Notes: Intruder in stable condition

"Oops, my bad," says LNP
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

DETROIT -- Little Nicky Punto noticed Saturday, before the game, that there was a man in the clubhouse who did not seem to belong. In short, there was no reason for a sumo wrestler to be in the clubhouse--or, at least, there was no reason for a sumo wrestler to be in the Sass clubhouse. Punto tapped the man on the shoulder. The man immediately collapsed in agony.

"I was just going to ask him if he was lost," Putno said in disbelief. "I did not mean to hurt him."

Punto has been cleared of all charges of violence, as there were plenty of witnesses of his activities. The wrestler was taken to a local hospital, where he was listed in stable condition last Saturday.

"It's expected that Psycho Sumo from Norway will be in the hospital until next Thursday," a spokesperson from the hospital announced.

It was later discovered that the wrestler was one of Commissioner SBGF's sumo wrestlers, who was going to perform the national anthem before the game. The Sass has been getting thank you notes ever since everything was reported by the press.

"Did you know I lived in England, which is near the European continent, and Norway is in Europe?" SBGF said.

"Did you know we didn't care?" Dawn muttered, referring to Brian's previous homes.

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part XXI: Sass pitcher took his temper tantrum to the mound on Saturday, where he hit Sass outfielder R. Johnson twice with pitches.

"The punk deserved it!" Johnson said, "He earned an award for Children's Literacy Advocacy last year, and I didn't even get nominated."

Johnson readily admits he's never read a children's book in his life, but feels that's no reason not to get nominated.

"It was weird. Every time I was up to bat--well, the first three times, anyway, I was staring at Jerk-Face," Johnson said, "I tried to get out of the way, but he threw at me with such aggression that I could not move that fast."

An Evil teammate of Johnson's also hit Johnson with a pitch later in the game. Johnson has reported that he is okay, and there is no need for x-rays.

Beth and Dawn are considering benching Johnson, but at this point just aren't sure which of their pitchers should be benched.

Brother facing brother: The Sass clubhouse is often said to be like one big happy family, but when a Sass teammate faces a Sass teammate, it's very comparable to brothers competing. On Sunday, besides the Johnsons facing each other, Sass second baseman P. Polanco and Sass shortstop C. Guillen faced Sass pitcher C. Silva. In a fight of the Carloses, Guillen won handily, going 2-2 against Silva, both being home runs. Polanco went 1-2, scoring once.

"Someone is getting his bed shortsheeted tonight," Silva vowed. "Actually, two someones." Silva then made the reporters take a vow of silence.

Beth and Dawn were unavailable for comment, but the sobs coming from the managers office were a bit telling. After they left, a picture of Johnson and SBGF hugging was on the center of the dart board.

"I think they need help," said a concerned A. Pierzynski, "They usually can't stand picture of either of those guys--even on a dart board--so it's a bit scary when they willingly admit to the existence of either of them."

Pierzynski, along with Punto and Sass pitcher M. Guerrier all removed the picture and destroyed it. Due to the slightly tense relationships between the thee men, stemming around their love of Dawn, it was very touching for all other members of the Sass.

"It reminds me of some book--I forget which one," Dunn said, "But it was awesome watching those three men, who by all rights should hate each other, working together to help the woman they love."

An apology: Beth sent the following memo to all members of the Sass team on Saturday: "Sorry for the lack of update on Saturday. I was tired."

Sass players were a bit concerned, although Beth has not necessarily written Sass Notes every weekend since the season started, she had indicated that she would be writing this weekend. However, when the game was over on Friday night, she felt no energy to write, and the games on Saturday started at noon, and it's well-documented that she doesn't get up early on Saturdays unless there's a very, very good reason. Apparently, the Sass team found out, "writing Sass Notes" doesn't qualify as a very, very good reason.

"I'm kinda hurt," outfielder J. Dye said., "I mean, we know she loves us, but it doesn't take her that long to write these, and she still couldn't manage to write them."

Beth had no explanation why there was no writing, and made no promises about future writing.

Kyle Lohse spoke for the whole team, "It's not that we're insulted. We're just confused. There's always a story to tell with us, and we know she enjoys writing. We're hoping there's nothing seriously wrong that prevented her from writing."

Coming up: Sunday, Sass pitcher K. Lohse will take the mound.

"I'm so not watching this one," Beth said. "Every other outing, Lohse's given up 8 runs, and he's due again. Actually, I will not be able to watch. Hooray for special church services that won't get out until after the game is over. I hope."