possibly the craziest game of Monopoly they ever witnessed.

Dawn was declared the winner because at the end, she visibly owned the most property, and neither Beth nor Dawn had any money. It was pointed out that Beth burned her pile of Monopoly money and roasted marshmallows over it, while Dawn took a more creative route of folding her money into origami pieces and giving it away children present. Witnesses to the event said they did see, but had no proof, that Beth and Dawn were passing property titles under the table. The game ended when the players officiating realized that Dawn owned two pieces of property (both mortgaged for money to fold in origami), and Beth owned none, and there were no property titles owned by the bank.

The titles to the properties have been showing up all over Sass Stadium. As Beth and Dawn only briefly left the playing table for bathroom breaks, no one is quite certain what happened to the titles, and Beth and Dawn aren’t telling. The title to B&O railroad showed up in the Sass shower room, while outfielder Adam Dunn found the title to Reading Railroad replacing one of his bookmarks.

“We’re a bit puzzled,” outfielder Rocco Baldelli said. “They had no chances to get away to hide all these property titles, and the titles disappeared so slowly, none of us are quite when they disappeared or where they went to. Beth and Dawn assured us at the end of the game that they did not have them, and we know they don’t lie.”

Banning: There are very few things that the Here for the Sass ban in their clubhouse. Anything illegal, of course, is banned, and anything that’s just in bad taste. However, Beth and Dawn did announce they were adding something to the list, as Monopoly is now banned from the clubhouse.

“I don’t care if some of the guys like it,” Beth said, “I don’t EVER want to be involved in a Monopoly tournament again. And by banning monopoly, that means there is absolutely no chance of it again.”

Sass pitcher Chan Ho Park, who started the tournament is on alert for revenge from Dawn.

“I swear, if I ever get any proof that it was his idea that Beth and I play, he’s going to be sent to the New York Black Holes,” Dawn said, eyeing Chan Ho suspiciously.

Jealousy rages: On Thursday evening, Dawn discovered Little Nicky Punto flirting with .300. She immediately intervened with the flirtation, and gave Little Nicky a stern talking to after the game. The discussion was private in the manager’s office, while Beth was on the field talking to the media.

Intervention averted: Because of ailments that have bothered her for most of the season, Sass owner and manager Beth has reported getting cough medicine from the physicians in Nice. It wasn’t until recently that she admitted that the cough syrup contained codeine, although Sassians did say that it explained her sleepiness and loopiness lately. Dawn staged and intervention, but Sass physicians reported that she has not yet abused the medication.

Dawn did point out her completely random point-giving in the Bat Cave as an example that the codeine abuse might be out of hand. However, since Beth has given up her duties as Pointmistress, life in the Sass clubhouse has returned to it’s version of normal.

Winning: As it's likely the only time this week she'll be able to say this, Beth was quite pleased to announce late Thursday that so far the Here for the Sass had a shut-out held over Go Boom!, with a 7-0 score. The Sassians hope to play well this week, but fully expect Go Boom! to make a good comeback.

"But Adam stole a base. Yes! Adam!" Beth exclaimed.

Coming up: In an attempt to get every single possible into the competition this week, Aaron Harang and Kristin Benson will start on Friday, Aaron Cook will start on Saturday, and Chan Ho and Carlos Silva will start on Sunday.

Beth has placed copies of the "A Guide to Perfect Handwriting" in the clubhouse and bullpen. The Sass pitchers will be required to write letters of apology to the rest of the team, the management, and the fans, if they produce a poor performance. Relievers Justin Duchschererererer and Brad Halsey stepped up their game by putting up a lot of zeros.

Beth and Dawn announced that the That is a Very Bad Idea presentation has been retired to the depths of the Sass storage room.

Notes: Winning Monopoly Team announced!

Playing to lose was the winning strategy
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- There were some unprintable words spoken as Beth and Dawn were declared the winners of the Here for the Sass All-Star Break Monopoly Tournament. When Rach and T. landed on Baltic Avenue with a hotel, owned by Beth and Dawn, they knew they were toast. This is when unprintable words were spoken by the ladies involved.

“Rather than paying the fee to stay at our hotel, we’ll let you stay for free if you bake us cookies,” Beth offered to the stunned competitors. The gathered crowd of fans and Sassians, who had been waiting for hours to find out who the winner was of First Annual Here for the Sass All-Star Break Monopoly Tournament.

Beth and Dawn accepted the congratulations, and said they were glad it was all over.

“We tried to play to lose. Our strategy to was to hold the monopoly of Baltic Avenue and Mediterranean Avenue, which we did in every game. We’re still not sure how we won. I’m glad we’re done and we don’t have to play another game,” Dawn said, moments after the Championship round was over.

Fans all were quite pleased with the results, and hoped this would become an annual Here for the Sass tradition.

“I had so much fun watching Beth and Dawn so obviously play to lose, and then groan in agony every time something they did turned out to be the best move,” said ClosetJaysFan, who came to the stadium to watch the final game, and admitted to watching earlier games as they were broadcast on the Sass web site.

Over $14,000 was raised for charities from this event, and the Sass thank all their fans for the support.

Final-Final Round: Sassians decided that they needed an ultimate champion, similar to an MVP of a game. A final-final round today will be between Beth and Dawn. Both ladies protested the idea, saying they wanted to win as a team, but that idea was refused. The Sassians did agree that if Beth and Dawn were to play a game similar to the television show Fear Factor, they could avoid playing Monopoly. Fans are welcome to join the entire Sass team at Sass Stadium Thursday morning, or on the web at the Sass site to watch the final playoff game of Monopoly.

“Beth and I were playing to lose, and ended up winning. I’m still debating whether my strategy is still playing to lose or to play to win. Playing to lose might end up failing me again, but playing to win sucks,” Dawn said.

Beth confided to reporters and Dawn that she was going to play to “irritate me in the least amount possible.” The general consensus of the Sassians is that this will building card houses out of the property titles, purposely counting wrong, and making up songs about every single property she lands on. Dawn has already requested a steady supply of Mojitos to help her survive the game and hopes to spend as much time in jail as she can.

Sass players said they will keep a close eye on the ladies, as there were some murmurings that they would attempt to light the board on fire to get out of playing.

News from Nice: With the DL Boys returning to the Sass Rehabilitation Facility in Nice Wednesday, after all three were eliminated from further Monopoly play, they returned in time for Grant to make a relief appearance with the Nice Nice Guys (Sass AA team). Accroding to the translation by Sass Translator Sarah, Grant pitched one inning and struck out two. Tomo Ohka will make another start with the team soon and could possibly rejoin the Sass next week, and it's felt that Matt Guerrier could start a rehab assignment with the Nice Guys sometime in the next week or two.

Tonight: Beth was too lazy to write up a pitching rotation, and A.J. Pierzynski admitted he was exhausted from staying up late to read books on Monopoly strategy, so it was decided that there would be no starting pitcher nor catcher for the first game coming out of the All-Star Break. There’s some possibility of relief pitchers being used, but Beth and Dawn would not commit to any.

Notes: A player and a bench jockey

All-Star game involves two Sassians
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass enjoyed watching the All Star game on Tuesday night. The 10 players who came form the National League spent most of the game taunting the 14 players who played for the American League (both Jermaine Dye and A.J. Pierzynski were down in the American League dugout, naturally). The National League held a 2-1 lead going into the ninth inning, when the American League went ahead 3-2, which was the final score.

“It was kinda embarrassing. We spent so much of the game taunting and suddenly we had to eat our words,” outfielder Adam Dunn said.

A.J. did not get to play in the game, while Jermaine had only one at-bat and limited time in the outfield. A.J. did not get to play due to the vast amount of bubble wrap around him. The Sass felt a little more comfortable removing layers if necessary, when Francisco Liriano made it to the All-Star team. However, since he was a reserve player, it was felt that A.J. was best served remaining in bubble wrap as long as possible.

“I was the reserve catcher,” A.J. said, “I was the third catcher, and it’s wise to have a back-up plan in case of injury, and I was it. I wish I could’ve gotten out there, but I have to understand my role. Just like poor Frisco. He should’ve been out there, too. I think the NL paid Ozzie so they wouldn’t have to face him.”

The team flew back to Minneapolis after the game on Tuesday.

Championship Round: The final round of the Sass Monopoly Championship round that will be held today at Sass Stadium. From all the games played on Monday and Tuesday, the players with the top scores advanced to the championship round, which will be held in Minneapolis today. All fans are invited out to Sass Stadium to watch this event. The event is free to all fans, but there will be places for donations to Sass Charities available throughout the stadium. Fans are encouraged to pledge amounts based on sassy things like “hotels bought by someone named Encarnacion” or “number of times Beth and Dawn make a boneheaded move in attempts to lose.”

Despite playing to lose, Beth and Dawn advanced to the final round of the Sass Monopoly Championship round.

“Did you ever have one of those games that no matter how hard you tried, you always ended up losing? Well, we had a couple of those games where no matter what we did, it turned out in our favor. We hate Monopoly! We don’t want to play anymore!” Dawn lamented.

They will play against Aaron Harang and Juan Encarnacion; Edwin Encarnacion and Ambiroix Burgos; Rach and T.; and Little Nicky Punto and Michael Cuddyer.

Adam and Jermaine are MCing the event, which lead many to believe that it could be the best non-baseball entertainment to be held in Minneapolis in the last ten years.

BFL Cellar: The Here for the Sass Team spent a great amount of time in the BFL Cellar earlier this year, and fully expect their difficult schedule might find them back there before the season ends. However, there may be a few changes. Currently, the Mmmm…Guinness team, under the direction of HeraldGuy, is in the cellar, and rumors are coming out that the wine collection, enjoyed by Dawn, is in serious condition.

Notes: Home run derby a fun time

Sassian makes strong showing
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

PITTSBURGH -- The Here for the Sass team members were all on-hand for the Home Run Derby in Pittsburgh to support teammate Jermaine Dye. Sass catcher A.J. Pierzynski, the loudmouth of the group, was featured on ESPN during Jermaine’s at-bats, where he was sure to poke fun of his teammates. He initially said Jermaine had no chance whatsoever of hitting a home run, but was relieved when he did because “at least he didn’t get shut-out!” When Jermaine hit seven, which at the time would’ve put him into round 2, A.J. was amazed.

“Jermaine’s a solid hitter, but he’s usually more of a doubles guy,” A.J. said to reporters afterwards. “I know he hits a lot of home runs, but I didn’t expect him to do that well. I’m proud of him.”

Jermaine just missed entering the second round of the Home Run Derby when Ryan Howard topped Jermaine’s 7 home runs by hitting 8.

“It was kind of a relief,” Jermaine said, “I didn’t want to wear myself out hitting home runs tonight, only to find myself too tired to play on Tuesday. I would’ve liked to have gone further, but you could see it in David Wright--he started off very well, but he just wore out through the second and third rounds.”

Jermaine is in second place on the Sass in home runs, but looks forward to an exciting second half, and hopes of taking over the number one slot from outfielder Adam Dunn. Adam disagreed.

“I could’ve hit more,” outfielder Adam taunted Jermaine that evening. “Youth always prevails!”

Mrs. Guillen made Jermaine peanut butter cookies--his favorite--to honor his accomplishment. All Sassians took part in a post-Derby celebration in the party room of the hotel, which Rach had reserved.

Almost Late: Jermaine and the rest of the Sass team didn’t actually make it to PNC Park for the Home Run Derby until after it had already started, part of the reason that Jermaine batted later in the order. The Sassians had decided to go watch Grant Balfour make his first professional pitching appearance since 2004 with the Minnesota Twins. Balfour had multiple surgeries last year and has not pitched since. Mockball Madness has a Class A team just outside of Pittsburgh, which graciously allowed Grant to pitch an inning for a rehab assignment. Pitching coach Bronson Arroyo was on-hand, and said that Grant looked good.

Grant pitched one inning, without giving up a hit or a walk, and striking out one.

Monopoly: The clear favorites for the Sass Monopoly competition was the pair of Aaron Cook and Julio Mateo. Both men, besides being excellent ballplayers and teammates, are also very good businessmen. It was surprising that on Monday, they lost in the first round to the pairs of Jermaine and Adam; Kristin Benson and Chan Ho Park; Juan Encarnacion and Aaron Harang; Edwin Encarnacion and Ambiorix Burgos; and Brad Halsey and Rocco Baldelli. JEn and Aaron H. won that round, with e.e. and Ambiorix coming in second.

“Man, that was embarrassing. Particularly since we lost to the two kids--e.e. and Ambiorix are barely out of school!” Aaron C. said.

Beth and Dawn won their round, which amazed Beth.

“I’ve gotta give all the credit to Dawn. I hate Monopoly, and, truthfully, suck at it. I don’t know what she did, but she managed to win despite having me as a teammate. That’s pretty impressive, really,” Beth said.

Tonight: Tonight both A.J. Pierzynski and Jermaine Dye are hoping to find playing time in the MLB All-Star Game. The Sass will be there cheering them on, although admittedly, they’re really excited that young Francisco Liriano of the Wombats. The front office is particularly interested in Frisco, Johan Santana of the Jello Fighters, and Joe Mauer of StacyTwins733. The entire front office does not hide their loyalty to the Minnesota Twins, where all three men also play.

“I wish the Sassians and Twins all the best,” Dawn said.

Notes: All-Star Break

It couldn’t come at a better time!
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

PITTSBURGH -- The BFL is on All-Star Break for the next three days, and it couldn’t have come at a better time for the Here for the Sass team.

“We’re tired, we’re sore, we’re just looking forward to a few days to chill out and have some fun,” outfielder Rocco Baldelli said.

Most players in the BFL who are not on either of MLB’s All-Star rosters have chosen vacation plans elsewhere, but the Sassians have decided to hang out together as a team, with their families invited.

“I was planning on heading to the Bahamas for a vacation,” fair-haired outfielder Adam Dunn said, “But we discussed sunburning issues, and I decided to stay home. Then the whole Sass All-Star Break was decided, and I was glad I decided to stay!”

The Sassians are holding their First Annual All-Star Break Monopoly Tournament. All Sassians have paired up, and there will be multiple games going at once.

Kristin Benson and teammate Chan Ho Park immediately claimed the iron as their playing piece, while Juan Encarnacion and Aaron Harang immediately grabbed the shoe. The three men on the DL re-joined the team, and formed their own team of three.

Adam Dunn and Jermaine Dye paired up, as usual, leading to taunts from the rest of the Sassians that they couldn’t win Monopoly on home runs alone.

The entire tournament will take place in Pittsburgh, so Jermaine and A.J. can both take part in the Monopoly tournament and the All-Star game, and so Sassians can cheer them on.

DL Chutes and Ladders Udpate: With the Sass DL players joining the team for the All-Star Break activities, they brought with their official scoreboard. Julio Mateo, who had briefly led the competition, was saddened to see how far he had slipped. In fact, Grant Balfour has now taken over the leader board, having both the most wins and the highest winning percentage. Tomo Ohka, Matt Guerrier, and Grant were requested to put on a brief demonstration of a game, which they complied.

The Sassians were amazed how the games worked, but mostly were surprised that Grant was winning, giving his propensity to get distracted.

“Sometimes, I thought a game would have to be suspended, because Grant would get up for a drink, and sometimes it took so long, we were wondering if he was coming back,” Little Nicky Punto said. Matt and Tomo both admitted that the problem existed with Grant, but in Nice they were able to keep a closer eye on him, because there were less people around, and more staff and trainers to watch for Grant.

Hey, now, you’re an All-Star! Jermaine and A.J. both said they were looking forward to the All-Star game. Both men are reserve players, but have high hopes of getting in at least one at-bat. “I mean, I wouldn’t mind pinch-hitting, even,” A.J. said. “I love to play, so it would be great if they’d split up the time for the three catchers on the roster, but I’ll take whatever I can get.”

Jermaine knows he’ll get to swing the bat a few times in Pittsburgh, as he will take place in the batting contest tonight. KatHarriet has assured Jermaine that he will have a large supply of bats.

Get rid of That is a Very Bad Idea presentation “It doesn’t work anyway”. The replacement is being forced to write public apologies to the Sass fans.

“The presentation wasn’t working. The pitchers weren’t taking any lessons from the video to the field, and the players were sick of hearing it in the background,” Dawn said. “We’re trying something new.”

After the All-Star: After the All-Star Break, the Sass will have a short series with goesboom of Go Boom!

“We’re a little wary about facing him. e.e. is already shaking a little bit, but not from actually facing goesboom’s team, but rather the fear of the one day he’ll have to face R. Johnson. Quite frankly, Dawn and I are planning on skipping that day,” Beth said.

Week Fourteen: Summary of Series

Slipping downwards
A loss sends the Sass down.
By Beth Sass / cheapseatschick.com

It was another tough week for the Here for the Sass team, as they dropped the series to Johan es mi novio, which pushed them down to 14th place in the BFL. Although they have more wins than the number 13 team, Gassner’s All-Stars, they also have more losses. The final score for the series with Johan es mi novio was 5-7.

“You never think one more walk will make a difference, but too often it’s been the difference between a win or a loss,” outfielder Juan Encarnacion said. “I’m pretty much a free swinger, but maybe I should work on a little plate discipline. Adam [Dunn] doesn’t have the greatest batting average, but he does have a lot of walks and a lot of home runs.”

The hitting took 3 of 6, and the pitching managed an amazing 2 of 6. The final results by category were: runs (32-23), home runs (9-7), RBI (34-28), stolen bases (4-8), walks (14-15), batting average (.277-.286), wins (1-3), saves (1-0), strike-outs (35-48), holds (4-0), ERA (6.09-.2.49), and WHIP (1.72-1.04).

“I thought for sure, earlier last week, that the home run category was chalked up for a loss. And then suddenly Jermaine Dye happened,” Beth said.

Jermaine was the team leader this week, having the most runs (7), home runs (5), RBIs (11), and batting average (.379). Carlos Guillen had the most stolen bases with 2. Four Sassians in the starting line-up had 2 walks (Adam, Jermaine, JEn, and Michael Cuddyer), which was the most.

“That’s just sick,” Adam said, who had two home runs. “Old men like him shouldn’t be able to hit more than one home run a week. He’s totally catching up to me. That can’t be happening!” Adam currently leads the team with 28 home runs, while Jermaine has 25.

Of the bench players, Mark Grudzielanek led with 3 runs and 2 walks. Doug Mientkiewicz had a .500 batting average, all three (Mark, Doug, and Placido Polanco) had 2 RBIs.

Despite repeated showings of That is a Very Bad Idea, the pitching staff really did do some very bad things. They had a few quality performances, which more surprised Beth and Dawn than anything.

“Sometimes I’d forget they could pitch well,” Dawn said, “They have in the past, but for as many times as we had to run That is a Very Bad Idea I wondered if they just forgot how to pitch well.”

That final stats line showed how poorly the Sass pitching did, both individually and as a team. The scattered good performances are lost amongst the high numbers.

“There are some misleading stats. Ambiorix [Burgos] had a 0.00 ERA but he was responsible for a blown save when he allowed inherited runners to score,” Beth explained.

The team leaders for the starters was: wins, Chan Ho (1); strike-outs, Aaron Harang (11, two starts); ERA, Chan Ho (3.86); and WHIP, Chan Ho (1.57). Amongst the starters, there were no wins; saves, Ambiorix (1); strike-outs, Jon Rauch (7); holds, Rheal Cormier; ERA, Ambiorix, Justin Duchschererererer, and Rheal (0.00), and WHIP, Justin (0.64).

“We had not one, not two, but three pitchers with ERAs over 20,” Beth said, “I defy any team in the BFL to accomplish that in one week!” Julio Mateo and Carlos Silva both had ERAs of 27.00, and Kristin Benson had an ERA of 21.00.

“We’ll do better this week,” Dawn said, “We’re against goesboom of Go Boom! They’re a tough team--but I think our guys are up for the challenge.”

Notes: Another Sassian All-Star

”Fans are stupid”
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

ARLINGTON -- The Here for the Sass grudgingly admitted that A.J. Pierzynski was voted in on the final ballot for Major League Baseball’s All-Star game. A.J. will be playing for the American League.

“Like I said yesterday: What the [censored]? I mean, I’m honored and all, but that roster already had two catchers--AND the final ballot had TWO catchers, and I wasn’t even the best of those two. I’m happy to be going. It’s a total thrill, but I’m just confused,” A.J. said.

A.J. also mentioned that he would be sending a gift basket to Firsco Liriano as an apology gift. “I can’t help it that the fans are stupid,” A.J. said, “And nothing can change that. I know the gift won’t replace the opportunity to go to the All Star game, but hopefully in years to come, we’ll be seeing a lot of Frisco at All Star games.”

Clubhouse Manager Rach had A.J. wrapped in an extra layer of bubble wrap, so players and front office members alike could take their anger out on him.

“I know he didn’t choose this,” said outfielder Jermaine Dye, who was with A.J. on the south Chicago team last year, “And it totally rocks that a teammate is going with me to Pittsburgh, but I have to agree with him. Fans are stupid.”

A.J. has reported that his shoes seem to be constantly tied in knots, along with the legs of his pants, and his bed has been short-sheeted at least once.

“I have no idea how any of this could’ve happened,” said Rach, “Or at least, how it could’ve happened without anyone asking me to help them.”

The Heat of the Night: The Sass team flew into Texas for their next series of play against Johan es mi novio. While most of the players complained about the heat, infielder Little Nicky Punto was thrilled.

“I don’t like the heat so much as I like water activities. The hotter it is, the better it feels to be in the water,” Little Nicky said.

Little Nicky enjoys all water sports, and is trained in SCUBA, one of his favorite activities that he rarely gets a chance to participate in during baseball season. As he had been given the day off on Thursday, he spent a couple of hours at a local aquarium in the water among the fish.

“It’s super. I’m glad for the day of rest to just look at the beautiful colors under the water. It was relaxing,” Little Nicky said.

Little Nicky said that Rach had suggested the outing. Rach later admitted that she wanted Little Nicky out of the clubhouse, so that Beth would not accidentally punch him while aiming for A.J.


Little Nicky SCUBA dives at a local aquarium. His signature green Speedo was worn outside of his diving outfit to ensure he was recognizable.

You’re kidding, right? Beth made Dawn sit down, and had doctors check her blood pressure before delivering the news Thursday night. "A Sass starter not only had a quality start, but he picked up a win," Beth reported. Chan Ho Park pitched 7 innings, giving up 3 runs, the best a Sass starters has done this week. He also now has a team-leading 6 strike-outs.

Physicians were on hand to prevent Dawn from fainting entirely.

“I decided that might not be the best time to mention that Adam Dunn stole a base,” Beth said.

Over the fence: Jermaine, who has 3 stole bases on the year, to Adam’s 2, hit home run number 22 last night, which brings him 1 closer to Adam’s team-leading 27.

“I will catch up to that punk kid. He’s been hitting better lately, but it’s been more for contact and base-hits, not home runs,” Jermaine said.

“Oh, just you wait, old man,” Adam said.

A.J., feeling bad about the whole trouble of the All-Star voting, decided to apologize to the Sass front office the best way he knew how, and followed up Jermaine’s home run with one of his own.

“I figured it was the least I could do for the team,” A.J. said.

Coming up: Friday night will see Kristin Benson and Carlos Silva try to improve on their performances from last week, in order to prevent Beth and Dawn from openly weeping in the clubhouse. Saturday will see Aaron Harang take the mound, and Sunday Aaron Cook will be pitching, both in hopes of improving their weekly record.

Notes: All Star Voting coming to end

Lone Sassian on final ballot urges fans to vote
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

KANSAS CITY -- Here for the Sass catcher A.J. Pierzynski was shocked to hear he was one of the leaders in the final vote for the final spot on the American League All Star ballot. Also on the ballot are Travis Hafner, Ramon Hernandez, Justin Verlander, and Francisco Liriano. Liriano had previously led the voting, but A.J. has crept into the lead.

"What the [censored]?" A.J. said. "People are voting for me over Frisco? That proves it. The voting public is stupid. Don't get me wrong. I'd love to go, and I think I deserve to go. But between me and Frsico? That's a no-brainer. C'mon, people. Get out there and vote for Frisco!"

When asked who he thought should get the final vote for the National League, he responded, "It doesn't really matter. The important thing is to get Frisco in there, and then, if the manager is smart, he’ll get a chance to pitch."

Presently, A.J. has plans to spend with his wife, infant daughter, and young Jimmy Grudzielanek-Meintkiewicz-Pierzynski, whom he adopted with his teammates. If he goes to the All Star game, his wife and daughter will join him, but Jimmy will stay in Minneapolis with his other two fathers.

“I’d like to spend more time with my son, so I’m kinda hoping for the couple of days off,” A.J. said.

Returns to the Team: Beth took Edwin Encarnacion off the DL, perhaps a bit prematurely, after Wednesday's games. In the rehab games, e.e. had a home run and three doubles in 36 at-bats. It’s possible that e.e. will not be playing for the Sass immediately, as his ankle strength is still not completely healed, but the Sass were feeling a shortage of infielders and needed some help at the plate.

"He's been playing well in his rehab assignments. He'll be ready to play very shortly anyway, so we might as well have him with the team and available as soon as he’s ready," Beth said.

To make room on the roster, Beth and Dawn decided to cut Emil Brown from the roster. Emil is somewhat of a network specialist, and the Sass were having troubles with their network server which affected e-mail and the Sass web site, so he has agreed to stay with the team and continue working on the network.

“We’re hoping that with Emil on the situation, we won’t have any more delays in publishing the Sass Notes,” Dawn said. “Because when blogger breaks, it’s just annoying.”

Meanwhile, Beth reported to the Sass late Wednesday night from the Batling Fantasy League Infirmary in Minneapolis. While she is not 100%, it was decided that she was progressing nicely, and a trip to Nice was not necessary.

Bubble wrap! Equipment and Uniform Manager KatHarriet was quite pleased to put in an order for extra bubble wrap on Wednesday. With the Sassians playing on stilts on Tuesday, and no one in the front office available to insist on safety precautions, the entire Sass team took it upon themselves to ensure no injuries occurred, and wrapped an extra layer of bubble wrap around themselves.

“I’m quite pleased that the lessons on proper safety equipment have finally sunk in,” Clubhouse manager Rach said, “Hopefully, we won’t have anymore unnecessary injuries.”

Kat’s order was placed immediately Wednesday morning, and it’s believed that the supplies should be replenished by game time on Thursday.

“It was a bit nerve-wrecking,” Kat said, ”I spent all night Wednesday watching the game nervously, knowing that we were short bubble wrap, but so far, it looks like we survived the evening.”

Dirty tricks require cleaning: Doug Mientkiewicz and Mark Grudzielanek were both put in charge of cleaning the Sass Shower Room Wednesday night. Both men were benched last night, and snuck off to play for the Kansas City Royals. Both men had hits off of Bradke, who holds the title as Beth's Starting Pitching Boyfriend.

"Oops," said Mark, "But it's impossible to keep up with when we're allowed to hit or not, so I don’t know why we’re being punished.”

Dawn explained that getting hits of off any Twins pitcher is cause for punishments to be meted out, which was an acceptable answer to the Sass players.

Tonight:The Sass will send starting pitching Chan Ho Park to the mound tonight, in hopes of stopping the bleeding that's been faced by the Sass this week. With the most strike-outs by any one single pitcher being the 3 by Aaron Harang earlier this week, there is high hopes that Chan Ho will take over team leader in strike-outs. With limited players available, Chan Ho will definitely play without a shortstop with Doug in the utility role. It's uncertain whether e.e. will join the team in time for the game, so there could be a lack of third baseman, as well. Of course, per the BFL agreement with MLB, there is the possibility that the Sass will be short other players as well.

Notes: Sudden ailment of Manager causes loss

Team left on own manages themselves poorly
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

KANSAS CITY -- Just prior to Tuesday's Fourth of July game, Here for the Sass manager Beth reported feeling decidedly ill. Equipment and Uniform Manager KatHarriet, Accountant olbiemn joined Manager Dawn in taking Beth to the airport, where she was flown to the Batling Fantasy League Infirmary in Minneapolis, where she joined Joe Mauer of StacyTwins733 for tests. Doctors at the BFL Infirmary will decide if Beth will stay in Minneapolis to recover, or if her illness will require her to report to the Sass Rehabilitation Facility in Nice.

With the entire Sass front office away from the team Tuesday night (Clubhouse Manager Rach had not yet returned from her scouting assignment in western North Dakota), the entire Sass line-up dressed in Uncle Sam costumes.

"It was very difficult to pitch while wearing stilts," relief pitcher Julio Mateo reported. In the game, he gave up four runs in one inning of work, an outing that included four hits and two walks.

The costumes made it all the more shocking that outfielders Juan Encarnacion and Jermaine Dye both hit home runs.

"They're veteran players, for sure," said outfielder Michael Cuddyer, "[Outfielder Rocco Baldelli] and I couldn't even get a hit!" Michael walked once in the game, as umpires tried to determine where the strike-zone was on a player wearing stilts.

Pitching failures: Pitching coach Bronson Arroyo apologized for the lack of time he spent coaching the last couple of weeks, due to the fact that he's been working on getting his name out there for the All Star game, and is currently preparing himself for the All Star game. While the Sass would like to see him helping out more with the pitching rotation, they understand that he's very busy right now.

"I really think that our pitchers should be able to do things on their own. They're no helpless," Dawn said. "It's just an excuse that they've been doing poorly. They're just not focused on baseball right now."

The Sass team has instituted new bedtimes for the pitchers in hopes that it will make them concentrate more on baseball and less on having fun after games.

Coming up: Since the pitchers have been playing so poorly, Beth (via phone) and Dawn decided they will not send a starting pitcher out to the mound until Thursday. They will be spending their time on Wednesday much as they did on Tuesday: watching That is a Very Bad Idea, watching advance scouting videos, and practicing their pitches. The relief corps, who have not been doing well, either, will also be watching the videos, but there is a chance they will be called in to pitch.

Notes: All-Star Game Team announced

One Sassian named as Alternate
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team announced that one Sassian was named as an alternate to the MLB All-Star Game this year. Outfielder Jermaine Dye was named to the American League alternate team, and it is hoped he gets some time in the field.

“It’s really an honor to have my numbers noticed. I think what’s of particular note is that I’m in the same class as StacyTwins733’s Joe Mauer, who is without a doubt the hottest hitter in the league. If fans aren’t voting him in, I’m okay with being named an alternate, too,” Jermaine said.

It was a bit perplexing that the Sass only managed one player, but not overly surprising.

“Lower ranked teams always get less people. It’s not the quality of the player, it’s the popularity of the player. Besides, we all know Commissioner SBGF is from New York, and those fans will cheat any way they can to get their players on,” Adam Dunn said. “Totally unfair. I hit more home runs and walk more than Jermaine.”

Sass hitting coach Bronson Arroyo of Mockball Madness has also made it to the All-Star Team, although with the National League.

Sass Catcher A.J. Pierzynski is on the final ballot for the American League team, but asks that that fans vote for Francisco Liriano of the Wombats, instead. "We've got two catchers on the AL team, and with Joe Mauer of StacyTwins733 on the team, there's really no need for me. That Frisco kid, however, truly needs to get in the game. That man, he can sit 'em down."

Pitcher’s presentation: On Friday morning, Beth and Dawn resurrected their That is a Very Bad Idea presentation. The presentation was originally created when the Sass pitchers decided to suck as much as they could, as a sort of competition. Beth and Dawn have repeatedly told them that that is a very bad idea, and it seemed to work for a while. However, they excused Carlos S. from the presentation for his good performance earlier this week, and when Carlos came to the mound on Saturday, he decided to see just how poorly he could pitch.

“Even Kristin on Sunday didn’t improve his performance on the mound,” Beth said, “So we’re going to have another refresher course on Monday. I’m just grateful we remembered to video tape it last time. Dawn and I don’t really need to give it again. It’s definitely not boring, but it’s a lesson we don’t really need.”

New scouting area: This weekend, Clubhouse Manager Rach has been off to western North Dakota for scouting purposes.

"This is an area that's largely unscouted, and we feel it's important to check out the prospects there. This weekend worked well for Rach to be gone from the team since we were home, and she can drive straight to Kansas City to meet us there,” Dawn said.

Rach has reported that she will not be able to join the team on Monday, as originally planned, but will be back with the team either later on Tuesday or on Wednesday.

Aaron Day! Beth admits she’s easily amused, so when the Sass had another double-header scheduled today, she decided to make it Aaron Day, sending both Aaron Harang and Aaron Cook to the mound. Aaron H. will pitch the afternoon game, and Aaron C. will pitch the evening game. The same Sassians will play in both games, because neither Beth nor Dawn feels like putting together two line-ups. The bench players were a little upset until Beth and Dawn allowed them to play in the field for both games, but they will likely not get at-bats.

“It’s the designated hitter for position players. It’s not in the official rules, but we’re hoping aussie doesn’t notice,” Dawn said.

Week Thirteen: Summary of Series

Sass win again!
Solid hitting, Adequate pitching key
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team announced their third win in a row, for a season high. Earlier this year they won two in a row, but tied the third. At 9-3, this was their most dominating win of the year.

"Things are really starting to gel as a team," Beth said. "We've got a line-up settled, there's laughter in the clubhouse. There have been less trips to the DL recently, and even the guys in Nice are starting to recover. Everything is just feeling good right now."

The hitting was very dominant, taking 5 of 6, while pitching did surprisingly well taking 4 of 6. "After Carlos [Silva]’s spectacular start early this week, we could hardly stand to look at the pitching stats. We've taken to re-showing our That is a Very Bad Idea presentation a couple of times, and it looks like we'll need a few more if the team is going to win," Dawn said.

In hitting, the Sass dominated nearly every category except home runs, where they kept things close. The final results were: runs (50-26), home runs (7-8), RBIs (46-26), stolen bases (4-1), walks (25-14), and batting average (.341-.311).

"I was making good contact with the ball," outfielder Jermaine Dye said, "But nothing was going out of the park. I feel good at the plate, though, so I'm hoping I'll see some good pitches to knock around."

Among the regular line-up, the team leaders were as follows: runs, Little Nicky Punto (9); home runs, Adam Dunn and Rocco Baldelli (2); RBIs, Adam and Rocco (8); stolen bases, Little Nicky and Carlos Guillen (2); walks, Adam and Carlos G. (5); and batting average, Jermaine (.440).

"I'm really pleased with my plate appearances this week," Adam said. "I know I had a couple of weeks of doing not-so-well, and I really appreciate the confidence that Beth and Dawn showed in my ability. I really feel like I've gotten my swing back."

Among the bench players, Doug Mientkiewicz scored 3 runs, hit 1 home run, and had a .400 batting average for the bench leaders. Mark Grudzielanek also scored 1 run, and Emil Brown had 1 walk.

“I’m always glad to help out whenever I can,” Doug said, “It’s a good time. I don’t like sitting on the bench much, so I’m hoping that eventually my playing will force Beth and Dawn to get me in the line-up more often.”

The pitching wasn't nearly as dominant, with the relieve corps having a surprisingly bad week. But, despite it all, the Sass managed to keep everything but the WHIP close. The final results in pitching were: wins (6-1), saves (1-0), strike-outs (41-25), holds (1-2), ERA (5.03-5.18), and WHIP (1.42-1.24).

“We did make the mistake of starting Kristin [Benson] on 4 days’ rest, rather than the usual 5. We didn’t really want to, but SBGF caught wind that we were going to pick a starting pitcher from the stands and threw a fit. It’s not like we hadn’t done that before, so I have no idea what the problem was, but he refused to let us play without a starting pitcher. Kristin readily admitted to us on Sunday that he didn’t think he could do it, but we had no choice; Aaron Cook was the only other option, as he would also be pitching on 4 days rest, but he forgot his glove,” Beth said.

The individual leaders among the starters were: wins, Kristin, Aaron Harang, Carlos S., and Aaron Cook (1); strike-outs, Carlos S. (7); ERA, Aaron H. (1.29), and WHIP (0.88)

“It was my goal to strike-out more players than Brad [Halsey] this week, and Beth and Dawn gave me two chances to beat him, but it wasn’t happening. I feel better that Carlos S. didn’t beat Brad, either, with two starts. That kid's a mad strike-out machine," Kristin said in awe.

Among the relievers, the leaders were: wins, Ambiorix Burgos and Julio Mateo (1); saves, Ambiorix (1); strike-outs, Brad (8); Holds, Brad (1); ERA, Rheal Cormier (0.00); and WHIP (0.90).

“It was a good week. My pitches were all working earlier this week and it felt good. I kinda wrecked my ERA on Saturday, though. I was just kinda tired and gave up a few too many hits. I’m ready to take on this week, though,” Brad said.

This week the 13th place Sass match-up with the 12th place Johan es mi novio team, in what is hoped to be a good competition.

“A good solid week of hitting and pitching and we could move up in the standings. That would be fun. We’re now heading into a tough portion of our schedule. We need to take this momentum and fight to the end,” Dawn said.