Notes: R. Johnson Update

Personal Lives taking over
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- Sass announcer, R. Johnson was a bit concerned when he noticed he was scheduled not only to pitch Sunday night, but also to start in left field on Tuesday night. "That's quite a switch. I'm not sure I'm physically prepared for two demanding roles in so few nights. It's been years since I played Little League." Owners Beth and Dawn informed Johnson that those positions would be played by the other R. Johnsons on the team, although they did not commit to who was playing in what position.

Wives and Lovers: Sass players idly wondered if Kris Benson's wife, Anna, would hold true to her threat to sleep with the entire team if he ever cheated on her--and if it counted if it happened while they were seperated.

R. Johnson brought up the spirits of the team by announcing that his wife made the same deal. Sass players were disappointed when they discovered that the offer was not made by the wife of 29-year-old R. Johnson, but instead by the wife of 42-year-old R. Johnson.

Love Child?: R. Johnson has made the news lately for fathering a child 16 years ago. His illegitimate daughter bitterly complained that she and her father have never had a real relationship. R. Johnson's four legitimate children are shocked.

"Oh, we're not shocked that we have a half-sister. Dad's a ballplayer; we know that things happen. Our confusion is that she wants to meet him. Dad's got a temper. He's never hurt us, but it's kinda scary. And, face it, the biggest reason we're glad that he's gone for seven or eight months of the year playing baseball is because he's UGLY. Has she never noticed that? Does she really want him around?" R. Johnson, eldest child of Johnson and wife, Lisa, said in a statement today.

"Every day, I look in the mirror, hoping I look more like Mom than Dad. It's my biggest fear someday that someone will come up to me and say, 'You must be R. Johnson's child! You look just like him!" R. Johnson, another of Johnson and Lisa's children, confided.

Johnson could not be reached for comment. Well, he could have been, but no one really wants to talk to him.

Johnson throws a tantrum, Part I: R. Johnson was seen yelling at the rest of the pitching staff late Tuesday for slacking.

"I felt it was time. We were three games into the season, and I'm the only starting pitcher to have pitched. And only two relievers had come into the game--for an inning apiece with no saves. This just shouldn't be. And then we have guys sitting there whining 'I'm hurt'. That just doesn't happen on our team! I want guys who will get out there and PLAY. None of this wimping out! I can't carry this team on my own!"

C. Silva, K. Lohse, T. Ohka, and K. Benson all rolled their eyes, "We're starting pitchers. It's not like we play every day. There are five pitchers in a rotation, and some teams didn't even start playing until Tuesday," Lohse said, representing the group.

Relievers M. Guerrier and B. Looper agreed. "It's not like the relievers get a choice of when we pitch or not," Looper said.

B. Medders added in his two cents, "Look, injuries happen, Mr. Tough Guy. Let me get better so I don't blow all our leads."

G. Balfour, characteristically, said nothing.

It's a Boy!: D. Mientkiewicz, A.J. Pierzynski, and M. Grudzielanek have decided to do something for the sake of the children, and have adopted a child together. All three men are happily married, with Pierzynski and Mientkiewicz recently becoming first-time fathers, while Grudzielanek has one son. The three men had already arranged joint custody of the 2-month-old baby boy adopted earlier this month. All three fathers and step-mothers are very excited about the new addition to their families.

"It's fun watching those three doting on their little boy," Placido Polanco said, "They're always ready to jump up to give him a bottle. They're completely committed to keeping their son happy and content."

Caring for the child is no struggle or hardship, as they completely agree on the parenting of the son, with very little discussion. The three men said that their biggest discussion to date was about what their son's name should be, but it wasn't too much of struggle before an agreement was reached.

"The first and middle names were easy--our middle names. The only thing we really struggled with was his last name, so we decided we'd just hyphenate his last name," Pierzynski told the press early Tuesday.

Child Protection Services have filed charges on behalf of James Andrew John Grudzielanek-Mientkiewicz-Pierzynski on grounds of cruelty to children.