Notes: New scandal rocks the team

Misinformation causes tension with management
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

CHICAGO -- Sass management, already dealing with more scandals and problems this year than they could imagine, were again taken by surprise. Surfing the internet, Beth was checking out different sites to find player statistics when she came across an interesting tidbit about Sass reliver A. Burgos.

"We drafted some of these guys based on their names. Burgos was drafted with high points in favor of his name--Ambiorix. Does it get any cooler than that? So imagine my surprise yesterday when I'm looking up his stats, to see when he pitched last and how the game went, when I happen to glance up to his full name. His middle name is the common "Wayne". I'm not sure how I feel about this," Beth said, still quite obviously stunned.

Burgos admitted that he had kept that information from management before being drafted.

"I knew that Beth and Dawn were really looking at my name, and I really wanted to play for them. They're the absolute perfect managers and every team is jealous, so I knew that my middle name had to be kept a secret," Burgos admitted. "Besides, they drafted Casey Blake and Adam Dunn and Emil Brown and they're worried about my middle name?"

Sass management pointed out that Dunn and Brown were not hired for their names, and Casey Blake was dropped before the season started to be replaced with E. Encarnacion.

Management held a brief meeting and noted that he could improve his standing on the team by wearing tall socks. Burgos said he was thinking about it.

Pitcher competition update: "Oh, man, I can't believe I failed the team like that," were the words heard from Sass pitcher K. Benson this evening. Benson was the only Sass pitcher to start tonight, and the only Sass pitcher who had yet to start. Benson managed only 5 1/3 innings tonight, giving up 4 earned runs for a 5.06 ERA, while his WHIP was 2.06.

Dawn was appalled by Benson's performance: "craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaptastic. bad kristen. no buscuyt" she said upon hearing the news; she was well hydrated at the time.

"We will be having a chat with Benson," Beth told the press, "This kind of defiance cannot continue as long as I'm managing this team. On top of his ace-calliber ERA, he managed to pick up a win. I'm very displeased."

Pitcher B. Looper made his final appearance with the team tonight, as B. Medders forgot to pack his glove and will not be available for play. Looper tried to join the competition, but found himself only able to bring a WHIP of 2.00 to the plate, without giving up any runs, or getting a win.

Reliever M. Guerrier took his brief opportunity to pad his stats by giving up one run and two hits in his inning of work. Unfortunately, while he brought his ERA up to 6.75, he dropped his WHIP down to 2.25.

"I guess I'll have to try harder next time," he said sadly, "I'm glad my ERA went up, but I'm sad it was at the expense of my WHIP."

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part XV: Beth informed Johnson Thursday morning that he would be moved from the starting rotation to the bullpen, which led the expected shouting session. As the day developed, different problems started developing with the planned move.

"I speak for the entire bullpen--including the new kid [B. Medders] and the guy on the DL who isn't even here [G. Balfour]," said Sass reliever M. Guerrier. "We don't want him. We have our own fun and games, and just from stuff we know in the clubhouse, it would completely wreck the great chemistry and fun we have in the bullpen."

Johnson took offense at this. "Are they saying that I'm not fun? Would I wreck the chemistry? I don't think so. They all respect me, so it would work out just fine. I don't know why they're complaining!"

Beth and Dawn held a meeting yesterday afternoon, and have re-instated Johnson into the starting rotation. At present, he is sitting on the bench. They're undecided if they'll let him make his next start, which they believe is scheduled for Sunday, but they haven't gotten around to checking.

Guerrier would not elaborate on the fun in the bullpen.

Game over? The DL Boys of relief pitchers B. Medders and G. Balfour, and outfielder R. Baldelli had been playing Chutes and Ladders. With Medders being declared healthy and called back to the team, they needed to declare a winner. Baldelli was leading the group, having won eight more games than Balfour and six more games than Medders.

"Grant and I were talking," Baldelli said, "It's just to the two of us in the Sass Villa in Nice [France]. We've got plenty of time still, so we've decided that was Round One, and we'll start a new round today. Any time anyone joins us, a new round will be declared."

Baldelli said he has no idea when he'll be back. "I'm feeling better, obviously, but part of it depends on how well I do in the minor league games here--and how much they need me back on the Sass Team. It looks like our outfield is doing pretty well, so that's discouraging."

Medders said that he's glad to be back up, but it's a tough re-adjustment.

"The entire bullpen knew each other, obviously, and had their own dynamics. I had to walk in just when they were going through a crisis--loosing one of their own [former reliever B. Looper], and then almost ending up with a problem-pitcher. I left behind a group that I really felt like I fit in, and now I have to adjust to this new group. They're great guys, so I'm sure it won't take long," Medders said.

But what does Medders miss the most about being on the DL with Baldelli and Balfour? "Baldy's cooking. Man, the dinners we had were amazing," Medders said, sheepishly.

White Sox Scandal II confuses nations: The entire south side of Chicago was confused this morning when it was revealed that there was no Ozzie Guillen. Apparently, Sass and Twins pitcher C. Silva has simply put on a uniform for the Chicago team, and taken over the helm. Dawn actually noticed the uncanny resemblance on Friday night, and made an off-handed comment, which alerted the ever-suspicious commissioner, who broke the scandal later in the evening.

"On days I pitched, it was not so easy, like when we were in different cities. But I was able to work things out," Silva said. "It's been fun. I'm sorry I got caught and I can't do that any more."

The leagues are trying to work things out, but as of yet, no one is quite sure if he did anything wrong--or why he can't continue.

One cheating scandal cleared as another develops: The owner of the Waukesha Nosaurs has been cleared of all cheating allegations. An investigation was led by an independent source when the commissioner of the BBL would not start one, saying "Fine. Do whatever you want. I don't care anymore." However, new leaks from the Commissioner's office are showing that SBGF had his own reasons for not calling for an investiation.

There is circumstantial evidence that The Assassins cheated. SBGF apparently drafted much better players. The commissioner refuses to allow an investigation, saying that all was equal in the draft and Beth and Dawn just suck. The Sass players immediately stood up for their manager, pointing out how they were totally awesome and lovable.

A. Pierzynski was adamant in his defense of his ex-girlfriend Dawn, "She's as good as they get. During all my down years, she supported me. I know SBGF is only trying to make trouble. And they call me annoying!"

The Sass are currently being shut-out by The Assassins, 0-12.