Notes: New Additions to Sass Stadium

New mascot requires stadium changes
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- When the Sassians returned to Sass Stadium on Thursday, they found some changes had been made to the ballpark. In the clubhouse and in an area just off the third base line, there have been glass-walled rooms set up for penguins. Beth and Dawn announced that that Here for the Sass's official team mascot was a penguin, and they felt like sharing the joys of penguins with all fans and players at Sass Park.

"We couldn't decide whether we wanted the penguins back in the clubhouse, where we would see them often, or if they should be somewhere where the fans could see them. After talking with contractors to build the cooled rooms, it was discovered that it was feasible from an architecture standpoint to do both. Our accountant, olbiemn, informed us that our budget would allow to create enclosures in both places," Dawn said.

The starting rotation has volunteered to care for the penguins.

There are various images and statues of penguins throughout Sass Stadium, including the outfield wall being covered with pictures of penguins.

“It looks like I’m being surrounded by penguins when I’m standing out there--they totally look real,” outfielder Michael Cuddyer said. “But, hey! It’s penguins. I don’t mind it at all. But I’m kinda glad they didn’t pick tigers that were crouched to pounce.”

Monopoly Champion crowned: The Here for the Sass All-Star Break Monopoly Tournament was finally finished before the first game of the second half on Thursday. Dawn was declared the ultimate winner of the game, but spectators did say that it was quite possibly the craziest game of Monopoly they ever witnessed.

Dawn was declared the winner because at the end, she visibly owned the most property, and neither Beth nor Dawn had any money. It was pointed out that Beth burned her pile of Monopoly money and roasted marshmallows over it, while Dawn took a more creative route of folding her money into origami pieces and giving it away children present. Witnesses to the event said they did see, but had no proof, that Beth and Dawn were passing property titles under the table. The game ended when the players officiating realized that Dawn owned two pieces of property (both mortgaged for money to fold in origami), and Beth owned none, and there were no property titles owned by the bank.

The titles to the properties have been showing up all over Sass Stadium. As Beth and Dawn only briefly left the playing table for bathroom breaks, no one is quite certain what happened to the titles, and Beth and Dawn aren’t telling. The title to B&O railroad showed up in the Sass shower room, while outfielder Adam Dunn found the title to Reading Railroad replacing one of his bookmarks.

“We’re a bit puzzled,” outfielder Rocco Baldelli said. “They had no chances to get away to hide all these property titles, and the titles disappeared so slowly, none of us are quite when they disappeared or where they went to. Beth and Dawn assured us at the end of the game that they did not have them, and we know they don’t lie.”

Banning: There are very few things that the Here for the Sass ban in their clubhouse. Anything illegal, of course, is banned, and anything that’s just in bad taste. However, Beth and Dawn did announce they were adding something to the list, as Monopoly is now banned from the clubhouse.

“I don’t care if some of the guys like it,” Beth said, “I don’t EVER want to be involved in a Monopoly tournament again. And by banning monopoly, that means there is absolutely no chance of it again.”

Sass pitcher Chan Ho Park, who started the tournament is on alert for revenge from Dawn.

“I swear, if I ever get any proof that it was his idea that Beth and I play, he’s going to be sent to the New York Black Holes,” Dawn said, eyeing Chan Ho suspiciously.

Jealousy rages: On Thursday evening, Dawn discovered Little Nicky Punto flirting with .300. She immediately intervened with the flirtation, and gave Little Nicky a stern talking to after the game. The discussion was private in the manager’s office, while Beth was on the field talking to the media.

Intervention averted: Because of ailments that have bothered her for most of the season, Sass owner and manager Beth has reported getting cough medicine from the physicians in Nice. It wasn’t until recently that she admitted that the cough syrup contained codeine, although Sassians did say that it explained her sleepiness and loopiness lately. Dawn staged and intervention, but Sass physicians reported that she has not yet abused the medication.

Dawn did point out her completely random point-giving in the Bat Cave as an example that the codeine abuse might be out of hand. However, since Beth has given up her duties as Pointmistress, life in the Sass clubhouse has returned to it’s version of normal.

Winning: As it's likely the only time this week she'll be able to say this, Beth was quite pleased to announce late Thursday that so far the Here for the Sass had a shut-out held over Go Boom!, with a 7-0 score. The Sassians hope to play well this week, but fully expect Go Boom! to make a good comeback.

"But Adam stole a base. Yes! Adam!" Beth exclaimed.

Coming up: In an attempt to get every single possible into the competition this week, Aaron Harang and Kristin Benson will start on Friday, Aaron Cook will start on Saturday, and Chan Ho and Carlos Silva will start on Sunday.

Beth has placed copies of the "A Guide to Perfect Handwriting" in the clubhouse and bullpen. The Sass pitchers will be required to write letters of apology to the rest of the team, the management, and the fans, if they produce a poor performance. Relievers Justin Duchschererererer and Brad Halsey stepped up their game by putting up a lot of zeros.

Beth and Dawn announced that the That is a Very Bad Idea presentation has been retired to the depths of the Sass storage room.