Notes: New celebration for team

An apple a day…
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team had a new after-game celebration on Thursday, holding an “Apple Party” in the clubhouse after the game. Both Beth and Dawn felt that they had too many parties recently featuring high-calorie and unhealthy foods, and decided they would honor the good eating habits they try to install in the Sassians. When Jermaine Dye went 2-4, Beth declared that they would have an Apple Party. Doug Mientkiewicz and Adam Dunn both later hit home runs, to add the celebrations.

“These guys are athletes, and most of them are still young men, so they weren’t hurt by the extra calories in cupcakes and ice cream,” Beth said, “But it’s come to the point where we think we need to remind them that healthy foods can be party foods, too. We’d like them to stay fit and healthy.”

Jermaine, Adam, and Doug picked Golden Delicious and Fuji apples for the party.

“Next time we’re having Braeburn,” Dawn said, “Those are the best.”

Beth was heard arguing the benefits of Gala apples. Justin Duchscherererer was arguing about the differences between Apples and Windows computers.

Happy Birthday! Sass second baseman Mark Grudzielanek celebrates his 36th birthday today and Sass pitcher Chan Ho Park will celebrate his 33rd Birthday. The Sass will let Mark rest on the bench after playing yesterday, and balloons and birthday cake will be in the dugout and bullpen during the game. They will allow Chan Ho to take the mound and pitching in the first game of the holiday weekend. During the seventh inning stretch, “Happy Birthday” will follow “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”

“Whoa. They’re old,” said Sass closer Ambiorix Burgos in awe, who turned 22 earlier this year. “I didn’t know you could play professional baseball that long. That is so cool.”

Rocco Baldelli will cook the post-game meal with a menu that Mark and Chan Ho will provide.

Chan at Bat: Because of the BFL rules, Beth and Dawn found themselves limited in their choices of fielders, pitchers, and hitters on Thursday. This became an issue when they needed a pinch hitter late in the game. “Frankly, our choices weren’t very open,” Beth said, “There were no position players left, so we ended up sending Chan to the plate. As a pitcher, he doesn’t often get to pinch-hit, but there comes a time when you need to take desperate measures. And, for a pitcher, his batting average wasn’t that bad.”

Chan’s batting average was .360 coming into the game, but he flew out to end the inning.

Lunch time!: Sassian Doug Mientkiewicz hit a home run on Thursday off of Sass pitching coach Bronson Arroyo. As a thank-you, Doug was able to bribe Rocco into making a lunch using a menu drawn up by Bronson.

“I do love to cook, and I love planning menus,” Rocco said, “But I do have to admit sometimes it’s nice to have that decision made for me. So today is like a day off, with the menus being planned, and I even got Doug to do the grocery shopping for me!”

Gold Star: Beth randomly gives out gold stars to players for superb performances. On Thursday, Dawn earned a gold star for properly answering a Word Problem relating to apples. Dawn was able to correctly deduce that if she bought 9 apples, and she ate one, she would have 8 left.

Weekend series: Friday night, the Sassians will put Chan Ho Park on the mound, Saturday will see Carlos Silva pitching, and on Sunday then entire starting rotation is going to spend the afternoon singing in the Sass Park Gazebo to celebrate the Fourth of July (a little early), leaving Beth and Dawn to decide if they’ll pick a pitcher from the fans, front office, or the relievers.

Notes: Refresher course for pitchers

What to do; What not to do
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass announced that the entire pitching staff, with the exception of Carlos Silva, will be required to attend the “That is a Very Bad Idea” presentation that will . Earlier this year, after the Sass played the Assassins, Beth and Dawn gave the presentation for the first time. The purpose of the presentation is to remind the pitching staff that playing to lose is a very bad idea, and that neither manager appreciates the “Who Can Do Worse” competition.

“I noticed after Carlos S.’s pitching on Monday, that the entire Sass staff seemed to start pitching like they were little league players. You might say that Aaron [Harang}’s performance was pretty good based on ERA and WHIP, but we hired him to strike people out,” Beth said.

Relief pitcher Brad Halsey has just as many strike-outs as Aaron H. in 5 fewer innings. Beth and Dawn did note that she wasn't upset with Aaron H., but just concerned about how he might be affected by other Sassian pitchers in future games.

"He might decide to compete to get a worse ERA to go with the strike-outs, and that is highly frowned upon," Dawn said.

The only members of the starting rotation who were present for the first round of the presentation were Carlos S. and Kristin Benson. Kristin was the best pitcher for the Sass the last time the starting rotation held the competition, so the belief in the front office is that he felt the need to win the competition this time, by pitching the worst.

“Obviously, Carlos S. got the message last time,” Dawn said, “But Kristin did not, so he will definitely be required to sit through the presentation as a refresher.”

The relief corps will also be required to attend the lecture, as Beth and Dawn cannot really remember who was on the team last time, and Beth lost the attendance sheet.

“It’s on my desk somewhere, but I’ve got no idea where,” Beth said, looking at the piles of paper surrounding her.

Cookie! Little Nicky Punto collected his cookie from Beth after the game on Wednesday. Sitting on the bench in the dugout in the game, Beth randomly turned to Little Nicky and said, “I’ll give you a cookie if you get a hit in this at-bat.” Little Nicky delivered a solid single to right in his next at-bat.

Delay in game: Wednesday’s game was delayed briefly when Beth ran out to the field to fix second base. While it was securely in place, Beth noticed that it was not quite squarely lined up with first and third base, and she found that disconcerting. Play resumed after the brief time-out for Beth to fix the problem.

This prompted teasing harassment by the Sassians in the dugout, often referring to Beth as obsessive.

“It wouldn’t be called obsessive if you guys would just notice things!” Beth said, jokingly.

Umpiring troubles continue: The Sass have had some umpiring problems all year, particularly in regards to the agreement of the strike zone. Relief pitcher Justin Duchschererererer has managed to hack into the scoreboards, so he has taken to putting up balls and strikes as they actually happen, and not necessarily what the umpire calls.

“It saves us so much time and energy when we know that the right calls are being made. It was getting annoying being ejected so many times arguing that the umpires were messing up calls. There are some good umpires out there, but we’d like to make sure all the calls are the right ones,” Beth said.

Beth and Dawn have been ejected a few times for arguing balls and strikes, although not quite as many as Nick of Mockball Madness. So far both have evaded being suspended for their ejections. But how much have they been fined for their ejections?

“I think a better question is how much have we paid for being ejected, which is zero,” Dawn said, “Commissioner SBGF, for all his talk, is just a big baby, and really has no authority to collect fines, even if he is the Commissioner.”

Upcoming Events: Fans are reminded that they will need to get their tickets for this weekend’s series. Very few seats remain for Saturday’s and Sunday’s games. Saturday the Sass will celebrate Canada Day, with free mini-Canadian flags to be given to all fans entering the park. Rheal Cormier, the only Canadian Sassian, will lead the fans in singing the Canadian national anthem, “O Canada” before the game.

Because the Sass will be out of town on the Fourth of July, the Sassians will celebrate the Fourth on Sunday. All fans attending the game will receive a mini-American flag, as well as a copy of the Declaration of Independence. All American Sassians will lead the National anthem, “The Star Spangled Banner”, before the game.

Tonight: Tonight is a league-required minimal-playing time evening. The Sassians will only be able to play a few players. There will be no starting pitching tonight, as all will be required to take part in a team bonding exercise after the “That is a Very Bad Idea” presentation. All relievers will be available for use, however. They will be playing without a third baseman, shortstop, and utility player to comply with league mandate.

Notes: Playing Small Ball

Morning croquet brings short results
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- Six members of the Here for the Sass team decided to hold a small croquet tournament Tuesday morning before the game. Aaron Harang, Adam Dunn, and Jon Rauch competed as The Tall Team against Little Nicky Punto, Placido Polanco and Rheal Cormier, The Short Team, in a croquet tournament before Tuesday's game. The Small Team won in outstanding fashion.

"It was totally unfair," Aaron H. said, "Those little guys are small enough that they were pushing the balls under the loops. We can't even get our feet under them."

Polanco disagreed that it was unfair. "Those guys can walk entirely across the croquet lawn with two steps. It's about sixty for me, and poor Little Nicky needs a rest after running that far."

The Tall Team bought lunch for the Small Team as their reward for winning, and have challenged them to a volleyball game as a rematch. The Small Team countered with a rematch of Basketball.

"I've always wanted to have a 6-foot and under basketball league. I'll settle for a team right now," Little Nicky said.

New Uniforms soon to debut: Equipment and Uniform Manager Kat and Brandon Medders came out of the equipment and uniform room and said they are "very close" to being finished with the new Sass uniforms. This is a much anticipated re-design of the old uniforms, which have been used since April. Fans and players are ready for a change of pace.

“It seems like we’ve been wearing these forever,” said outfielder Juan Encarnacion. “I’m looking forward to changing things up. Alas, Beth and Dawn have vetoed having six alternate home jerseys and ten alternate road jerseys. That would be totally cool to not be wearing the same ole thing every day. And so far I haven’t been able to bribe Brandon and Kat into making them anyway.”

Other Sassians were taken completely by surprise by the news.

“We’re getting new uniforms? I don’t even know what the old ones look like,” said catcher A.J. Pierzynski. “I just put on whatever is hanging in my locker. I have no idea what they look like. I doubt I’ll notice a change.”

Upon hearing that, Carlos Silva and Little Nicky were seen in a private conversation giggling, and it was concluded that a collusion was occurring.

DL Update du Jour: On Tuesday, Edwin Encarnacion was to begin his rehab assignment with the Nice Nice Guys. E.e. has been on the DL since June 7 with a sprained ankle.

Tomo Ohka, who has been on the DL since May 2 with a Partial right rotator cuff tear will join the Nice Guys on rehab starting on Saturday.

Recently: Julio Mateo gave up one run without recording an out Tuesday night. "That was not exactly my most stellar performance," Julio said, putting him in the lead for "understatement of the week." Conversely, Brad Halsey has pitched two innings this week and has taken the lead in the strike-out category for the team, which some starters are taking as a challenge. Kristin Benson, who managed to not get a single strike-out in eight innings last week, has vowed to at least get ahead of Brad.

"That's a little embarrassing. Aaron C. and Carlos S.--neither of them are strike-out guys, so it's no big deal if a reliever has more than them. I'm no where near the league of Aaron H., but I usually get my fair share of Ks. This week, I hope to actually do something productive with my time," Kristin said.

Tonight: A simultaneous double-header will be played, with Kristin pitching in one game, and Aaron in the other. The bench players, relief pitchers, and Sass Front Office will field for both games, with help from those not currently up to bat.

Notes: Starting off the week right

Managers in and out
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team was left under the care of Clubhouse Manager Rach and Equipment and Uniform Manager Kat. Team Accountant olbiemn and Photographer Kafumbly were both available to help. Monday night, Dawn has class at a local university, and Beth was busy with her non-baseball hobby.

Beth popped into the stadium not long after the game started to the surprise to see Sass outfielder Rocco Baldelli had just hit a home run. Beth was able to congratulate him in the dugout.

Beth was able to catch the last inning of the game from the stands, when the Sass emerged victorious in a 6-3 win over the Destroyers.

“We’re glad to start the week off right, with an excellent performance by our starting pitcher, and an excellent performance by our relief pitcher. Most of our batters were on their game, too. It looks to be an exciting week,” Beth said.

Hit with a pitch: Dawn announced on Monday night that Sass pitcher Rheal Cormier will get a bonus of Mrs. Guilllen's cookies, because he hit blah blah blah Derek Jeter with a pitch.

"What’s so special about Rheal hitting some random guy?" Beth asked, "I've never heard of him."

Beth was assured that Jeter was someone who played for the Yankees and hitting him with a pitch is a good thing. Upon hearing "Yankees", she was immediately in favor of a double bonus.

Ice Cream Sundaes: In honor of the Sass win over Gassner’s All-stars, an ice cream party was held after the game Monday, with the special bonus of DL Vanilla, a rare treat, since it’s only produced and sold in Nice.

“Wow, I missed this,” relief pitcher Justin Duchscherererer said, “I think I’m going to move to Nice for the off-season, just for the ice cream.”

“Fortunately, all the flavors of Sass Ice Cream are so good, and it really was a special treat to get DL Vanilla,“ pitcher Aaron Harang said. “But I swear, if I ever get to pick, we’re having Pancake Cake cupcakes with Pancake Cake ice cream.”

Good news from the DL: Third baseman Edwin Encarnacion has started playing in rehab assignment games with the Nice Nice Guys. Trainers say he is looking pretty good out there, but they really couldn’t put a date on his return. They say he still favors his left ankle. He has insisted that he’s felt no pain, but the trainers are not convinced, and would like to see him play with the forceful style he exhibited earlier in the year.

“I’m really anxious to get back,” e.e. said, “It’s a little frustrating to me, personally, but I know the trainers are trying to do what is best.”

Sass pitcher Grant Balfour who has not seen active playing time since 2004 will start throwing bullpen sessions, bringing up hopes that he could start rehab relatively soon. Because he has not pitched in so long, the trainers have no timetable for a return.

Sass pitchers Tomo Ohka started pitching from the mound, and will be facing live batters in batting practice shortly. If all goes well, he will be put on a rehab assignment, too.

“The fans in Nice are loving all these major league players. They bring forth a quality of play that AA teams don’t usually have,” said Dawn. Dawn’s experiences on the DL in Nice have her very familiar with the fans and community.

Matt Guerrier may be allowed to start tossing the ball next week, although he will not pitching from the mound yet.

“I’m so anxious to get back,” Matt said, “I really want to get back before Grant. I know Grant was Bullpen Boyfriend before me, and I’m kinda afraid of losing that spot.”

Grant is currently leading the Chutes and Ladders competition, but Tomo Ohka is a close second.

Coming up: Tonight, the Sass will send pitcher Aaron Cook out to the mound. In his last outing, he had his best outing of the year, pitching eight innings of one-run ball. The bullpen is reminded that giving up leads that Aaron C. has worked so hard to maintain was not something that pleases the Sass management.

Week Twelve: Summary of Series

Moving on up!
Things start falling in place for Sass
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

The Here for the Sass team moved up in rankings on with their performance last week, beating Gassner’s All-stars with a final score of 7-2, with 3 ties.

“We would’ve won, if only Dave Gassner wasn’t on the DL!” owner and manager Ryan said, sadly. “We’ve just been getting more and more depressed about his injury as the weeks go on, and it’s showing in our rankings.”

This week, the Sass did well, but power dominance was not their forte, as they lost in home runs and strike-outs. The bullpen, which is usually solid, had an off-week. While they did manage to win the hold category again, they also managed to blow some leads the starting rotation had.

“It sucked. Kristin and I both went eight innings, giving up one run, only to get a no decision,” starting pitcher Aaron Cook said. “I’m not mad, though. They’ve been so solid and backed us up so many times, I can’t complain when they have a bad week.”

The final results for the team were: runs (37-28), home runs (4-8), RBIs (28-26), stolen bases (4-2), walks (24-24), batting average (.270-.251), wins (2-2), saves (2-2), strike-outs (31-42), holds (3-2), ERA (3.06-4.09), WHIP (1.24-1.26).

“That’s pretty impressive all around,” Beth said, “I like to see things are starting to gel. The All-stars are not an easy team to beat, and they fought all the way until the end. Our guys got a little lax towards the end, as they’re wont to do, but they didn’t completely whither, which is an improvement.”

The hitting put on a solid performance. Placido Polanco led the team, scoring 6 runs. Four Sassians--A.J. Pierzynski, Adam Dunn, Rocoo Baldelli, and Michael Cuddyer--each had 1home run, so no leader emerged. Michael Cuddyer led the team with his 5 RBIs. Juan Encnarnacion led the team with two stolen bases. Adam Dunn and Carlos Guillen led the team having 4 walks each. The batting average title, with an impressive .353, was held by both Rocco Baldelli and JEn.

“It was more of small-ball week, obviously,” Michael Cuddyer said, “There wasn’t a lot of home runs, but we were still moving people over and scoring some runs. It would’ve been nice to win the walks category, but we faced some tough pitching this week. We were making some solid contact with the ball, for sure.”

Even the bench had a fairly solid week, with Emil Brown batting .400. Both Emil and Mark Grudzielanek had 3 RBIs, while Mark scored 3 runs and had 1 walk.

“The bench did well, too. It’s nice to see them stepping up to the plate when we ask them to,” Beth said.

The starting pitching stepped up their performance this week, with Aaron Harang clearly leading the way with 1 win, 6 strike-outs, and a 0.00 ERA. Aaron C. had a team-leading 0.63 WHIP.

“Really, what our starting pitching did this week was stellar. Any other week, Aaron C.’s and Kristin’s 1.13 ERAs, or Aaron H.’s and Kristin’s 1.00 WHIPs would’ve been worthy of a the leader of the week, but this week, there was just too much going for us. I’m very pleased with the work our guys did,” Beth said.

The bullpen had less to be proud of, other than winning the hold category, and tying the saves category.

Ambiorix Burgos was the clear leader, with two saves and a relief-pitching-leading 1.20 WHIP. Jon Rauch and Ambiorix both had 4 strike-outs and a 2.70 ERA, to lead the relief pitchers. Rheal Cormier’s 2 holds led the team, and Julio Mateo had the only win of the bullpen.

“Well, they’ve been better,” Dawn said, “But I ain’t complaining.”

The Sass moved up a position, to 13th place, by beating Gassner’s All-Stars, and will enjoy DL Vanilla sometime this week.

“We really need to get as many points as we can. We end the season facing the same difficult teams we faced earlier this year. I’d really like to see some momentum going when we get to the end, and the time to start rolling is now,” Beth said.

Notes: More hellos and good-byes

Surprising return from the past
By Beth / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- Sassians walked into the clubhouse Friday afternoon to notice something unusual. Justin Duchscherererererer’s computer was put together. Since he left for a stint on the DL, his computer had been in pieces in front of his locker. Rumors quickly spread through the clubhouse, assuming that possibly new accountant olbiemn was a computer nerd, too, and put it back together. A few Sassians speculated that Justin actually returned to the team, but those were quickly dismissed as wild, crazy dreams.

However, after the game Friday, the team was in the clubhouse, and Justin walked in, returning from a final test of pitching against major league hitters by doing a final tune-up game with the Oakland A’s, which was deemed a success.

“It’s so good to be back,” Justin said, with obvious delight, “Nice is a great place, and the other guys on the DL are awesome, but it’s just nice to be back with the team--back with the guys--and ladies--I know.”

The management was equally delighted to see Justin back, and welcomed him with great glee.

“Justin’s back! Justin’s back!” Beth shouted as he entered the clubhouse. Beth and Justin were seen over the weekend looking at some new stats software Justin had been working on while on the DL.

Good-bye? With the return of Justin to the line-up, Beth and Dawn went with the agonizing decision of who to cut. Looking through rankings, stats, and finally flipping coins, Beth and Dawn decided that Brandon Medders was currently needed more by Equipment and Uniform Manager KatHarriet. Kat is currently redesigning the uniforms, and Brandon had been assisting her.

“We’re very excited about these new uniforms,” Dawn said, “We’d like to get them out in the field as soon as possible. It made more sense to get Brandon concentrating full-time on the uniforms rather than wasting away in the bullpen. Justin and Brandon had nearly the same role on the team, and, frankly, Justin has a better last name.”

When the uniforms are completed, Brandon and Kat will then work on preventive-health care initiatives, with hopes they’ll find solutions to the oft-occurring injuries by Sassians.

“I love working with Kat,” Brandon said, bubbling over with excitement, “Her effervescent personality keeps the mood light, and there is rarely a moment where we’re not laughing.”

If a solution to the injuries is found, the Sass made sell their ideas to the Jello Fighters, who have been, unbelievably to Sass fans, having more of a problem with injuries than the Sass.

Time out!: Sass manager Dawn called a time-out during games this weekend. Little Nicky Punto played third base all weekend for the Sass, and, per his usual gung-ho playing style, ended up sliding in the dirt. Dawn often had to call for time to brush the dirt off of Little Nicky’s uniform.

“The Sass have a reputation of style to maintain,” Dawn said, “And the dirty uniform just wrecks the whole image. We have no intentions of making Little Nicky stop his style of play. We enjoy the fact that he’s willing to get his uniform dirty by trying his hardest to get to base.”

Ice Cream Party: The Sass won the series against Gassner’s All-stars this week, prompting the promised party with DL Vanilla Ice Cream. They are currently working on getting a shipment from Nice, and it’s believed that the party will be held after the game on Monday.

Reflections: With many of the Sass players being taller--Jon Rauch and Aaron Harang both are over 6’7”--the shorter members of the Sass have started to wear shoes with reflective stripes.

“I’m afraid that during a close play near the mound or first, where we both go to cover, those two pitchers might run me over. I’m hoping the shiny things will attract their eyes and they’ll notice that I’m down there,” Placido Polanco said.

Coming up: This week the 13th place Sass face the 18th place Destroyers.

“It should be a fun week. It won’t be long before we start facing the top ranked teams again. Our schedule this year is very unbalanced, facing the top five teams twice, and the bottom five teams once,” Dawn said.

Tonight: Tonight, the Sass send pitcher Carlos Silva to the mound.

“This could be an extra challenge for him,” Beth said, gleefully, “He’ll be playing without a catcher, first baseman, and he’ll be short one outfielder. Michael Cuddyer is playing utility, again, and he has experience at both first and the outfielder. The catching could be fun.” Rheal Cormier is the only relief pitcher available tonight.

The Sass vaguely mentioned their intention to have olbiemn fill in as catcher, after her admirable job pitching on Sunday, and Kat filling in at first base, but the line-up has not been set yet.

Notes: New front office personnel

After months, an accountant was hired
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team announced on Thursday night that they had hired an accountant. Previously, pitcher Aaron Cook had been filling in the accounting role, but it seemed on days he pitched things would get behind, and he’d spend the next four days trying to catch up. As he got further behind, the Sass front office realized that a full-time accountant was needed. As the rumors of the position started rumbling, the Sass front office started getting resumes. One stood out, however, and olbiemn “T” was hired almost immediately.

“We’re looking forward to having her here. Aaron C. said he’d be happy to help out when needed, and he’ll be sure to help train her in, and show her our processes. We’re very excited to have T. on board,” Dawn said.

T. started immediately, and was there to greet the team as they returned to Minneapolis.

Party! Watching the game on Thursday, Beth and Dawn were stunned that Adam Dunn, who had gone 2-28 in his previous seven games, actually got a hit, and requested Clubhouse Manager Rach order cupcakes to celebrate. When Adam got a second hit in the game, Beth sent another Memo up to the clubhouse, where Rach was playing cards with Carlos Guillen, requesting balloons be ordered.

“I have programmed the number of Ghetto Cub in the fax machine,” Rach said.

Beth later tried to fax Ghetto Cub, but her failings with fax machines became readily apparently, so she ended up calling Ghetto Cub to tell them Mrs. Restovich, wife of hitting coach Michael Restovich, would be picking up the cupcakes and balloons.

Mrs. Restovich met the team at the airport when they returned to Minneapolis, and a party was held on the bus taking them back to Sass Stadium. Unlike most teams, Sassians prefer to drive to Sass Stadium and take the team bus to and from the airport.

“We are always anxious to get home after a long road trip, but it’s also kinda like a time when we can spend a little bit of decompression time between being on the road and at home. It’s a little time to adjust. Besides, Carlos S. [Silva] gets silly when he’s tired late at night, and that’s just something that shouldn’t be missed,” sass reliever Julio Mateo said.

Winning: Dawn tapped Beth on the shoulder late in the game on Thursday. “We’ve moved ahead of Ryan,” she said.

Indeed, with the surge last night, the Here for the Sass team did move ahead of Gassner’s All-stars, managed by Ryan, in the BFL. Although the rankings are never final until the series is final, the Sass were happy for the small, one-day victory.

“If only we can keep up this hitting and pitching stuff,” Beth said, “I know the boys like the weekends off--just like a regular job. I’ve told them they have to work overtime this weekend, so I’m hoping that works.”

Beth and Dawn have promised to get Sass DL Vanilla ice cream in the locker room if the Sass win over Gassner’s All-stars and move up in the rankings.

Coming up: Tonight, Aaron Harang will take the mound, hoping for the first win by a Sass starting pitcher. All three previous starters had quality starts, but none have been able to pick up the win, due to some bullpen meltdowns. Saturday will see Chan Ho Park facing Gassner’s All-stars for the first time this season.

Sunday will be an off-day for the starting pitching, who will have put in enough work for the week. If relief pitchers are unavailable to start, T. will take the mound, showing off her mad softball pitching skills.

Notes: Extra batting practice helping most

Some baffling cases
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

HOUSTON -- The Here for the Sass team has been taking extra batting practice this week with hitting coach Michael Restovich. The team is leading in the weekly match-up with Gassner’s All-stars, managed by Ryan.

“No weekends off, boys,” Dawn announced, recalling earlier match-ups where the Sass would lead all week, and then take the weekends off.

Juan Encarncion has had a complete turn-around from his slow start, and is batting .667 on the week, while Rocco Baldelli and Mark Grudzielanek are both hitting .500.

“This could change very quickly, of course,” JEn said, “But I’m quite pleased with how well I’ve been hitting so far. Mikey and I have worked a lot.”

But on the other hand, first baseman Adam Dunn is hitting not only below the Mendoza Line, but below what Beth has dubbed the “Blanco Line,” named for former Twins and current Cubs catcher Henry Blanco. Adam’s batting average this week is at .091. Little Nicky Punto is not much ahead at .125, and Michael Cuddyer’s .250 isn’t exactly worth writing home about.

“To be honest, Mikey’s always been one of my best friends,” Michael said, “So batting practice probably doesn’t go as well for us, ‘cause we’re as focused. We need to work on that, for sure.”

Beth and Dawn have decided that they will continue with the regimen of extra batting practice.

That’s Quality! Both starting pitchers yesterday pitched quality starts, with Carlos Silva giving up three runs in six innings, and Aaron Cook giving up one run in eight innings. However, due to bullpen failures, neither starter got the coveted win. However, Julio Mateo was able to finish things off in fine fashion to pick up the win.

“It’s nice to see not one, but two quality starts,” Beth said, “We’re a little perturbed about our bullpen, but there was a Lyle Kohse sighting, so we’re not sure how upset we should be. We have called the New York Black Holes, and they assured us that they would keep a better eye on him there.”

“We really miss Matt,” Dawn lamented. The bullpen is still missing Matt Guerrier who is out with a fractured bone in his right thumb, and the Sass have yet to find a suitable replacement for the long relief role.

Carlos S. had a rough start to the year, but has shown remarkable improvement in recent outings. He told reporters that a former teammate, Juan Castro, pointed out that his attitude was different on days he pitched. Carlos S. decided he would try to have more fun on days he pitched.

"I'm making a bit of jokes and trying to make it like any other day," Silva said. "Today I have to pitch, but it's just like any other day. I just have to concentrate and try to relax."

Both pitchers struck out five, and they are tied for fifth place in MLB, with 14.24 pitches/inning.

On the mend: Justin Duchscherererer has played two re-hab games Nice without surrendering a run. He likely will join the team on Friday on their return home to Minneapolis, taking a flight on the newly formed Sass Air.

“I can’t wait. It’ll be great to see the guys again. Besides, I’m really sucking at Chutes and Ladders,” Justin said.

Edwin Encarnacion is expected back within the next week or so. He’s eligible to come off the DL today from his sprained ankle. He says he does not feel any pain, but trainers watching his fielding think he still has more work to do before they’d feel comfortable sending him back to Minneapolis.

“Or, that’s what I get out of the Memo,” Beth said, “It might’ve said that e.e. is planning on joining a punk band and their first tour stop is in Minneapolis. I’ve gotta talk to Sarah for a translation.”

Tonight:Tonight, Kristin Benson will take the mound for the Sass. Pitching coach Bronson Arroyo will be in town to watch the game, and will work with the pitchers before the game.

Notes: Hitting the ball: a novel concept

Extra batting practice leads to extra runs
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

HOUSTON -- The Here for the Sass team took extra batting practice before the game on Tuesday, resulting in some spectacular hitting in the game.

“I thought it would be good for them to adjust to the nuances of the park. For the lefties, hitting the ball the opposite way is much more productive than it is in other parks,” hitting coach Michael Restovich said.

The Sass managed to get three home runs out the park on Tuesday evening, scoring a total of 12 runs.

Kat pitched well in her BFL debut, but the bullpen had troubles, giving up 4 runs in under 3 innings, but two of them managed to keep things together for holds.

All-Star Voting: Beth and Dawn both shrugged when asked if any of their players were going to the All Star game. “I suppose there’s a chance,” Beth said, “But with our team having the slow start, I’m not sure if anyone is noticing how well they’re doing.”

Unlike MLB, the BFL rules do not insist that every team have a representative, meaning that it’s possible that no Sassian will be represented in the game.

“I’m okay with that,” said outfielder Jermaine Dye, the most likely player to make it. “I know as a team, the Sassians will have fun, even if we’re not at the game. We might all fly out to Nice to hang out with whoever is on the DL then.”

Upon hearing that, Kat immediately put in another order for bubblewrap. “We’re not going to put anyone else on the DL before then if I can do anything about it,” she said, checking the supply of duct tape.

Quotable: "If a guy hits your guys and it looks like it's on purpose, you hit the guy and retaliate," reliever Justin Duchschererererer said. "It's an understood rule of protecting your players, or you won't have the respect of your teammates and somebody else is going to get hurt."*

New Promotion Friday Night: The Sass will return home Friday night after their long road trip, to play Gassner’s All-Stars at home. The Friday night “Welcome Home” promotion will be Welcome mats for all fans over 18 attending the game. Fans are reminded that only limited tickets are available, so they should call the Sass Ticket Office if they still have not purchased their tickets.

Tonight: Dawn and Beth have decided to go with the dual-starters game again, to avoid too much stress on the bullpen and to make up for the lost game Tuesday. Aaron Cook and Carlos Silva will both take the mound for tonight’s game.

*Again, a real quote.

Notes: Sass Airlines starting Friday

Hoping to make money out of misery
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass front offices noticed they were often flying their private plane to and from Nice, and sometimes it seemed to be almost daily. Never ones to let opportunity pass them by, Beth and Dawn have now started a sub-venture of Here for the Sass, Inc., of airline service from Minneapolis to Nice, on a daily basis.

“With the players and front office staff often going to Nice for injuries and illnesses, and often enough the managers flying out to Nice to check on injured or ill players, it only made sense to make some money off of it. The planes usually have enough extra room for at least a couple of passengers,” Dawn said.

Sass Airlines will run a daily flight, with seating for up to ten people, depending on how much room is needed for Sassians flying to or from Nice. The plane is a luxury jet, with plenty of room to stretch the legs, and the seats fully recline for those wishing to sleep.

Those wishing to take a flight with Sass Airlines may call the Sass front office, or may book their flight online. Flights leave daily.

Apple Conspiracy: Last week, the Sass noticed something different about the eating habits of Beth and Dawn. Both managers usually have an apple for lunch, but last week they did not have any.

“BFL Commissioner SBGF banned apples,” Dawn explained, “He heard the saying “An apple a day keeps the doctor away” and felt that apples must be related to steroids and banned them.”

While SBGF would not back down from his apple ban, the rest of the BFL have decided to ignore the ban, and apples are allowed. Doctors and trainers in Nice have said there is absolutely nothing about apples that would keep doctors away.

“It’s not that we were obediently following his rules, though,” Beth said, “Dawn and I just both forgot to bring them for lunch.”

The apple ban from SBGF did come as a surprise. He’d mostly been ignoring the league in favor of feeding his ego by acting in some small theater in the east.

You did what? Beth was ready to put Sass pitcher Brad Halsey into the game Monday, when he told her he felt tired and didn’t think he was able to.

“I was befuddled,” Beth said, “I didn’t remember him pitching in a long time, so I thought he’d be anxious to get out there.”

Brad reminded Beth that he pitched five innings in the 17-inning marathon game on Saturday.

“You did what? Why don’t I remember this?” Beth asked.

Box scores proved Brad’s statement, and Rheal Cormier was sent in instead.

“Beth has no memory at all. I’m sure she remembers Saturday’s game, but who pitched and hit and played would all be a fuzzy memory to her. It is a bit more surprising she forgot Brad’s five-inning, shut-out performance towards the end of the game, though,” Dawn said, noting that she watched the game from Nice.

Tonight: After a day of limited play, the Sass will return a full team to the field tonight. However, the starting pitching staff all reported feeling a little tired after their work last night, so the have decided that Kat will make her pitching debut, with many relief pitchers ready to support her, should the umpires not give her a fair strike zone.

Week Eleven: Summary of Series

Sass win, again!
Ranking remains steady, but wins are keeping them up
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

PITTSBURGH -- Wins have always been in short supply for the Sass, particularly with their penchant for visiting the DL, and for the occasional meltdowns by various members of the staff. So Sunday night, Dawn announced to the assembled Sassians that the Sass had pulled out an 8-4 victory over the Wombats.

“It’s so much fun to announce a win. We’ve been winning more lately. We’re still in 14th place, but that’s so much better than 18th place where we spent most of the early part of the season,” Dawn said.

It was pointed out that the Sass faced many of the top teams in the BFL the first weeks.

“That’s no excuse for losing as much as we did, though,” Beth said, “We really had some unfortunately playing, and it’s nice to see that a few trades and a few turn-arounds by some key Sassians. I think that’s helped us the most.”

The hitting, again, was key, taking 5 of six categories. The scores were: runs (41-20), home runs (11-4), RBIs (44-12), stolen bases (0-2), walks (20-11), and average (.285-.279).

“I’m glad we managed to get our hitting back up,” Juan Encarnacion said, “I can’t say anything about the poor hitting, because I did my fair share of the sucking early in this year. I’m just glad to see that, as a team, we managed to turn this thing around.”

The team had many excellent performances this week in hitting. Shortstop Carlos Guillen led the team with 7 runs, but Placido Polanco, JEn, and Michael Cuddyer all scored 6 runs, and Rocco Baldelli, straight off the DL, scored 5 runs. Adam Dunn led the team with his 3 home runs, but both JEn and Carlos G. hit 2 each. Carlos G. led the team with his 9 RBIs, but JEn had 8, and Jermaine Dye had 7. Alas, no one stole a base, but 3 Sassians--Placido, Carlos G., and Michael all walked 4 times each. JEn’s .480 batting average led the team, with Placido’s .355 and Rocco’s .320 both earning honorable mentions.

“It was a fantastic week for me,” Carlos G. said. “I know many people were pleased at the power, the hitting, running, and defense that I showed. I was quite happy. I just saw the ball really well this week. All the extra time Mikey [hitting coach Michael Restovich] and I spent in the batting cages and watching videos of at-bats and pitchers really paid off. I hope it continues.”

The Sass, for the weekly competition, were one run short of Save the Twinkies, who led the league in runs. The second-place finish was cause for great celebration. For the success in hitting, Mrs. Guillen made cheesecake for the entire team to enjoy after the game on Sunday.

The pitching managed a tie, taking 3 of 3. Amazingly enough, the holds, a usual Sass power area, lost, while saves, a usual weak spot with the Sass, won. The final scores were: wins (6-3), saves (2.-0), strike-outs (51-41), holds (2-4), ERA (2.58-2.12), and WHIP (1.16-1.03).

“The Wombats have quite the formidable pitching staff, so this is pretty impressive,” Beth said.

The starters kept things even, by noting that each of them did something for mentioning among the team leaders. The team leaders for the starters included two wins by Chan Ho Park and Kristin Benson. Aaron Harang led the team with his 16 strike-outs, while Kristin and Chan Ho both put 9 on the board. Carlos Silva was the only starter to have an ERA of 0.00, while Aaron Cook had the lowest WHIP at 1.00.

The relievers were equally dispersed in their jobs, with Jon Rauch picking up the sole win among relievers, and Ambiorix Burgos picking up both saves. Brandon Medders led the relievers with 5 strike-outs, and both Jon and Rheal Cormier had 1 hold each. Ambiorix, Rheal and Julio Mateo both posted perfect 0.00 ERAs, and Rheal had the lowest WIHP of 0.00.

The only reliever who was looking at his locker, dejected, was Brad Halsey. “I feel like I let down the team. I didn’t do anything outstanding.” Brad’s numbers should not be forgotten, as his ERA and WHIP were both 1.50.

The Sass look forward to their competition this week against Gassner’s All-stars, led by Ryan, leader of Team Ryan. Incidentally, Gassner’s All-stars does not include Dave Gassner on their roster.

Notes: DL movement

Managers coming and going
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

PITTSBURGH -- The Here for the Sass team had some crazy DL movement this weekend. Since the managers are not limited to the 15-day and 60-day DL, Beth placed herself on the DL on Thursday, and was sent to Nice to check out a cold. However, doctors in Nice were unable to discover anything other than a virus, so she is expected to return to the Sass on Monday.

“It’s one of those, ‘on one hand….but on the other hand…’ moments,” Beth said just after her massage on Sunday afternoon. “On one hand, I’m not seriously ill. On the other hand, since it’s a virus, there’s nothing they can do about it.”

If Beth is still not well in a week, she may need to schedule another trip to Nice for further testing.

When Beth was placed on the DL, Dawn took herself off the DL and flew back to the U.S. to join the team. She reported that she will need to visit Nice for some treatment in August, but for now is healthy enough to be back with the team.

“Nice is a great place, but it’s nice to be back with the team again. It’s been awhile. Besides, ever since Rocco [Baldelli] left, the food hasn’t been up to the high standards. The French just don’t know how to cook,” Dawn said.

With both managers back with the team, Beth and Dawn hope that this inspires the rest of the team to avoid trips to the DL.

Return times approximated: Edwin Encarnacion and Justin Duchscherereerer are both looking at the possibility of returning from Nice as soon as Wednesday of this week.

“e.e.’s injury really was only something that was going keep him out a week, but we needed available players on our bench,” Dawn said, “He’s eligible to come off the DL on Thursday or Friday, I think. The trainers in Nice are quite positive at this point that we’ll be back.”

Justin Duchscherererer, who was out with elbow tendonitis, was a surprise. Sass translator, Sarah, was around on Sunday afternoon to translate the message from Nice which stated that in a simulated game, Justin threw 23 pitches on Saturday, but did not feel as sore as expected Sunday.

"I feel good. I feel better than I expected," Justin said.*

Justin will pitch a few innings with the Nice Guys in Nice, the Sass AA team, and if all goes well, he could be back with the team later this week.

“This is a positive sign,” Dawn said, “It seems like he’s been in Nice forever, and I know Beth was missing him here

Justin was working on trying to oust Grant Balfour from being the leader of the Chutes and Ladders competition in Nice, but Grant is still holding a firm lead, based almost entirely on his success due to being on the DL so long.

* That’s a real quote from him!

Home run competition: “I can’t keep up with him!” was the lament by Jermaine Dye on Sunday evening. Jermaine hit a home run Sunday night, but Adam pointed out that last Sunday through Wednesday he hit home runs in every game. Adam now has 23 home runs on the year, while Jermaine has 20. Behind them, Juan Encarnacion and Michael Cuddyer both have 10 home runs, and Carlos Guillen has 9.

“However, I take the moral high ground,” Jermaine said, “I have a much higher batting average than Adam.”

Adam is always the first to admit that his batting average is not high.

Adam responded, “Be fair. My mother would probably have a higher batting average than I do. I’m here to hit home runs, and that’s pretty much what I do. And it’s results that matter. I’ve scored way more runs than [Jermaine].”

Rach sent the two men to re-organize the bat rack, so she would not have to listen to their brotherly arguing anymore.

Off-day:With an off-day on Monday, the Sass will be sending out a limited number of players to play with other teams, just for some extra work. Their stats will count for their total stats, so all are encouraged to see how well they can do. Adam, Placido Polanco, and Carlos G. will all be joining a team to play today, while the Sass are also lending out four relief pitchers: Brandon Medders, Jon Rauch, Brad Halsey, and Rheal Cormier.

“Since joining the Sass, Jon and I feel like we haven’t gotten enough work in. I’d like to be at the top of my game any time I pitch with the Sass. Being a reliever, I don’t know when I’ll get into a game or not, but when I was invited, I wasn’t going to miss that opportunity,” Rheal said.

The rest of the position players will be spending extra time with hitting coach Michael Restovich. After some batting practice, the men will be having a barbeque.

“I gotta admit, I’m a bit nervous about letting these guys near a grill, looking at our injury record, but Mikey has assured me that he’s taken all precautions to avoid injury,” Dawn said.

The pitching staff will watching pitching coach Bronson Arroyo, as he will be pitching tonight.

“Watching him pitch is a sure way to get a demonstration on ‘What to do and when to do it.’ It’s better than watching a video,” Aaron Harang said.

Kat reported that all of the pitchers will be wrapped in bubblewrap before the game, to avoid the injuries of foul balls or flying bats.

Notes: Coming out on top

Fans support Sass
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The BFL, under the direction of Commissioner SBGF, released the results from in-park surveys given to fans at BFL ballparks in mid-May. Sass Stadium took the honors of being the best stadium all around. The food selection was rated top, with the only suggestion of selling Mrs. Guillen’s cookies. The seating and sight-lines rated second best, but considering that the Sass play in Historic Sass Stadium, while other teams play in newly designed parks, was impressive in itself. The atmosphere, give-aways, announcers, pre-game and between-inning entertainment, and scoreboards all ranked first.

“We worked hard to arrange all of this,” Dawn said, “Planning every event. It’s really an honor. It was a surprising honor to win the “Best Park to Visit” award, too. Fans from other teams find our park the easiest to get to, and the friendliest and most knowledgeable fans. We’re quite proud of everyone.”

An independent contractor led the survey, as well as tallied the results, to prevent any corruption of the results.

SBGF believes there was some error in the results tallying for Here for the Sass to come out with so many awards. The Assassins opened their new stadium Assassin Park this year, at the cost of $1.2 billion in construction. Assassin Park ranked last in atmosphere, which was shocking, considering many demands had been placed on the Go Boom! team to build a new stadium, who’s Go Boom! Field actually ranked fourteenth, ahead of Assassin Park, neut Park, and Dreadnought Diamond.

“Money can’t buy everything,” Beth said, “It starts from the top and works its way down. Dawn and I were willing to move into a historic park, and focus everything on making the experience pleasant for all fans in attendance. Sass Stadium might not be the newest park with all the high-tech features, but it’s got a historic beauty that keeps people coming back--besides the fun we have, hiring announcers from Lacrosse leagues, and letting our guys hang out with the fans.”


The hitting continues: Adam Dunn hit his third home run of the week, putting him in the front of the home run hitters on the Sass with 24.

“Dude, what’s going on?” Jermaine Dye asked Adam. “I take a day off, so you feel the need to add even more stats to your line?” Jermaine asked for the day off on Wednesday to rest. Jermaine had played in all games so far this year.

“Youth prevails,” Adam said, smiling in mock innocence at Jermaine who is five years older.

Sign-up for fishing with the Sass: The Here for the Sass reminds people that anyone who would like to take part in the First Annual Fishing Tournament that they can sign up by filling out the form on the Sass web site or calling the Sass front office during regular hours. Tournament fees may be paid in cash, or with credit cards, valuable antiques, or checks. An appraiser will be on-hand to determine the worth of the antiques.

The tournament will take place on June 29th. Each team will consist of a Sassian (player or coach), a professional fisherman, a child from one of the inner-city schools, and two fans who have entered the tournament.

Money raised will go towards literacy charities. Each team member will take turns reading aloud to their team while waiting for fish to bite.

Upcoming Events: Sass fans are reminded that tonight is Sock Night. The first 5,000 adults of either sex to enter the park will receive a pair of Sass Socks. Sass socks for females are pink and purple, and emblazoned with the Sass logo on the ankles The socks for the males are white, with the Sass logo on the ankle.

“We had many requests for Sass socks,” said Clubhouse Manager Rach, “I like socks myself, so I brought it up to our marketing department who thought it was great. We’ve already had telephone calls from fans who cannot attend tonight’s game, asking if we were planning on selling socks in our Team Stores. We’re working on it, but it could take a couple of weeks.”

Tonight: Tonight Carlos Silva will take the mound for the Sass. Many of the relievers were needed yesterday when the Sass had no starting pitcher scheduled, but there are still a few available to finish the game tonight, if needed.

Notes: Excessive trips to DL solved?

Bubble wrap issues are brought to light
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team noted that although they were wrapping players in the bubble wrap, the trips to the DL have no decreased. With the new hiring of Kat as the Equipment and Uniform Manager, some new things have come to light. Apparently Doug Mientkiewicz, Juan Encarnacion, A.J. Pierzynski, Ambiorix Burgos, and Little Nicky Punto were all competing in a bubble-wrap dueling club. Two players were matched up, and tried to be the first to pop all of their opponents bubbles.

Clubhouse Manager Rach has joined Kat in putting a stop to this. Dawn will be flying in from Nice on Wednesday, when she will take care of reprimanding A.J. and Little Nicky.

Kat and Rach are now looking into alternative wrapping techniques to avoid further injury of Sassians, as all rooms in Nice are currently full, and it will be at least ten days before Edwin Encarnacion will be able to return.

DL update: Reliever Grant Balfour has taken a commanding lead in the DL Chutes and Ladders competition. His success has been attributed more to the amount of time spent on the DL, and thus the number of games he’s been playing, than to any particular skill. In fact, other members of the DL have declared that he’s winning in spite of himself.

“I’m surprised Grant can win,” Matt Guerrier said. “He’s so easily distracted that it’s amazing he can finish a game at all.”

Attempts to contact Grant were met with no success. Before reporters could talk to him for a quote, he had wandered off to look at pretty rocks on the beach.

Cooking classes: Reliever Brandon Medders had always felt a little bit along since joining the team. He didn’t enjoy playing Legos like some of the other younger guys, but he never felt like he fit into any group. However, when the ever gregarious Rocco Baldelli returned from the DL, and started to cook some of the excellent meals Sassians enjoy regularly, Brandon watched in awe.

After a couple of days, Rocco invited Brandon to join him in the kitchen. Brandon said he had never cooked much before, other than really simple meals, like Mac and Cheese, so he hesitated at the invitation. When Rocco reiterated his invitation, Brandon agreed.

“I was a little scared at first, because I’ve never really cooked before,” Brandon said, “I was afraid I was going to ruin a meal and then I’d have to face the wrath of Beth, Rach, and Kat--I don’t want any of them upset with me. But Rocco is such a good teacher that it’s so easy.”

Rocco says it’s much easier to cook meals with an extra pair of hands in the kitchen.

“I had Tomo Ohka helping me in Nice, so someone could take over cooking when I came off the DL, and it was so nice to have someone to lend a hand--someone to mix while I added ingredients, or someone to cook the vegetables while I worked on the main course. I kinda missed that when I rejoined the Sass, so I was thankful when Brandon accepted my offer to teach him to cook. It’s a win-win for us. Besides, chicks dig a guy who can cook.”

Flirting: Dawn was none-to-pleased to hear that when Miss Minnesota came to throw out the first pitch at Sass Stadium on Tuesday, Little Nicky was seen flirting with her before the game started. Little Nicky claimed he was just being friendly, but Doug disagreed.

“That was flirting if I ever saw it,” Doug said, “He was laughing, she was giggling, and he couldn’t walk away from her.”

Knowing Little Nciky’s penchant for meeting and having a good time with people, Dawn said she would wait until she could get a hold of Little Nicky before passing judgment.

“He better not be flirting with other women while I’m away,” she said.

Take that: Powering out another home run on Tuesday night, first baseman Adam Dunn trotted around the bases with a big grin. As he rounded second, he pointed into the dugout at outfielder Jermaine Dye and laughed. This home run put Adam ahead of Jermaine by 3 home runs in their friendly competition.

“That was just sick,” Jermaine said, “I’m now behind by three home runs. I think he does it just to irritate me.”

Adam grinned, “And I’m leading by 25 walks, too.”

To avoid listening to them arguing and fighting, Kat sent them off to wash dishes.

Tonight: After sending three starters to the mound in two days, Beth has declared a night off and will not send a starter into the game. Relievers may pitch at their own risk. The rest of the week, she plans on sending a pitcher to the mound on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and will possibly send another one to face the opponent on Sunday. The reasoning for so many starters this week as compared to most was the absolutely wonderful outing Chan Ho Park had Tuesday night, allowing only one run in six innings. Chan Ho Park proudly showed off his gold star from Beth for his performance.

Notes: Now fighting over #5

Outfielders share a number
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- Monday evening, just before game time, outfielder Michael Cuddyer grabbed jersey number 5 and put it on. During the game, Cuddyer noticed outfielder Rocco Baldelli's jersey said "Michael" and had the number 5. Michael immediately asked Rocco what the deal was, which Rocco looked on him in confusion. Catcher A.J. Pierzynski pointed out that Michael was wearing a jersey with "Rocco" written across the back. Both men discovered simultaneously that both had been issued the number 5 jersey. They immediately took it to Clubhouse Manager (temporary) Kat. Kat was mystified as well, and the issue was brought to the manager’s office.

Beth seemed completely unfazed when told that both men were issued the number 5, but soon realized her error.

“None of those three was around opening day. Rocco was on the DL, Michael was with another team, and Kat had not been hired yet,” Beth said. Opening day, third baseman Edwin Encarnacion and A.J. Pierzynski both realized that they shared the number 12. After a quick discussion at the time, it was decided that there was no reason that both men couldn’t wear the same number. Despite the seeming revolving door to the clubhouse, what with demotions and injuries, the Sass had not run into that problem since.

“Well, Braden Looper and Randy Johnson both wore number 41, but Johnson never paid attention to the other teammates unless they came in his path. We kept Loopy in the bullpen and Johnson never noticed. Loopy knew what was going on, and was very stealthy once he got the uniform on. I think it was a game for him,” Beth said.

Psychic powers at work: In his daily phone call with Dawn, catcher A.J. Pierzynski declared he would hit a home run for her Monday night. A.J. had only two home runs in 196 at-bats previous to Monday night.

“Dawn’s had a pretty rough year. It has to be stressful being the manager of a team and trying to run the team from afar,” A.J. said. “I wanted to do something nice for her.”

However, in the eighth inning, well past Dawn’s bedtime in Nice, A.J. made good on his promise, and belted a home run over the right field wall. After the game and post-game shows were over, A.J. got a call--Dawn was already awake, with the time difference it was morning in Nice.

“It was so awesome to get up this morning and check my e-mail. I had no less than ten people who had e-mailed me to tell me about A.J.’s home run. Nick [manager of Mockball Madness] called me not long after I woke up, too,” Dawn said. “I’m proud of A.J. I knew he could do it!”

Memo to starting pitching: The starting pitchers for Monday, the usual solid Kristin Benson and Aaron Harang, both posted less than stellar outings, except for their strike-outs.

“Kristin didn’t do too bad, with three runs in six innings, posting a quality start,” Beth said, “But Aaron’s four runs in five innings is completely out of character.”

Between the two of them, they did manage 13 strike-outs. Kristin got a win for his quality start, leaving Aaron had a no-decision.

“Well, that’s something,” Beth said, “But honestly, I’m getting sick of this stuff. I’m glad we’re at least getting strike-outs this week, but we really need to work on getting a better team ERA and WHIP. I think if those go down, we’ll see our wins, and thus our holds, and possibly saves, go up.”

With that, Beth handed new-comer to the Sass reliever Jon Rauch a gold star for his two innings of scoreless work.

“He didn’t have a strike-out, but he posted a 0.00 ERA, and a 0.50 WHIP,” Beth said.

Jon was quite pleased. “It’s my first pitching performance for the Sass, and I’m handed a gold star for just doing my job. That’s pretty cool. I like it here. This is a great group of guys. I’m sorry that the Sass had to lose their third baseman to get me here, but I’ll admit I’m thankful it gave me an opportunity to pitch here. I’ll have to send e.e. a box of Legos in thanks.”

Dawn is in agreement. “I know Beth is trying hard there, but it’s frustrating for me to watch these games, and watch our pitching do so poorly. Something has to be done. I want to come back in August to a great team, not one that just puts in a half-hearted effort.”

Tonight: Tonight, Chan Ho Park will take the mound. Beth and Dawn are both scared to watch. Beth plans on being at the Metrodome to watch the Twins versus Red Sox game. She’ll consider keeping track of the score of the Sass-Wombats game, but she’ll probably not pay attention, what with the exciting Johan Santana-Curt Schilling match-up. Dawn has an appointment with the masseuse at the time of the start of the game, and plans on going into the hot tub immediately after.

Week Ten: Summary of Series

As goes pitching, so goes the game
Pitching meltdown again key
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass lost again this week to the Save the Twinkies, 9-3.

“We didn’t get shut-out!” Beth exclaimed, optimistically. The Sass were also able to retain their position in 14th place in the BFL.

It was surprising, because for the first time, it seemed, the Sass didn’t take the weekend off, but instead got stronger. They were down 10-2 going into Friday, but over the weekend picked up a point in walks.

“I think there were some threatening tactics used,” Dawn said from Nice, “I think Kat was a good addition to the front office. She’s very motivating.”

The Sass finished the week with two points in hitting, and one in pitching. The final results were: runs (26-49), home runs (11-9), RBIs (36-43), stolen bases (3-7), walks (31-30), batting average (.290-.309), wins (2-5), saves (1-5), strike-outs (30-47), holds (2-0), ERA (5.66-2.44), and WHIP (1.68-1.14).

“It amazes me how we can so often take the “holds” category. It’s the one place where we hold an advantage,” Beth said, “Although, honestly, part of that is probably because we’ve got set-up men, but no real closer.”

Aaron Cook was the first starting pitcher last week in the competition, and had a rough outing. In a state of solidarity that the pitching staff usually has, all other pitchers followed suit, except Kristin Benson, who sometimes fails to realize what the rest of his team is doing.

Amongst the starters, Kristin had the best ERA (3.00), and WHIP (1.17), while Aaron Harang had the only win, and Aaron Cook in his two starts led the team with five strike-outs.

For the relief pitching crew, Ambiorix Burgos had the lone save, and the best WHIP (1.50). Brad Halsey had the most strike-outs (4), and had one of the two holds. Julio Mateo had the other hold, and also picked up a win. Brandon Medder’s 3.00 ERA was the best among the relievers.

The hitting did their job, but against the Save the Twinkies team, they had little to show for it.

Rocco Baldelli only played two days, and Little Nicky Punto played only three days this week, but both had strong showings with batting averages of .538 and .571, respectively. Little Nicky also had three runs, one RBI, one stolen base, and three walks. Rocco, coming back after not playing for a year and a half, scored one run, had two RBIs, and walked once.

“It’s nice to see Rocco coming back from what could’ve been career-ending injuries and come out of the gate running,” Dawn said. “I watched him in his rehab assignment games, and was quite impressed as his ability to hit, and to take pitches. I think he’ll be okay.”

Amongst the regular players, Juan Encarnacion and A.J. Pierzynski had the highest batting averages at .333. Adam Dunn and Jermaine Dye both hit t3ree home runs, while Adam led the way with 6 runs scored, and 9 walks. Michael Cuddyer led the way with 9 RBIs, assisted by his two home runs both being grand slams. He also walked 7 times. Besides Little Nicky, Carlos Guillen stole a base, and in a shocking move that had the entire Sass front office staring in disbelief, Doug Mientkiewicz stole a base.

“I almost fell out of my seat,” Beth said, “Here I am, sitting in my owners’ seat, keeping score for fun, and suddenly…there goes Dougie. This is, like, his second stolen base of this year…and in the two years prior to this, he didn’t steal any. Good job, Dougie.”

Dougie laughed, “I just got a good jump on the pitcher, and took off. I’m trying to be more aggressive on the basepaths. We’ve got some good hitters, but we really need to make things happen--force the pitcher to do things he doesn’t want to, pitch pitches he doesn’t want to; whatever it takes to score runs.”

“It wasn’t our strongest showing this week, but hopefully our pitching staff gets itself back in order. The team will miss Matt a bunch, but we’ve got a couple of guys to replace him and it’s nice to see him here in Nice. We hope things work out for the best,” Dawn said.

Notes: Welcome back, Rocco!

DL needs revolving door
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team needs to have regular flights to Nice. Not long after pitcher Matt Guerrier’s flight left for Nice, doctors announced that third baseman Edwin Encarnacion would need to be placed on the DL. All five rooms for players have now been filled at the Sass Rehabilitation Facility in Nice.

“If another players goes on the DL, our only choices are to let him hang out on the bench until there’s an opening, or to send him down to the Sarcacastics [AAA],” Dawn said. It depends on the condition of the player, as well as the position of the player on the team.

Matt will be out for six to eight weeks, while it’s expected that e.e. will be back in a couple of weeks. For more good news, Sass pitcher Tomo Ohka did start throwing from the mound this weekend. He’s not near coming back, but trainers and coaches saw this as positive improvement. Tomo had not set foot on a pitching mound since early May. As for relievers Grand Balfour and Justin Duchschererererer, it’s anyone’s guess.

“All my reports from Nice are from the trainers, who insist on writing in french. I have no idea what they’re saying. I’m pretty sure one of them told me that I was pathetic. Either that or my shoes needed polishing. I’m not really sure,” Beth said.

This lack of communication meant that Beth was completely surprised to stumble sleepily into her office Thursday morning to the grin of Rocco Baldelli--as well as an omelet breakfast.

“He told me that he was back with the team. It was a little shocking,” Beth said.

To make room for Rocco on the roster, Frank Catalanotto was cut from the team. Frank had earlier expressed a desire to join a rodeo, so it was a brief conversation with Frank, with Dawn via conference call (before her scheduled pedicure) that it was decided to give Frank the chance he wanted to fulfill his dreams.

Welcome to the Sass! To replace Matt and e.e. on the Sass roster, the Sassians called up two pitchers. When relievers Jon Rauch and Rheal Cormier entered the clubhouse on Sunday, there was much laughter from the Sassian team. Rheal, a 5’10” 40-year-old Canadian was chatting with the Jon, a 6’11” 28-year-old Southern boy. Jon and Rheal had been roommates on road trips with the Vancouver Sarcastics, and despite the age, cultural, and height difference, became close friends.

“Jon’s an amusing guy--that southern drawl of his always makes me laugh. Up in Vancouver, no one could understand a word he said!” Rheal laughed.

“Rheal’s a hoot--that Canadian accent always cracks me up,” Jon said. “We spent a lot of time together. His wife just knew that on off-days, I’d be over there. I’d come to the door, and his kids would be begging me to play ball with them. It’s great. I’m glad we both got called up together.”

Restraint? Beth showed great restraint on Saturday to not spend the entire night talking about Michael Cuddyer’s grand slam. Besides talking incessantly about Cuddyer’s grand slam on Saturday--which wasn’t that much different from his grand slam on Wednesday--Beth mentioned that Carlos Silva didn’t have an impressive outing, stats-wise, but did show marked signs of improvement.

“On Saturday,” Beth said, “It was more impressive only because he hit it at home, in front of all our fans. It was so awesome. Two grand slams in four days! Woooo!“

Gotcha! Outfielder Jermaine Dye thought he might have gotten Sass first baseman Adam Dunn, by tying up the home run hitting contest. However, Adam wasn’t one to rest, and on Sunday hit the go-ahead home run. This puts Adam at 20 home runs this year, while Jermaine is right behind him at 19.

“I will catch up to Adam!” Jermaine exclaimed. “I swear, no little kid is going to beat me.”

Adam laughed, “That old man can’t hit more home runs than me! Youth will always succeed!”

Sassians are taking bets as to which man will end the year with the most home runs. There is a mild edge on Adam, but the betting is fairly even.

Despite their strong words, Adam and Jermaine’s competition is actually a very friendly rivalry.

Seventh inning…nap? Sass Stadium had an odd change of the usual pace of baseball games this past weekend. Rather than a “Seventh Inning Stretch”, fans participated in the Seventh Inning Nap.

“It was a long two weeks of late games in California and Washington,” Beth said. “I was tired. I needed a nap more than I needed to stand up and sing. I know many of our fans stayed up late to watch the games, and I’m sure they appreciated the short naps before the grueling finishes of all Sass games.”

New start time: Due to conflicts in scheduling, the Sass front office announced on Sunday night that this week all games will start at 7:13:42 p.m.

“There were some scheduling conflicts with the local media--besides the schedule conflicts of Kat and I. As much as we’d like to devote our time and energy to the Sass, we realize that there are prior commitments that must be placed ahead of the Sass,” Beth said. “This allows us to do everything that needs to be done.”

Tonight: Tonight, the Sass front office decided that Aaron Harang and Kristin Benson need some more time pitching, and will start them both.

Notes: Tragedy strikes again

Weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- Beth called Dawn late Thursday with the bad news: Matt Guerrier is the latest member of the Here for the Sass team to take the long trip to Nice. Unfortunately, this brings the Sass back to four people on the DL.

“I’ve totally lost track of how many guys we’ve sent to the DL this year,” Beth said. “It’s a bad year for the BFL, particularly with the teams of multiple female managers.” The Jello Fighters, managed by twink and CapitalBabs have also found their year difficult with multiple injuries.

Matt was pitching in Thursday’s game when a line drive by Richie Sexson (Team neut) hit him on the right hand, fracturing a bone in his thumb. He is projected to be out for two months. BODSHC Batgirl will join Matt on his journey to Nice, as he is unable to carry his own luggage.

“Batgirl has had repeated instances of mentioning sniffing glue,” Dawn said, “So we’re sending her to Nice to overcome this habit. Although, quite frankly, since the Twins have been doing as well as the Sass, it doesn’t sound like a bad idea.”

The Sass had three pitchers already in Nice, which means there will only be one opening when Matt gets there.

“I hope we don’t need to send e.e. [Edwin Encarnacion] to the DL,” Beth said, concerned. e.e. injured his ankle earlier this week, and has been sitting on the bench. In the meantime, bench players have filled in for him. The extreme depth of the Sass bench is the only reason this is feasible.

Beth reported with her ex-Bullpen Boyfriend [Grant Balfour] and current Bullpen Boyfriend [Matt] on the DL, she might be more motivated to visit Nice more often, although her boyfriend Michael Cuddyer does offer motivation in keeping her with the Sass.

Cupcake Day! Since the Sass were playing on the road on Cupcake Day, and Sassians hit two home runs that day, Beth has come through on her challenge, and pancake cake cupcakes will be served to all fans entering the stadium tonight.

“That sucks,” said pitcher Carlos Silva, “Because we didn’t get pancake cake cupcakes on Cupcake Day. There were delays in shipping and Ghetto Cub couldn’t get them to us in time. I’m hoping that we get leftover pancake cake cupcakes after the game.”

Changing their minds: Beth has already expressed frustrations with the deals made by BFL Commissioner SBGF, and MLB Commissioner Bud Selig.

“The fact that we’ve drafted our players from other teams should not mean we have to bow to the whims of the team we took them from. We took Brad Halsey as a reliever, and suddenly the Oakland A’s informed us that we had to use him as a starter. All of a sudden, the day before we were going to start him, they called and said he needed to go to Oakland for a relief appearance. We were unable to start him the next day like planned, but fortunately he was able to do another relief appearance for us. We were just getting settled in to him being a reliever again--clearly a better place for him-- when the A’s have called yet again telling us they’re considering making us use him as a starter!” Beth complained, in quite possibly the longest statement she had ever made in her life.

Presently, the Sass have not schedule Brad into either a starting or relief role, waiting for the call from Oakland.

Questioning: Beth has long been a proponent of young guys joining her team, but is a little baffled by Ambiorix Burgos. The young reliever has already been removed from his starting role, although Beth did admit he was probably a bit young to take on that responsibility in the first place. However, so far this week Ambiorix has managed to record a 16.20 ERA with a 1.20 WHIP.

“How do you get an ERA of 16-plus, and a WHIP of 1.20? Is he hitting every batter he faces with a pitch, then giving up grand slams? I mean, seriously. That’s crazy,” Beth said.

Beth mentioned that since all the Sass pitchers who have gone on the DL have performed well, she might injury Ambiorix with one of his Legos to send him to Nice.

DL Update: It is reported that Grant Balfour has took a commanding lead of the current DL Chutes and Ladder competition. If Rocco Baldelli would return, it’s likely he would have a chance, but it will take a lot of work for many of the others to catch up. Most of the lead has come purely on the amount of games that Grant has played. As far as win percentage is concerned, Justin Duchschererererer holds the lead.

Dawn has reported that her Apple Addiction is now under control, although she does not expect to return to the Sass until August 21st. Beth is highly suspicious, because that is approximately the projected date of Matt's return to the line-up. However, to avoid jealousy issues with Dawn's boyfriends A.J. Pierzynski and Little Nicky Punto, she has not said anything.

Rach expects to return to the Sass "soon", while it's expected that Beth will report to Nice on Monday, for an undetermined amount of time. Rach was in Nice to recover from seasonal allergies; Beth would be reporting to Nice with the plague.

Tonight: With the injury of Matt, Beth’s terror of pitchers getting injured has increased Beth’s already high terror levels of pitching. Because of this, she will not start any pitchers tonight. There are rumors she’s willing to start Carlos Silva on Saturday, and Aaron Cook on Sunday. Brad Halsey may also start this weekend, but Beth and Dawn are waiting for a call from Oakland before that will be known.

Notes: Did something else happen?

Manager completely distracted
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

SEATTLE -- Here for the Sass Manager Beth paid very close attention to all the Sass players until about midnight, CDT, last night. At midnight, Sassian Michael Cuddyer hit a grand slam to tie the game, and made everything that happened before or after completely moot, in her eyes. She is fairly certain some good stuff happened, and some bad stuff happened, but was at a loss to say what.

“Michael hit a grand slam! Did you see that? He did! He really did! With two outs! He got a HIT with the bases loaded, and it was a home run,” Beth said. It went on longer, but the press just wandered away, laughing.

Gold stars: After seeing how well the cupcake give-away motivated the Sassians, Beth decided Wednesday morning that she would give gold stars to any player showing a quality performance. The giveaways are completely arbitrary, and depend on Beth’s attention span, giving Sassians an extra motivation to do something truly memorable.

Fortunately, Beth had already handed out her gold stars for the evening when Cuddyer hit his grand slam, making pitcher Julio Mateo the only Sassian who could’ve been deserving of a gold star not get one.

“He beat the Twins, anyway,” said Kat, who took over the gold-star doling after the eighth inning, “So that is not worthy of any gold stars.”

Michael was pleasantly surprised when he returned to the dugout after the game.

“For sure, I knew I’d get a gold star for that home run. I already had a gold star for the RBI double earlier in the game, so grand slams obviously earn one. I was totally shocked to see my entire locker covered in them, though,” Cuddyer said, pointing at his locker.

Other winners of gold stars were pitcher Kristin Benson, who was the only starter of three to earn a quality start, although he was tagged with a loss, due to lack of run support while he was pitching. Jermaine Dye went 2/3 with a walk and a solo home run, earning him a gold star, and Carlos Guillen went a perfect 2/2 with 2 walks and a stolen base to earn him two gold stars.

Caught ya! Jermaine Dye skipped into the dugout after his solo home run on Tuesday night and poked fellow outfielder Adam Dunn in the ribs. “Caught ya!” he said.

Jermaine and Adam are now both tied for team lead among Sassians with 18 each. When Michael hit his grand slam later in the game (has that been mentioned yet?), he came into the dugout and poked fellow outfielder Juan Encarnacion and said, “Caught ya!” Michael and JEn now both come in second place with 8 home runs each.

“It’s great to see these guys hitting so well,” said shortstop Carlos Guillen, who has 7 home runs and is in third place, “It’s great to see all of us hitting as well as we are. The friendly competitions are definitely worth it.”

Trade proposal: The Here for the Sass team had to break their promise from earlier this year, when they stood firm on the ground that they would never make a trade with BFL Commissioner SBGF. However, Beth and Dawn announced that they had proposed a trade with SBGF. The trade currently stands as Carlos Silva and Frank Catalanotto for pitcher J. Putz.

“A normal person would laugh at the trade and reject it. We fully expect to be fined and suspended for at least five games,” Beth said, still giggling.

A concern is that a package of Mrs. Guillen's cookies has been included in the trade.

"People will do anything for Mrs. Guillen's cookies," Dawn said, "I was concerned when Beth included that in the trade, but she explained that it was a package of cookies, not a whole box. That was a bit of a relief."

If SBGF happens to be on drugs when he reads of the trade, and accepts it, Beth will likely end up on the DL in shock. In that case, Kat will take over responsibility for keeping the team from doing something they shouldn’t.

Tonight: Tonight Beth does not have a starting pitchers scheduled, and she really doesn’t expect to use any relievers, either. Her plan is to grab six lucky fans entering the stadium and making them pitch. She’s hoping that Bobbi attends, to have at least one quality pitcher among the group.

Notes: Cupcake Friday!

Sassians rise to challenge
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

SEATTLE -- After their game on Monday, Beth challenged the entire Here for the Sass team to hit more than two home runs on Tuesday. Not to give an rhetorical challenge to her hitting-challenged boys, she offered the reward--to the fans. If the Sass team hit more than two home runs on Tuesday, all fans in attendance for Friday night's home game would receive a cupcake. The Sassians delivered the necessary two home runs.

“Wow. I didn’t realize how easily these guys could be motivated. Now that I know, I plan on using this to my advantage!” Beth said, gleefully.

The plans are already underway, and Kat has placed an order with Ghetto Cub for Friday night. All fans entering the gates on Friday night will receive a pancake cake cupcake, with 100 lucky fans also winning a box of Mrs. Guillen’s cookies.

“Someone asked me what it was like playing for the Sass,” infielder Placido Polanco said, “I mean, we’re a losing team most of the time, which usually causes for strife and an unpleasant atmosphere. But let me tell you, playing for the Sass is the best thing ever. We’ve got the best front office, the best team, and the best fans in the entire BFL. No one else can even compare.”

Beth announced that she will begin to keep track of players performances and offer gold stars to anything she deems worthy. She had already granted one to Julio Mateo for allowing Michael Cuddyer to get a hit on Tuesday night, before she decided on the reward system.

Friendly competition: Adam Dunn held the lead for Sassian home runs by one over Jermaine Dye, going into Tuesday's game, when Beth challenged the entire team to hit two home runs in one day. Early in the game, Jermaine tied Adam by hitting his 17th home run. Not to be out-done, Adam hit one later in the game.

"First, I wanted to make sure that Sass fans got cupcakes on Friday, 'cause it IS cupcake day. Secondly, there is no way I was letting that old guy hit more home runs than me!" Adam said, grinning during post-game interviews.

Jermaine Dye vowed he would some day take the team lead in home runs.

Draft Day: The Here for the Sass had a very productive draft day, grabbing Carlos Encarnacion, RHP/SS from the NDSU in the first round. The Sass front office said that they intended to make him into a super-utility player, in that he would be a starting pitcher who would fill in other positions as needed between starts.

“Well, we looked through his numbers, watched his scouting videos, and finally decided that in our long-term plans to corner the market on players named “Carlos” and “Encarnacion”, we had to take him,” Dawn said.

Their second round pick was a bit shocking and confusing to all when they selected Lyle Kohse.

“I know. No one ever wants them near their team, but we discussed this and decided it was the best move. If we move Lyle to a rookie-league team, he will be unavailable to torture our pitchers, and perhaps they’ll be able to perform up to their potential,” Beth said.

The Sass also made a surprise move in drafting Jimmy Grudzielanek-Mientkiewicz-Pierzynski, the adopted son of Sassians Mark Grudzielanek, Doug Mientkiewicz, and A.J. Pierzynski, in the third round. Other managers, having never heard of Jimmy, asked if he hit well.

“Give me a break,” Beth said, “He’s five months old. Let’s work on sitting up by himself, first.”

Carlos E. will report to the Sass Rookie-League team the Sassy Toddlers in Maui, Hawaii, while Lyle is set to report to the Black Holes in New York City. Jimmy will remain with the Sass team until he reaches the age of 18.

New position open: Immediately after the announcement of the third round of the draft, uniform and equipment manager James announced he was quitting to pursue his dream job as a medical doctor. He had already been accepted into Harvard Medical School, but had deferred enrollment to work for the Sass.

“I couldn’t take it. I know someday, Beth and Dawn will come up to me and tell me that Jimmy was making the team. I couldn’t bare the thought of trying to fit his last name onto a uniform,” James said, sobbing, “It’s already a pain looking at Grudzielanek, Mientkiewicz, Encarnacion, and all these guys.”

Beth and Dawn have offered James a position on the Sass medical staff--either with the team or in Nice--when he graduates.

Rejected! Dawn and Beth invited Mmmm…Guinness owner and manager Heraldguy out to lunch with them on Tuesday, but were immediately rejected. Both ladies were crushed by the rejection. Heraldguy did leave an opening for a possible future lunch, but refused to join Beth and Dawn on Tuesday.

Both ladies insist that the fact that they asked him to lunch at 2:00 in the afternoon had nothing to do with it, nor the fact that Beth and Dawn weren’t planning on meeting for lunch anyway.

“If he would’ve said he would join us, we might’ve decided to have an impromptu lunch,” Dawn said. “If we could get away from our work. Running a team isn’t easy, you know.” It’s uncertain Dawn could’ve made it back from Nice in time for a lunch, but the crushing blow of rejection made the argument moot.

Chaos! There was a brief period of chaos in the Sass clubhouse on Tuesday night, as suddenly all the boys started to run around in chaos.

When the figurative smoke cleared, and the players calmed down enough to sort things out, the cause became clear.

“A.J. farted!” Matt Guerrier said.

It was later discovered that A.J. did not actually fart, but rather Carlos Silva had placed a whoopee cushion on his chair. The sound alone was enough to clear the clubhouse.

Notes: Cupcake Day!

Plans abound, even on the road
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

SEATTLE -- The Here for the Sass team announced that although they are not able to celebrate Cupcake Day with their fans at home, they will still celebrate. The bullpen, which will include all starting pitchers not pitching today, will have a cupcake decorating contest during the game. In the eighth inning, they will ask fans seated near the bullpen to judge the winner.

After the game, Sassians will eat their post-game spread out of cupcake wrappers, rather than plates. It’s believed that they will have mini-meatloaves baked into cupcakes. Desert, naturally, will be cupcakes, with white, chocolate, and marble available. The Sassians will decorate their own cupcakes.

“Tragically, I called and found that Martha Stewart is unavailable to teach us,” Kat said. Rumors circulated through the clubhouse that Kat actually ensured that Martha Stewart was unavailable before calling to ask.

Any Sass fans who attend today's game are invited to partake in the post-game spread. There will be games (bobbing for apples, knock over the bottles with a baseball, pin-the-pony-tail-on-Beth, etc.) for all ages. A number of Sassians have volunteered to be targets to "Throw a Cupcake", similar to pie-throwing games at fairs.

It was also announced that if more than one Sassian hits a home run, free cupcakes will be given out to all fans before the next home game. Mrs. Guillen has promised to help bake cookies for 100 random people entering the gates Friday, regardless if the Cupcake Day home run target is triggered.

“Whoa. That’s serious pressure,” outfielder Adam Dunn said. “I will attempt to do my part, but Jermaine [Dye] better have a home-run hitting bat, too!” Adam and Jermaine lead the Sassisn with 17 and 16 home runs, respectively.

Batting practice changes: Due to mismanagement of pitching by MLB, Michael Restovich has been adding extra batting practice for Sass pitchers that also pitch with MLB National League teams. With the upcoming inter-league play, the American League pitchers, particularly the starters, should be getting some batting practice, too.

“Our batting averages for our pitchers is pathetic,” Mikey said, “I mean, career batting averages under the Mendoza line? That’s disgusting. Do they think they’re DHing for the Twins, or what?”

Although career batting averages are under .200 for all Sass pitchers, there has been some positive news with both Aaron Harang and Chan Ho Park hitting over .200 (.214 and .400, respectively).

“This is a positive sign,” outfielder Juan Encarnacion said, “The pitchers work hard, but it’s nice to see them contributing to both sides of the game.”

Jamming out: Reliever Brandon Medders has often watched reliever Matt Guerrier hanging out before games, playing guitar, but revealed Monday that his fascination came because he likes to play a bit himself.

When he plans with the Arizona Diamondbacks for MLB, he pitches on the same team as Brandon Webb, who also enjoys jamming before games.

“Webby doesn’t have near the talent of Matt,” Brandon said, “It’s amazing watching Matt play--I don’t know if there’s anyone better. I mean, I guess Bronson is that good, too, but we were just a bunch of guys playing around. Matt and Bronson could definitely make it in the music world.”

Matt welcomed Brandon to join him, but Brandon demurred, citing inadequate playing ability. Matt immediately offered to give Brandon lessons, which were accepted.

DL update: The trainers and coaches in Nice have reported that outfielder Rocco Baldelli is doing ”tres bien” in his rehab assignment outings with the Nice Guys. It is quite possible that he could be off the DL as soon as next week. As per the usual, an exact date has not been set.

“I really like the Nice Guys. We’ve got a lot of great players here, and some awesome fans. During games, I’ve been hanging out with our second baseman. He’s not a great hitter, but his defense totally rocks. He’s got a fan club here for a good reason--the President of the Luis Rivas fan club, Say Rah!, is the greatest girl I’ve ever met. After games we usually all meet up and go to some café somewhere. Although sometimes we go back the Sass Rehabilitation Facility and I cook supper. I love doing that, too.”

As for the pitchers on the DL, their pictures will be posted in the Sass clubhouse so they’re still recognized when they rejoin the team, which will be after the All-Star Break, at the soonest. There is potential for Tomo Ohka or Justin Duchschererer to return before the All-Star, but not likely.

“Both of them are still unable to do the simplest rehab exercises in the gym, so they’re both resting,” Dawn said. “To avoid them becoming completely out-of-shape, Rach and I have them doing simply work around Sass Villa. They mix drinks, paint our toenails, fetch the remote, things like that. Oh, and since Rocco is gone more often now that he’s playing AA games with the Nice Guys, they’re learning to cook. Although Tomo has forbidden Justin from entering the kitchen, and Grant is only allowed to prepare vegetables so far.”

Tomo expressed gratefulness to see Rach, as now the DL Boys get cookies regularly. Although Mrs. Guillen regularly shipped cookies to Nice, the time it took to ship were not consistent, and it also meant the cookies were not fresh. Rach now bakes regularly, to supplement Mrs. Guillen’s baking.

“My cookies are great, I know, and the guys love them, but it’s still awesome that Mrs. Guillen sends us cheesecake and other treats,” Rach said.

Week Nine: Summary of Series

And now for something new
Weekend off results in a tie
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

OAKLAND -- The Here for the Sass team faced the Tygers. Prior to the series, Tygers’ manager Kristie said that her team, in a similar way to the Sass, liked to take weekends off. The Sass felt this could be a fun match-up because the playing up until Thursday would be completely irrelevant. However, as the teams took great joy in working as hard as they could at taking it easy for the weekend. In the end, it turned out that the teams were evenly matched, ending with a 6-6 tie.

Again, hitting led the way for the Sass, taking 4 of 6 categories, while pitching took 2 of 6. The final results were: runs (27-26), home runs (8-5), RBIs (30-20), stolen bases (1-4), walks (14-18), average (.276-.247), wins (3-4), saves (2-6), strike-outs (28-44), holds (3-1), ERA (3.64-4.19), and WHIP (1.53-1.19).

“The Sass were clearly not showing patience at the plate, as the walks show clearly, while they were seeing the ball very well, as shown by their home runs and batting average. The Tygers, clearly, were seeing the ball much better, as the Sass had significantly less strike-outs by their pitchers,” Beth said, analyzing the stats provided by Justin Duchscherererererer’s database of stats.

Leading the way in hitting were outfielder Jermaine Dye and third baseman Edwin Encarnacion. Jermaine led the team in runs (8) and home runs (3); e.e. led the team in RBIs (7), and batting average (.368). Carlos Guillen had the only stolen base (Mrs. Guillen sent the Sassians apple crisp in honor of it), while Adam Dunn led the team in walking 5 times.

“Sometimes it pays to just watch the ball,” Adam said of his free-swinging teammates.

For the bench, only Mark Grudzielanek had any playing time last week, and his .500 batting average, 2 runs, and RBI show his worth in the line-up.

“Playing off the bench is hard,” Mark said, “But it’s something I need to do. There’s no excuse for not getting things done at the plate. It’s my job, and I take it very seriously.”

The pitching again proved that it’s a group effort. The Sassian pitchers were allowing too many hits to fall in, but were fortunately tempering their hits with just enough key outs to avoid runs from scoring.

“The relievers really are turning into a hold machine,” Beth said, “I hope they keep it up. It’s nice to see one category where we’ve got a strong hold on.”

Brandon Medders had 2 holds, while Carlos Silva made a relief appearance to get him a hold, too. Ambiorix Burgos worked hard early this week and was rewarded with the opportunity to get some saves. While his pitching wasn’t spectacular, and Beth always keeps a bottle of Ambiorix nearby when he pitches, Ambiorix did manage to pull off 2 saves. Brad Halsey managed to get the lone win of the relievers, while Julio Mateo took the honors as the reliever with the best ERA (1.93), and WHIP (1.07). Both Matt Guerrier and Julio had 2 strike-outs.

“Clearly, we need some more strike-outs by our relievers,” Beth said, “Although I guess as long as they’re preventing runs from scoring and getting holds, I’d be okay with ground-outs and fly-outs. The final result of an out is really all that matters.”

Among the starters, Aaron Harang and Chan Ho Park proved themselves leaders, with both getting wins in their games and having team-leading WHIP of 1.17, while Chan Ho had the most strike-outs (8), and the best ERA (0.00).

The 14th place Here for the Sass team (39-64-5) will be facing the 3rd place Save the Twinkies (62-39-7) this coming week.

“This looks like the exact match-up we need to make a strong showing. We need to go out and show the BFL that although we’re here for the sass, we’re not to be taken lightly,” Beth said. To prepare her team for the week, the Sassians will take a field trip to Valleyfair on Monday before the game. Sunscreen will be worn by all players, and plenty of breaks will be scheduled, in hopes of avoiding any possible negative affect.

“We just want to have fun, relax, and bond as a team,” Beth said. Rumors indicate that the entire staff from Nice will join the team for the day.