Notes: Name changes for players

Players going by new nicknames
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team announced this morning that Heath Miller will henceforth be referred to as Henry Miller. The reason for the change came from Head Coach Beth, who prefers the name as she finds it easier to remember. A little research has found that Beth’s older brother is named Henry, and it was all cleared up. Along a similar vein, Justin Miller has been referred to as Jacob, because that is the name of Beth’s younger brother.

Sass relief pitcher Darren Oliver nodded when he heard the news, “Beth’s never been very good with names. It’s not that she doesn’t care about the people, but somehow names don’t stick with her.”

Beth pouted, “C’mon, Dan. I remember your name now!” The entire clubhouse broke out in laughter. “It’s not Dan, is it? Meh, if you’d have a GOOD name, like Mikko Koivu, or T.J. Houshmandzadeh, it would be so much easier!”

Cake! Ghetto Cub Pancake Cake cupcakes were on hand to welcome new quarterback Mike Burnell to the team on Tuesday morning.

“Wow. I’ve never seen a clubhouse quite like this,” was Mike’s only comment, as he took in the pink and purple locker room. When Kat showed him his football uniform, he laughed. When he was told that, no, this wasn’t rookie hazing, it was his uniform, he paled considerably.

“Pink and purple? On a football team? Are they insane?”

Sass third baseman Little Nicky Punto nodded, “Pretty much. Don’t worry. You’ll be surprised how quickly insanity sets in, and how much fun you have when it does.”

New coach to the Defensive Line:Sass pitcher, and head of the Sass Rehabilitation Facility in Nice, Grant Balfour, was named the coach of the Defensive Line. Grant has admitted that he likes football, but that he’s still learning the rules.

Grant reported was honored but confused by the appointment, in a statement released from the Sass Rehabilitation Facility.

Beth later explained that “Grant spent so much time on the DL [Disabled List], I assumed he’d handle the DL [Defensive Line].”

Fantasy teams not going well for some: Sass defensive tackle Luis Castillo is taking a lot of ribbing lately for his fantasy football team, which he has named “Minnesota Vikings.” The team is currently sitting with a record of 4-3.

“Where did you come up with a name like ‘Minnesota Vikings?’” asked Sass outfielder Juan Encarnacion.

Luis explained that he had played baseball this summer with the Minnesota Twins, and noted that there was a lot of Scandinavian influence in the state, thus coming up with the name of the team.

“But they’re not beating our team!” taunted Sass pitcher Aaron Harang, who’s Cincinnati Bengals are 7-0 in the same league. Edwin Encarnacion giggled gleefully.

Luis is a what some people call a sports fanatic. If he’s not playing or practicing for a sport, he’s watching it. And sometimes he’ll be practicing and watching at the same time. “It’s a bit disconcerting to see Luis on the sidelines with a portable television,” said quarterback Chad Pennington, “but when he gets on the field, he leaves it behind and plays 100%, so we’re all okay with it. It just makes it all the more flabbergasting that he’s doing so poorly in the fantasy league. But that’s what you get for picking Brad Johnson for your quarterback. He couldn’t even pick ME!”

Beth explained that the guys were randomly grouped together to form teams for the Sass Fantasy Football League. “I was hoping we could have the Encarnacion team, but no such luck.”