Notes: Team breakfasts now required

Psychologists discover simple solution
By Beth Sass / hereforthesass.blogspot.com

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Here for the Sass team, while being a close-knit group, has never had breakfast together. While it has always been provided, most players chose to fore-go the prepared food, and find breakfast on their own. However, this week Beth has mandated breakfast will be eaten as prepared.

“It’s not that it’s an assigned time. Dawn and I are opposite ends of the spectrum--she’s a morning person, and I’m a night person--so we’re sensitive to the team. The only thing that’s demanded is that they eat the breakfast prepared for them.

Twink, from the Jello Fighters, was called in earlier this week to try to discover why the Sass played so streaky. After a very brief analysis, she pointed out it was completely obvious that the entire team suffered from severe Attention Deficit Disorder.

“That makes sense,” Dawn said, “They would often do great to start the week, and then they’d get bored, and there was no concentration on the game as they all wandered off mentally, causing us to lose leads so hard fought to get.”

Breakfasts with the Sass will now be laced with trace amounts of ADD medication, in hopes that it will help the team.

“Hopefully with increased concentration, we’ll be able to continue competing,” Beth said. She then pointed off towards right field, “Ohhh…shiny thing!” and wandered off.

Athletes RUN! The Sass team has been struggling lately. As athletes, they enjoy running and moving as quickly as possible. While they’ve usually done quite well in the walks category, lately they’ve been failing--and by quite large margins.

“Walking is no fun!,” outfielder Juan Encarnacion said, “I want to hit the ball, not stand there with a bat on my shoulder. Even Beth can do that.”

Hitting coach Michael Restovich has been sitting down with the players and making them watch their at-bats. Many players consider this cruelty, but Mikey has said that “sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind.”

DL update: The Sass were disappointed to learn from trainers that Grant Balfour’s projected return to the line-up was pushed way back from “mid-June”, which was the initial estimated time of arrival when he was placed on the DL in March, but it’s now expected that the soonest anyone will see him in a Sass uniform is August.

“That’s a total bummer,” Beth said, sadly, “I was looking forward to seeing him pitch again. It’s been a long time.”
Grant did not pitch in 2005, and is recovering from Tommy John surgery performed last May as well as shoulder surgery performed last September.

Rocco Baldelli has been hitting extremely well in his AA re-hab assignment with the Sass’s Nice Nice Guys. In a league that’s known as a pitcher’s league, Baldelli is hitting .348 with 3 doubles.

Justin Duchscherererererer is still out with elbow tendonitis. He has yet to resume throwing, although trainers report that he’s “close.” No date has been projected, but it’s probably at least two weeks until he’s able to return.

There is no change in condition in Tomo Ohka, leading trainers to believe that surgery might be required on his shoulder.

Dawn is reportedly much better, and hopes to join the team very soon--quite possibly even Thursday, June 1. The entire Sass team is waiting expectantly for Dawn’s return.

I hope I never have to make that call again! Sass announcers recall a play they had to make late in the game yesterday, when some bench players came on for defense replacement. The final out was recorded like this: “It’s a long fly ball to the outfield, Frank Catalanotto and Juan Encarnacion are chasing--but it falls in for a hit! Catalanotto gets to the ball. Here’s the throw into the infield! Short stop Placido Polanco cuts the ball and relays it to third baseman Edwin Encarnacion and Scott Hatteberg is caught in a run-down. Encarnacion flips it to catcher A.J. Pierzynwki who is able to take Hatteberg out! Wait! Now Omar Vizquel is trapped between first and second. Pierzynski makes a strong throw to Mientkiewiciz, who flips it to Mark Grudzielanek, back to Mientkiewicz. To Polanco. Back to Mientkiewicz, who runs down Vizquel! Double play!”

Reporters made Beth and Dawn both promise to always keep Jermaine Dye in centerfield, and have the short-stop be either the regular Carlos Guillen, or Little Nicky Punto.

“By the time we finished announcing the play-by-play,” broadcaster Bert Blyleven said, “We were ready to start the next inning--we didn’t have time for a commercial break. I was going hoarse!”

Tonight: Again, Beth has opted not to have any pitchers start tonight. The poor performances by the Sass starting pitching recently, combined with her depression over Twins pitcher Scott Baker reportedly being sent down today, has made her swear off starting pitching. While she is quite pleased this means that Sassian Carlos Silva returns to the line-up, she’s still sad.