Notes: Welcoming new faces

Aarons welcomed to the Sass team
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Sass team welcomed two Aarons and a Brad to their team today. Aaron Cook comes to the Sass from Colorado, Aaron Harang comes to the Sass from Cincinnati, and Brad Halsey comes to the Sass from Oakland.

Brad was officially on the team when Julio Mateo was injured, while Aaron C. replaced the injured Tomo Ohka. Brad has actually pitched for the Sass already this year, but because it was immediately after joining the team, there was no time to celebrate. As Aaron C. and Aaron H. both joined the team today for the first time, celebrations were held.

"Man, this is the greatest clubhouse, ever," Harang said, in obvious stunned amazement. "I walk in the door and suddenly there's Adam [Dunn] and e.e. [Edwin Encarnacion], both of them giving me hugs and slaps on the back. Guys I never met were coming up to me and treating me like they'd known me for ages. I played with Adam and e.e. in Cincinnati, so I was surprised by them, but to have guys I never met before--like this Little Nicky Punto. Absolutely great guy, comes up and offers to help me unpack."

Cook, not knowing any of the current Sass players, was similarly surprised.

"I admit that I was kinda surprised. I walked into Sass Stadium, and this girl walks up and asks me who I am. She was pretty--dark, curly hair, dressed nicely, and had awesome shoes. Turns out, the first person I meet is my new owner/manager. She walked me into the clubhouse, and introduced me, and suddenly I had five guys shaking my hands, another one giving me a hug, and...wow. It was just so welcoming."

Brad Halsey's experience was quite different, as he didn't even get much of a chance to put his bag in the clubhouse before he was needed down on the field to pitch. Justin Duchschrererer, who had been a teammate of Halsey's in Oakland, was there to walk him through the clubhouse and to the field. Halsey admitted that finding out that reliever Ambiorix Burgos and e.e. had set up a train running around the clubhouse was the coolest thing ever, and hopes to help them with further expansion.

Balloons, of course, were on hand Saturday, as well as more pancake cake.

Punishment assessed: Shortstop Carlos Guillen learned the danger of playing against the Minnesota Twins. In the last week and a half, he's had the opportunity to play against the Twins five times. While he assumed that hitting well, stealing bases, and fielding his position were highly-revered skills, he did not realize that doing such things against the Twins is reason for punishment.

"We tolerated it last weekend. We were pretty upset Friday night. But tonight, that was the last straw. Carlos G. will not be allowed any of Mrs. Guillen's cookies for the next two days. Pending his behavior, he may be allowed to eat cookies again on Tuesday," Beth said.

Guillen was apologetic, "I guess I'll have to remember what team I'm playing. I know Beth and Dawn love us, but sometimes I forget that they love the Twins more. Probably because the Twins don't have SBGF involved in the management anywhere."

Empty locker as a tribute: Clubhouse Manager Rachel was left in a quandary. There are enough lockers in Sass Stadium for there to be empty ones, but she was undecided about what to do about the locker vacated by former Sass pitcher R. Johnson.

"Former sounds so lovely," Dawn said, dreamily.

The problem came when Rach realized she didn't want to touch anything Johnson had touched. Sass outfielder Reed Johnson, who knew he was only claimed off the Free Agent list because of Randy Johnson, offered to do it for her.

"It was a generous offer by Reed, but I felt that would be entirely too cruel to make him do that," Rach said.

The team took a vote and decided that Johnson's former locker would covered with black cloth. The team will treat it as a fitting tribute to the man who hated every one of them. In the off-season, the locker will be removed, so no one would ever have to use that locker again.

"Eww," said Sass pitcher Matt Guerrier. "I would never take his locker. I don't want his suckiness wearing off on me."

New signals developed for Sass team: When Sass players look down to third base coach Lew Ford this week, they're going to see new sets of signs.

"I don't think the Mockball team was going to steal our signs. They're a morally upright team. Cheating is not their style. If they win, it's a fair win. Unlike when we played SBGF. They were stealing signs. That's why it seemed like our pitching melted down," Lewww said, "It's just that none of our guys were getting my old signs. It was easy: Jedi moves were hit-and-run, Doom was steal...they were all easy. I was tired of four weeks of boring signs."

Beth and Dawn talked with Lewww and said that the entire Sass team was having trouble with his new signs--mostly remembering them. It was decided that he would go back to the traditional signs, with a few extra bonus signs adapted specially for the Sass players unique capabilities.

On Saturday night, Carlos G. came to the plate with Adam, who had walked, at first. Lewww immediately sprung into action with the newest unique Sass sign: "Don't hit into a double play." Unfortunately, Carlos G. missed the sign, and the inning was ended.

"I feel like a moron. I didn't see him make any move when I glanced down to third base so I assumed I was on my own. I imagine he was waiting for that narrator in his head to tell him what to do, and I looked away before he could make the sign."

It is expected that the new set of signs will be used for future games. Don't be surprised to see Lewww standing balanced on one leg with both hands on top of his head. That's the Sass sign for, "Get hit by a pitch. It's your only chance of getting on base."

"Batting practice has not been successful," Dawn said, "But now that [censored] Johnson is gone, we might start holding Naked Batting Practice."

A call to the fans: Beth was very disappointed in the fielding ability of Sass fans on foul balls.

"There were two, three fouls in the third inning alone last night that should've been catches, but were dropped by the fans. They are getting lax in their attitude, and we don't tolerate the Christian Guzman school of fielding here on the Sass Team, so i think it's unfair to the players if the fans aren't living up to the same level of intensity. I know the fans want to do well, so I think some basic skills practice is necessary."

All fans are required to show up an hour early for Sunday's game to put in some extra practice at fielding foul balls.