Notes: Sass not offensive

Sass lose in a no-hitter
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- With half the team benched for Monday's game, all remaining players were expected to play. Monday night Beth and Dawn had one question about their decision: "Why didn't we bench the entire team?"

"For the love of all that's sane," Beth said, "We had 21 at-bats in this game, and managed to get no hits?"

The Sass offense narrowly avoided a no-no, when Carlos Guillen walked twice (scoring once), and J. Encarnacion hit a sacrifice fly to advance a runner.

The pitching staff didn't put up stellar numbers, as K. Benson, the only available player who did not play, was the only one to not disappoint the owners. The T. Ohka and B. Looper managed to combine for 4.2 innings of work, giving up 6 runs, 4 walks, and striking out only 2.

"Good job, boys," Dawn said, sarcastically.

Beth added her own inspiration, "Well, at least we can't do much worse tomorrow. Please don't take that as a personal challenge, boys."

The final score in the game was 9-0, in favor of the Waukesha Nosaurs. Guillen's run didn't count. He apparently was playing poker against the league commissioner on Sunday, and Guillen won soundly. The commissioner took issue and has docked Guillen's run from the final score.

It's in the Numbers: Sass pitcher J. Mateo announced that although his team lost soundly on Monday, his stocks went up by 13%.

"That's a really impressive gain for me in one day. I've been talking with my investment managers about what we should do--we're really disagreeing about what we want to sell, and what we want to hold on to."

Mateo has been heavily involved in the stock market ever since reading the New York Times business section when he was eight years old. Someone left a copy of the U.S. newspaper on the bus in his native country of Dominican Republic.

"I admit that I found one of the coolest things about coming to the U.S. to play baseball was the opportunity to get involved in stocks," Mateo told reporters Monday. "They say America is the land of opportunity, and I think the U.S. stock market is the biggest opportunity a young child learn about."

R. Johnson throws a tantrum, Part VI: Sass pitcher J. Duchscherererer was bored on Monday afternoon, after being benched from the game, that he started to measure the locker widths of the Sass players. He discovered that Sass first baseman D. Mientkiewicz's locker was the largest, by .2 inches, and Sass outfielder R. Johnson had the smallest locker .125 inches. Sass pitcher R. Johnson threw a fit.

"Am I not the biggest named player on the team? Don't I deserve the largest locker? I don't even get a corner locker--they could at least give me the largest!" R. Johnson yelled.

A. Pierzynski and D. Mientkiewicz rushed their infant son out of the locker room to avoid the language then offered by Johnson.

Coming together, falling apart: The two youngest Sass player, pitcher A. Burgos and infielder E. Encarnacion did their own interpretation of the Benson relationship.

"See, this G.I. Joe is like Kristin, and this G.I. Joe is like Anna. It would be cooler if Mom would let me get a Barbie, but she said that the Barbie backpack I carry out to the bullpen is enough Barbie stuff for me," Burgos said, "Anyway, Anna says, 'No, I don't like you anymore! Go away.' and Kristin is all like, 'Uh, okay." and Anna is like, 'I was kidding! I love you! Just don't cheat on me!' and Kristin is like, 'Uh, okay.'"

Encarnacion burst into giggles as he and Burgos continued the fake conversation by Benson and wife.

Benson was not amused, "Oh, like Anna and I would ever wear army camo. Well, we might, but it wouldn't be baggy camo."

Tonight: The Sass will be playing without a catcher and shortstop today, to see if it works better than yesterday's experiment without the first baseman, third baseman, and outfielder. Again, the empty positions will be filled with a utility role. E. Brown is expected to spend more time catching than at short stop. K. Benson will be on the mound for the Sass. With thoughts of his wife and their "we're separated with no chance of getting together--psych!" relationship, stability is not thought to be a key component of Benson's game this year.

"I don't know if it really matters," Beth said, contemplatively, "The Waukesha Nosaurs have an unfair advantage over us. They're actually really good."

It's opening night! Sass owners have announced that they will be unable to manage tonight's team, as it's the Minnesota Twins home opener, and there's nothing more important than that. Clubhouse manager Rach, then announced she, too, would be absent. Rumors have former Minnesota Twins Manager R. Miller coming in to coach the team.