Breaking news: Commissioner suspected in toilet-papering hotel rooms of Baja Manitoba players

rachel breimeier/clubhouse manager

Batling Baseball League commissioner SBGF has been named as the chief suspect in the Monday toilet-papering of the hotel rooms of several members of the Baja Manitoba team.

The Kansas City Police Department initially suspected members of the Sass team, but cleared team members when they discovered that the brand of toilet paper that was used is only sold in New York. “Once we realized that it’s only sold in New York, the focus of the investigation shifted significantly,” a spokesman for the department said. “After all, we all know SBGF lives there. The guy never shuts up about it.”

Baja Manitoba players are still traumatized by the incident. “Every time I open the door to my room, I just… freeze,” J. Posada said. “I’m so afraid that there will be more toilet paper there. It-it was everywhere, man! I didn’t know what to do!” Posada then ran off to hide.

Meanwhile, SBGF has released this official statement:
I had nothing to do with the toilet-papering of those hotel rooms. It had to be someone from the Sass team. I mean, really. All signs point to them. Besides, I live in New York. I’m waaaaaay too cool to spend my time toilet-papering someone’s hotel room. I’m also really busy doing all kinds of cool actor stuff. Have I ever mentioned that I’m an actor? I am. As if living in New York and being an actor wasn’t cool enough, I also work for the World Sumo League. That’s right, I work with sumo wrestlers.

There was probably more to SBGF’s statement, but most of the reporters realized it was pointless to listen to him anymore.