Notes: Investigation of drug abuse

Commission accuses Sass manager
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team officially announced Thursday night that BFL commissioner SBGF has begun an investigation on Sass manager Beth for suspected drug abuse. Based on the vast amounts of cold medication, combined with a small quantity of allergy medication, SBGF believes there is strong evidence towards Beth possibly making methamphetamines. Beth has been put on record that the charges are absurd, but the investigation continues. Sass team members are outraged.

"She has a [deleted] cold," catcher A.J. Pierzynski said. "Our managers are delicate women, and I think it’s stupid of SBGF to continue to treat them like suspects. He admits to ingesting mood-altering chemicals himself, so I’m not sure what his justification is in this case."

Other Sassians were equally baffled by SBGF’s actions.

“Obviously, Beth has a tendency to get colds. You know, colds aren’t something that you can just get over; you have to let them run their course. It’s taking a long time, and Beth needs some way to survive. She was coughing pretty badly before she started on cough syrup,” Sass outfielder Michael Cuddyer said.

Mockball Madness manager Nick has agreed to be legal representation for Beth.

And another one bites the dust? Sass Front Office announced Thursday night that if Beth had not recovered by Tuesday, they would place her on the DL and send her to Nice for recovery.

"We want her to battle through this, but there comes a point when our hands our tied. We can't have her just sitting on the bench, so we really need to get her ailments taken care of while someone else takes over her coaching duties," Rach said.

Beth expressed frustration saying that she felt that things were starting to feel better, but she understood the need to make the decision sooner, rather than later. With Dawn also out on the DL, this left the Sass with no other choice for the "manager" position, and will be searching through their minor league systems. Johan Santana has expressed an interest in the position. Talks are currently in place with aussie from Johan es mi novio, whom Johan will continue to pitch for.

”A hit! A hit! A palpable hit!” Beth was surprised when she checked her e-mail Thursday night to see a message from Dawn entitled, “Rocco got a hit!” Rocco Baldelli, an outfielder who has not played anything but spring training games since 2004 was playing with a rehab assignment team on Thursday when he recorded a hit. As it was his first professional--although not major league--in almost two years, it was worth noting.

“I’m quite pleased with the progress,” Dawn wrote, “It’s nice to see him playing again. Because he hasn’t played in so long, though, we’re going to make him play for about three weeks in the minor league rehab assignment.”

Rocco is currently with the Sass’s AA team, the Nice Nice Guys. It was decided that he stay in Nice rather than go to the AAA Vancouver Sarcastics, so he could be near the trainers who worked with him through his rehabilitation.

Charity warms the soul: The Sass have always been very community-minded, and were recently looking for a new charity, when Mark Grudzielanek, Doug Mientkiewicz, and A.J. approached Beth and Dawn and suggested the team do something for children in dire situations. As the three men are still very thrilled with the son they adopted together, it was understandable that they were worried about children not as lucky as young Jimmy.

It was at that point that they decided while they couldn’t adopt all the children--and some children in difficult circumstances actually have families, it was decided that the Sass team would make Project Linus quilts to be given away. Beth and Dawn met briefly on Thursday night to discuss the details of the plan.

Reminder: The Sass remind all fans that Monday, Memorial Day, will be the First Annual Mini-Golf Extravaganza. Please call the Sass front offices by Sunday evening if you wish to participate, although walk-in registration is welcome as long as there is space available. Sass players will only be on-hand until noon, when they will need to catch a flight to Lost Angeles for their game Monday night.