We're Going to Disney World!

Team managers Beth and Dawn Sass were both shocked when the Here for the Sass Football team won the Championship Zoober Bowl game in the League of Zoob Fantasy Football League. In fact, they were skeptical until the league commissioner presented them with the League of Zoob Championship banner with their name and logo.

"I guess this is real, then," said Dawn. "I'm really surprised. I was only vaguely aware of us having a football team, and Beth knows nothing about football. She spent the entire season in the locker room drawing pictures on the play board. I thought the only accomplishment of the season was that Beth can now draw a passable cat."

The team was very excited with their vicotry, especially when starting quarterback Peyton Manning was held out of the last game on the request of his NFL team.

"Yeah, that made things difficult, the Manning brother couldn't play, but Jack [Delhomme] had done pretty well this year when we put him in, so we weren't worried," Beth said. "By the way...which Manning brother did we have on our team? Was it Eli or Peyton?"

Running Back Steven Jackson led the way in the 63.05-44.66 championship vicotry with 22.75 points by himself.

"Jackson did an excellent job," gushed Beth. "It almost makes me want to figure out what a running back actually is!" Beth has never even attempted to figure out how each team member scored points.

The entire Here for the Sass franchise, including the front office and any player who wore a Sass uniform, will take a trip to Disney World before baseball starts in April.

Regular Champions

For the first time, a Here for the Sass team will be heading to the playoffs. After an impressive season, the Here for the Sass football team managed to finish the regular seaosn in first place, and is heading to the playoffs.

"Awesome!" said Sass Tight End Antonion Gates. "We had some great coaching this year that really inspired the team."

Beth looked a little surprised at the priase. "No, really. I have no idea what a tight end is. Or a running back. I know they're offense positions, because they're on that part of the roster, but I have no idea what they do on the field."

Running Back Hines Ward looked at Beth in shock remarking that she drew up some fantastic plays on the board in the locker room, that gave the team the element of surprise in their contests.

"Plays? I was drawing pictures of flowers. Man, I've gotta go to art school," Beth said in response.

The Sass note that on paper, their team should've come in fifth place, but they're happy with their first place finish. "Sometimes, it's not how good you are, but how lucky you are," said Defenseman Chike Okeafor.

"Great. Just great. Some people win the lottery. Some people have great kids. Some people land in the perfect job. My luck is in fantasy football," Beth muttered.

NOTES: Delay of Game

Checking out the growing season
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- Umpires were frustrated in Thursday’s game with the Sass. While most games move along slowly based on pitchers who take a long time, the Sass just took a long time getting their outfield ready. Three outfielders were sent to the field, Melky Cabrera, Lastings Milledge, and Marco Scutaro. However, as pitchers Jake Peavy and Fausto Carmona took the their final warm-up pitches (they threw every other pitch throughout the game), they noticed their outfielders stopped playing catch, and were gathered in right center field.

“There was a huge patch of clover!” explained Melky later. “We knew there had to be a four-leaf clover in there somewhere, and we wanted luck on our side.”

It was reported that Marco found two four-leaf clovers. While his story was confirmed by Melky and Lastings, there was no proof.

The Groundscrew Chief, Kyle Lohse, was told to find some better weed-killer to use while the Sass are on the road next week.

Flowers.. In an attempt to beautiful the Sass clubhouse, catcher Joe Mauer, bullpen pitcher Jeremy Accardo, and Clubhouse Manager Rachel all worked together to get vases of flowers strategic placed. Jeremy enjoys growing flowers, and constantly has them in pots around Sass Stadium, including a small flower garden around the vegetable garden started by bullpen pitcher Joe Borowski. Joe enjoys flower-arranging, so Rachel rounded up some vases and some small tables, and Joe got to work.

Joe has been working on flower-arranging and taking classes since he was in junior high, and has received many awards at botany shows throughout the nation. He also teaches classes for the local community education program during the winter.

“There are many great flower artists that simply need to be encouraged,” Joe said. “The key is picking good flowers in the first place.”

Groceries in the bullpen With Joe at the Sass Rehabilitation Facility in Nice, the bullpen is trying to keep his vegetable garden growing.

“We’re not botanists out here,” said reliever Matt Guerrier. “But we do try our best. I think all the plants should still be alive and healthy when Joe comes back--not perfect or as lush as he keeps them, but they’ll be alive.”

Each member of the bullpen has picked a particular section of the garden for their own to care for.

“I picked the green beans and zucchini,” said closer Jonathan Papelbon. “Those are my favorites.”

NOTES: Nerd Wars

Suduko versus crossword puzzles
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS - It’s no secret in the Sass clubhouse that pitcher Matt Guerrier and first baseman Nick Swisher are rivals. Matt G. is from Cleveland, Ohio, and Nick is from Columbus, Ohio. What started as a rivalry between which city is “awesomer”, it’s moved to almost every aspect of their lives. It reached a new high--or low--on Wednesday, when Matt G. started his daily suduko puzzle, just as Nick was pulling out his daily crossword puzzle.

“Crossword puzzles are so much harder,” said Nick. “Suduko is just putting in numbers. Any child can do that. A child would need a pretty good vocabulary and do a lot of studying to solve a crossword puzzle.”

Matt G. disagreed, “Sure, any kid could do a simple suduko puzzle, but any kid could also do a simple crossword puzzle. There are some very challenging suduko puzzles out there.”

So far, utility player Casey Blake has joined Matt G. in the agreement that suduko taxes the logical part of the brain, which uses a lot more effort than simple words; pitcher Justin Miller has joined Nick that the knowledge of trivia and vocabulary necessary to complete a crossword puzzle is much more taxing.

Shoes! With the loss of outfielder Juan Encarnacion to free agency, Manager Dawn Sass lost her shoe-shopping buddy. However, she was pleasantly surprised when pitcher Jake Peavy and catcher Joe Mauer invited her to go shoe shopping with them.

“Jake loves to go shopping, so we thought it was only fitting to invite Dawn to go shoe shopping,” Joe said.

Jake was pretty excited to check out the local shops, although he admitted shoes weren’t usually his destination. “I really just love to shop,” Jake said. “Joe’s pretty dedicated to shoes, but usually I can get him to look at clothes and toys and electronics and movies and books and…well, everything, when we got out. But if given the choice, he heads for the shoes.”

Gooooal! While pitcher Kyle Kendrick was on the mound on Wednesday, he was completely focused. However, he later admitted that when he was in the dugout, he was getting hockey updates from Sass Photographer and Manager of Hakan’s Loob, Bobbi.

“It’s playoff time, and things are really exciting,” Kyle gushed. “This is when things get really exciting.”

While normally Manager Beth Sass joins him in discussions about hockey, she was at Church Wednesday, and noted that since the Minnesota Wild were off that night, she likely wouldn’t have been paying that close of attention to hockey.

“I love hockey, no doubt,” Beth said, “But baseball is really my first love.”

NOTES: Literacy program re-activated

AAA pitcher thrilled to join the Sass
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

DETROIT - Ever since Adam Dunn left, the Sass were missing a vocal spokesperson for reading, but with the call-up of relief pitcher Justin Miller from the Vancouver Sarcastics, the Sass Literacy now has a face.

“I’ve always loved to read, ever since my mom picked read me Dr. Seuss books. I think she started reading to me when I was an infant, but obviously I don’t remember what. The first memories I have are of Mom or Dad reading Dr. Seuss to me. I absolutely could not wait until I could read myself. I started reading early, and was always in advanced reading classes.”

The Sass will have their weekly children’s book give-away, and the Sass website will feature Justin reading the book aloud to Evan Longoria. The book readings can be found in the video section of the Sass site.

“Books have opened up whole new worlds to me. They’ve been an escape after bad games, and help make those bus trips in the minors go so much quicker. I owe it all to my parents for their encouragement on reading from such a young age, I want all children to have the experience of books,” Justin said.

Mr. and Mrs. Miller could not be reached for comments; the said they’d get back as soon as they finished their respective books. Mr. Miller is reading the entire Harry Potter set, and Mrs. Miller is finishing a collection of Henry James novels.

More help for Nice With pitcher Matt Garza feeling better and starting to do some baseball related activities, Nice Coordinator Grant Balfour expressed relief that a new face is coming to Nice. Relief pitcher Joe Borowski will be heading to Nice to rest his strained triceps muscle.

“All rooms in Nice are now full,” reported Beth Sass. “We’re just hoping to make it through the next couple of weeks without further injuries.”

Third baseman Andy LaRoche has been throwing the ball, but says, “Strong or accurate throw. Pick one.” Matt Garza has begun playing catch in hopes of being back in the rotation the end of April. The Nice AA Nice Guys are looking forward to seeing both men play in rehab soon.

The entire bullpen has promised they’ll take care of Joe’s vegetable garden until he comes back.

Dancing in the Streets. It was a long route, but relief pitcher Jonathan Papelbon has longed enjoyed practicing ballet as toning and strengthening exercises, and relief pitcher Scott Downs has been taking dance classes of every kind since his mother put him in a toddler dance class at age three.

“I found dance to be relaxing and demanding at the same time. As a kid, my parents knew they’d either find me in the basement practicing dance, or outside in the yard practicing baseball. There was nothing else to me.”

Jonathan picked up dancing ballet as an exercise in high school, but has never performed. Scott and Jonathan immediately started doing workouts together.

“I’ve only had a few classes, but mostly rely on books and videos,” Jonathan said, “So it’s really nice to have Scott here to refine my movements and help me with things that just haven’t made sense.” The two workout together every day.

Joining Scott and Jonathan is Melky Cabrera. Melky and Jonathan didn’t see much of each other in Spring Training, but were assigned lockers next to each other in Minnesota and on the road.

“It was amazing. We’ve known each other two weeks, and yet, I feel like I’ve known him my entire life,” Melky said. “It was instant. We both admitted we were only planning on sticking around Sass stadium long enough to unpack our bags, but the security guys had to ask us to leave so they could lock up at midnight. We just kept talking, and time just flew right by.”

Melky is joining Jonathan and Scott in the dance workouts. “It’s tougher than I thought it would be, but it definitely helps me move better in the outfield,” Melky said, laughing.

21? Twenty-one. It’s the drinking age. It’s the desired score in blackjack. And, as of Wednesday morning, it was the Sass ERA for the week.

Beth just whimpered.

NOTES: Back to the usual

Another week, another loss
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

DETROIT - The Sass reported on Monday afternoon that they posted a 3-10-1 loss to Kristie’s Tygers.

“Well, the win last week really threw off Beth and Dawn, so we decided to act more like our usual selves,” explained second baseman Rickie Weeks. “I spend last week reading about the history of the Sass, which is fascinating stuff. From where this team started in 2006, they’ve come managed something few teams have: starting at the bottom and moving to their ranking that’s in the bottom half.”

Joe Borowski and Jeremy Accardo both worked hard to blow saves and give up runs, but most of the pitching rotation tried to help.

“I just can’t do it,” explained pitcher Jake Peavy. “Dawn has so much faith in me, I just can’t.”

In an odd turn of events from previous years, hitting worked especially hard to suck as much as the pitching.

“Sometimes you’ve gotta sacrifice yourself for the team,” explained utility player Casey Blake. “We’ve got a great example in Joe Mauer right now. That guy can hit, and here he is, trying to fit in with the rest.”

When asked about it, Mauer responded, “This team works hard, and there are lots of guys to inspire.”

The Boy is Back in Town! The Sass were given permission by Major League Baseball earlier this week to allow third baseman Evan Longoria to re-join the Sass after his brief stint with the Sass AAA team, the Vancouver Sarcastics. The Sassians were thrilled to have him back with the team.

“After Spring Training, we really missed him around the clubhouse. He brings a lot of life to this offense, and to the clubhouse,” said outfielder Lastings Milledge. “Besides, now I’m not the youngest kid on the team.”

While the team welcomed him back with open arms, catcher Paul Lo Duca was a little glum. “Now that he’s back, I’m in charge of making sure he’s buckled into his car seat before the team bus leaves. It’s a huge responsibility.”

Concert! As the Sass being their plans of starting a Sass Orchestra, pitcher Fausto Carmona held an impromptu concert in the clubhouse Monday evening after the game, where he played a mashed up version of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata and an small part of Mozart’s Magic Flute.

Coming up: All members of the Sass and their front office are reminded to see Fausto if they’d like to join the Sass Orchestra. Lessons will be given throughout May, and practices will intensify in June, for a series of Sunday night concerts starting after the All-Star Break.

NOTES: Oh, yeah…

Sass win first series in dominating fashion
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

CHICAGO - Here for the Sass realized Wednesday afternoon that they won the first series of the year in somewhat dominating fashion. While it was no where near 14-0, the final record of 10-2-2 was pretty amazing, especially for a team that had less than 12 ties all of last year.

“I think we tied 6 times,” reported Beth Sass, “But we’re not really sure. We lost our scorebook.”

The Sass were pretty quiet about their win.

“Well, it was really an elaborate April Fool’s joke that went awry,” admitted pitcher Kyle Kendrick. “We’re making up for it this week, playing more to Sass standards.”

It’s a long growing season. There is definitely feelings of anxiety amongst two of the Sass bullpen pitchers. Relievers Joe Borowski and Jeremy Accardo had already set up plans for growing plants in the bullpen. Joe already has multiple plants started in his locker, and noted that the seedlings were about ready to be planted outdoors, but the weather has not cooperated.

“It’s too cold, and it’s supposed to snow in Minnesota. I don’t think we’ve ever had snow in New Jersey this late in the year!” said Joe.

Jeremy, an Arizona native, just looked stunned when he saw the weather report. “Snow? It’s spring! It can’t snow in spring! It must be a sign of the end of the world! It’s impossible.”

Minnesota native, Catcher Joe Mauer looked at him and shrugged, “I’ve built snowmen in May before.” Jeremy simply looked at Joe in horror.

Singing in the rain… With their Minnesota Twins and Chicago White Sox being rained out, it was requested by the Batling Fantasy Baseball that all three men sit on the bench. While it was frustrating to Beth and Dawn, who were already short players, they complied with the rules. This led to excitement.

“I totally get to play in my first BFB game!” shouted back-up catcher Paul Lo Duca. Paul was actually in Nice recently to spend time with former Sass outfielder Rocco Baldelli, and has been spending so much time cooking for the Sass that Beth and Dawn usually left him out of the line-up.

“Besides,” Beth said, “It’s funnier to have a 6’6” catcher than a 5’10” catcher.” Upon being informed that Joe was listed at 6’5’, Beth responded, “Meh, he’s taller than anyone else on the team, so I’m not going to quibble over details. I would, however, like to see proof of his height.”